The Bonds Within

by Megs Pritchard

  Matt laughed as he watched them and continued to smile as he glanced around the crowded club. His shoulders slumped as he watched all the couples standing or dancing together. Sighing, he dropped his gaze to the glass in his hand and shook it, watching the ice cubes move.

  He looked up again, and his breath caught. He sat up straight when he saw Josh look at him from the dance floor. Again? The same club again? Why did this keep happening to him? Why did he keep seeing Josh after he'd made the break? And he was always with someone. Like now. He had his arms around some girl and was kissing her while he watched him.

  Matt swallowed, but didn't look away. He couldn't. He knew he shouldn't watch because watching Josh touch someone else was destroying something inside him. His eyes widened, and he swallowed hard, slowly shaking his head. He could see Josh's hands run up under her dress and cup her arse as his mouth moved up her neck and Matt's mouth dropped open, but he couldn't look away.

  Josh's hand moved to the front of her dress and Matt watched him kiss her lips before sliding his tongue in. The way his hand moved under her dress caused Matt to gasp. He was touching her, probably fingering her. In front of him. Making a point that he'd moved on.

  Matt's eyes prickled, and he blinked. He really had been nothing more than a fuck to him? He swallowed, rubbing the ache in his chest. He dropped his head and stared at his hands on the table as he twisted away. He needed to leave. He reached for his coat and stood. He couldn't stay and watch Josh move on.

  He stood and glanced one last time at Josh who was watching him as he continued kissing the girl he was with. Matt turned and pushed through the crowd bumping into someone in his haste to leave.

  "Sorry," he shouted as he went to move past.

  "Hey, you're Matt aren't you?"

  Matt looked up and faintly recognised the man in front of him from Uni. "Yeah."

  "Fancy getting a drink?" The guy was good looking. Black hair and bright light blue eyes that smiled at him.

  "Sure." He should leave, but fuck, if Josh could do it...

  He followed him to the bar and asked for a beer. Craig introduced himself, and while they waited, he talked about their exams and Matt nodded glancing occasionally towards the dance floor.

  Once they had their beers, Craig moved them towards an empty corner, and they stood close together talking about Uni and what they were doing for the holidays.

  Craig seemed nice, but Matt found himself comparing him to Josh and Craig didn't pass. He needed to leave, but knew he wouldn't be able to. Craig had bought him a drink, and Matt wanted to return the favour before he made his excuses and left.

  He wasn't aware how close Craig was until he felt his breath on his face. Turning his head, his eyes locked onto Craig's and he watched as they came closer. He felt Craig's lips touch his, hesitantly at first and then with more confidence.

  Matt opened his mouth and slid his tongue along Craig's, closing his eyes. Craig's arms slipped around him, pulling him flush to his body. Matt felt Craig's erection, but he didn't feel anything in return. He wasn't sure if he was ready to try this.

  The coldness of the wall on his back penetrated his shirt when Craig pushed his back against it, and he moved a leg in between Matt's and rubbed. Fuck, that felt good.

  Matt tilted his head back as Craig kissed and nipped his skin on his neck. He kept rubbing his leg against Matt's dick, and Matt started to harden. He moved his hands and gripped Craig's hair as they continued to kiss, moaning when Craig's hand rubbed his dick through his pants, and he rolled his hips to increase the pressure.

  "Wanna go the toilets?" Craig asked.

  Matt opened his eyes, staring into Craig's blue ones. A casual hookup. He hadn't done anything like that since his time on the streets. He'd seen and done enough to last him a lifetime. But as Craig continued to rub his hard dick, Matt still wasn't sure if he wanted to go with him. He still wasn't sure if he should be doing this, but if Josh could...

  He nodded and followed Craig as he led them to the toilet. Craig checked the stalls until he found an empty one and stepped aside so Matt could go in. He locked the door and leant on it as Matt faced him.

  Craig reached out and pulled Matt closer, leaning down to kiss him. Matt moaned into the kiss and rubbed his hard dick on Craig's. He pulled Craig's shirt out from his jeans and ran his hands over his smooth, warm skin.

  Craig spun them and pushed his leg in between Matt's. He started tugging on the button of Matt's jeans when the door to the bathroom opened and someone banged on the wall.

  "Matt. Where the fuck are ya?"

  Matt jumped and glanced towards Josh's voice.

  "Who's that?" Craig asked as he frowned.

  "Just give me a minute." Matt opened the door and stepped out straight into Josh.

  "You in there with him? Didn't take you long, did it?"

  "What the fuck has it got to do with you? We finished –"

  "Where do you think you're goin'?" Josh grabbed Craig's shirt and shoved him against the wall.

  "Get the fuck off me."

  "Fuck you."

  Josh pulled Craig from the bathroom and back to the dance floor where he pushed him to the floor. Matt glanced around the dance floor and could see people staring at them, including Luke. Luke took a couple of steps towards them, but Matt shook his head and stepped towards Josh.

  "What the fuck are you doing?"

  "You'll let anyone have you? Me one week, some cunt the next? Just can't get enough, can you?"

  "Fuck off and go back to that bitch you were feeling up. What I do has got fuck all to do with you."

  Josh grabbed Matt's shirt in his fist and pulled him close, so their bodies touched. "You're mine."

  Matt pushed at Josh, trying to get him to release his shirt. "No, I'm not. We broke up, remember? I'm nothing to you but a fuck. Remember telling me that? That I'm just some hole you can shove your dick into?" Matt shook his head. "Just leave me alone."

  Matt tugged at his shirt until Josh released it, and walked towards Luke. "I'm going."

  "Want me to come with you?"

  "Nah. Stay with Sarah."

  Luke nodded and looked back at Sarah as she put her hand on his arm. "Okay. I'll see ya later."

  Matt looked at Josh before walking away and leaving the club. As he stepped out, he pulled his coat closer to him as the evening chill caused his skin to tighten and goosebumps to appear. He walked towards a taxi when he was pushed from behind and almost fell before finding his balance.

  He spun around and stared at Josh who was stood in front of him. "What're you doing?" Matt asked, staring incredulously at Josh.

  "Where are you going?"

  "Away from you. Just fuck off and leave me alone."

  "I told you. You're mine."

  "What the fuck is your problem? You expect me to sit there and watch you fingering some bitch you picked up in a club? Are you fucking insane?"

  "And what were you doing with that bastard?"

  "I did that 'cause I didn't want to think about you. You've moved on and so have I. Now fuck off. We're through. I'm done being the one you use when you need a fuck."

  "I say when we're over." Josh reached out and grabbed Matt's coat, tugging him closer. "You don't fuck anyone but me."

  "I'll fuck who I want to. You don't own me."

  "I'll pay you. Come back to mine. How much?"

  Matt gasped, stepping back from Josh. He shook his head raising his trembling hand and covering his mouth. Spinning around, Matt ran away from Josh. He could hear Josh shouting his name behind him, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. Not now.

  He continued to run until his chest and legs burned and he had no choice but to stop. He slowed to a jog and eventually to a walk. He hunched over with his hands on his thighs, closing his eyes and feeling the tears seep through. He was done with Josh. He couldn't continue to let him hurt him like this. No, he wouldn't let him hurt him anymore.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Matt blinked at the ceiling
above him as he lay in bed. His eyes were gritty and sore, his nose stuffy. Every time he'd closed his eyes, he'd seen Josh on the dance floor touching that woman. The whole night had been fucked up.

  He sat up and leant back on the headboard, rubbing his eyes. He replayed the previous night's events again and shook his head. Why did Josh think he could tell him what to do? Matt snorted. Because he always went back to him. No matter what he said or did, Josh only had to apologise, and Matt would forgive him and go running back.

  Matt sighed, rubbing his face with both hands. He was a fool. Josh didn't care about him. Josh just wanted to know that he had someone there who he could fuck when he needed to. And Matt was always there. But not now. Not after last night. He couldn't do it anymore.

  Should he talk to Seb and tell him everything? Matt grimaced. That would mean Tom finding out and, knowing Tom, he would probably scream and shout and threaten to kill Josh. Tom may have calmed down since meeting Seb, but he still had one hell of a temper.

  Josh.

  Matt's mind kept going back to him. Every time it did, Matt's chest would tighten, and he'd struggle to breathe. The thought of not seeing Josh again made him feel physically ill. But he couldn't keep going back. Josh didn't want to be in an open relationship, and in all honesty, they didn't have a relationship. They fucked. How many times had Matt told himself this? They fucked. They had fucked. But not anymore.

  Matt shoved the covers back and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He leant forward and stared at the floor, rubbing his chest. His eyes prickled, and he blinked rapidly to stop any tears from falling. He was done crying over Josh.

  Pushing up from the bed, Matt walked to the bathroom, making sure no one else was around, and stood in front of the mirror, wincing at his reflection. Pale skin and red eyes greeted him. Even the skin around his nose was red from the number of times he'd had to blow it during his crying fit.

  Dropping his head, he closed his eyes, biting his lip. His chest tightened, and he gripped the edge of the sink tightly. He didn't want these emotions. He didn't want to love Josh. He bit his lip harder and stopped when the metallic taste of blood touched his tongue. Swiping his tongue over his lip, he lifted his head and stared back at his reflection.

  Going to the bathroom with Craig had been a mistake. He knew how Josh would react and he did exactly that. Was that why he'd done it? To get a reaction from Josh?

  Shaking his head, Matt turned the shower on and regulated the temp before stripping his boxers off and stepping under it. He stood with his back to the spray and closed his eyes, letting the hot water pound his shoulders and back.

  As the hot water eased the tension in his shoulders, Matt rolled them, wincing at the slight flare of pain. His eyes blurred, so Matt blinked them. Wiping his face, Matt was surprised to find he was crying. Again. When would he stop? When would this pain end?

  Matt showered quickly and then brushed his teeth. Glancing back in the mirror, he sighed. He didn't look any better than before he'd taken his shower.

  He dried and quickly dressed then turned his phone on. Within seconds, the phone was beeping, and Matt closed his eyes. He knew who those messages were from. Matt glanced at his phone, deciding what to do. He shouldn't read them. He should delete them.

  Matt ran his hand through his hair, sitting on the edge of his bed. His phone started ringing, and Matt saw Josh's number on the screen. He watched as the phone moved across his desk until it stopped ringing. It started again, and Matt grabbed it.

  "What?" He snapped. What could Josh possibly have to say to him?

  "Where the fuck are you? Why haven't you answered your phone? Busy fuckin'?"

  "What the...you don't have any right to ask me that. Stop calling me. It's over. Go and screw whoever you want, but I'm done. I can't keep doing this."

  "I'm not letting you go."

  Matt's grip on his phone tightened. "It's not your choice. You've no idea how you make me feel. Fuck you, you insensitive prick. You stood there and groped her in front of me. Why? Did it make you feel good knowing how it hurt me? Not that you give a shit about hurting me. I'm only someone you call when you wanna fuck. I mean nothing to you." Matt paused trying to breathe past the lump in his throat. "Why did I get involved with you? I know what...Stop calling me. It's over, Josh. You're right. You're not gay. You've had your fun, and it's now over. I don't want you calling me again."

  "You don't tell me –"

  Matt switched his phone off, threw it on his desk and left to find Luke. Knocking on his door, he waited but didn't get an answer. Opening it, he glanced inside, but apart from an unmade bed, there was no sign of Luke.

  Matt heard voices in the kitchen and found Seb, Tom and Luke talking.

  "You look like shit. Good night?" Tom asked.

  Matt glanced at Luke who shook his head and shrugged. "It was okay."

  "Okay? Luke said he saw you talking with some bloke. I didn't know you were seeing anyone."

  "Nah, I'm not. Just someone from my course." Matt yawned, scratching his head and putting the kettle on. Hoping to change the subject, he asked Luke, "How was last night with Sarah?"

  "Great. I'm seeing her tomorrow for lunch."

  "Still can't get used to it," Matt muttered, shaking his head.

  "I like both sexes," Seb said as he reached into the cupboard to get a cup for Matt.

  "You did. Not now, though," Tom told him, frowning at him.

  "Not now, no." Seb pulled Tom to him and kissed him. As Tom pulled back, they heard banging on the front door.

  "One guess who that is," Tom muttered, crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm stayin' here while you speak to him."

  "Tom, he's my brother." Seb winced as the banging started again. "He needs time."

  "He's had three fuckin' years. How much time does he get? I'm fuckin' sick of the shit we take from him."

  "I know –"

  "I'll get it." Luke interrupted, as he left the kitchen.

  Seconds later, Matt watched Josh barge into the kitchen and stand in front of him. Tom pushed Josh back, getting in between Matt and Josh.

  "Stay away from him," he ordered Josh.

  Josh pushed Tom back. "Fuck you."

  Seb tried to push them apart. "Josh, don't do this. Let's sit down –"

  "Shut it, Seb. This is between me and Matt," Josh said, pushing past both Tom and Seb to stand in front of Matt.

  Seb glanced at Matt frowning. "What? You and Matt?"

  "No fuckin' chance. Get the fuck outta our house," Tom shouted. "Or I'll throw you out."

  "And risk ruining things with Seb? Don't think so, fuck toy."

  "Fuck you! You fuckin'-"

  "Josh, don't –"

  Ignoring both of them, Josh faced Matt again. "Why aren't you answering your phone?"

  "He has your number? When did you give him your number? What the fuck is going on? You and him?" Tom pointed at Josh as he looked at Matt. "You and Josh?"

  "Yeah, me and Matt," Josh answered.

  Tom stepped back and glanced at Seb, both wearing similar expressions of shock. Luke was rubbing his forehead with his hand. Sighing, he glanced over at Matt, gave him a slight smile, and then walked out of the kitchen.

  Matt closed his eyes. "Josh it's over."

  "No. It. Isn't."

  "He told ya it's over, so fuck off." Tom stepped forward, pushing Josh away from Matt.

  "Tom, don't –"

  "Don't what?" Tom snapped at Seb. "I've had enough of you defending –"

  "Fuck off, whore –"

  "Stop it!" Matt shouted.

  Silence descended as everyone looked at Matt. He glanced at them and shook his head as he started to leave the room.

  Josh grabbed his arm, and Matt stepped back, shaking him off. "No. Just...no. I can't keep doing it. The things you say to me. What you did last night. I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding and feeling like this."

  "What's that cunt said to you?" Tom demanded.

  "Tom, that's –"


  "Stop. For fuck's sake. I need –"

  "I'm sorry," Josh told him as he held his arm. He squeezed before releasing it but held his gaze. "You're right."

  "Fuck me. Josh admitting he's wrong," Tom muttered sarcastically.

  "Tom, you're not helping."

  "Seb. Do I look like I give a fuck?" Tom raised his eyebrows at Seb before facing Josh and Matt.

  "I don't need you to defend me. I don't need any of you." Josh turned to Seb. "Goin' to the 'rents on Sunday? They'll be so happy to see you. 'Cause they actually give a shit about you." Josh pointed to himself. "Me? Nah, not so much. You, golden boy who can do no wrong. That's all I ever heard from them. Seb this and Seb that. How fucking wonderful you were. A motherfucking genius. But me? Yeah, I'm the mistake that their religion couldn't abort."

  Seb shook his head, frowning at Josh. "What? Don't say that –"

  "You weren't there. You'd left. I was the one doin' the praying and reading the Bible and goin' to church, and it got worse when Tom came out. Fuck, did it ever. Constantly watched. Constantly monitored. I had to climb outta my bedroom fuckin' window, and when I'd get arrested, they'd come and get me and we'd go to church 'cause praying was gonna save me."

  "Josh, I didn't know," Seb whispered, staring at Josh, his lips parted.

  "You didn't want to know," Josh screamed, pushing Seb into the counter.

  "Don't you fuckin' touch him." Tom pushed Josh from Seb.

  Josh punched Tom in the face, snapping Tom's head back. Tom reacted quickly, tackling Josh. They both collided with the counter behind Josh and Josh grunted from the impact. Sliding to the floor, Tom straddled Josh, and gripping the collar of his shirt in his hand, punched Josh, and then raised his fist to punch him again. Matt jumped forward, grabbing Tom's raised arm, preventing him from throwing the punch as Seb pulled Tom off Josh and pushed him away.

  "Take your hands off him," Seb shouted.

  "What? After what he just did to you? I'm supposed to stand there and watch him push my boyfriend around?" Tom shook his head, placing his hands on his hips.