I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  She sounded so confident and in control. “You seem like a woman who doesn’t fail.”

  “I won’t with you.”

  “I feel…”

  “So full of shit?”

  She wasn’t going to give an inch. Sweet. “I am.” He motioned the rest of the band in. They were on the veranda trying to not to listen in, but Declan could tell by the amused glint in Shane’s hazel eyes they’d heard the conversation.

  “Jane Peterson, this is Shane Yorke.”

  Jane stuck out her hand. “How do you do?”

  Shane took her hand standing over her like some Viking love god. “I do good Jane.”

  Declan could see the appreciation in Shane’s eyes. Jane did have that classic bombshell body he liked. All tits and ass. Next came Vaughn, who didn’t take his eyes of Jane’s chest like he was sizing Jane up for the kill. Weasel looking bastard didn’t have a chance with her.

  Travis stuck his hand out and was just his regular self, but he’d scored himself a high class socialite and he was off the market.

  Gavin just grinned at her and mumbled a quick hello.

  Declan thought Jane was going to pinch his cheek and whip out a lollipop for him.

  Last came Malcolm who seemed to be studying her intensely.

  “Do we know each other?” Malcolm stared hard at her face as if he was trying to remember something.

  Declan's gut clenched. She wasn’t Malcolm’s type but…

  Jane shook her head but there was a quick flash of something in her eyes. “We’ve never met.”

  That was kind of interesting, Malcolm seemed to get a reaction from her. With him she was all business.

  “Mr. Shaw I will be back in a couple hours. I understand we have an event tonight. If we have time we can continue going over how we can resolve your situation quickly. Gentlemen.” She headed out of the door, and Declan noticed that every eye was on that round ass as she left.

  Shane stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “She’s a no nonsense ballbuster.”

  Declan smiled. “What’s not to like about that?”

  Shane laughed. “Ain’t my balls she bustin’, but I’d let her.”

  “She’s fuckable,” Vaughn said with a leer.

  Declan snorted. “In your dreams.”

  Vaughn flipped him the bird. “Whatev.” And he walked off.

  “She’s a Bentley.” Travis said.

  Declan shook his head. “Nope that is a muscle car. Sleek and powerful. She’s a Camaro or a Mustang.”

  Gavin sighed as he ran a hand through his shaggy beach blond hair. “She’s symmetrical. That’s hot.”

  Malcolm stared at Gavin. “What the hell does that mean?”

  Gavin blushed. “Her facial features are almost even on her right and left side. It’s considered beautiful. It makes her more sexually desirable. Some people think it indicates genetic health. Combined with the great rack and those hips she has excellent genetic material to produce and feed her offspring.”

  Shane scratched his dirty blond head. “Are you saying she’s a good breeder?”

  Declan gaped at Gavin. What the fuck was he talking about?

  “Scientifically, yes.”

  Shane held up his hands. “I’m out.”

  For a second he had a vision of Jane in a fur bikini with a baby at her breast brandishing a machine gun. “Gavin where do you get this shit?”

  “I’m taking an Anthropology class. It’s fascinating stuff.”

  Travis stared at him for a second. “You can look at someone and tell if they have good genes and the ability to produce healthy children?”

  Gavin patted Travis on the shoulder. “You and Charlotte are going to produce genetically superior offspring.”

  “How do you know?” Travis asked.

  Gavin gave him this look as if they should get it. “Both of you come from good gene pools and good healthy lifestyles.”

  “Thanks I’ll pass that on to Charlotte.” Travis left with this odd expression his face.

  Declan could see that Gavin believed every word coming out of his mouth. Sometimes Gavin was such a nerd. “It’s scary that you know shit like that.”

  “I can’t help it. I just wanna learn new things and the Anthropology of Sex seemed like it was right up my alley.”

  Everyone thought he found himself some groupie he wanted to keep to himself. “So that’s what you were doing every Tuesday and Thursday for the last few weeks. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

  He looked guilty. “I just needed some stimulation.”

  Declan understood. He was searching for something too, he just didn’t know what it was. With Andy’s death, Travis falling in love, even his father’s death, he felt adrift. “You needed something outside of the band.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about me, I want to talk about Jane. I want to take her to class and say yo I get it.”

  Malcolm rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know you could get college credit for show and tell.”

  “C’mon Malcolm you can’t tell me you didn’t think about it. ‘Haven’t we met?’ What kind of lame line is that?”

  “She’s good looking, but I’m not into her. I feel like I’ve seen her face before.” He tapped his skull a couple of times. “It’s like right on the tip on my brain.”

  Malcolm remembered a girl’s face not their names. Declan was glad he hadn’t banged Jane, because he wanted to be the only one doing that. “You sure you didn’t bang her? She’s smart and we all know you like the brainy girls.”

  “Other than the fact that she didn’t give you and your ego the stroke how can you tell she’s smart?”

  One of the things he learned as a child was to watch people and pick up clues about them. Then he could use that to get a role. “She graduated from West Point.”

  Malcolm looked at him as if he didn’t believe him. “She had a regular conversation with you?”

  “Nope she was wearing a West Point ring. You only get that if you graduate and it’s hard enough to get into that school, much less graduate so she’s not only a smart no-nonsense ballbuster, she’s an officer and a lady.” He hoped not too much of a lady.

  Gavin seemed to have a new respect for him. It always surprised Gavin when people had brains other than him. Must come from always being the smartest kid in the room.

  “Impressive.”

  Declan was thinking of her in a sexy little camo outfit. Maybe they could play POW interrogation.

  Gavin waved his hand in front of his face. “Declan where are you man?”

  “I got a lot on my mind.”

  “Speaking of shit on my mind I got a paper to write. I think I’m going to write about Jane.” Gavin walked out of the room whistling.

  “You want to talk about it?” Malcolm asked.

  Whatever Malcolm wanted to talk about Declan was sure he didn’t want to. “What?”

  “You are planning to bed your bodyguard.”

  He jiggled his eyebrows. “That would be a bad idea.”

  “Has that ever stopped you?”

  He had to think about it. “It might, since she might have to take a bullet for me.”

  “I’m thinking she might put one in you.”

  Sticking his hands in the pocket of his jeans, he smiled.

  “I’m going to make her like me.”

  “You haven’t had a challenge in a long time.”

  “Maybe there is something to what Gavin was talking about with that biology. There is something primal about her.”

  Malcolm pinched the bridge of his nose. “You are fucking with fire. There is something about her that bothers me.”

  Good, he didn’t want the competition. “I don’t know. Why you don’t find her attractive?”

  Malcolm shrugged. “Not every woman is my fantasy.”

  “I don’t even get it, she's not my usual type either.”

  “She looks like she might actually eat and not swim in hair bleach.”

&n
bsp; “Ouch, but true.” Physically he tended to go for blondes who were too self-absorbed with their looks, their status, or jobs, to give him a hard time about the lack of things he wouldn’t give them, but the sex.

  “Interesting.”

  “Are you laughing at me?”

  “I would never do that. I’m a good friend.”

  Before he could say another word, Steve the bodyguard came into the room.

  The medium build man had an easy smile and a high and tight brown haircut. “Mr. Shaw, you ready for your self-defense lesson?”

  He smiled. Hell yeah he was totally enjoying learning the art of kicking ass commando style. “Coming Malcolm?”

  “Nope, I don’t want to make you look bad in front of your teacher.” He walked out of the room.

  As they walked out to the workout house, he thought this was a good time to get a little background on Jane. “Steve, have you worked with Jane Peterson before?”

  “Yeah here and in Afghanistan.”

  “So she was in the war?”

  Steve nodded. “Jane did several tours.”

  “What kind of work did you two do?” Declan started to stretch out his muscles.

  “Jane was a translator.” Steve did the same.

  “You too?”

  Steve shook his head. “Escort, kept her out of trouble.”

  “So she didn’t do any real fighting?”

  Steve snorted. “It was one of the most dangerous jobs out there, next to the guys on the bomb squad and in the infantry.”

  No wonder she had that tough edge. “Jane saw combat?”

  “Pretty regularly.”

  So that attitude was earned. He liked it.

  “Are you worried she can’t take care of you because she’s a woman?”

  He didn’t think that. She wasn’t what he pictured when he thought about female soldiers. Actually he didn’t know what to think. “No.”

  “She’s good to have around in a fire fight or a bar fight. She saved my ass a couple of times.”

  “Really?”

  “I know what you’re thinking.”

  Seeing Jane naked. God he was that obvious even to strangers. “You do?”

  “She’s a total hottie, how can she be a badass too? I had that same thought. That lasted about five minutes, until I saw her put down this insurgent that was really eager to put a knife in my eye.”

  Declan shook out his arms letting the muscles relax. “Can you talk about it?”

  “I took a round in my shoulder and Jane dragged me out of the fight, shot me up with some pain meds to keep me from crying like a baby. She went to do a sweep of the area. While I was laying there bleeding, this crafty bastard got into the building and I was his first target. I couldn’t get to my sidearm and it looked like Mary Kramer’s little boy was going to meet the baby Jesus sooner than expected. Jackass should have taken the shot, but a knife is quiet. The next thing I know Abul’s gurgling blood, he drops and there's Jane standing over him with this shit eating grin. I fell in love right then and there.”

  Were they still a couple? “You two have a thing?”

  Steve grimaced. “Hell no Jane was up front with us. She said if we thought about getting into her pants she’d gut us and eat our liver.”

  Intimidating. “You believed her?”

  He grinned. “We cheered her on as she kicked the crap out of two Marines when one of them touched her.”

  “None of you guys tried to help?”

  Steve shrugged. “Mick said we’d just get in her way. Since he trained her, we believed him.”

  “She seems capable.”

  “Jane was good at negotiating with the locals. There were some who thought we were disrespecting them because we had a woman doing the talking. They didn’t want to have anything to do with her, but not only is she fluent, she understood their culture. It took a minute, but once she proved herself, we were the go to team in the region. We saw a lot of action. She’s a damn fine solider. She’ll keep you alive.”

  Declan knew it was time to stop asking questions or he’d reveal himself. He intended to have Jane. Anticipation bubbled in his stomach. It was exciting. It’d been a long time since he’d had to hunt. He was going to bag his trophy and he was going to mount it.

  Chapter Three

  DAY one of her captivity and Jane was ready to shoot herself. She hung up her cell phone and tossed it in her purse. Her thousand dollar purse. Shit, who the fuck wants to spend that kind of money on a purse? It took her twenty minutes to find her sidearm in this cave. Everything she needed to carry she stuck in her cargo pants or her bra. She rubbed her forehead and her fingers touched her wig. She hated being blonde. She didn’t have time for a dye job. She thought with her light olive skin it made her look like a floozy. Then people didn’t take her seriously until she bitch slapped them.

  Declan Shaw was going to require a lot of bitch slapping. She could see how this was going to go from the start. She had to play the girlfriend so that was going to require a lot of up close and personal touching. Which she could handle, but that man flipped her switch in a way she could barely admit to herself.

  “You alright?”

  She couldn’t look at Mick. “Fine.”

  “He’s only a job.”

  That’s what she told herself. Pity she didn’t believe it. “Why isn’t Eileen handling him?”

  “She’s in Bosnia on a job.”

  Darla, Preach’s wife was seven seconds from delivering Steve Jr. “We could trade. Bosnia’s nice this time of year.”

  “Maybe you ought to tell him.”

  She was so beyond second thoughts it wasn’t even funny. “If you were in Malcolm Elliot’s shoes would you want to know about your long lost sister?”

  “Yeah.”

  She wouldn’t want to know about Fox Elliot. “You want to find out your dad spent the eighties knocking women up and abandoning them?”

  “From what I read in Elliot’s file, he doesn’t exactly have a relationship with his father.”

  Then she didn’t miss much. She shouldn’t be jealous. After her mother’s death she ended up with Pete and Addy. They kept her safe, fed, loved. She couldn’t love them any more if she was their biological child. Unlike some of her other siblings, she hadn’t spent much time in the system. Pete was the detective who investigated her mother’s homicide and lucky for her, they fostered kids and he took her home that night and never let her go. When they couldn’t locate any family, they started adoption proceedings and in less than a year they were hers. Pete never made her talk about her mother’s murder and when she was ready she’d found out the truth on her own and she thought her grandfather was out of reach.

  “Are you thinking about your grandfather?”

  “Yeah.” Mick was one of the few people who knew who her grandfather was and why he was able to skate on her mother’s murder. She didn’t find out until she’d graduated from The Point and instead of going to Iraq she spent a year in D.C. in military intelligence where her fluency in Arabic was in demand. Once upon a time her grandfather was a high ranking member of the Takar government who was pro US. That’s why he could kill his daughter and catch a plane back to L.A. in time to catch a performance of Swan Lake. But then he started dipping his hand in the wrong cookie jar. And then payback was the ultimate bitch.

  “I figured all the family shit got on your nerves.” He turned the car down the street the band’s rental house was on. Jane noticed a crowd of people on the outside of the tall wrought iron gate. “I’m cool. Addy’s freaking out. Pete said I should invite Malcolm over and have a few beers and throw some steaks on the grill. Then when we’re all good and drunk, I should drop the bomb.”

  Mick snickered. “Pete’s a good man.”

  With a bizarre sense of humor. “That’s not going to happen, I’m going to do the job, then buy a house.”

  “What do you think of Declan Shaw?”

  Jane reached into her purse and amazingly enough found her mirro
red compact. She checked her face and took a second to stop scowling. “How the hell is he able to move with that ego.”

  “He’s hot.”

  Did Mick sigh? Oh shit. “What does Doctor Sexy say about that?” She loved Paul, Mick’s boyfriend and those two were inseparable.

  “I’m keeping that under wraps. I figured the way you stomped out of the house earlier he’d gotten on your nerves.”

  All two of them. “We’ve dealt with worse.” At least this time she could walk away if she got too fed up, this wasn’t the military.

  “No shit.”

  “If you tell anyone I said this I’ll slit your throat. That man has some serious hotness.” Now she’d admitted it she could get on with her life and the raging hormones that Declan Shaw seemed to uncover in her would be under control again.

  “We’ll speak of it no more.”

  “Thank you.” The car pulled up to the house. She could see people standing a few feet away with cameras. They’d been hired to take pictures of Declan Shaw’s new gal pal. They would make it into the papers and some celebrity internet sites by pre-arrangement from the bands management company. Declan knew he had to make it look smoldering for the press and Jane had done this before, but for the first time she was excited about being the focus of Declan Shaw’s romantic attention even though it was for play.

  Mick opened the door for her and she got out and leaned against the car. She watched Declan walk barefooted down the sidewalk. All he was wearing was a pair of low slung blue sweatpants. Dear God he was magnificent. Her nipples tightened and she was grateful for the sunglasses to hide her expression. His broad chest glistened with sweat. Was it her or was her pussy already drenched? Her gaze focused in on his little half smile. He eyed her like she was prey and it excited her. No man got to do that to her. She bit the inside of her lip and let her gaze travel down his sublime torso. He had a V muscle that tapered down into his sweats. And right between those sweet muscles was a dark blond happy trail. Stop gawking woman, this man is a job. She closed her eyes and wished him away. I am in control of my vagina. I am in control of my vagina. Just keep saying that to yourself and you’ll be fine.

  “Jane,” he whispered.

  She opened her eyes and he was all up in her personal space. “Declan.”