Alien in My Pocket #5: Ohm vs. Amp

by Nate Ball

  “So now you like marshmallows?” I asked.

  “Look, I’m an emotional eater,” Amp exclaimed, repeating something he must have heard my mom say. “This whole situation is giving me the munchies.”

  “Munchies?” Ohm said, shrinking back in alarm. “Is that contagious?”

  “Zack One,” my walkie-talkie blurted out. “This is Twinkle Fairy Pants. Over.”

  “Where have you been?” I said, leaning into the microphone more than I needed. “We’ve got a problem with the boys and their car.” I gave Ohm a wink or two, letting him know these were the secret code words we used when talking on the walkie-talkie.

  “Is something stuck in his eye?” Ohm asked Amp, not getting the wink thing.

  “I was helping my grandpa replace the condenser unit in the refrigerator, Wacky Zacky. What did those two blue bummers break now? Over.”

  Both Erdians looked offended. “Uh, the two bummers can hear you,” I said, pressing the button. “Over.”

  “Oh, sorry, guys, no offense,” Olivia said matter-of-factly through the tiny speaker. “We still blasting off at perigee?”

  “Perigee?” I asked, confused.

  “Perigee, dude,” Olivia answered. “When the moon’s orbit is closest to Earth. Those guys need to blast off at exactly one minute after midnight. I looked it up on the internet and worked out the timing.”

  Ohm looked surprised and impressed. “That timing is correct,” he said.

  I cleared my throat. “Uh . . . problem is that, just like Thing One’s car, Thing Two’s car can’t get off the starting line.”

  The walkie-talkie was silent for a full thirty seconds. “Not again!” Olivia shot back, now sounding distressed.

  “I know!” I said, eyeing the Erdians. “You’d think such an advanced civilization would have invented roadside towing service by now.”

  “We just need help getting high enough to fire off the secondary booster rockets,” Amp mumbled defensively. “We only have enough power for one boost.”

  “We already tried the rocket thing,” Olivia said after a moment.

  I shook my head at the memory. “We need something simpler this time. Something we can rig up in a few hours. Something that doesn’t draw attention to itself. My house is crawling with unfriendlies.”

  The Erdians and I exchanged uneasy glances while we waited to hear back from the team member. Her voice eventually came back with no enthusiasm. “So we have no money. No time. No resources. Nobody to help us. It must be done in secret. And it has to work perfectly.”

  The Erdians looked at each other, then back at me, and nodded their heads in agreement.

  “Yes, that about sums it up,” I said, putting down the walkie-talkie.

  I left the Erdians and my walkie-talkie in the dim light of my closet. I paced around my room and nervously pulled on my hair. Maybe tugging on my brain would spring loose a good idea.

  It was already getting dark outside. The sun was setting and we were no closer to coming up with a solution. I picked a few stale marshmallows off my carpet and ate them in silence.

  That’s when I spotted the great idea I had been looking for.

  And it was right under my nose all this time!

  Atlatl or Bust

  “This is a tennis-ball-thrower thingy,” I explained to the Erdians. “It helps you throw a ball farther. I use it when I take Smokey to the park.”

  “Is that the animal that tried to eat us?” Ohm asked, alarmed by the memory.

  “No, that was Mr. Jinxy,” I said. “Cats won’t chase things you throw, only dogs.”

  “Why is that?” Ohm asked.

  I shook my head in frustration. “I have no idea! You’d have to ask a cat. Look, just stay focused. See, we can use this ball thrower to launch your ship.”

  Both Erdians screwed up their faces in an odd way, like my idea gave them terrible gas.

  They were both standing on my desk in front of me, each pulling down on their lower lip skeptically. I could tell the Erdian twins weren’t getting it.

  “Here, watch,” I said. I picked up a marshmallow and put it in the holder at the end of the ball thrower. With a grunt, I flung the ball chucker at the hole in my window screen. Both Erdians flinched, then spun and watched the white marshmallow rocket across our dark backyard and disappear over the fence near the garage.

  “Whoa,” they both said at the same time.

  Excited now, I dropped to my knees and fished around under my bed for one of Smokey’s chewed-up tennis balls. My hand found one and I placed it in the cup of the ball thrower.

  I did the same thing with the tennis ball, but this time I got a running start and flung it even harder. It easily sailed over the roof of the garage.

  “Impressive indeed,” said one of the Erdians, I couldn’t tell which.

  I ducked down when a car alarm across the street started blaring. “Oops,” I whispered giddily. “See, guys, this idea rocks.”

  I dropped the scuffed plastic thrower on the desk and the Erdians began walking in circles around it, looking it up and down.

  I was getting excited. “My dad says this thing is based on the atlatl, which was an Aztec weapon that combined the throwing device with a spear,” I explained, enjoying teaching the Erdians a thing or two for a change.

  “What does the word mean in the Aztec language?” Amp asked.

  “Oh, atlatl?” I said, trying to remember. “I forget, but it was something like ‘the thing that helps you throw things.’”

  “Oh, I doubt that.” Amp sniffed, giving me a disapproving look.

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter what it was called a million years ago.”

  “Probably humankind’s first compound tool,” Ohm said to Amp.

  “Compound tool?” I said.

  “Compound just means more than one part,” Amp explained.

  I cleared my throat, ready to make my case. “Yeah, well anyway, ancient humans made a device like this to throw spears or long darts when they were fighting or hunting. Apparently, atlatls were used for tens of thousands of years. They were eventually replaced by the bow and arrow, but that wasn’t until fairly recently.”

  Amp considered me for a moment. “This clever idea uses the law of leverage to increase man’s limited physical abilities.”

  “Limited?” I said. “I could flick you out the window with my pinky finger, Short Stuff.”

  “Exactly,” Amp said. “But that’s about it. Humans aren’t very strong compared to other animals on Earth. You aren’t quicker or tougher or bigger. You don’t have long claws or big fangs. But humans are at the top of the food chain. Why is that?”

  “Because we have brains?” I guessed. “Which we use to make compound tools? And things like the internet?”

  “Exactly, Zack,” Amp said, smiling with pride.

  I noticed that Ohm was staring at me. “So you want to throw us into outer space with this plastic dog toy?”

  “C’mon, you guys said you only have to get high enough for the secondary booster rockets, right? Ohm’s spaceship is pretty light and no bigger than a small football. I could tweak this a bit so it fits as snug as a bug in rug. You only need a good jump start, and I’ve got a strong arm! Everybody’s afraid to steal second base on me.”

  Ohm pulled on his antennas and looked at Amp. “Snug bugs? Jump starts? Strong arms? Stolen bases? I cannot understand a word he says!”

  “I still don’t know what he’s talking about half the time either,” Amp replied quietly.

  I sighed and sat on the corner of my bed. “This could work. Unless, of course, Olivia has come up with something better.”

  “Indeed,” Amp said hopefully.

  That’s when I heard Olivia’s ladder bump into the wall just outside my window.

  Losing the Room

  “Hello,” Olivia called out from somewhere outside my second-story window. “Where are you guys?”

  Her head now appeared and I saw her examine with some curiosit
y the hole in my screen.

  “Shhh! Why didn’t you just come to the front door?” I whispered.

  “I did,” she said, a little more quietly. “But your mom said you were grounded and I couldn’t come back until you had grown a beard. What’d you do?”

  “It’s hard to explain,” I said. “These guys almost became cat food.”

  She reached through the hole in the screen. “Here, put this on,” she said, handing me a bulky plastic watch. “It’s set to go off when we hit the launch window. It’ll beep for one minute and these guys have to take off during that minute, or it’ll be too late. I have one, too,” she said, holding up a smaller, sparkly pink watch that was now on her wrist.

  I slipped on the heavy watch and then proceeded to tell Olivia all about my ball-thrower idea.

  She was quiet for a few seconds. “You want to launch them into outer space with Smokey’s ball thrower?” Olivia snickered, shaking her head. “That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard.”

  “This crude mechanism might work,” Ohm said without much enthusiasm. “Maybe.”

  Amp gave me a sideways glance and hopped up onto the ball thrower. “Actually, Olivia, this device uses the law of leverage to increase a human’s throwing power. Kind of ingenious, for a primitive civilization.”

  “You seriously think this could work?” Olivia yelped, apparently jealous of my brilliance. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Amp!”

  “Zack, demonstrate your throwing motion for Olivia,” Amp said.

  “Why?” I said.

  “Just do it,” Amp said. “If not for me, then for science.”

  I pretended to throw with the ball thrower, but I felt silly.

  “Without the atlatl, you are limited by your size,” Amp said. “The arc—or radius—you are able to make with your arm is actually quite small. But this atlatl device of yours increases the size of the radius your throwing motion makes.”

  “What’s the size of my throwing radius have to do with anything?” I asked.

  “The power your arm generates is constant,” Ohm explained, “but by using a lever, you increase the velocity or speed of the ball, which increases the amount of kinetic energy you can generate, which makes the ball go farther.”

  Ohm said into his wrist device,

  “Note to Erdian Council.”

  “Oh, please, not now,” I begged, pressing a thumb on each of my temples.

  “The law of the lever appears to be a foreign concept to these young earthlings. I will instruct: A lever is a movable bar that pivots on a fulcrum, like a seesaw. As a lever pivots on a fulcrum— which is the thing the lever is attached to—the points farther from the pivot move faster than parts closer to the pivot. If your elbow joint is the pivot in this case, and your arm the lever, holding this device will move the ball farther from the pivot, amplifying the force. Now do you understand?”

  “I think my tiny brain just burst into flames,” I said to Olivia.

  She still seemed irritated by the simple brilliance of my idea. “No offense, Zack, but this idea has epic failure written all over it.”

  “It does?” Ohm exclaimed, carefully examining the ball thrower. “Where?”

  I rolled my eyes and grunted at Olivia. “Oh? And what have you come up with, Twinkle Fairy Pants?”

  “I’m building a giant marshmallow launcher for Ohm’s ship.”

  “Really?!” both Erdians shouted excitedly, clapping their tiny hands. “Let’s see! Let’s see!” they peeped like baby birds.

  “What?” I yelped. “When? Have you even tested it?”

  “C’mon, I’ll show you guys,” Olivia said, ignoring my questions. The Erdians jumped into her backpack. “You too, Zack.”

  I didn’t budge.

  “No thanks,” I said stubbornly. “My idea rocks. I’m going to modify it for Ohm’s ship, so it’s ready when you guys come crawling back to me for help.” I made a face at Olivia.

  “Suit yourself,” she said, sinking back down the ladder into the darkness. “We’ll come get you before the launch, which is now less than three hours away.”

  “Oh, you’ll be back all right!” I called after them. “You’ll see who’s got the brains around here!”

  Don’t Move

  My eyes flew open. I gasped. My room was dark.

  The glowing numbers on my clock showed it was 11:57 p.m.!

  I had fallen asleep—stupid wormy salami sandwich dream AGAIN!

  “I did not mean to wake you,” my Erdian friend said, startling me.

  I turned my head on my pillow and it took a few seconds to realize it was Ohm standing on my chest, just inches from my chin. In the weak light, I could see him give me an unsteady, gap-toothed smile.

  “I knew you guys would come crawling back!” I said, my heart starting to gallop. “I got an old tuna can out of the recycling and duct-taped it real good to the ball thrower! You should see it. It’s perfect! Your ship is in it and it’s all ready to go. I think we should just—”

  “Not so fast,” Ohm said quietly. “We decided to go with Olivia’s clever spring-loaded launcher. We took my ship while you were doing your dreams.”

  With a sense of dread, I realized I couldn’t move a muscle. “Ugh,” I grunted. It felt like a car was parked on top of me. “What did you do?” I said, panic rising in my voice. “Is this some kind of twisted Erdian mind trick?”

  “This is for your own good,” Ohm said, struggling to stay upright on my chest as I wriggled my body.

  I peered down and could see that Ohm had tied me down to my bed. As my eyes focused, I saw that I was being held down by a crazy assortment of cords, shoestrings, dental floss, ribbons, bungee cords—even the belt from my bathrobe!

  “You tied me down?” I growled, pulling at the two dozen restraints that now pinned me to my bed. “Dang it, Ohm, I need to say good-bye to Amp. It’s our last chance to—”

  “I don’t want this departure to get messy. I could see how emotional you were about your atlatl idea. Plus, it’s obvious Amp has grown too attached to you. It’s better this way. Less emotional. This is the Erdian way.”

  “The Erdian way is to tie a guy up? That is the dumbest thing I ever heard,” I hissed at him. “This cannot be happening!”

  That’s when the alarm on the clunky plastic watch still strapped to my wrist started beeping.

  “Oh no,” I whispered.

  “This is good-bye, I guess,” said Ohm urgently. “I’ve got a flight to catch. Thank you for looking after my scout!”

  I watched him make his way over to the window and jump out, disappearing into the darkness.

  I was left alone, tied up, like a boat ready for a hurricane, watch beeping, tears building up in my eyes.

  A movie Amp and I had watched several times flashed in my mind. It was an old black-and-white movie about the magician Harry Houdini and how he had become famous. I learned his fame wasn’t the result of pulling rabbits out of a hat or making elephants disappear. He got famous by escaping from traps just like the one I was now in.

  He was an escape artist.

  So I just started doing what Houdini always did in the movie.

  With all my might, I started flopping like a fish on the bottom of a boat, like bacon in a frying pan, like a guy who grabbed the end of a live wire. The beeping continued as I huffed and grunted and struggled like the great Houdini.

  They made it look so easy in the movies!

  But soon enough, my right leg freed itself and I started flopping and wriggling even harder. Soon both my legs were free, and I scooted myself down the bed until the rest of me escaped the assorted strings, belts, and cords holding me down!

  I jumped off the bed and scrambled to my window, just in time to see Ohm’s spaceship fly off Olivia’s roof after a loud CLACK sound.

  “NO!” I croaked.

  Then I watched in horror as it turned end over end, making a lazy, soaring arc in the air. IT WASN’T HIGH ENOUGH! Not even close. It hit the tallest branch of a tree
in my backyard and fell like a dead bird into the bushes near the fence.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  “Epic fail,” I whispered in shock.

  The beeping continued.

  There was still time!

  I grabbed my modified ball chucker, clenched it in my teeth, and practically dove out my second-floor window.

  I just hoped the ladder was still there.

  Good-bye Forever

  Luckily, the ladder was still under my window.

  Unluckily, I fell off the ladder about halfway down.

  I don’t know how.

  My foot just slipped and gravity did its thing.

  I hit the ground like a basket of bricks and landed on my back on our wound-up garden hose, which helped cushion my fall, but the drop from that high up still knocked the wind out of me.

  The beeping on my watch sounded louder.

  I struggled like a turtle on its back to free myself from the hose and get to my feet.

  The world seemed to spin under me.

  My eyes were blurring with tears of emotion.

  “Olivia,” I whisper-yelled into the silence, into the darkness.

  I stumbled my way across our dark backyard patio.

  I caught sight of Olivia in the moonlight on the roof of her garage. She was waving her arms at me.

  I heard a familiar voice in my head. “We are running out of time, earthling!”

  “I’m coming! I’m coming!” I gulped, stumbling across the lawn. I struggled to keep my balance, heading for the spot I saw the spaceship land in the ivy.

  “OUR LAUNCH WINDOW CLOSES IN SECONDS!” Ohm roared in my head, as if reading my mind.

  “Wait! Wait!” Amp hollered in my head.

  “Don’t worry, guys. I’m ready. Prepare for liftoff!” I said. I plucked the spaceship from the ivy and snapped it into place on the ball thrower. Perfect fit.