The Balance Project

by Susie Orman Schnall

  “Yes,” I say, a little indignation in my voice.

  “It was far from a date. Grant was with us most of the night but he had to leave early. Did you get there after, like, nine fifteen?”

  “Yes.” The indignation is fading. “But the table was only set for two.”

  “When Grant left, they cleared his place.”

  “She was so pretty. And you know I can barely see. I didn’t recognize her. I thought you were on a date and had lied to me.”

  “Oh, Coop,” he says, laughing a little at me, but not in a mean way. “She’s not nearly as pretty as you and I was not on a date. I spent all week despairing over you. Plus, she’s so not my type. And she drinks cosmos,” he says with derision.

  I’m laughing now too, though a few tears might be mixed in. I’m so relieved and of course, I have no reason not to believe Nick. We talk for a while about what I’m planning to do about my job and the article, about whether I think Brooke will find me out, and about whether I should tell Katherine about Theo. I wait for him to bring the marriage thing up.

  “So did I hear you say you’re keen on this whole marriage concept?” he asks, taking a sip of his coffee.

  “I did. I did indeed say I was keen on this whole marriage concept,” I say and then I explain what happened the night I was late to Union Square Cafe. I’m so relieved that all this awful stuff is out of the way. That Nick knows everything that’s been going on. That I’ve been able to explain everything to him. “And last night really drove it all home for me, Nick. As I was on my way to the hospital, I tried not to let my mind go to an awful place, but it did. And before I could reel the bad thoughts back in, I thought about what my life would be like without you. If things hadn’t turned out okay for you last night. And that was inconceivable to me. You are everything to me. I love you so much. I don’t ever want to be without you,” I say.

  I kind of expect at that moment that Nick might whip out the ring from under the futon cushion and get down on one knee to propose. That I might again be offered a ring and a lifetime in a state of Sunday-morning dishevelment. But he does no such thing. No such thing at all.

  “About that,” he says turning to me. “I think we should take some time,” he says seriously.

  “What kind of time? What do you mean? I thought you said that you don’t want to waste any more time deciding?” I ask confused.

  “Not time away from each other,” he says. “But I want to make sure you absolutely mean it. I don’t want the drama and scariness of last night to push you into a decision that you’re not fully prepared to make. I want you to be sure,” he says lovingly, pushing a stray hair off my forehead.

  “I am sure,” I say, smiling at him, still somewhat hoping he’s kidding, making me sweat, and is going to sink to his knees tout de suite.

  “I couldn’t be happier to hear that. Honestly. But I mean it. I want you to be 100-percent sure. And things are so insane with both of our jobs right now. Let’s let things settle down for a bit.”

  I get what he’s saying. It does make sense. I mean it was only yesterday that I became certain of this whole thing. Maybe I should let it sink in for a bit.

  “I guess you’re right. And I still want to check everything off the list for both of our benefits. I know you created that list as a sort of prerequisite for marriage. But I saw the value in it for my life in general so I’ve claimed it as an Improve Lucy’s Life List. And, I’ve made good progress.”

  “That’s so great. I appreciate more than you can know that you took that list seriously. I love that you’ve claimed it for yourself, and I don’t need you to do those things for me anymore. It’s pretty clear that your perspective has changed in a monumental way. I think we’re gonna be good, Lucy Cooper. You and I are gonna be good. I just want all this dust to settle and then, when you least expect it, and when your hair is combed, I will propose to you.”

  “And when you do, Nicholas Heston, I will say yes.”

  He kisses me softly on the lips. We talk for a long time more, and Nick fills me in on everything that’s going on with his new company and Ty. He says that Grant, his old boss, backed down at the Nobu dinner when he realized that he had no legal grounds for accusing him, Nick, of any misconduct in landing Ty as a client because Nick did everything by the book. And he tells me exciting news about a couple other athletes who are considering signing with him. I’m so thrilled to hear that all is going well with him professionally.

  We clean up breakfast and decide we’ll hang out a bit and then see a movie. It’s nice to be in our comfortable routine again. To be together. I’ve missed this so much.

  Still, though, I have an unsettled pit in my stomach. I realize that a small part of it is a mix of anxiety and relief over Nick because I’m still so surprised that we are okay and that we’re going to be okay. That indeed it was a blip and not an iceberg. But most of the pit is stress about Katherine, about my job, about what’s going to happen at work. I realize that since I woke up Friday morning I’ve had this low-grade and constant sense of panic about what I did to Katherine. I’m so disappointed with myself that I had the capacity to do such an awful thing. And I’m terrified that she will find out it was me. A small part of me says the right thing to do is to own it and tell Katherine. That I’ll never truly be able to look at myself in a mirror without regret unless I tell the truth. Another small, teeny, tiny part of me wants to tell Katherine that her suspicions were correct and I found out somehow that it was Maggie Stern who talked to the Post. But that would be wrong. And my conscience cannot withstand one more sin. I decide that the only thing I’m going to do about it today is let it stew. I’m going to actively immerse myself in this awful bile and make myself suffer a bit for the horrible thing I did.

  I ask Nick if he wants to come with me to my mom’s for dinner, but he tells me that he has some documents he has to revise tonight that are due to his lawyer first thing tomorrow morning. He had been planning on doing them last night so now he has to do the whole thing tonight, and it’s going to take him several hours. Bummer. It would have been nice to bring my new boyfriend home with me tonight to meet the family.

  I had turned off my phone last night after we talked to Ty at the hospital and hadn’t bothered to turn it back on. I turn it on now so I can send my mom and my brother Matty a text about tonight.

  The phone beeps and shows two texts waiting to be read: the first from Katherine at around eleven o’clock last night and the second from Ava early this morning.

  Katherine: How is Nick? I hope everything is okay. Speech went great.

  Ava: OMG, Lucy. I cannot believe Katherine did that. Twitter is blowing up. I saw the video. Call me. We must discuss.

  What, Ava? What did Katherine do? What video? I grab Nick’s iPad, google Katherine Whitney, and click on “Videos.” There’s a link to a YouTube video entitled “Katherine Whitney Goes Rogue at Ellevate” with an image of Katherine in what she was wearing last night. So I click on it and start watching what appears to be an amateur video taken by an audience member of Katherine’s speech, and I can’t believe my eyes.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Good evening. And thank you Sallie for that wonderful introduction. I am honored to be here tonight and honored that Ellevate, of which I’m proud to be a member, has decided to bestow this prestigious award upon me. I also want to congratulate Oprah Winfrey. I have admired Oprah for as long as I can remember and she is a true role model for so many women.

  But I’m sorry to say that I am unable to accept this award. And I apologize to Sallie that I did not give her any notice. I was actually planning on coming up here and accepting the award graciously and giving a prepared speech to you all about how you should live your dream life, about how work-life balance is possible, about how you, like me, can have it all. And I was going to stand up here and make it all look so easy.

  But as my name was announced and as I was walking up here to give that speech, I realized I could not say what I had ori
ginally planned. And that I could not in good faith accept this award. Because that would be a lie.

  I do not have anything written down. I left the planned speech on the table in my handbag. Please bear with me as I try to articulate what I am suddenly feeling so clearly and deeply.

  First I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt and all the people I’m going to hurt by the end of this speech. All the people who have trusted me, who have supported me, who have invested in me. I was wrong and I am sorry.

  There are a few things that happened today, that have actually been happening over the last several months but that came to a head today that led me to make this decision to, well, come clean.

  This morning I received a diagnosis from my dermatologist. I, and I’m sure many of you can relate to this, have been too busy, or so I convinced myself, to go to the dermatologist for a skin check. I have had skin cancer scares in the past so it was, to say the least, unwise to put my checkup off as long as I did, but there was always something more important to do and the dermatologist appointment kept falling to the bottom of the list. Eventually I went. In fact, it was a week and a half ago. I was not surprised when my doctor found a spot on my forehead that he thought looked suspicious. I told him I had no time for a biopsy and ran out of the office. A week later, this past Wednesday, my husband practically forced me to go back to get the biopsy done. I went, and the procedure, a shave biopsy, was no big deal. What was unpleasant, though, was waiting for the results to come back. Oh, how my mind played with me. I had convinced myself that I had cancer.

  Well, I got the call from the doctor this morning. And appreciation must go out to all the doctors out there who will call their patients on Saturdays so the waiting does not go on needlessly. I was lucky. I am lucky. The spot was diagnosed as a solar keratosis. It is not cancer. Millions of Americans are diagnosed with skin cancer every year. Today, I was not one of them. I know how lucky I am.

  What my doctor gave me this morning, in addition to that diagnosis, was a dose of perspective.

  You see, I received the diagnosis while I was wallowing in self-pity. I had a dreadful experience on the Today show this morning. I was supposed to be on to defend myself against the article that was published in the New York Post yesterday that called me a fraud.

  Let’s just say the Today interview did not go so well. It was not the supportive fluff piece I had been led to believe it would be. Instead, and rightfully so, I was called out by the host Lester Holt and the other guest Dr. Elaine Ireland, who I spoke to for a while during cocktails here tonight and who, unknowingly, was one of the reasons I’ve decided to give this speech. They challenged me, my book, and what I stand for. And they were, I realized later that afternoon when I had time to reflect on it all, right. They were absolutely, unequivocally right.

  So there I was, post-Today show interview, wallowing in my self-pity when I received a phone call telling me that I don’t have cancer. And not to make this too dramatic, but I suddenly felt like one of those airplane crash survivors who says that she feels like she has a second chance at her life.

  Suddenly everything came into laser focus, and I saw my life with the perspective that I so desperately needed.

  It is true, well some of it, the gist of it at least, what the Post said about me. My life is unbalanced. I am doing a terrible job at doing it all. And I understand and agree with what Dr. Ireland was trying to tell me.

  While I was trying to convince women that they can have it all, that it is so easy, that it simply takes commitment, and drive, and some well-proven strategies, I was having trouble in my own life.

  I’ll let you in on my secrets. I am completely overwhelmed at work. There is more on my plate than I think I can accomplish. I feel stressed out most of the time. My youngest daughter often calls our nanny “Mama.” I have neglected my daughters and my dear and understanding and incredibly supportive husband, who I’m starting to suspect might actually be considering leaving me. I never have time to exercise, and as you now know, I put off going to the doctor. In other words, I don’t exactly practice what I preach.

  What I’ve learned is that you can’t do all of it well all at the same time. Sacrifices, sometimes big ones, must be made and it’s just a matter of deciding which sacrifices you are willing to make.

  I apologize to all the women out there who I’ve met, who have sent me letters telling me about their struggles trying to balance it all. I apologize to all of you for saying it was possible. It is not. And I fear most of all that I’ve made women feel inadequate. That by acting like having it all and doing it all is doable, that they feel like failures for not living up to what I’ve told them is their potential.

  So to all you women out there who feel badly about yourselves, who are trying to get by every day taking care of your job, your family, your marriage, yourself, you must know that you are doing a great job. That it isn’t easy. And that if none of it seems like it’s working out, which most days it won’t, then you are officially a member of a sisterhood of women exactly like you. You are not alone.

  So, thank you Ellevate for giving me this platform. Though this wasn’t the speech I had intended to give and it certainly wasn’t the speech you had intended me to give, I feel like it was the perfect audience to talk to about all this.

  I would also like to say that I did not set out to be a fraud or to be malicious in any way. When I wrote my book, I truly believed everything in it, and I still think there are strategies in there that can help working women handle their responsibilities. But when things got harder in my life, I do admit that I didn’t come out and speak the truth. I felt like I was too deep into this persona, that I could never find a way out of it. I thank you in advance for understanding that I did not mean to hurt anyone or, as I’ve been accused of doing, set the women’s movement back. I hope by speaking to you tonight, I’ve made slight amends for my mistakes, and I look forward to making more.

  Thank you for your time.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I check Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and see that Katherine is trending everywhere. Social media is all aflutter about Katherine’s “announcement,” “admission,” “fall from grace,” “disgusting pity party.” There’s a long Huffington Post piece about the speech with hundreds of comments. Someone wrote, “I admire Katherine Whitney so much for what she did. That took a lot of guts. And it validates women to no end that someone at her level and of her prominence stood up there and told it like it is.” Someone else wrote “Wah, wah. I feel so sorry for Katherine Whitney. Stop crying bitch.” I spend time reading all the comments. I am in shock that Katherine did what she did.

  At the same time, I feel so proud of her. I cannot imagine that was easy to do. In the video I watched, the sound was a little off and it was a little shaky, but I could hear in Katherine’s voice how sincere she was. How emotional that was for her. She clearly spoke from her heart.

  I try to put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn’t know her. Would I think she was being authentic? Would I forgive her? It’s hard to say whether strangers will believe she was being genuine, but from the majority of reactions on social media, it seems as if they will.

  It takes me a moment to make the realization, and the pit in my stomach grows as I do, that I did indeed create Katherine’s downfall. But I think about all that she said in her speech and realize the Post article was just one piece of that puzzle. Sure it was the first piece, and sure it was the reason there was a Today interview in the first place, but it wasn’t the only thing. And Katherine didn’t sound like she had any regrets during that speech. It wasn’t like she was someone who got caught doing something, that then the press exposed her, and she begrudgingly confessed. No, she would have been fine keeping her cover, convincing the media that the Post piece was a fluke, that she was still killing it in the balance department. No one forced Katherine to make that speech. She chose to get up there and come clean to all those people, to the world. An
d it actually sounded like she was glad she did.

  Lucy: Hi Mom. Hi Matt. Coming tonight. Matt can you pick me up at station at 3:54?

  Mom: So glad Lucy.

  Matt: I can pick you up. See you later.

  Lucy: Hi Katherine. Nick is fine. Thank God. Just a bad scare but he is going to be fine. Thank you for asking. I watched your speech. So proud of you. Talk tomorrow.

  And then I call Ava. I tell her about Nick’s accident and that we’re officially back together. We discuss her amazing date last night. And then we discuss Katherine and The Speech. When we’re about to hang up, she asks me if I’ve seen the quote she posted on Instagram this morning. I grab my phone and look at my feed: Freedom is found when we let go of who we’re supposed to be and embrace who we really are.

  Later, after Nick and I see a movie and engage in a lot of kissing (nothing strenuous, doctor), I start to leave his apartment to head to Grand Central to take the 3:07 to Rye.

  “That was a really nice day,” Nick says.

  “It was a perfect end to this horrendous week that has been an unbelievable roller coaster of emotion,” I say leaning against his door. He kisses me again.

  “Have fun at your mom’s. Tell everyone I say hey.”

  “Will do. Good luck with all your work tonight.”

  “Speaking of work, what do you think is going to happen at work tomorrow? Katherine and all?” He asks.

  “Oh, man, I don’t know,” I say.

  “If I had to guess, I would say that you’ll go in and things will kind of be back to normal. Maybe a new normal, but normal. I mean, what’s Katherine going to do? Quit her job?”