by Duncan Ball
UNDER BUNDERS
One thing for which I do not care
Is other people’s underwear
Especially if these underclothes
Are just a little on the nose.
But even when they’re clean, I wonder,
What they’re doing there, down under?
This may sound a little mean
But why buy clothes that can’t be seen?
If I was one for underdaks
I’d slip them on outside my slacks
And then my outers would be undies
Every day and twice on Sundies!
TRICKS AND TREATS
‘Promise me that you’ll be good while we’re out tonight,’ Mrs Trifle said to her dreadful nephews, Willy and Billy.
‘We’ll be good,’ Willy and Billy said very sweetly.
‘I don’t want any trouble from you two. I know it’s Halloween tonight but you’re not to go out, is that clear?’
‘Yes, Auntie.’
‘And don’t bother Selby. Hmmm. I wonder where he’s got to.’
‘You’ll never guess,’ Selby thought.
Selby had found the perfect hiding place high on top of the tall cabinet in the loungeroom. From there he could lie flat and peer down without being noticed.
‘No one’s going to look up to the ceiling to see a dog,’ he thought.
‘I don’t like this Halloween nonsense,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But, in case some children come around trick-or-treating, give them some lollies from the bowl by the door. You boys may have one each — but only one.’
‘Thank you, Auntie.’
‘Have you brought some videos to watch?’
‘Yes, Auntie,’ Willy said. ‘There’s one about some kids who go to a summer camp on a lake —’
‘And one about a party,’ Billy interrupted.
‘Yes, yes, very nice,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Goodness me, look at the time! Are you ready, dear? Now don’t get into mischief, boys, or you’ll be in big trouble with me and your mother, understand?’
‘Yes, Auntie,’ Willy and Billy said together.
Within seconds of the Trifles leaving, Willy and Billy were fast-forwarding their way through their videos — Scream at Camp Blood and Death Party IV — only stopping to watch the gory bits.
‘Oh, mate!’ Willy squealed. ‘Look! That’s her head! Oh, cooool!’
‘This is so great!’ Billy squealed back. ‘Hey, let’s eat some lollies!’
Willy and Billy sat there stuffing themselves with the trick-or-treat sweets and watching their videos.
‘How can they watch this stuff?’ Selby wondered. ‘How can they eat when they’re watching it? It makes me sick and I’m not even watching!’
Soon Willy and Billy had fast-forwarded their way from one gruesome scene to another until they came to the end of the videos.
‘What are we going to do now?’ Billy asked.
‘Let’s look for that dumb-face poo poo doggie,’ Willy answered. ‘The one that talks.’
‘He doesn’t talk. Don’t kid me.’
‘Does!”
‘Doesn’t!’
‘I saw him talk!’ Willy said, pushing Billy.
‘You’re a liar!’ Billy said, pushing him back.
‘Am not!’
‘Hey,’ Billy said, suddenly changing tone. ‘Where are the masks?’
‘In the bag,’ Willy said, grabbing his skeleton mask and putting it on. ‘Let’s go trick-or-treating.’
‘Oh, goody!’ Billy said, putting on a devil mask. ‘If we go now we’ll be back before stupy Auntie comes home. Come on!’
Willy and Billy darted out the door. Selby climbed down from the cabinet and grabbed the sweets bowl.
‘I can’t believe this!’ Selby thought. ‘Those little brats ate all the lollies!’
Selby stared at the empty bowl, his mouth watering at the thought of sweets.
‘I just wanted one — maybe two,’ he thought. ‘Hang on, I’ve got an idea …’
Selby dashed out the back door and climbed under the house till he found a big plastic bag.
‘It’s still here,’ he thought, taking the dog suit out.
He quickly put on the suit and zipped it up. Then Selby snapped up the fastener at the top.
In a minute he was strolling down the street with the empty plastic bag over his shoulder. Around him on the footpath were children in Halloween costumes.
‘Hi kids,’ Selby said, waving.
‘Hi mister doggy dog,’ a little girl answered. ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m a dog, that’s who I am.’ ‘Oh.’
Selby chuckled.
‘This is so much fun,’ he thought. ‘Nobody would ever guess that there’s a dog in here. Now for some goodies.’
Selby went up to a door and knocked.
‘Trick-or-treat,’ he said, when a woman came to the door.
The woman smiled and put a handful of lollies in his bag.
‘What a nice costume you have, little boy,’ she said. ‘Or are you a little girl?’
‘Neither,’ Selby answered. ‘I’m a dog. But I’m a boy dog.’
Ahead of him on the footpath Selby saw Bogusville’s two policemen — Sergeant Short and Constable Long.
‘It’s good that they’re out here keeping an eye on things,’ Selby thought. ‘Hello there,’ Selby said, waving as he passed.
‘Hello, little boy,’ Sergeant Short said.
‘I’m not a boy, I’m a boy dog,’ Selby said, ‘a talking boy dog.’
Selby chuckled again as he walked away.
‘This is great,’ he thought, ‘I’m telling everyone my secret and they don’t even believe me.’
Soon Selby’s bag was nearly filled with sweets.
‘This’ll keep me going,’ he thought. ‘There’s everything in there — Grizz-Bars, Choc-O-Rings, Spritzy Sprinkles and a couple of apples and oranges. I can always chuck those out. Hmmm. It’s not quite full. Maybe just one more house.’
Suddenly Selby saw them coming towards him — Willy and Billy.
‘Sheeeeeesh,’ Selby thought. ‘Those two give me the creeps. I’ll just walk by very quietly.’
Willy turned as Selby passed. Even through the hideous skeleton mask, Selby could sense Willy’s tiny brain slowly making its painful way from little thought to little thought. Suddenly the boy raised his arm and pointed his finger at Selby.
‘Hey!’ Willy said. ‘I know you!’
‘No, you don’t,’ Selby said, hurrying on. ‘You’ve never seen me before in your life.’
‘Yes I have, you big liar!’ Willy squealed. ‘You were on that aeroplane with me! Hey, Billy, there’s a dog in there! And he’s Auntie’s fuzzball fur-face doggie! And he can talk!’
‘Yeah, sure.’
‘It’s true! I’ll prove it!’
Selby broke into the best run he could manage in the bulky dog suit, but it was no match for a boy in a skeleton mask. Selby came crashing down with Willy wrapped around his hind legs.
‘Gotcha!’ Willy cried. ‘Now I’m going to pull your head off!’
‘Let me go, brat!’ Selby whispered.
‘Billy, he talked again! Help me pull his head off!’
Now both Willy and Billy were pulling at the head of Selby’s dog suit. Selby locked his front legs over the head but slowly the head began to lift and Selby could see Willy’s peering eyes looking into his.
‘I see you!’ Willy screamed. ‘Look, Billy!’
‘I can’t see him!’ Billy said. ‘Pull harder!’
Suddenly, just as Selby was losing the battle of the hand-held head, there was a voice from nearby.
‘Stop that you two!’
The boys let go and got to their feet. There, standing on the footpath, were the two policemen.
‘Leave that boy alone!’ Sergeant Short ordered.
‘He’s not a boy, he’s a dog!’ Willy said.
‘He’s a boy dog,’ said Sergeant Short. ‘A talking boy dog. We know,
he just told us.’
The sergeant pulled Willy and Billy’s masks away from their faces for a moment and then let them go.
‘Aunt Jetty’s boys,’ he said. ‘Out for a bit of trouble, are we?’
‘There’s a real dog in there!’ Willy said, pointing to Selby.
Sergeant Short laughed.
‘Don’t be silly,’ he said. ‘Now leave him alone.’
‘You’re the silly-head!’ Willy said.
The two policemen looked at each other.
‘Excuse me but what did you call my friend here?’ Constable Long asked.
‘He’s a talking dog!’ Willy insisted. ‘Take his head off and see for yourself!’
‘Okay, kid, this is what I’m going to do,’ Constable Long said, grabbing the head of Selby’s dog suit and starting to pull it. ‘I’m going to show you that you’re wrong and then you’re going to tell him that you’re sorry.’
‘Please don’t do that,’ Selby whispered.
‘I just want to show him to shut him up,’ the constable said, pulling harder.
‘But-But you can’t do that,’ Selby said.
‘Why not?’
‘Because then he’ll see me.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘He’ll pick on me at school,’ Selby said.
‘Good point. On your way, kids,’ the policeman said, lifting Selby up onto his hind legs again. ‘And if we catch you picking on anyone else, you’re off to the police station and your mother can come and get you. Do you understand?!’
Billy grabbed Willy by the elbow.
‘We won’t do anything,’ he said. ‘Come on, Willy!’
Billy pulled his brother away but Willy looked back at Selby.
‘Those kids are going to get me,’ Selby thought. ‘They’ll wait till the police go and then they’ll come looking for me. I know how their mini minds work.’
‘Are you okay now, little boy?’ Sergeant Short asked Selby.
‘I’m okay,’ Selby answered.
Selby started walking away in the opposite direction to Willy and Billy.
‘Aunt Jetty’s boys are up to their old tricks again,’ Selby heard Sergeant Short say. ‘And I would love to catch them doing something.’
‘I hope you do,’ Selby thought. ‘As for me, I’m getting out of this heavy suit so I can run if those little mongrels see me.’
Selby crept into some bushes and took off the dog suit.
‘I’ll leave it here and come back for it tomorrow,’ he thought. ‘Now to get back to the house and hide.’
Selby had just left the bushes when he heard the policemen’s voices again.
‘Look in there!’ Constable Long said. ‘That boy left the suit behind. He must have been afraid that those brats would find him and pick on him again.’
‘Hey, I’ve got an idea,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘Speaking of tricks, I think I have one for Aunt Jetty’s boys.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just get into the suit.’
‘Why me? Why not you?’
‘Because you’re only a constable and I’m a sergeant so you have to do what I tell you to do.’
‘This I have to see,’ Selby thought.
And so it was that Constable Long, wearing Selby’s dog suit, strolled along the footpath, greeting all the trick-or-treaters. Meanwhile Sergeant Short followed at a safe distance behind and Selby followed at an even safer distance behind him.
Willy and Billy saw the dog suit.
‘It’s him!’ Willy cried as he broke into a run. ‘Let’s get him, Billy! It’s that stupy-face poo-head doggie!’
Willy and Billy ran towards the policeman, crash-tackling him to the ground.
‘Pull his head off, Billy!’ Willy squealed.
‘Cut it out, you morons!’ Constable Long yelled.
Just then the head of the dog suit flew off, revealing the smiling face of Constable Long.
‘Trick-or-treat,’ the constable said.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Billy.
‘Look, Billy,’ Willy said, ‘It’s a-a nice policeman.’
‘You’re right,’ Sergeant Short said very sweetly, picking the boys up by their collars. ‘And he’s going to give you a nice ride in a nice police car to a very nice police station. Then he’ll ring your mother and you can tell her how you got there.’
‘Oh, joy, oh, joy, oh happy day!’ Selby thought as the sergeant threw the boys in the back of the police car and Constable Long left Selby’s dog suit in the bushes. ‘And what a nice little treat this was for me.’
Paw note: I made a big big mistake by talking to Willy a couple of times. (Fortunately nobody believes him when he tells them I can talk.)
S
Paw note: For once, Willy was right. I was on a plane wearing my dog suit and he pulled the head bit up and saw me. It’s all in the story ‘Selby Flies the Smiling Skies’ in the book Selby Screams.
S
DR TRIFLE’S TRAVELLING TOOT
‘If this new invention of mine takes off then no one will ever have to go to the toilet again,’ Dr Trifle announced.
Selby lay nearby watching as Mrs Trifle took a tray of her famous chocolate and vanilla biscuits out of the oven.
‘But everyone has to go to the toilet,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘I don’t mean that people won’t have to go to the toilet anymore,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What I’m saying is that now they have to go to the toilet.’
‘You just said the same thing twice.’
‘No I didn’t. Going to the toilet is completely different to going to the toilet.‘
‘There, you said it again,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But could we talk about this later? We’re due at the Bogusville Fair right now. I’ve got to be there to flag the winner of the Wacky Wheels Road Race.’
‘The wacky what?’
‘Wacky Wheels. Anything on wheels except cars,’ Mrs Trifle explained.
Dr Trifle sniffed the biscuits.
‘Yummy! ChocoVan biscuits. Why don’t you enter them in the pastry competition at the fair?’ he asked. ‘You’d win for sure.’
‘Don’t be silly — Melanie Mildew has made a huge pavlova shaped like Bogusville Town Hall,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She’ll win it for sure. Come to think of it, where’s Jetty? Her car’s broken down and she wants a lift with us.’
‘Oh how I love Mrs Trifle’s ChocoVan bikkies,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t wait till she goes so I can have one.’
Dr Trifle took a little black plastic thing out of his pocket. It looked like a TV remote control but with a joystick in the middle.
‘While we’re waiting for Jetty I could show you my new toilet invention,’ he said.
‘The one that makes going to the toilet unnecessary?’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘That’s the one, the perfect toilet for busy people,’ Dr Trifle said, pushing the ON button on the controls.
Suddenly there was a whirring and beeping from down the hallway. Dr Trifle grabbed the joystick and pushed it forward.
Selby jumped to his feet as a toilet came tearing out of the bathroom, sped down the hall, and screeched to a stop outside the kitchen. Mrs Trifle jumped back.
‘What in heaven’s name is that?!’ she cried.
‘It’s my TOOT.’
‘What do you mean, your toot? That’s our toot only it’s got wheels on it.’
‘Well, yes, but you don’t understand. I call it my Transmigratory Orbital Orienting Toilet — T-O-O-T. It’s the world’s first travelling toot,’ Dr Trifle said proudly. ‘With this, you’ll never have to go to the toilet again because the toilet will come to you.’
‘How … interesting,’ Mrs Trifle said, still stunned by the TOOT. ‘But what’s it for?’
‘What’s any toilet for?’
‘Yes, I know that, but why a travelling toilet?’
‘Let’s say you’re watching TV but you’re busting to go to the loo. You push the controls and here it comes,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Or you
’re having a dinner party and someone asks where the loo is. Then whiz, bang, screech and it’s here. Of course there are a few small matters that have to be worked out.’
‘Like the small matter of privacy,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Privacy? Oh, yes, I see what you mean.’
‘And the small matter of plumbing. Where are the pipes?’
‘It doesn’t need pipes. There’s enough water in the back part for one good flush.’
‘Which will go all over the floor,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘along with … well, you know what. Now put it back the way it was. But don’t connect it up again, there isn’t time.’
Dr Trifle moved the joystick on the TOOT controls back and forth. The toilet did a quick three-point turn in the loungeroom, sped off down the hall, and backed into the bathroom.
‘Good,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But we can’t wait for Jetty any longer. Let’s go.’
In a minute, Dr and Mrs Trifle had driven off towards town and Selby was eyeing the biscuits. He reached up and was about to grab one when he heard a voice.
‘Sister! Oi! Where are you?!’ it said.
Selby spun around to see the huge hulk of Aunt Jetty filling the doorway.
Selby froze.
Aunt Jetty froze too, and then pointed a finger at him.
‘You stay away from me!’ she cried. ‘One little nip from you and you’re dog meat!’
Selby and Aunt Jetty circled each other until he managed to slip out of the kitchen.
‘The woman’s a maniac!’ he thought. ‘One little bite on the bum and she thinks I’m an attack dog.’
‘Where are you, Sis?!’ Aunt Jetty called again. ‘Oh, yummo bummo,’ she added, noticing the biscuits. ‘I just love her ChocoVan bikkies.’
Jetty snatched one and popped it in her mouth. Before it was properly chewed she popped in another and then another.
‘She’s going to eat them all!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘There’s only one left! Oh, please, just leave it for me.’
‘I should leave this last one,’ Aunt Jetty said, eyeing the last biscuit. ‘On second thoughts …’
The last biscuit flew from Aunt Jetty’s hand into her gaping mouth. In a second it was gone and she had opened the front door.
‘I forgot,’ she mumbled, turning back and heading down the hallway. ‘I’d better go to the little girl’s room before I leave.’
