by Duncan Ball
‘Uh-oh,’ Selby thought. ‘She doesn’t know the loo’s not connected! How can I warn her before she does her business and flushes?! I know,’ he thought, grabbing the TOOT controls and pushing the ON button. ‘I’ll move her outside.’
Selby pushed the joystick forward and heard an ear-piercing scream as Aunt Jetty, still sitting on the toilet, shot out into the hallway, made a quick turn and then tore through the loungeroom and out the open door. Selby was about to stop the TOOT but then hesitated.
‘The front lawn isn’t such a good place,’ he thought. ‘Dr Trifle just watered it. Down the street there’s some bushland.’
Selby snapped the joystick even further forward and the screaming Aunt Jetty tore up the driveway and into the street. With a puff of smoke and the sound of skidding tyres, off she flew down the street sitting on the toilet.
‘I’d better ease off,’ Selby thought as he released the joystick, ‘or she’ll never make the turn into the bush.’
Selby let go of the joystick but the TOOT kept going. He wiggled the stick back and forth frantically only to have the controls spring apart in his paws.
‘Gulp,’ he thought. ‘This is suddenly sort of serious! If I don’t do something she’ll be killed! I might even feel guilty about it.’
Selby raced after the speeding toilet. People ran from their houses to see what the commotion was about.
‘Goodness me,’ an old man said. ‘I do believe I’ve just seen a dog chasing a woman sitting on a speeding what’s-it.’
‘She’s missed the turn-off!’ Selby thought as he ran faster and faster. ‘I’ve got to stop her before she gets to the highway or she’ll crash for sure!’
Little by little, Selby gained on Aunt Jetty. Then, just as she reached the highway, Selby grabbed the back of the TOOT and dragged his back paws to slow it down.
‘Yoooooouch! My paws are skidding!’ he thought. ‘I can’t slow it down! But maybe if I swing my weight to the side, I can turn it!’
Selby clung to the back of the TOOT, swinging his back legs to the side. The toilet screeched around the corner and headed off down the highway.
‘If I keep it going straight,’ Selby thought, ‘sooner or later the battery will run down and it will stop. I’ll point it away from town.’
Sergeant Short and Constable Long sat in their police car at the side of the road drinking soft drinks and waiting for the Wacky Wheels vehicles to come by on their way to the finish line at the Fair.
‘It’s so peaceful out here,’ Constable Long said. ‘Much better than being at the Fair.’
‘Too right,’ Sergeant Short agreed. ‘Remember last year? All those lost kids and dodgem car prangs.’
‘And remember when the table collapsed and Melanie Mildew’s Eiffel Tower pav went all over the place?’ Constable Long added with a chuckle.
Suddenly a speck appeared in the rear-vision mirror.
‘Something’s coming up behind,’ Constable Long said. ‘And it’s coming up fast.’
‘What is it? A car?’ Sergeant Short asked.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Could be one of the Wacky Wheels vehicles, then,’ Sergeant Short said.
‘Not unless it’s lost because it’s going in the wrong direction. The Wacky Wheels vehicles should be coming towards us.’
‘So what is it?’
‘It looks like a toot.’
‘A what?’
‘A toot. A latrine. A water closet — only with wheels.’
‘A water closet?’
‘Yes, you know, a privy. A commode. A comfort station,’ the constable said.
‘Will you please use a word I’ve heard before?’
‘It’s a toilet.’
‘A toilet? Are you telling me that there’s a toilet coming along the road all by itself?’
‘No, it’s not all by itself — there’s a woman sitting on it — and is she travelling! This is one fast toilet and there’s a dog riding on the back.’
‘Constable, if this is your idea of a joke —’
Just then the TOOT tore by shaking the police car. The policemen sat there stunned.
‘I can’t believe it,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘A toilet with a woman riding it and a dog on the back just drove by. Now I’ve seen everything. Start the engine. I think we’d better pull her over.’
Constable Long started the engine.
‘Do we have a reason for pulling her over?’ he asked.
‘Yes — she’s speeding.’
‘I’ve never heard of a speed limit for a toilet,’ Constable Long said. ‘I’ve heard of having to go to the toilet in a hurry but I’ve never heard of a toilet in a hurry.’
‘Yes, thank you, Constable,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘Maybe it’s a stolen toilet.’
‘Has anyone reported a stolen toilet recently?’
‘No. Come to think of it, I can’t remember anyone ever reporting a stolen toilet. Hmmm. But she must be doing something wrong. You can’t just tear along on a toot without breaking the law.’
‘I’ve got it!’ Constable Long said. ‘She’s not wearing a seatbelt!’
‘Good one, Constable! After her!’
Selby was clinging to the button at the top of the toilet tank by one paw as the police car came alongside.
‘Pull over!’ Sergeant Short ordered.
Unfortunately Aunt Jetty was screaming so loudly that she didn’t hear him at first.
‘I said, pull over!’ the policeman yelled again.
‘I can’t stop!’ Aunt Jetty yelled back.
‘What did she say?’ Sergeant Short asked.
‘She said she can’t stop.’
‘I wonder what she means by that?’
‘Haven’t you ever been on a toilet and then the phone rings and you can’t —’
‘Constable Long! There’s no telephone ringing! She is disobeying an order from a police officer! Tell her to stop driving that dunny immediately!’
‘Pull over!’ Constable Long yelled, waving to Aunt Jetty.
‘I’ve got to get off this thing!’ Selby thought. ‘But we’re going too fast. Oh, no! What’s that up ahead?!’
Sure enough, speeding towards them in every imaginable wheeled contraption were the Wacky Wheels racers.
‘Look out!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘Runaway dunnaway! — I mean, runny dunny! — I mean, toilet coming through!’
Selby braced himself for a crash but, as he did, he accidentally pushed the button on the back of the TOOT sending a gush of water across the roadway. In a second there were racers crashing everywhere and wheels flying through the air.
‘I’m riding a dodgem dunny!’ Selby screamed in his brain.
Selby threw his weight to the side to miss a pile of drivers but the road was so wet that the TOOT swung all the way around then headed back towards town.
‘The TOOT has turned!’ Selby thought. ‘When will this thing ever stop?!’
Meanwhile at the finish line, Mrs Trifle stood next to Dr Trifle holding the Wacky Wheels trophy.
‘I think I see the winner coming now,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Yes, it must be,’ Dr Trifle said, looking through his binoculars, ‘because the police car is behind it flashing its lights.’
‘Can you see the driver?’
‘Hang on, it looks like Jetty!’
‘Jetty? My sister? Here, give me those,’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing the binoculars. ‘Good grief, it is her! And she’s driving a toilet! It’s your TOOT! Look out everyone!’
People screamed and scattered as the TOOT tore up to the finish line and screeched to a stop.
‘The battery finally ran out!’ Selby thought as he rolled along the ground.
Selby picked himself up and heaved a sigh of relief. There was a deathly silence. All eyes were on the huge figure that hurtled through the air and slammed into Melanie Mildew’s Bogusville Town Hall pavlova.
‘Jetty! Are you all right?’ Mrs Trifle asked, pulling her sister from the sugary
mess.
‘I think I am,’ Aunt Jetty said as she wiped pavlova out of her eyes. ‘No thanks to that stupid toilet of yours!’
‘We’re terribly sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘And so you should be!’ Aunt Jetty said, snatching the Wacky Wheels trophy from her hands. ‘Give me that thing! I won it fair and square!’
‘And so she did,’ Selby thought, giggling to himself, ‘with a little bit of help from little old me.’
Paw note: The word ‘TOOT’ rhymes with ‘soot’.
S
Paw note: If you want to read about when I bit Aunt Jetty on the bum read the story ‘Selby Bites Back’ in the book Selby Supersnoop.
S
Paw note: This is my invention, an exclamation comma (). Look for other exclamation commas and question commas () in this book.
S
BOMBS AWAY (AGAIN)!
‘The war has begun,’ Mrs Trifle said as an aeroplane swooped low over the Trifles’ rooftop. Selby’s eyes opened.
‘War?! What war?!’ he thought, his brain still muddled from a deep sleep. ‘Where am I?’
The night before, while the Trifles were out, Selby had watched one of his favourite videos. It was an old film called Bomb Brigade about the soldiers who take apart unexploded bombs.
‘It can’t be a real war,’ Dr Trifle said as another plane zoomed overhead.
‘No, of course not,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s just war games.’
‘War games? Don’t you play them on a computer?’
‘Not this sort. The army has war games to practise in case there’s a real war. They’re having a make-believe battle out near Gumboot Mountain all day today.’
More planes screamed overhead.
‘That was close!’ Dr Trifle said, dropping his toast.
‘It’s only make-believe,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But did you know they used to make bombs in Bogusville?’
‘Really? When was that?’
‘A long long time ago, during a real war, there was a bomb factory outside town. The building’s gone now. The bombs were sent overseas to where the war was.’
Selby remembered the scariest scene in Bomb Brigade. In it, Captain Colin ‘Chip’ Halloway crouched in a big hole next to an unexploded bomb. Bit by bit he took the bomb apart. Soldiers, hiding behind sandbags nearby, talked to him on an army telephone. They were following a drawing of the inside of a bomb.
‘I say, Chip,’ the major said. ‘Where are we with the old girl?’
Chip picked up the phone and held it between his shoulder and his ear.
‘I’m down to the clock,’ he answered. ‘She’s still ticking. One last wire to snip and we’ll all be home for tea. Got a black wire and a white wire here. You chaps have any idea which one to cut?’
The major studied the drawing.
‘Sorry, old man,’ he said. ‘Haven’t a clue.’
Chip put his wire-cutters on the white wire. His hand shook. Sweat poured down Selby’s face as he watched. The telephone suddenly slipped off Chip’s shoulder and banged against the bomb.
‘Sheeeeshh!’ Selby gasped. ‘That gave me a start! I’m as jumpy as a kangaroo!’
Chip left the phone on the ground but kept talking into it.
‘I’m going for the black,’ he said, taking the wire-cutters off the white wire and placing them around the black.
He squeezed the handle but his hand was shaking violently. He paused to catch his breath.
Meanwhile, one of the soldiers pointed to something in the drawing of the bomb.
‘Hold on!’ the major cried. ‘We think it’s the white wire! The white! Do you hear me, Chip?!’
But the telephone was on the ground. There was only a little squeaking sound coming out of it.
‘Pick up the phone!’ Selby yelled. He was on his feet now, staring at the television. ‘The white wire, Chip! Cut the white wire!’
‘Don’t cut the black wire or it will set the bomb off!’ the major yelled into the telephone. ‘Listen to me, Chip!’
But Chip couldn’t hear. Suddenly, he took his wire-cutters off the black wire and quickly snipped the white one.
For a moment there was silence as Chip lay back on the ground, panting. But then there came a loud buzz followed by a whirring noise. Chip sat up straight. The wheels in the bomb mechanism turned and a pin moved down towards a piece of metal.
‘It’s the firing pin!’ Selby screamed. ‘Run for your life! It’s going to explode!’
Captain ‘Chip’ Halloway quickly pulled a wooden pencil from his pocket and thrust it in between the pin and the metal. The wheels stopped. The bomb didn’t explode. Selby breathed a sigh of relief.
‘Chip, what’s happening?! Did you cut the wire?! Do you hear me?! Pick up the phone!’ the major yelled.
Chip reached over and picked up the phone. He was smiling.
‘Mission accomplished,’ he said. ‘Now which one of you chaps is going to buy me a drink?’
A cheer went up from behind the sandbags.
Selby was just remembering this when another plane swooped down over the Trifles’ house.
‘Did you see Selby jump?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I do believe these war games are frightening him, poor possum.’
‘Frighten, schmighten,’ Selby thought. ‘War games don’t scare this old trooper. In fact I’m sooooo not frightened that I think I’ll go out and see how the war’s coming along.’
With this Selby made his way out through the hole in the back of the garage. It was rainy and damp but soon he was dashing along beside a speeding tank with explosions all around him.
‘This is so much fun!’ Selby said, as a soldier stopped to pat him. ‘Oh, I’d love to be in the army.’
Selby spent the day watching soldiers shoot other soldiers with squirts of paint and aeroplanes drop flour bombs. Anyone who got covered in flour had to lie on the ground and pretend they were dead.
Finally, Selby had turned for home when he saw a group of soldiers lying in a trench. On the other side of a hill was a soldier scooping dirt away from the side of an unexploded bomb.
‘Oh, great!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s just like in Bomb Brigade! I’ve got to watch this.’
Selby crept up close and lay watching the soldier next to the bomb. Instead of a telephone, he wore headphones with a mouthpiece that curved out in front of his mouth.
‘Hey, Sarge!’ he called out. ‘Talk me through this, okay? I’m scared!’
Selby snickered to himself.
‘Scared,’ he thought. ‘I’m not scared one little bit. I’ve seen the real thing — well the movie version of the real thing.’
‘What’s the serial number on the bomb, Dwayne?’
Selby could just hear the voice from Dwayne’s headphones.
‘It says AA24356 dash B,’ Dwayne answered, taking out the screws on a metal panel and removing it to see the mechanism inside.
‘Hey, that looks like the one in Bomb Brigade,’ Selby thought. ‘It must be an old one they use for practice.’
‘Okay, got it here.’
‘Do you see any wires in there?’
‘Just two — a black one and a white one.’
‘Well-ah-maybe cut the black one.’
‘I’d cut the white one,’ Selby thought. ‘But, hey, that’s just me. Do what you want. This is sooooo much fun. I reckon he’s going to get it wrong. But what does it matter — it’s only a game.’
A plane swooped down overhead.
‘Crikey! I wish they wouldn’t do that!’ the soldier muttered. ‘I’m nervous enough as it is.’
‘What was that, Dwayne?’
‘Never mind. If I cut the black wire, then what?’
‘The white wire,’ Selby thought again.
‘We’re not sure, Dwayne.’
‘Come on you guys!’ Dwayne yelled. ‘What do you mean, you’re not sure?!’
‘The plan is all ripped. It’s old because it’s an old bomb. Nobody knew there were still live bombs left any
where till the rain uncovered this one.’
Selby looked up. It was just starting to rain again. Suddenly those last words sank in.
‘A real bomb?’ he thought. ‘Is that possible? Oh, no! This must be one of the bombs from the old bomb factory. I’m getting out of here!’
Selby was about to run when he heard the soldier say, ‘I can’t do it! I can’t!’
‘You have to, Dwayne! Don’t pike out now! The women and children of Bogusville are depending on you!’
‘But can’t we get the demo guys to blow it up?’
‘No can do, Dwaynie boy. If the bomb goes up it’ll take the dam out. Then the town will be hit by a wall of water.’
‘But why me?’
‘Because you’re the only one who’s been trained to defuse old bombs.’
‘Trained? Do you call watching some boring old movie called Bomb Brigade training?’
‘That’s more than we got, Dwayne. We didn’t even get to see the movie. Come on, mate, get a wriggle on. If this rain keeps up it’ll short it out and then it’ll go off anyway.’
‘Okay, I’m going to cut the black wire — just like in the movie.’
‘No, Dwayne, it was the white one,’ Selby mumbled.
Selby watched as Dwayne’s trembling hand picked up the wire-cutters and put them around the black wire.
‘The white wire!’ Selby whispered. ‘The white one!’
‘Did I hear someone say, “The white one!"?’ the soldier called out.
‘We didn’t say anything, Dwayne.’
‘I think it was the black one,’ Dwayne mumbled. ‘No, the white one. No, the black one.’
Selby’s head was spinning as he watched the terrified soldier move his wire-cutters from one wire to the other. Then he imagined himself running across the field as a huge explosion threw a mountain of dirt into the air. The side of the dam burst and then a wall of water tore down the valley towards Bogusville.
‘No, I can’t let it happen!’ he said out loud. ‘Dwayne, it was the white one!’
Dwayne spun around. His uniform was soaked with sweat and his hands shook so much that his watch flew off. He stared at Selby.
‘Wha-What did you say?’ he asked. ‘Did you talk?’
