Rocker Boy

by Wendy Knight

"She heard me tell Colin I was taking a break. That I wanted to marry her. She heard me." Levi slammed his fist into his forehead.

  Jace was silent, his ragged breathing the only sound Levi could hear in the entire world.

  "I'm never going to get her back, am I?"

  Jace started to speak, finally, but Levi cut him off. "She's gone. For good."

  "I don't know what to say,' Jace said, "except that I'm glad I'm not you."

  Levi felt his eyes burn and his throat burn, like hell was trying to swallow him whole. "I know. I'm sorry, I just—" Words failed him, and he shook his head as Colin appeared in the doorway. "I just lost her for good, didn't I?"

  Chapter Fifteen

  HARLI WAS SIX HOURS AWAY BY the time the panic faded, and she could think like a rational, somewhat intelligent human being. At least, until she thought about the whole situation again and started sobbing — not just one or two half-hearted sobs, but sobbing so hard she had to pull over because the shattered pieces of her heart were attempting to strangle her.

  "Harli… You're a freaking nut job," she told the rearview mirror as she attempted to rub off the streaks of mascara leftover from the night before. Her reflection stared back at her — pale cheeks and eyes dark with the remains of a killer migraine. A nasty blackish/bluish/purplish gash/bump went really well with her smeared makeup and wild hair.

  And she'd stopped at two gas stations looking like this.

  "Awesome," she mumbled as she dug her phone out of her purse. The battery was dead, which, to the girl who had no desire to speak to anyone, was a bonus. She was mad at Levi, and hurt, and confused, but she knew he'd be worried sick.

  Levi, who seemed to feel her pain and her joy and her fears. They'd always had an almost surreal connection. Or at least, they used to.

  He wanted to marry her.

  He wanted to quit.

  How had this happened?

  She plugged her phone into the charger and shoved the charger into the outlet and then shifted into drive and waited for the phone to turn on and tell her just how angry he actually was.

  It took a few minutes, but then the phone started buzzing like an enraged, super-large bee — for several long seconds. Wincing, she pulled over and checked her messages.

  Yeah, he was angry.

  The first several were pissed off with lots of swearing. He didn't understand why she'd run, which made sense because she didn't fully understand it, either. Just remember, Harli, I didn't walk away. You let me go. This is all you.

  But the last one was different. And it hurt most of all.

  I failed. I get it now. I hurt you and I'm sorry, Sunshine. I'm not coming after you. I'm letting you heal like I should have from the beginning. Please forgive me.

  Yeah, it was what she wanted. Neither of them could move on if he didn't let her go. But her stupid heart still kept hoping, despite her brain's better judgment, that somehow this would work out. That somehow, Levi would find a way to keep them together.

  No matter how much she tried to keep them apart.

  That he would be able to tape all the pieces of her heart into place, even when she was determined to keep them broken. She was the crazy one. He was the one who soothed her insanity. He took all her issues, and he fixed them. She'd been hoping that despite all her efforts, he wouldn't let her push him away.

  Instead, he'd let her go. Just like she had said she wanted.

  Harli dropped her phone and pressed her fist to her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to muffle her sobs. "I'm so—so tired of hurting," she cried to the empty truck. She was used to crying alone. She was used to hiding her scars and her tears. But at that moment, she would have given anything to have someone with her. Someone who would tell her it would all be okay. That she would get through this and the pain would stop.

  That they loved her even if she was crazy. Even if she ruined everything she touched. She would have, at that moment, given anything to have someone brush away her tears.

  But she had no one except herself.

  And her track record for getting through pain was, so far, one hundred percent. Nothing she'd been through before had stopped her, and this? This wouldn't either.

  Although she was fairly positive her heart had never broken into so many shattered pieces before.

  She didn't read Kim's messages. Instead she clenched her teeth until her tears stopped, and then dialed her number. Kim answered on the first ring.

  "Do you bloody know how bloody angry I am, Harli? Do you know how effing selfish you are? I've not slept in days. I called the cops. Your mom was in jail. And then Levi finally tells me you're alive and before I've even let the relief settle he tells me you've run again. I have half a mind to hang up on you —"

  Apparently, Jace was answering Kim's phone now.

  "I'm so sorry, Jace. You didn't deserve this." She clenched her teeth again, harder this time, until her jaw felt like it might crack. She'd done a lot of stupid things today. How many lives was she going to ruin before she was done?

  Her soft words seemed to deflate his anger, and his voice when he spoke was softer this time. "Are you okay? Do you need me to come get you?"

  "No. I'm—I'm about an hour and a half away. I should be home soon."

  "I guess I don't need to tell you how stupid this was."

  She sighed, resting her forehead on the top of the steering wheel. "No. You seriously don't."

  "Why'd you run? Levi was going to come with you. Make sure you got home okay. You're too damn young to be driving across the country by yourself." Jace's voice raised. In the background, Kim was yelling, too.

  "I didn't drive across the country. Just across the state."

  "Harls—" he growled.

  "I ran because he hurt me. And he said we were going to talk and he was going to work things out, and all I could think is that I ruin everything, and I don't want to ruin him, and he wants to quit, Jace! He wants to quit, and then he'll say I ruined his dreams just like my mom—" Her voice had dropped to a whisper, but he heard her — she knew by the sharp breath on the other end of the line.

  "He doesn't want to hurt you."

  Somehow, Jace seemed to know more than he should.

  Tears slowly, silently snaked their way down her cheek and dripped onto the steering wheel. Absently she thought about how slippery it was going to be if she ever found the courage to sit up and drive again — something she should probably get doing. "I know. I've gotta go. I don't like to drive and talk."

  "Yeah. I know. Gets in the way of your song-planning."

  She smiled, despite the tears still trying unsuccessfully to wash away the remains of her mascara. "I come up with my best song ideas in the car."

  She could picture him rolling his eyes. "Be careful. Come straight here when you get home. Kim's a worried mess."

  Jace: Just talked to her. She's okay.

  Levi: Okay.

  THERE WERE A MILLION things he wanted to ask — where was she? Why had she run? What the hell was wrong with her? But he had to let her go. He had to let her heal, but she'd hurt him, too — and he needed to heal just like she did.

  Getting laid, as Graham had suggested, was not the answer.

  He lowered his phone. Colin watched him intently. "She's okay."

  "And?" Colin leaned forward, like it would help him read Levi's mind.

  Levi shrugged, dropping his phone on his bed. "And nothing. She's okay. That's all I need to know."

  Colin flopped back on his bed as Levi's phone rang. Frowning, he glanced at the screen.

  Kim.

  "Hey. What's up?" He tried not to sound panicked or desperate or any other thing he wasn't supposed to feel.

  "I just—I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Jace says you are, but he's a guy…"

  "Thanks. I'm okay. I am."

  "This is going to be funny one day, Levi. A good story to tell our grandkids. Like — Oh! Remember when we were in high school together and you used to get suspended every week for beating up an
y guy that looked at her?"

  Levi snorted. "Yeah. I only graduated because she talked the damn principal into letting me do community service." He shook his head, staring out the window. "There was a new guy every week. Everyone wanted her. The girl stepped foot in that high school and every stupid guy there instantly got a hard-on."

  Kim laughed. "Those were the days, huh?"

  "Levi, you can't keep doing this. Your hand is so swollen you won't even be able to work tonight." Harli shoved her dark brown curls behind her ears and bent over his bloodied knuckles, dabbing at them with a washcloth and alcohol. She knew what she was doing — the girl was good at cleaning up injuries. Levi ached because he knew why, and he would do anything to keep her away from her mother.

  But how was he supposed to do that when Harli wouldn't even believe that her mother was the villain?

  "They're saying our album could go all the way." He pulled his hand away from her and used it to tilt her chin up so she had to look at him. Huge brown eyes blinked innocently. "And then I'll buy us a house and a yard and you can get a dog…"

  She smiled, pulling his hand back into her lap. "I'm seventeen. You're nineteen—"

  "I know how old I am, Sunshine." He grinned, and even though she rolled her eyes, the smile played at the corner of her mouth.

  "My point is, Rocker Boy, that we're too young to buy a house and get a dog."

  "Jace has had a dog since he was four."

  She sighed with mock exasperation as she ripped open the butterfly bandage. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

  "Okay. Fine. We'll wait 'til you graduate, and then see what school you get into, and I'll buy a house there. Deal?"

  She sat back, watching him with suspicious, narrowed eyes. "You really think when you're rich and famous you'll still want me? You'll have all these girls all over you and—"

  "Harli, there isn't anyone in the world who could make me even look away from you." He caught her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing her knuckles.

  She crawled into his lap, leaning her forehead against his neck. As it always did when she was so close, his blood roared and his body responded.

  Until her next words hit him. "You deserve a chance to live your life, Rocker Boy. You've been stuck with me since you were sixteen."

  Levi groaned, rolling over on his stomach. Even then, she'd been trying to get away from him. He should have seen this coming. Should have done something to prevent it. Should have walked away when he had the chance. But he couldn't walk away now. Too many people were depending on him. And even if he could, would he want to?

  Well, that was the question, wasn't it?

  "It will stop hurting, right? It's not always gonna feel like this?" Levi had broken a lot of hearts before Harli came along — he'd started in kindergarten and most of those girls still hadn't forgiven him.

  Jace took the phone. "I've only been dumped by one girl, Levi, and it only stopped hurting because she stayed my friend and she's sweet as hell. If I said I wasn't crazy jealous because she picked you over me, I'd be lying. I think it doesn't hurt as much when you're the one doing the walking away."

  Awesome. Levi hung up, staring out the window at the landscape blurring by. He never got to sightsee. Harli's goal in life was to visit every major city in the world. Somewhere along the way, that had become his goal, too, but he'd never thought he'd watch them all flying by from the window of his tour bus. "This life is already getting old," he mumbled around his pillowcase.

  "Maybe you're just burned out. We've been on tour for almost a year with barely a break in between, and that was spent writing and practicing and recording and interviewing…" Colin trailed off, as if the list exhausted him, too.

  Levi nodded, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. He checked his phone again, but it didn't matter how often he looked. She hadn't written him, hadn't called. And she wouldn't.

  Somehow, he had to accept that.

  He found himself with a pen in his hand and his notebook before he even realized he had new lines to the song in his head. His hands scratched out the words before he could forget them. You say you're holding me back, but you're wrong. You're holding me up because I'm not strong. You say I should live the life I deserve, but you're taking away the only light I've ever had, and you're saying that will help me. But you're so wrong. Without you, there's no candle to come home to.

  Chapter Sixteen

  "YOU'VE GOTTA SNAP OUT OF THIS, dude." Sophie dabbed concealer under his eyes, trying to hide the dark circles because he hadn't slept in days — not since he'd slept with Harli.

  "Yeah."

  He'd banned anyone from talking about her. He'd left her alone; he'd left Jace alone. He'd left Kim alone. He'd written four new songs. He only had the music to one of them — the music Harli had written for him.

  And his heart still loved her with every little broken piece.

  "Your new song is fabulous. It makes me cry every time I hear it." Sophie nodded, agreeing with herself because he just stared at her blankly. That new song ripped his soul out every time he sang it. Be careful when you push her away. One day you'll push so far she won't come back. And you're left with the shattered pieces of an incomplete soul and an ache where your heart used to be.

  "I know it's not really my place… I never met her, you know? But you're really young, Levi. She's just a girl. I mean, you can find another girl. The love of your life is out there, and you probably haven't even met her yet."

  Levi bit the inside of his cheek to keep from snapping at her. Sophie had been doing his stage makeup for a year, but she didn't know his backstory. She knew nothing about him, except that he was an up and coming tattooed rock star. "Sophie," he pursed his lips, trying to reign in his temper. "You're right. You don't know her. If you did, you would never say she's just a girl."

  Sophie raised her hands and stepped back. "I didn't mean to piss you off. I just—I mean, you're twenty years old. I didn't—"

  "She was my best friend, Sophie. When my mom would use our rent money for drugs, she got a job to help me pay our way. When everyone else thought I was a loser — a year behind in school, always dirty, always hungry — Harli didn't see that. She saw me, she's the only person who ever has. I know most people don't meet the person they want to spend their life with when they're sixteen. But I did. She's everything I prayed for. I can finally give her everything we dreamed of, and she's not here. If you knew me at all, you wouldn't say she's just a girl." He jerked to his feet, shoved the chair over, and stalked away.

  "Hey!" Colin yelled. "Your hair's not done. Cameo Prince waits for no man!"

  Levi just shook his head and kept walking. He could just hear Michael's heavy breathing and then, "We gotta do something about that girl."

  Yeah. Get her out of my head. Put me outta my misery.

  "YOU GUYS KNOW I love you," Cameo said, leaning forward in his chair, his Kohl-rimmed black eyes seeming to peer into Levi's very soul. Levi squirmed uncomfortably. "I mean, I was there when you fought your way to the top on The Last Chord. It's always a joy to have you come visit me here on my talk show, you understand."

  It sounded like there was a 'but' coming. Levi, at once, loved and hated Cameo Prince. The guy was one of the few in the industry who didn't try to twist words or start vicious rumors. But he also held nothing back, and if there was something he wanted, he got it and didn't stop until he did.

  "But—"

  Levi closed his eyes. Yep, there was the but he'd been waiting for. "—today I want to shift the focus a little bit to this video that's gone completely viral in the Forums. It's everywhere. And a little birdie told me you might recognize it."

  Cameo nodded toward the giant screen to the side of them, and it blared to life, playing Harli's video from the gig at the club. Levi nearly choked on his own tongue. Harli threw one stick in the air, not even looking up while her other hand kept up the beat, then snatched the stick just before it hit the snare. Then it cut to her throwing both sti
cks in the air, hitting the drum with her hand as the sticks flipped like a wooden rainbow above her head, and again she caught them without missing a beat in an incredibly fast-paced song. Then there were the solo additions she would add during a break-in vocals — the kind of additions that even seasoned rock stars couldn't keep up with.

  "So, I remember this gem from The Last Chord, but she's not with you now. So let's help our audience get to know this mysterious little thing. Y'all grew up together, didn't you? She's from your home town?"

  "Not my home town," Graham mumbled.

  Cameo's lips twitched but he said nothing, instead leaning toward Levi and Colin, his elbows on his knees and his chin propped on his hand. "Tell me about her."

  "Yeah, we know her real well. She's a few years younger than me." Dorian nodded. "I was a senior when she was a sophomore. Even before she hit high school, though, we all knew who she was. Girl's a legend in our home town."

  Before Cameo could ask them the question they all knew was coming, Colin jumped in. "She's a year younger than me. And two years younger than Levi, but he started school late so we're in the same grade." Levi flinched and Colin cast him a sidelong apologetic look. He was so busy trying to distract Cameo he wasn't paying attention to what he was saying.

  And all Levi could think was how upset Selicia was going to be. Harli spent her life trying to hide her talent, and she'd just been rocketed again into the spotlight. Selicia is going to kill her.

  "Yeah, she actually was sort of the love of Levi's life, until she dumped him—" Graham's mouth shut with a snap and his face paled, realizing what he'd said. "I mean, they were kids. Sixteen, right?"

  Cameo chuckled, turning to Levi. "And you're such an adult now?"

  Colin tried to pull the focus away from Levi, shaking his head, his eyes gleaming as he smiled. "Hey now. I'm nineteen years old. I'm practically a senior citizen."

  "So tell me, why was she—"

  Levi jumped in without thinking. "She taught me to play when I was fifteen. I didn't know her before that, but after, I had my first class with her." He laughed, rubbing his hands together. "One of my favorite memories is the first class I had with her. I was on my way to shop class — my turf, back in the day. It's down at the end of a really long hall, so I'm walking, I'm walking." Levi smiled at the memory. "As I get closer, I hear this music. Gorgeous, haunting music. And I turn the corner into the shop, and there are all the guys I'm used to seeing, but they're gathered around this tiny little girl, the size of a damn munchkin, making the electric saw play music." He shook his head. "It was incredible, but I, of course, thought girls didn't belong in shop so I had to give her a rough time. I was all cocky — telling her anyone can make music with something or some stupid whatever, and she stands up, wearing heels in shop, and glares at me and tells me to pick anything in that room and she could play music with it. So that's what we did. We spent the entire period throwing tools at her and watching her bring them to life. The shop teacher didn't even stop us. He was as enthralled as we were."