No Life, Only Death

by Francheska Fifield

  He laughed.

  “You always said I should take classes and become a professional.”

  I sighed, tensed, and stood up, pulling away from him. I stood staring at him wondering what I could say that I hadn’t already said.

  “How many times do I have to say…?”

  “No, how many times do I have to ask you to be honest with me? If you are lying because you no longer feel that way about me and you don’t want to hurt my feelings, just tell me. I can take it like a man now. Just because I still love you doesn't mean you have to love me back.”

  Ouch. I couldn't even say anything. I was so shocked. How low. He was trying to hurt me into spilling the beans. But I was made of tougher stuff than that. It might have worked on me before but I was stronger now.

  “I’m sure if it really was Celeste here, she’d be hurt and scream in denial like you want. But I am not her, so I’m sorry, but you won't be seeing the show you had hoped for.”

  I turned and started to walk down the pathway.

  “Helen, wait!”

  I turned to see Phillip. I smiled. That boy always knew when I needed him. I waited for him to reach me. He stopped running and grabbed my hand, kissing it as he did. I smiled and we walked away hand in hand.

  Once we were out of sight of the building we stopped and sat down.

  “How did you know?”

  He smiled over at me.

  “Well, I didn’t see him anywhere and I knew he’d harass you. Do you really think you can do this?”

  I shook my head. “No. However, not because I cannot separate the old from new. But because he will not let me. Every time he gets near me he goes on and on about Celeste. I’m starting to get annoyed with how much he loves her.”

  “She was an amazing girl, from what I hear. There’s a lot to love.”

  I smiled. I leaned against him. He put his arm around me and I didn’t protest.

  “I think it’s cute how infatuated he is with you. You should be flattered. If a girl was stalking me, the way he is you, I would give her a chance. Don’t meet people that determined every day you know.”

  I laughed. I sat up and looked at him. “Are you serious? You think I should get involved with someone who is so sure I am his dead girlfriend, that he and his friends are stalking me?”

  Phillip was smart. He could take a hint when I gave one. I didn’t refer to myself as Celeste. Usually I did when alone, well not entirely, but I didn’t refer to us as separate people either. I was honest with him because he knew me. My reluctance came from the fact that someone was watching. He knew it as well. He put his hand on my cheek and wiped my loose hair out of my face.

  “No, darling. I think you should date someone who keeps dropping hints and getting nothing for it.”

  He smiled devilishly.

  “You know, you are right. You two are just alike. Both of you are so pushy, trying to get something from me. And no matter how much I say no, neither of you give up. I don’t think its determination. I think it’s stalking. I obviously need to get a few restraining orders.”

  I laughed and Phillip pulled me back to lie against him.

  “No darling, you need to get that restraining order against Troy. He is still looking for your trail. It’s good that Jane enrolled you. He won't be able to get by security.”

  I shivered. Troy was a man I had met during my flight training. He was a mechanic for the planes but he hadn’t been in the military, so his access to me was limited. I was glad because for a while he had stalked me. Until I had lost his trail. “He joined up. Made senior soldier in a year. He is apparently the perfect little lap dog.”

  “Well, let’s hope he doesn't come here then.”

  I sighed. “He will. You and I both know his blind obedience will get him here, if nothing else.” I shivered and cuddled up closer to Phillip. I shouldn’t be afraid of him but he had almost killed me after I brushed him off a few too many times. It was early on in my training and I hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone. I didn’t know if I could kill him without remembering the fear he had put in me.

  “I won't let him hurt you. If he comes, I’ll take care of it. Jane shouldn’t put you through that. She pushes and pushes, testing you over and over. You need a break sometimes. I have a house in the French countryside I visit to unwind. But you have nothing. You need time to lay back and not worry that an assassin is around every corner. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you while I’m here. Life has been bad enough for both of us. All we have is each other. I won't forget that.”

  I hugged Phillip’s waist.

  “Thank you, Phillip.”

  I sighed and closed my eyes. I listened to the wind blow through the trees and felt the warmth of Phillip on my cheek. I relaxed and just pretended for a moment that I was just a girl going to college, sneaking out of class to rendezvous with my boyfriend. But Phillip, no matter how kind and wonderful he had been, wasn't the man I pictured myself with. I sighed. I was hopeless. I pulled away and sat up.

  “You’re right. When Jane gets back I’m going to ask her to fill out the paper work. I have been tested enough. I don’t need a real stalker on my tail. I’m here to learn and graduate, not to see how well I handle emotionally difficult situations.” I smiled. “Besides, she already knows how well I do. I did, after all, punch her sister.”

  “Yes, well darling, her sister did deserve it for sending you all off to die like that.”

  I nodded. “Yes, well it wasn't her decision. It was the galaxy general. The big guy.”

  Phillip nodded. He had been the one to get that information for me. “Well, the guy’s an ass. He thinks he’s hot shit because he was the main man so young. But honestly, it took you so little time to make general. He’s got nothing on you.”

  We stood up and started walking back to the gym.

  “Thanks, Phillip. It means a lot to me that I can count on you. Everyone needs someone they can look to. You’re my someone.” I grabbed his hand and continued to walk. He lifted it to his lips and kissed it.

  “Well, glad to know, because you happen to be my someone as well. And so I think it is time to go inside and hear a lecture about how skipping is wrong. I’ll start off with sarcasm and you go for innocent. We’ll confuse them until they give up.”

  I laughed and we walked up the steps.

  “Helen, can I talk to you for a second?”

  We turned, still holding hands. Nick stood there. He looked sad almost. I figured he had been the one spying on us.

  “Sure, talk away, boy. We don’t want to be late for our lecture.”

  I smiled. Good old Phillip. I squeezed his hand. He smiled and tapped his foot impatiently. I dug my nail into his palm. He got the ‘too much’ hint and stopped tapping.

  “Can I talk to you alone?”

  I opened my mouth but Phillip beat me to the lecturing.

  “No way! You have already upset her enough to remind her of a near death experience or two. First with the stalker and then from there the enemy. It was so much for a girl to take in, and all you do is harass her into remembering things best forgotten. She is trying to move on from all of the pain and you just keep going on about your dead girlfriend. You selfishly think only of yourself and don’t bother to wonder how she is feeling. Why would I leave you alone with her?”

  “Phillip, its fine.”

  He turned to look at me.

  “You sure?”

  I nodded and we let our hands fall apart. He took off his watch and handed it to me. Its twin was hidden among his clothing.

  “Push this button if you need me and I’ll be here in less than a minute, fully armed and ready to kill him, if that’s what it will take.”

  I smiled and put the watch on. “I think I can take care of myself.”

  “Yes, but you are too nice to kill him.”

  He turned to look at Nick.

  “I'm not too nice.”

  “Hint taken, French man.”

  Phillip nodded and kissed my cheek. I
kissed his in return and he snuck inside. I sighed and turned to face Nick again. I walked over to the bench and sat down, putting Phillip’s watch on. Nick followed me over but didn’t sit. I waited for the lecture to start.

  “He’s right. I have harassed you and brought up bad memories that you should be allowed to forget. I was so stuck on my wanting you to be Celeste that I didn’t think about the effect it would have on you. I’m sorry for anything bad I have caused. Celeste, she would slap me and say I was being rude and insensitive, and that I’m better than that. It’s just that sometimes I wish so badly that she was still alive that I don’t think, I just feel.”

  He sat down on the opposite side of the bench, as far from me as he could. Either he took Phillip seriously, which I have no doubt Phillip was serious, or he was trying really hard not to pressure me. He was afraid I’d break. He had pushed me pretty far, but not that far. I was just tired and wishing life could throw me a break. If anything, I would slap him. I didn’t break myself, I broke others.

  “Don’t worry about it.” I sighed. “I can't imagine loving someone that much. I envy you. My whole life was a horrible lie, well not a lie, but no one I knew was honest with me. And Jane, well she is honest with me, but at a price. She always wants something from me.” He looked at me. I could see the pity in his eyes. “Don’t pity me. I like my life. People used to push me around and I was never able to stand up for myself. Now no one pushes me around, and I have been enlightened.”

  “How so?”

  “I know that happiness is a façade. A fake. I know that being happy is just denial about the bad things in life, a way to ignore them. I face my problems head on and deal with whatever comes my way. I am content with my life now.”

  “I feel sorry for you. Do you never feel happy?”

  I smiled. “Actually, I do. When I’m flying. I love the feel of the jet pushing me farther and farther into space. The freedom of moving through the air that fast. No one can stop you or tell you what to do. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.”

  He stared at me. I looked down. Sometimes I let go too quickly when I thought of flying. It was the only time I could truly be me and so I get almost giddy with the thought of it.

  “It sounds like you really love it.”

  “I always wanted to see space. Ever since I was a little girl. I loved the constellations. I wanted to be an astrologist.” I laughed. “And now I’m a soldier. It’s funny how things work out. I never expected to be here. Five years ago if you asked me what I was going to be I would have said a million things. But a soldier wouldn’t have been one of them. But here I am. Ready to die for my country, or worlds, I should say. Have they agreed upon the proper terminology for that yet?”

  He just stared at me. Then he shook his head and snapped out of whatever space he had floated into.

  “No I don’t think they have. All this political mumbo jumbo about people not born on Earth, not being considered from Earth, and all that. The colonies' not having real names doesn't help any.”

  I nodded. I hear that.

  “Helen. I’m afraid we have all been caught. You must come in. I think I can sneak you in and take the heap, if this boy here will help.”

  Phillip came bursting out the doors quickly, but quietly as well. He was looking around, all paranoid.

  “Ok. But it’s fine, really. I’m not afraid of the teachers here.”

  He looked at me.

  “Do you remember what Jane will do to you if you get in trouble again? Remember the last time you disobeyed a direct order from her? I believe you were basically grounded for a month. You just got here. No need to be expelled this soon. She will kill you, and your idea of making four-star general in the next two years or so will be out the window. You cannot have more heaped on you if you are going to succeed. Besides, I hear they are going through your things as we speak. They think you assassinated the principal. His son testified against you.”

  I fumed. Now I knew why he looked paranoid.

  “Dammit. The one time I don’t do anything and I get blamed.” I turned to Nick. “You have to help. My record is perfect other than the hitting Jane’s sister thing, which I have been cleared of any responsibility of. I didn’t kill him, I swear. If I get blamed for this my life is going to be worse than hell. Please.”

  I don’t know if he felt guilty or if he couldn't resist a plea from someone who looked like his lost love. Either way, he nodded and I hugged him, so grateful that I wouldn’t be black marked.

  “Thank you so much. And you too Phillip. Your handler is going to be pissed.”

  I hugged him as well. He shrugged.

  “I’ll find a way to use it to my advantage.”

  Nick spoke up.

  “Hide behind the bushes. When we have them distracted, sneak inside.”

  He turned to Phillip.

  “Follow my lead.”

  Phillip looked shocked as I snuck behind the bushes. The second I was out of sight the door burst open and the boys started to argue. At first I didn’t get it. Then I realized they argued about me. I shook my head in disbelief. Boys. They argued about who had the right to date me and who would take me to the dance and so on. The teachers were so busy trying to keep them from coming to blows that I was able to sneak back in. The door closed silently behind me.

  Chapter Five (Helen)

  Moments later the door opened and the boys walked in, followed by two teachers. Another walked in a few seconds after. I tried to talk to the boys but they were hustled away. A few minutes later two more teachers came in. The woman came over to me and the other went to the dance instructor. I tried to hear what he was whispering but the woman grabbed my arm. I looked at her. I heard Phillip yell something about her getting her hands off me.

  “Helen, please come with me.”

  Like she needed to say please with a grip like that on my arm.

  “I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re what rank?” I looked at her uniform. “A captain. And I am a general. If you don’t want some trouble for assaulting a superior you’ll get your hands off me. Now.”

  She did let go and we walked calmly towards an office where the boys sat with the two teachers who had accompanied them.

  “Please, sit down, General.”

  I wasn't sure I wanted this to turn into a rank and power struggle, but I had started it, so I just nodded and sat.

  “Now, despite you being a general, you are our student and with that comes some rules. Like respect. It seems to be one you have a hard time learning.”

  “I’m sorry Captain, but are you lecturing me about respect when you have repeatedly in the last five minutes insulted and harassed me? If I remember right, the military teaches you in basic that respect to your superiors is all-important and yet you grabbed me. So, before you begin my lecture, you should think about the write up I could give you. And my respect is earned, not given freely. If you prove to me you can be mature about the fact that I am younger and higher ranking, and treat me with the respect you desire for yourself, then I will in fact respect you more and it will show. Now please continue with the real reason I am here.”

  The three looked at each other. Of them all, the Captain was the highest rank, other than me. So they would take her lead. I had already put her in her place. It undermined their authority and ability to punish me. I might even be able to lessen the boys’ punishment. It might be pushing it but we would see after all this was done.

  “Well, as you probably have heard, we have been conducting a search of your room. We have found many things that are against the rules to have.”

  “I believe if you read the contract my handler made up, you would see that being a general gives me some leeway. And what is not authorized to me as a general is as a private entry. My job with my handler means I need my equipment with me at all times. She signed something saying she would be held responsible if I used it for something other than what she tells me to, or to practice with. I have not misused any of it. I
n fact, I haven’t had to touch any of it since arriving. Is that all we have to discuss?”

  “No, actually, it isn't.”

  I nodded for her to continue. She looked to the man across from her. He was sitting next to Phillip. He began to speak and I knew this was going to be harder to get out of than I had originally thought.

  “These young men were caught outside fighting over you. Skipping dance class to fight over who would be your date to the party. We cannot do anything about you charming the privateer here, but this other one,” he pointed to Nick, “we can't have you using your influence as a general to get to him. You can't promise a promotion to get anyone's affections. It is against the rules of the military for you to use rank to force someone to…”

  I stood up in anger. I was being accused of misusing my status, and in the worst way possible. “Force? I never forced anyone to…”

  He held up his hand to silence me.

  “With all due respect general, there is no other reason that he should be interested in you. You two aren't in the same dorm and I know you don’t sit together in any class or at lunch. And you don’t have any of the same friends. You are using the fact that you look his dead girlfriend to get to him.”

  Before I could say anything, I was frozen in anger and shock, Nick jumped to my defense.

  “Beg your pardon sir, but she has never done anything like that. If anything, I have pressured her into saying she is Celeste, but she has always been honest and said she couldn't be her, no matter how much I wanted her to be. You can't put this on her. It was our fault. She was inside; she had nothing to do with it.

  “Before Phillip enrolled I was trying to get her to date me and I thought she was about to give in, and then he enrolled and they were old friends. I felt the competition, so him and I argued. We didn’t come to blows and she didn’t pit us against each other. In fact, she has turned us both down. As far as I know, as long as we don’t come to blows, which we didn’t, we didn’t break any rules. Except for skipping class, we didn’t do anything wrong, and unless you know something you haven’t said, she hasn’t done anything at all wrong. So give us our punishment and let us return to class. Sir.”