No Life, Only Death

by Francheska Fifield

  “That seems stupid.”

  “To you. But Nick, you were going to marry your childhood sweetheart. I mean come on, your opinion is a bit distorted, don’t you think?”

  “That’s not the point!”

  I stopped doing the ‘yeah I’m right’ head and hand gestures, waiting for him to speak. Maybe I should say ‘speak’ and see if he did. After all, they don’t call you dogs of the military for no reason at all. I tried to keep my face neutral as I pictured saying ‘speak’ and everyone in here from the school starting to bark. I managed to look annoyed, from him yelling at me, yeah, like he could actually annoy me by yelling. Please.

  I saw Helen and she quietly came over, surprising Nick. It was obvious when he jumped after she approached. She looked slightly offended at the way he looked at her, he seemed shocked and embarrassed. What the hell did he have to be embarrassed about?

  “Phillip, are you harassing Nick? I told you to leave him alone.”

  “Dear, I wasn't doing anything but clarifying that you are madly in love with him.”

  Her face turned red. She looked embarrassed but when she looked at me I knew she was annoyed at me. I smiled; she turned and fled back into the store, saying nothing more than ‘oh’. Nick looked at her retreating figure and ran after her. I shook my head. Good, I deserved an Emmy for this. I turned back to find Missy. Those two were on their own now.

  (Helen)

  “Helen, wait a second.”

  I stopped sprinting through the store and slowed to a snail pace walk.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Would you have believed me? Don’t just say yes, because you wouldn’t have. You and I know both know it. Besides, I’m not really used to feeling like this. I kind of wanted to know how you felt before making a fool out of myself. Which is exactly what I did, and I’m sure Phillip helped it along. Ass.”

  He nodded, understanding that I was calling Phillip an ass and not him.

  “Besides, I was pretty sure the only thing you liked about me was that I looked like Celeste. I don’t really want to date someone who looks at me and sees their dead girlfriend.”

  “Phillip said something about that.”

  I harrumphed and pretended annoyance. Well, at least he did something.

  “So, what do we do now?”

  He shrugged. That told me he himself wasn't sure if he liked me or liked my similarities to Celeste. Great, that would make this harder. He was too noble to just date me. Uhhh. When did my life get so complicated? Why did I have to suffer for Jane’s mistake of not adding more security to my file?

  Thinking about that made me wonder how Bill had gotten the information. He was a good hacker. I had seen his file and talked to some of my informants about him. He was good, but not good enough to crack our security. Which meant he had gotten help. Great, I’d have to tell Jane and Phillip. Jane would be pissed.

  I looked over at Nick. He said nothing and I wondered if he was thinking about Celeste or me. Oh, whom am I kidding? We are one and the same! My life was so screwed up. I almost wanted to tell him just to get it over with and make my life easier. But Jane would kill me and I doubt he could take it without making a scene, thus letting everyone else know.

  He looked way too serious. Way too in thought. He almost ran into a post; I grabbed him and pulled him out of the way. He didn’t even acknowledge it. Either he was very deep in thought or he was doing a damn good job of ignoring me. I figured it was the first, but shouldn’t he at least be aware of his surroundings? This was not safe. I stopped walking and he did too. Okay, so he was at least a bit aware. Letting me pull him out of the way of the post showed he trusted me.

  Yeah, trusts me to watch his back. That doesn't exactly count since everyone knows what kind of soldier I am.

  I told the voice in my head to shut up because it wasn't helping any, and much to my surprise, it did. I sighed and wondered what to do now. How do you make a guy like you? Missy would strip and sex him up most likely, but I didn’t think that approach would work so well with me; I don’t have the figure she does.

  I wanted to say something, anything, but was afraid to. I had never done this before. I didn’t want to sound stupid. But, I guess you say stupid things while in love. So maybe I should say something stupid. Maybe it would be way more believable if I did. I started walking again. Maybe I should just stop stressing. Anyone listening to my thoughts would think I really did like him. Hell, they would think I still loved him.

  I stopped walking and stood absolutely still. I ran that last sentence through my head. Still. Not all over again, but still. Like I had never stopped.

  “Helen?”

  I looked up and saw the question in his eyes. I looked around and saw Phillip with Missy, frowning over at me. I shook my head, turned and ran out of the store. The chaperon yelled for me to come back. I ducked into an alley and hid behind a garbage can. I shook my head. I couldn't still be in love. I had let that go after my rape.

  When he left I had been so angry, but I had admitted to myself that the reason I was so mad was because I loved him so much and I didn’t want to be separated. Then, when the attack came, I was scared. I wished for him to be there to protect me. After the rape, when Jane found me and gave me my ultimatum, I promised I would let go of him and my feelings. So I had. I had pushed them away at first, blaming my rape on his abandonment of me, then forgiving him and deciding he had no place in my new life. I had let go of everything I felt for him. Hadn’t I? Or had I just buried it so deep I hadn’t realized it was still there?

  Did I feel weird because I still loved him? Or did I really just hate this prissy girl thing? Okay, well I do hate the girly act, but could it be more? Could I be pushing and pulling at him? Isn't that what I had been doing since I arrived? I had said I wasn't Celeste and yet I had put little effort into getting him to stay away from me. I had gone on a date with him. I had told him something of what I had gone through while a pilot. I had sought him out like a tongue seeks a sore tooth.

  Did I miss my old life? Of course. Who would rather be an assassin rather than spend their life with the one they loved? No one. Well, no one that I knew. Even Phillip would rather have his sister back than this life. But you couldn't change the past. Okay, the key word in all this was loved. I had loved him. I had put my faith and trust in him only to have it yanked away, forcing me into a life that I didn’t choose.

  But I was good at this life. I liked my life. I chose what I do and when. Yes, sometimes I have to compromise, but no life is perfect. I make good money. I have a high rank. I won't have to see battle anymore if I don’t want to, since generals hardly see battle. I was being given my chance for revenge on those who put me in the position to have to choose life over love and death.

  I shook my head and laughed at myself. I had already chosen. All those years ago. I had already chosen. I could have died as his bride to be. Died and stayed in his loving memory forever. But I had chosen life. Love had failed me and I chose to live. I had chosen to live and be my own person, not a part of someone else.

  I smiled. I was not in love. I was missing the simplicity of a past life. A life I didn’t belong to anymore. It wasn't my life anymore. I was reacting to his missing our old life together. I was fine. Of course I wished things could have turned out differently. But love and regret aren't the same. There was no reason to get all worked up and confuse the two.

  I stood and walked back towards the store. The chaperon – who was outside, yelling for me - gave me a stern lecture, through which I stood, kept a straight face, made the appropriate comments and then walked back into the store. Phillip caught my eye and I smiled at him. I inclined my head and he got the message. He smiled. I was fine. My breakdown was over and I was in control of the situation again.

  “All right, enough of this girl shit. I’m doing this my way,” I muttered to myself as I walked over to where Nick stood. I grabbed his arm and pulled him to a corner. He stumbled along, asking what was wrong. I g
rabbed his head and kissed him.

  He was shocked at first but then he cupped the back of my head and kissed me back. Okay, results. He had to like me at least a little bit. I broke the kiss before it got to out of hand, like roaming hands, and looked up at him.

  “Okay, I may be a psycho who looks like your dead girlfriend and doesn't really know what she wants, but I do know I like you and I think you like me. Otherwise you wouldn’t harass me so much”, I smiled and tried to keep the nerve to do this. “So, if you figure out before we leave Paris that you do, and then let me know because I would really like to be your date to the dance.”

  I turned, walking away, while some guys that had been watching and listening were whooping for Nick. I smiled; waved at them and walked to the counter, holding a CD I wanted. I bought it and went to sit in the lounge to await the rest of the class. I had made my move. It was his move now.

  I smiled, thinking about how he was probably dying of shock now. I reminded myself to tell Phillip how it hadn’t taken saying I would have his baby to shock Nick. I laughed to myself and sat back, relieved that I had figured this all out.

  (Nick)

  She went to the counter and then to the lounge. I ignored the whooping and hollering; guys were so immature sometimes. But I couldn't ignore what she had done. I sighed. She had tasted so good. I hadn’t been kissed since Celeste but I knew that even if I had, it wouldn’t have altered my opinion. She was a good kisser, like she did it often. Yet I knew she didn’t go around kissing guys.

  She said only one night stands were allowed. Well, Phillip had said that’s the rule her handler set. It was probably true. If so, why would she risk Jane’s anger for me? She would not have kissed me and told me she liked me if she wasn't serious.

  I sighed, confused, and my mind flashed back to the feel of her lips pressed against mine. They had fit. Like they were made for each other. I had felt that with Celeste as well. She was made up just like Celeste, so it would make sense that we would fit perfectly together. But that wasn't a reason to date her. I wouldn’t date her because she reminded me of Celeste.

  Truth be told, she did though. She was so different but I sensed that buried deep in her was a different person. If she had been able to choose her life I believe she would have chosen differently. She was content, but I doubted happy. I don’t think this was the plan she had when she would think of life as a young girl. She had said she wanted to be an astrologer. Celeste had wanted to be everything. She had loved the world and everything about it. But Helen wasn't Celeste. I needed to decide if I was going to love a memory forever or put the past behind me and move on.

  I wasn't happy. I don’t think I even knew what happiness was since Celeste died. I had felt too guilty to allow myself to be happy. I had accepted life but I wasn't happy. I smiled. Maybe we could help each other with that. It could be that she had been placed in school for a reason. After all, she didn’t need to be here. Maybe the reason was fate or destiny, or maybe some god saw us being miserable and brought us together. We were attracted to each other, obviously, and we might be just what the other needs.

  I realized I did like her. She was strong, independent, harsh - but fair - and had sense of humor, once you got past her guard. I smiled. She was pushy enough to be just what I needed and I was smart enough to see that she needed someone who cared about her for something other than her talents. I had grown kind of fond of her. Maybe I would take her to the dance and we could go from there.

  “You look deep in thought for someone who just got kissed by a good-looking girl.”

  I snapped my head up to see Phillip frowning. “How often did she take Jane up on those one night stands you mentioned?”

  “Is my answer going to affect your decision?”

  I thought about it honestly. No, it wouldn’t. She led a sheltered life. Well, not sheltered, but lonely and distant. If she had decided once in a while that she wanted to pretend she had love for just a moment in time, I wouldn’t hold it against her. “No.”

  “Then never. She never once has had sex in the entire time I have known her. I think she has been through too much to give her trust to a stranger that she would only see for an hour.”

  “If I had said it would make a difference, would you have lied to me?”

  Phillip shook his head and looked me straight in the eye.

  “Yes, because I know what her life will be like after Jane finds out. Because if she gets too attached when it’s time to leave it will break her heart. She has had enough happen to her without adding heartbreak to the list. She has faced death, a stalker. More than you know about, more than she will ever be able to tell you. She can't be entirely honest with you and if she comes to love you it will hang overhead, making her feel guilty. It will distract her and she will end up dead. I don’t want her to die for love.”

  I thought about what he said. I wondered if Celeste had thought love was worth dying for. Her love for me had gotten her in the situation that had killed her. I believed it was.

  “It is her decision. Besides, there are things about me she’ll have to overlook as well. She and I are much alike. She flew to an enemy ship to avenge her friends that died. The first chance I get I’m doing the same thing to avenge Celeste. I’m going to love and remember her as long as I live, but that doesn't mean that Helen and I can't find some kind of happiness with each other.”

  “You are deluding yourself.”

  (Phillip)

  I turned and walked away. He didn’t even care about Helen. He was still stuck on Celeste. That’s what pissed me off so much, wasn't it? He had every right to pursue Helen because she was Celeste and he had a prior claim. But he had given that up when he had abandoned her, and now, all of a sudden, he wanted it back. She wasn't the same and he only cared about her because of the similarities.

  Missy came up to me and started her inane chatter. I brushed her off and moved into the lounge where Helen sat. I sat next to her and looked at her. She waited, knowing I was the one who was losing control now. I sighed. I was getting worked up over nothing. This was a game. A game to keep her identity private. It didn’t mean anything more than that.

  I looked her in the eyes and she saw the question in them. She saw the pain and she knew. She smiled and took my hand. Squeezing, silently offering her comfort and support. I took my comfort from it, knowing she had to do this and knowing I would continue to help her; all we had was each other, she needed me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. When I opened them, she was smiling at me still and I smiled back. I did feel better. Sometimes you just needed that human contact to remind you of why this job was tolerable.

  “I, myself, have thought about shooting up the store and killing all these annoying people.”

  I smiled. She always knew just what to say.

  “Have you always been this insightful?”

  “Of course not. But suffering breeds compassion, haven’t you heard?”

  “Yeah, and that’s why we became bounty hunter assassins.”

  She laughed and I felt right again.

  “Well, no one’s perfect, you know.”

  I smiled. Now this I could work with.

  “You know I am so don’t say that. The cosmos will have to realign or something. I’m good looking, a great shot and entirely invincible.”

  She snorted.

  “Don’t forget incredibly modest, Phillip. I mean that’s your best virtue.”

  I laughed. She always knew.

  “I have some information for you.”

  “Anything good?”

  She raised an eyebrow. I think she was hoping for good. I looked around, we were the only ones in the lounge.

  “Of course.” I paused for a second and tried to think of how to say this. Eh, spit it out, I guess. “He still loves Celeste. It’s drawing him to you. So, when this is over you can use that to break it off.”

  She sighed in relief and looked like it was the best news she had heard all day. I frowned, wondering what else she
could have heard.

  “What other news have you got?”

  “Nothing. Well, I didn’t get any news, I figured something out.”

  I nodded for her to continue.

  “Earlier I had a conversation with Bill. The one with my files. I figured out he didn’t stumble across the info on his own. Someone was helping him. They weren’t good enough to crack the printing restrictions, but I’ve seen Bill’s file and he isn't even good enough to get the information on his own. So, I have a problem.”

  “Jane is going to be pissed.”

  She sighed.

  “Yeah, that’s was my first thought as well.”

  I nodded. Jane could be scary when she wanted to be. Anyone in his or her right mind would think about her state of being first. Happy is good, pissed is very bad. For everyone’s health.

  “I have a plan though.”

  “Oh, good. What is it?”

  “When I ask Jane to set up a mission where I work with others, I’m choosing him, and I’m going to let him choose the other person. I’m hoping he will choose the other guy with the truth about me so that they can gang up on me. Then I can kill two birds with one stone.”

  “What if he doesn't?”

  She shrugged. In all likelihood, he would. He would be smart enough to know he couldn't deal with her on his own. But there was always that chance.

  “Well, then I will have to be more discreet in dealing with him.”

  I nodded. We would find the other guy. It couldn't be too hard. Not many could crack Jane’s security.

  We both looked up as someone entered the lounge. I let go of her hand when I saw it was Nick. He might not want to date someone who was touchy feely with another guy. Not that it was what he was thinking. My life was not that lucky.

  “Am I interrupting?”

  “Not at all. I was just comforting our little Helen. She seems to think she made a fool of herself. I told her she could kiss me and I wouldn’t think her foolish in the least.”