Off the Record (An Avery Shaw Mystery Book 10)

by Amanda M. Lee

  Duncan narrowed his eyes to glittering brown slits, his body language promising mayhem. “I wouldn’t push me if I were you.”

  “You’re not me and I’ve legitimately missed you this week. Eliot is fun but he doesn’t do that head-spinning thing you do when I open my mouth. It’s not nearly as enjoyable when I like the person I’m spending time with.”

  “So you didn’t have fun?” Fish asked. “I kind of wondered when you announced you were going camping. You’re more of a city girl.”

  “I had fun,” I countered. “I was fine in the woods.”

  Fish didn’t look convinced. “At least you weren’t eaten by bears, right?”

  I made a face. “I was more worried about skunks.”

  “Yes, you are the one person in the world who would attract mutant skunks while camping,” Fish muttered, hitting a few buttons as he scoured his email. “Is Eliot still alive? I’d think spending that much alone time with you might send a sane man running for the hills.”

  “What hills?”

  “It’s an expression.”

  “It’s a stupid one.”

  “I’m not debating that fact.” Fish’s eyes were probing when they locked with mine. “Did you really have fun? I thought you’d be miserable. I was still excited you were going, don’t get me wrong, but I thought for sure you’d figure out a way to cut the trip short.”

  “I’ll have you know that I was nothing but delightful during our trip,” I countered. “We had a great time.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Well … we went kayaking.”

  “Did you like it?”

  “I got blisters on my hands because I held the paddle backward,” I admitted. “It was kind of fun, though. We also ate a nice dinner every night, and Eliot bribed me with s’mores.”

  “S’mores are so sophisticated,” Fish sneered. “What else?”

  “Eliot went fishing and hiking.”

  “What did you do while he was fishing and hiking?”

  “Wondered if I could bribe the dudes in bear suits at the next-door campground to hide in the bushes and scare people away from our part of the lake,” I admitted. “I don’t think I’m a very good camper.”

  “You’re not a very good person either,” Duncan sniped.

  “Says the guy who scared away a green card trophy wife.”

  “That is not true!” Duncan was close to exploding, which forced Fish to raise his hand in an attempt to ward off a potential fight.

  “Don’t even think about it,” Fish warned, pointing. “Go back to your desk.”

  “This place was much better without her,” Duncan groused. “She’s been back only five minutes and I already feel as if I have a brain tumor.”

  “It’s better than the chlamydia everyone else believes you have,” I offered. “We thought the mental illness was caused because you forgot your dose of penicillin. Who knew the real culprit was a brain tumor? Is that why your wife left you?”

  “All right … separate to neutral corners.” Fish shot Duncan a warning look, wagging a finger when Duncan opened his mouth to say something that I was sure would’ve caused the human resources representative he loved so much to blush. “Go to your desk.”

  Duncan cast one more challenging look in my direction before stomping off. I watched him go for a moment, amused, and then returned my attention to Fish. He looked furious.

  “Geez. What’s his problem?” I asked, feigning innocence.

  “Do you have any idea how quiet it was here without you?” Fish asked.

  “I’m guessing the words ‘morgue,’ ‘tomb’ and ‘depressing’ are about to come out of your mouth.”

  “Not hardly.”

  Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “I expected more. I understand that you’re holding back so no one else knows that I’m your favorite, but you don’t have to lay it on so thick.”

  “And I’m done,” Fish muttered, flopping back in his chair so it loudly squeaked and crossing his arms over his chest. “Go to your desk and answer some emails or something. You’ve been gone for a week. I’m sure you can find something to do.”

  “I did that from home last night,” I admitted. “I need a story assignment.”

  “You did it from home?” Fish was incredulous. “Why would you do something like that from home?”

  “Because I was supposed to be packing and I wanted to distract myself when Eliot wasn’t looking.”

  “I have no idea why that man puts up with you.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  Fish exhaled heavily. I could see his mind working as he ran his tongue over his lips. Finally he fixed me with a bright smile … which promptly turned my blood to ice. He was about to force me to do something I didn’t want to do. I should’ve quit while I was ahead. I never see the line before I cross it. “You know what? I’m sure I can find something to keep me busy.”

  “Oh, no.” Fish shook his head, grim. “You wanted something to do and I’ve got something for you. I wasn’t planning on springing it on you until this afternoon – mostly because I didn’t want to hear the nonstop whining – but if it gets you out of the office before that, I’m willing to give you an early heads-up.”

  “Oh, yeah? What?” I was fairly certain I didn’t want to hear the answer.

  “It’s the Mount Clemens Festival of Lights this week,” Fish said, choosing his words carefully. “The Monitor is the official media sponsor. That means … .”

  I knew exactly what that meant and there was no way I was going to let Fish pawn off festival duty on me. “That means that you need a week’s worth of fluff pieces on the festival, stuff about how everyone is having a family friendly time and crime is nonexistent but, hey look, there’s a craft show so spend your money.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Well, I’m not doing it.”

  “You are doing it,” Fish countered. “We need a dedicated reporter for the event, and because you were off we decided it would be you.”

  “Who is this we you speak of?”

  “The entire newsroom.”

  I had to be on a hidden reality television show. There could be no other explanation. “And you decided you’d give me the world’s crappiest assignment when I wasn’t here to defend myself?”

  “Actually, we took a vote.”

  I fought the urge to yank one of the remaining hairs from his head. “And who voted against me?”

  “I think it would be easier to list who didn’t vote against you. That would be Marvin and … well, Marvin.”

  Oh, well, the backstabbing was complete. I would make each and every single one of my prima donna coworkers pay. “Just Marvin, huh?”

  “Yup.” Fish looked worried. “Are you going to give me crap about covering the festival?”

  “I’m going to give everyone crap about covering the festival.”

  “Are we talking about a little crap or a lot of crap?”

  “You know that big bag of dog crap you throw on your enemy’s porch and light on fire before fleeing?”

  “Not really, but go on.” Fish’s tone was dry.

  “That’ll be all of you when I’m done,” I snapped. “You’ll be the bag of crap and I’ll be the match.”

  “I can’t wait.” Fish’s smile was grating, and I was fairly certain he was aware of that fact. “Did I mention how happy I am to have you back?”

  “No, but you’ll be wishing I was gone again before the day is out.”

  “Don’t kid yourself,” Fish drawled. “I’m already there.”

  He wasn’t the only one.

  6

  Six

  I plotted my revenge as I made my way to downtown Mount Clemens. Duncan was so smug when he caught wind that I was upset about my assignment that I either had to leave right away or disembowel him. I thought the latter would probably be frowned upon when human resources inevitably heard the whispers about his demise.

  I called my best friend Carly to arrange a lunch date
before heading to town. I was early, so I swung by Eliot’s pawnshop. I figured he would give me a sympathetic shoulder to cry on … or at least offer me a cookie or something to soothe my frazzled nerves.

  He looked up from behind the counter, surprise registering, and smiled when he saw me shuffle in. “There’s my favorite girl.”

  “I’m in a mood.”

  Eliot’s smile didn’t falter. “You’re always in a mood. Why today?”

  I told him about my conversation with Fish – and my confrontation with Duncan – and when I was done, Eliot guffawed loudly. That wasn’t what I expected … or wanted. “It’s not funny.”

  “It’s a little funny,” Eliot countered. “You thought you were going to find yourself in the middle of a big story and instead you’re covering the festival. That has to be your version of Hell.”

  “My version of Hell involves being trapped in a room with no doors,” I shot back. “I’m surrounded by some of the worst pop culture characters ever. We’re talking Jar Jar Binks, the Kardashians, Screech from Saved by the Bell, Urkel, Donna from Beverly Hills, 90210 and Kimmy Gibler here.”

  Eliot’s expression was unreadable. “Who is Kimmy Gibler?”

  “The annoying best friend from Full House.”

  “You watch Full House?”

  “It was a whimsical show from my childhood and it had a lot of redeeming qualities. Also, Uncle Jesse was hot.”

  “Have mercy,” Eliot teased, his eyes flashing. “Is that really your version of Hell?”

  “There’s no chocolate or crab legs either.”

  “Ah, well, at least you’re consistent.” Eliot flipped shut the ledger book he was looking through and reached under the counter, returning with a Snickers and a smile. “What will you give me for this chocolate bar? I’m literally saving you from Hell, after all.”

  I frowned. “I don’t want your chocolate bar. I’m having lunch with Carly down the street before checking out the festival. I don’t need your stupid chocolate.”

  “Oh, well … .” Eliot rummaged beneath the counter, returning with an Almond Joy, causing my stomach to twist. “What about this one?”

  Almond Joys are my favorite. Yes, I’m multi-faceted weird. I love dipping pickles in tomato juice as a snack. Sue me. “Where did you get that?”

  Eliot feigned innocence. “The candy bar fairy.”

  “Gimme.” I reached out to snag the candy bar but he snatched it away before I could.

  “I need a reward if I’m expected to give you this yummy candy bar.”

  I fought the urge to roll my eyes … and lost. “We both know you bought that for me,” I challenged. “You don’t like Almond Joys.”

  “I like Snickers,” Eliot conceded. “I bought several candy bars today. I was planning on holding onto them until tonight – in case I had to bribe you to pack – but you look as if you could use one now.”

  He wasn’t wrong. Still, that Almond Joy had strings attached. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with strings. “Shouldn’t you be making me feel better? I mean … I’ve had a terrible day. A good boyfriend would give me that candy bar and a massage while telling me my boss is an idiot and Duncan is one mutant disease away from becoming fodder in the zombie apocalypse.”

  “You’re obsessed with the zombie apocalypse,” Eliot pointed out. “Just out of curiosity, why do you think Duncan would die first?”

  “You’ve met him.”

  Eliot tilted his head, considering. “You’ve got a point. Still, I want a reward for this candy bar. I don’t make the relationship rules, but I do follow them. One good candy bar turn deserves another.”

  “Fine.” I blew out a sigh and reached for the button on my cargo pants. “You have to do all of the work, though.”

  Eliot’s eyes widened when he realized what I was doing and he practically leaped over the counter to stop me. His hand gripped my wrist before I could finish my task and his cheeks flushed with exertion – and maybe a bit of excitement – when he stilled me. “What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  “Rewarding you.”

  “I meant a kiss.”

  “Oh, well … .” I rolled up to the balls of my feet and planted a kiss on his cheek, snagging the Almond Joy while he was distracted. “This worked out better than I anticipated.”

  I’d already unwrapped the candy bar before Eliot realized what I was doing. “You suck,” he said after a beat. “You totally did that on purpose.”

  “I got your heart racing, though, didn’t I?”

  Eliot smirked. “I can’t argue with that.” Eliot hoisted himself up on the counter and opened his Snickers, taking a big bite as he looked me up and down. “Are you going to cover the festival or find a way out of it?”

  I shrugged as I stepped between his legs and munched on my Almond Joy. “Today I am. I haven’t ruled out ending the world tomorrow to get my way, though.”

  “And we’re back to the zombie apocalypse.”

  “I was going to introduce the French bug virus to the newsroom.”

  “And put yourself at risk?”

  “I’ve decided I’m immune.”

  “Ah, well, as long as you have a plan.” Eliot idly ran his fingers up and down the back of my neck as he finished his treat. “Are you excited to see Carly? It’s been almost two weeks since you hung out, right?”

  “Between the move and her pregnancy we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together.” I balled up my empty wrapper and handed it to Eliot so he could dispose of it behind the counter. “I feel like our lives are changing and I can’t quite keep up.”

  Eliot tilted my chin so I had no choice but to look at him. “Lives change but that doesn’t mean friendships end. Are you worried about your friendship suffering? I know how important she is to you. If you’re worried, I’m sure we can figure out a way for you two to spend more time together.”

  “She’s one of the few people who can put up with me no matter what I do or say.”

  “I think that list is a lot longer than you want to admit, but I understand why you’re concerned.” Eliot cupped the back of my head. “Tell me what you’re worried about. Is it moving? We’re actually moving closer to her house so I don’t see why that would be a worry.”

  “It’s not the move. She’s excited about the move.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “It’s the baby.” There. I said it. I was annoyed by the fact that my best friend was having a baby. Most women would be too insecure to admit their shortcomings, but I’m not most women. I hate kids – all of them – and the idea that Carly was bringing a baby into our close-knit circle of friends was beyond annoying … and maybe a little frightening.

  “What’s wrong with the baby?”

  “He’s probably going to be evil.”

  “How do you know it’s a he?”

  I shrugged. “All right, she could be evil, too.”

  Eliot grinned. “Avery, a baby isn’t going to ruin anything. It’ll change your world – there’s no getting around that – but you won’t be forced to adjust your life to take care of the baby. That’s Carly’s job.”

  “Yes, but what happens if I feel the need to vandalize someone’s home in the middle of the night?”

  “Then you should wear all black and bring a pacifier to keep the baby quiet.”

  “I already know that.” I poked his stomach, eliciting a grin. “She can’t take off in the middle of the night when she has a baby, though. A pacifier will work for only a few minutes. The cops frown upon using a minor in the commission of a misdemeanor. She could be arrested for child endangerment. I think I’d shoulder the risk, but something tells me Carly will feel differently.”

  “You’ll figure it out.”

  “Will I?”

  Eliot nodded. “You always do. Besides, even if Carly can’t go on a vandalizing spree with you, Lexie is always game. She’s not having a kid in the foreseeable future.”

  Lexie was my closest female cousin. She owned
a yoga studio in Roseville – not far from my current house – and she was often game for mayhem and mischief. “Still, it’s not the same.”

  “Life changes, Avery. People move on and adopt different lifestyles. That doesn’t mean the new reality will be worse. It just means the new reality will be different.”

  “You know how I feel about change.”

  “Yes, I’ve been hearing about the removal of two items from the McDonald’s breakfast menu for months. I definitely know how you feel about change.”

  “That bagel sandwich was the best thing ever, and they ruined my eating experience!”

  “That bagel sandwich was covered in so much cheese I’m surprised you didn’t have a heart attack on the spot each time you ate one.”

  “Oh, you’re no fun.”

  “I just want you to live a long life.” Eliot rubbed his cheek against mine. “Everything will work out. Carly will have the baby, and life will go on. We’re moving into a new house and life will go on. We’re supposed to grow and change. It’s called maturity.”

  “I think maturity is highly overrated.”

  Eliot snorted. “You would. I still think you’ll be okay. Speaking of that, here comes Carly.” He inclined his chin toward the front door. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw my best friend stroll through. She was dressed in a simple peasant blouse and Bermuda shorts, but her stomach poked out over the edge of the waistband, reminding me of the bloat associated with a five-day bender. She probably didn’t want to hear that.

  “You look great,” I announced.

  “You’re glowing,” Eliot added, bobbing his head.

  “Oh, don’t start,” Carly snapped, her brownish hair pulled back in a ponytail. “This pregnancy is the worst thing that ever happened to me!”

  “Oh, thank the Force,” I muttered, earning an ear flick from Eliot. “I mean … whatever is wrong?”

  Carly rolled her eyes. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Did you really ask me that?”

  I shrank back against Eliot. “Not if it means I’m in trouble.”

  “Look at me.” Carly strode across the store, planting herself in front of us and resting her hands on her hips. “I look like a cow.”