Unresolved Issues

by Wanda B. Campbell

  “You may be big, but this bat is the equalizer! Slam my door again and I’ll knock you farther than a Barry Bonds’s homerun!”

  Derrick didn’t know she owned a bat. All he could say was, “I’m sorry.”

  Staci had just returned from the bathroom where she had showered and changed into a nightshirt when Derrick entered the room. Immediately, she used her arms to cover herself.

  Derrick smiled his admiration of her body through the transparent sheerness of the material.

  “Did Keisha’s flight leave on time?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “How is she?” Staci wanted to divert his attention away from her. She sensed Derrick wanted to finish what he’d started earlier in the downstairs bathroom, but Staci wasn’t having it. She went into the bathroom and returned wearing a robe.

  “It may take awhile, but she’ll be fine,” Derrick answered and sat down in the chair adjacent to the bed.

  Staci sat on the bed and looked around the room at nothing in particular. Derrick watched her every move. They sat there quietly, not knowing what to say to each other. They had known each other for almost eight years and had been married for eighteen months. But it seemed they didn’t know what to say to each other now that they were alone in their bedroom.

  “Staci, we need to talk,” Derrick finally broke the silence.

  Staci already knew he wanted to discuss the future of their marriage, but after the kiss they shared earlier, she wasn’t sure she could have an objective conversation with him.

  “What do you want to talk about?” She finally made eye contact with him.

  Derrick leaned forward in the chair and took her hands into his. “I’m ready to work on our marriage. I’m ready to be a husband to you.”

  The sincerity in his voice touched her in a place she thought had closed long ago. But she wasn’t ready to open up, not just yet. “Derrick, so much has happened, I don’t know if that’s possible.”

  “Staci, nothing has happened that can’t be fixed. I know I made mistakes, and I’ve hurt you deeply. But, I’m ready to make restitution to you. I’ve settled the issues with my insecurities.”

  Staci’s head jerked upward. This is the first time she’d heard him admit his insecurities.

  “I know who I am now, and I accept me, just the way I am.” He brought her hands to his mouth and kissed them. “I love you, and I’m ready to be your husband. I look forward to it.”

  Staci reclaimed her hands, then walked over to the window. The red taillights and white headlights going in and out of the Caldecott Tunnel only added to her blurred vision. Derrick had finally released the healing balm for her broken heart, but she couldn’t apply the ointment.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” she answered honestly.

  Derrick stood directly behind her with his arms folded, appearing suddenly ready for a confrontation.

  “Staci, what is the full extent of your relationship with Malcolm?”

  Staci whirled around. “What?”

  “Have you or are you now sleeping with him?”

  “Why?”

  “I need to know if he’s the reason you’re not ready. I need to know if there’s a second party competing for your heart.”

  Staci hesitated before she answered, not sure of how much she wanted to reveal to her estranged husband about her outside relationship. She decided to just lay everything out on the table. She had nothing to hide. She’s wasn’t the one who walked out; he was.

  “Staci, answer me,” Derrick insisted.

  “No, Derrick, I didn’t sleep with Malcolm.” She heard Derrick exhale loudly. “But I almost did,” she finished.

  Staci watched her husband’s face distort with both shock and hurt. She quickly suppressed the satisfied smile that threatened to light her face.

  Derrick stood frozen and attempted to reject the truth. Despite all of their problems, the thought of Staci in the arms of another man had never occurred to him until he saw her with Malcolm. He’d just assumed that while he was gone, she would just patiently wait for him to get himself together. Isn’t that what a good, saved wife is supposed to do?

  In the four months they’d been separated, he’d thought about being unfaithful. Rhonda was more than willing, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything because he loved Staci too much, and he had made a commitment to God. Derrick had to admit, though, that his commitment to God was shaky at best and wasn’t enough to keep him at home with his wife.

  “Staci, how could you? How could you even think of doing such a thing?”

  Staci dropped her hands and glared at him. Derrick had the audacity to stand there and pretend to be the victim. Had he forgotten that he was the one who treated her with little regard, and then walked out on her because she couldn’t get pregnant? If he had, she was certainly going to remind him.

  “How could I?” Staci placed her hand on her hip. “Derrick, that was easy after the way you’ve treated me.”

  “What are you talking about? I mean, I know I’ve been gone for four months, but you knew that was only temporary. Didn’t you?”

  “Derrick, please. You may have physically left this house four months ago, but you left me a long time ago. To be honest, you have never really been here, at least not with me.”

  “Staci, what are you talking about? Up until four months ago, I was here every day.”

  She inhaled while trying to figure out a way to say the words without falling apart. “Since our honeymoon eighteen months ago, you’ve treated me like I was nothing more than a baby-making machine. The only time you touched me was on the days you figured I was ovulating and would conceive.” She bowed her head and took another deep breath, determined to get everything she’d been holding in all this time out into the open.

  “Derrick, did you even notice that I didn’t enjoy the times we were intimate? Of course, you didn’t notice,” she said, shaking her head. “The only person you care about is yourself. Do you notice how you never refer to me as your wife? It hurt when you introduced me as Staci, and not your wife, to the employee that would love to give you some personal bedside care, if she hasn’t already. Did you notice that up until today, you’ve only told me you love me three other times since our wedding day?”

  The reality of those words broke Staci, and she had to turn away from him. She refused to let him see her cry over his abuse. “You’re the one who stopped complimenting me and talking to me. When I didn’t get pregnant, you stopped spending time with me, and then you left me. I don’t even know where you have been living for the past four months. You vowed to love me forever, and then you left me. You never wanted me; all you wanted me for was a baby.”

  Her honest words shredded his heart. Derrick couldn’t deny her summation of their marriage, but he needed to explain to her why he treated her the way he had. “Staci, I’ve always loved you.”

  She faced him and screamed, “Then why did you leave me?”

  Derrick leaned back against the wall; he didn’t have an answer good enough.

  “Why did you put me in the position of wanting and needing the attention of another man? I only started spending time with Malcolm after you rejected me. I needed to feel like a woman again, and he helped me to do that by giving me the attention and respect and support I should have gotten from you.”

  Derrick remained stuck to the wall, watching Staci cry and in shock at the realizations she’d just brought to his attention. Everything she said was true. He had just refused to see it for what it was.

  “You blame me for us not being able to have another baby. You think it’s my fault because I aborted our first baby without telling you.”

  “No, I don’t,” he contested.

  “Yes, you do, Derrick.” She walked back to the bed and sat down, drained. “I know it doesn’t matter to you, but it took me a long time to get over what I’d callously done. To this day, I wonder what it would have been like if we would’ve had a daughter with my curly hair or
a son with your eyes. But I’ll never know, and that’s something I have to live with.” Her face dripped with tears when she finally asked her husband, “God forgave me. Why couldn’t you?”

  Derrick turned away from her. He couldn’t look her in the face when he revealed to her the real reason why he had been so adamant about conceiving another baby. At that moment, he regretted the decision he’d made more than he did deceiving her all this time.

  When Derrick turned away from her, Staci took that as him rejecting her again. She sighed, absorbing yet another blow.

  “Derrick, please leave,” she asked calmly. “It’s been a long day for both of us, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Staci leaned back against the pillows with her eyes closed, wondering how it would feel to be a single woman again. At twenty-eight and attractive, she wouldn’t have a hard time getting a man’s attention. Malcolm Leblanc was proof of that. She wondered if Derrick would want to sell the house or would he sign the deed over to her? How would they split their stocks and bonds and real assets, the cars?

  “Staci, I knew,” Derrick’s somber voice interrupted Staci’s mental preliminary divorce proceedings.

  “You knew what?” she opened her eyes, but didn’t look at him.

  Derrick turned around slowly. “I knew about the abortion,” he said and lowered his head.

  “What?” Staci said, sitting up straight.

  “I heard you on the phone making the appointment at the clinic the week before.”

  Staci was at a loss for words at Derrick’s revelation. All this time, she’d thought he’d been oblivious to her selfish plan.

  “I knew when and where you were planning on having the procedure. I even followed you there on the day of your appointment.”

  Staci shook her head from side to side. “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I sat in the parking lot the entire time trying to get up the courage to go inside and stop you.”

  “Why didn’t you come inside?” Staci stood and walked over to him and tried to look in his face, but he wouldn’t allow her eye contact.

  “Staci, I was scared and confused.”

  “So was I, Derrick!”

  “I’ve hated myself ever since that day. I hated myself for not being man enough to stop you from aborting our child. I’ve hated myself for becoming a coward like my father. I couldn’t live with myself. That’s why I left the first time.”

  Staci thought back to the yearlong breakup after the abortion. “That night, after the procedure, when I told you, you sat in my apartment and pretended to be shocked and angry. You said you couldn’t be with me anymore, because you didn’t trust me. You called me evil!”

  “I said that because that’s how I felt about myself. In order to deal with it, I placed the blame on you. I put my energy into blaming you so I wouldn’t have to deal with myself,” he said and finally met his wife’s gaze.

  Staci took a step backward. She wanted to get away from him. “Why did you marry me?”

  “I wanted another chance at fatherhood. I figured if we got married, and then had a baby, God would be pleased. The guilt would go away, and everything would be fine.” Then he added after a pause, “And because I love you, Staci. I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  “You don’t know anything about love!” she screamed. “You have made my life a living hell because you love me? You placed your inability to stand up and be a responsible man on me. Then you walked out on our marriage—all because you love me? You left me open and vulnerable and wounded because you love me? Derrick, get out!” She pointed to the door. He didn’t move, so she ran up and pushed him. “Get out!”

  He stilled her arms. “Staci, I told you, I love you, and I’m ready to come home.”

  “Come home? We don’t have a home. We have a house!”

  “It’s important for me to be here if we are going to reconcile.”

  “Reconcile what?” Staci couldn’t believe her ears. “Our whole marriage has been nothing but an excuse for you not to deal with your conscience!” She broke free from his grip. “What makes you so sure that I want to reconcile with someone who’s willing to leave me unprotected, and then walk out on me just so he won’t have to deal with his own issues? Do you think I want to be married to someone who would willingly blame me for his issues and lack of ability to be a man?” She waved her hands and shook her head simultaneously. “No, Derrick, I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you. Now get out.”

  Derrick wanted to defend himself, but he couldn’t. He was guilty as charged and as long as he lived, he would never forget the hurt he’d seen in his wife’s eyes or the anger permeating her voice. He would spend every day showing her how sorry he was for letting her down. He had not only let her down as a man, but as a husband.

  Notwithstanding his many failures, Derrick found solace in knowing Staci still loved him. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been right by his side throughout the ordeal of his mother’s passing. During the past week, Staci had covered and protected him more than he had ever done for her. From this day forward, Derrick Garrison had one mission in life: to win his wife’s trust and affection back.

  “Staci, you’re right, I have not been a husband to you. I haven’t even been a good friend to you. I have treated you badly, and I was wrong for walking out on our marriage. It doesn’t sound like much, but Staci, I really do love you, and I am sorry for all of the pain that I have caused you. I am sorry for not keeping the vows I made to you, but I’m asking you to give me another chance to show you how much I love you and how important you are to me. Give me a chance to rebuild the trust that I’ve broken.”

  Staci turned away from him and walked back to the bed she once shared with him. She offered no words.

  “I’m moving back home tomorrow,” he said before turning and reaching for the doorknob.

  “Derrick,” she called after him.

  Hoping she had a change of heart, he quickly turned around. “Yes, baby?”

  “Lock the door on your way out.”

  Hours later, Staci gave up on sleeping. It was 5:00 A.M., and she had been tossing and turning all night. How could he do that? How could he take his faults out on her? Those questions kept her up most of the night. She’d always known Derrick had insecurities because he’d grown up without a father, but she had no idea he would allow those insecurities to intentionally hurt her. And what brought about this sudden change? Was he only sorry because he’d just lost his mother? Would he go back to his normal self after he finished grieving?

  Staci was not going to open up her heart again to him, plain and simple. She had given him her heart, and he had proven that he didn’t deserve her love. She just wished she didn’t love him so much. Wished she hadn’t said those “for better or worse” vows Marcus had reminded her of.

  Staci threw back the down comforter and climbed out of bed. She started to pray, but she couldn’t focus on anything but Derrick. She gave up and put on a pair of fleece sweats and prepared to go running down Tunnel Road. If she was lucky, the running spirit that possessed Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump would also overtake her and send her on a long journey.

  Chapter 31

  “Ugh!” Staci grunted when she spotted Derrick’s SUV in the driveway when she returned from the office the following evening. She rolled her eyes while at the same time hitting the garage door opener. She was not in the mood for any more drama; not today. The expansion in Corte Madera was wearing her out, and Marcus was pressing her for the quarterly report, and she had another argument with Malcolm about why she couldn’t see him today.

  “What are you doing with him that has you too busy to see your man?” Malcolm had questioned her earlier over the phone.

  “Excuse me? Malcolm, you are not my man. Have you forgotten that I’m a married woman?”

  “That never mattered to you before.”

  Staci couldn’t defend that. He was right. Up until recently, she had been basically at his beck and
call.

  “Malcolm, I have to go. I’ll call you in a couple of days.” She hung up the phone before he could respond.

  Now, she didn’t need the added stress that came along with her sorry husband, but Derrick wouldn’t go away.

  “Derrick, what are you doing here?” Staci asked when she saw him in the kitchen setting the table for two.

  “How was your day?” he asked with a smile and continued setting the table.

  “What are you doing here?” This time she folded her arms.

  “I’m setting the table for dinner,” he answered again with another smile.

  “Derrick, answer me!” she screamed. “Why are you in my house?”

  Derrick remained collected. “Staci, I told you last night that I was moving back home today.”

  She had heard enough. “You also vowed to love, honor, and cherish me until the day you die, but you didn’t do that. How was I supposed to know you would keep your word about moving back here?”

  Derrick took a long, deep breath, but didn’t say anything.

  “Look, Derrick, I can’t stop you from staying here; the house is half yours. But I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine between us, because it is not. It never will be again,” she yelled, then stormed from the kitchen and up the staircase.

  Derrick planted his fists against the table and bowed his head in prayer. Pastor Reggie had warned him it was going to be tedious work trying to regain Staci’s trust. Derrick just didn’t realize how hard it was going to be until he saw the raw anger in her eyes.

  “You have an uphill battle ahead of you. It’s a winnable battle, but it’s going to be a challenging one. You can’t give up when things don’t change as fast as you would like them to. You have to be patient and consistent and allow her to work through her emotions,” Reggie had told him in their weekly counseling session.

  Derrick made Staci a plate of food and carried it upstairs to her on a tray. Before mounting the stairs, he had an idea and ran out to the yard to cut some fresh roses from their garden. Derrick placed them in a vase on the tray. It felt strange for him to knock on his bedroom door, and then have to wait until he was given permission to enter.