by Daisy May
“You’re you,” Gordon said. He gestured at me. “Smart, successful, freaking gorgeous…” He shook his head, trailing off.
I choked out a laugh. Was he even talking about me? “None of that is true,” I said. “Well, I’ll admit I have a good job, but that’s about all I have going for me. Otherwise, all I do is work and take care of Kerry.”
“You can’t see how it’s attractive that you’re a family man?”
“I told you, I’ve been dumped for the way I put Kerry first. You know me and her better than those guys ever did. Of course I figured you’d be the same.”
“But I adore that little girl,” Gordon said. “How could she ever come between you and anybody?”
“I’m as baffled as you are.”
Now that I was looking at things from Gordon’s perspective, I understood Kerry wasn’t a detriment to our relationship. There was still the question of me, personally. And the way Gordon had reacted when I had first proposed to him.
“You practically ran away when I first suggested getting married,” I said. “Of course I didn’t think you were into me.”
“Because I was shocked,” he said. “It came out of nowhere. I had always assumed you were way too good for me. I’m really not bringing a lot to this relationship, you know.”
I frowned, peering at him. “What in the world are you talking about? You’re perfect. Aside from the whole being Canadian thing, and potentially having to leave the country…”
He rolled his eyes. “I just don’t think we’re on the same level,” he said softly. “Most of the guys you date are more like you, aren’t they? Real men with real jobs, who make real money.”
“Maybe they are,” I said thoughtfully, “but look how that went for me.”
“So you’d still want to date some successful guy if he wanted to date you?”
“I didn’t say that. There’s no one I want to date other than you. Or be married to, for that matter.”
Now it was out there, and we looked at each other in growing disbelief. We were married, and we had feelings for each other. This was really happening.
“So I like you and you like me,” I said slowly. I could have used a stronger word, but I’d hold off on that for now. “Are we seriously going to give this a shot? Because I think it could be good.”
“It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment,” Gordon said, nodding. “But we could give it a try. If we want to get divorced after I get a green card, we can get divorced.”
“And no matter what happens, like I told you, I still want you to be Kerry’s nanny.”
At that, he leaned forward, his full lips parting just half an inch. His green eyes drew me in, and I moved toward him as if hypnotized. When those soft lips touched mine, I sighed into the embrace. My heartbeat picked up, and I shifted to fight my arousal.
It didn’t work, and Gordon could tell. “Let me do something about that,” he said, placing his hand over my growing bulge.
“That’s one good thing about this marriage,” I said, pausing to bite my lip before continuing. “We already know we have better sexual chemistry than most married couples.”
“I don’t know if we’re that much better than other newlyweds,” he said pensively. “I’m sure most couples who’ve only been married a month are still banging each other’s brains out.”
“So you’re saying we’re actually behind?” I reached for his collar, tugging his shirt over his head. “We have some catching up to do.”
He straddled me, shirtless, and I ran my hands over his body as he spoke. “Yes, I’m pretty sure most couples fuck like bunnies while they’re in the honeymoon phase.”
I groaned, and not from pleasure. What a waste. We’d both been so afraid, so unsure of ourselves, and now we wouldn’t ever get that opportunity back.
I’d been a fool. And now that I knew a little of what Gordon had been thinking, I could see he had, too.
On the bright side, we had each other now. And that was something I’d never thought I’d be able to say.
“You know what we’re going to have to do?” I said, moving my hands over his sculpted torso again. “We’re going to have to go back to Jamaica one day and make up for it.”
“One day could be a long way away,” Gordon said, his fingers working at my zipper. “I vote we make up for it now instead.”
Seventeen—Gordon
The mood in the house was totally different now that we were together for real.
It was hard to believe that this had ever been just a workplace for me. When I thought back to the days when I’d just arrived and was getting to know both Cole and Kerry, I felt like the three of us were completely different people.
Back then, I’d been intimidated, even scared. I’d put up a brave front, charming Kerry and smiling at Cole. Inside, I was afraid I wouldn’t win either of them over.
Now Kerry ate out of my hands, and as for Cole… things were going well.
Nothing visible had changed, at least not from the outside. But as the days passed, there was a certain brightness to our interactions. We were constantly touching each other, squeezing each other’s arms or hugging each other from behind. Pecks on the cheek or even the lips were exchanged more and more frequently. We called each other pet names more often than our actual names, and we got downright gooey with each other as soon as Kerry left the room.
Her enthusiasm about our relationship was changing to disgust as we got more and more affectionate. She started rolling her eyes whenever she walked in on us holding hands or cuddling together. It only took a couple of days for her support to turn to sarcasm.
But I was happy, and Cole certainly seemed to be, too. Even though sometimes I wondered if he wouldn’t have preferred somebody with more ambition or a better career, he seemed content with our quiet family life. The three of us fit together in a way that we never had before. Even in a couple of days, the difference was obvious. We weren’t quite a family yet, but we were on our way there. And for my part, I couldn’t have been happier.
One night, we were on the living room couch, half-spooning in a way that let us meet each other’s lips. “I should get up and do some yoga tonight,” I said. “I’ve been slacking off.”
“Yes, you have.”
I stiffened. “What? How would you know?”
“I see you out by the pool sometimes.”
Rolling over, I stared at him in horror. “You do?” Oh God, oh God, oh God. “You can’t see my spot from the bedroom window. I checked.”
“But I can see it from the bathroom,” he chuckled. “It used to give me some nice inspiration while I was in the shower.”
“Oh, fuck.”
“You look cute while you do it.” He kissed my neck. “I like the little dance you do when you’re trying to balance.”
I covered my face. “That’s tree pose, not a little dance!”
Gently but firmly, he pried my hands away. “Hey. Look at me. I told you it’s cute, okay? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” He pressed another kiss to my lips. “I especially like it when you’re bent all the way over in those cute shorts you wear.”
A huff came from the doorway, and we looked up to see Kerry scowling at us. “Ugh!”
“We’re married, remember?” Cole said to her, pulling back. “This is what husbands do, so get used to it.”
She peered at us with disdain. “You two never used to be so gross.”
“I’m sure your friends’ parents do this too, kiddo.”
“No, they don’t,” she told me. “I never see them hold hands or anything.”
I nudged Cole in the ribs. “Maybe we are ahead of the game after all.”
Kerry went to the end of the couch, where both our legs lay across the third cushion. “Let me sit down,” she said, and started pulling on Cole’s calves.
“You’re not watching the little monkey show. We were already watching the news.”
“You two weren’t watching anything, you were kissing.�
�
She kind of had us there, so I passed over the remote without further protest. I refused to sit up, though. If she wanted to watch her show so bad, she could sit on the floor.
“You two kiss all the time lately,” she commented as the monkeys came on.
Cole reached over to ruffle her hair. “Again, sweetheart, that’s what couples do. You wanted us to get married, remember?”
She huffed. “So that Gordy could be my daddy, not so you could be weird.”
“It’s not all the time,” I told her playfully. “Only in the morning… And when your daddy gets home from work… And before bed…”
She turned to shoot me a death stare. “And while you’re making dinner. And on the weekends.”
I laughed, rubbing my back against Cole’s chest. If Kerry was old enough to understand, she’d be absolutely scandalized by what we did behind closed doors.
Because that never seemed to stop lately. We were at it whenever we had the chance. And impossibly, it seemed to get better every time.
The first time had been mind-blowing enough, but now that we’d admitted our feelings for each other, it was much, much better. The emotions gave the physical aspect a new layer. It was deeper than just sex now. It was intimacy, something I’d never really had before.
When Cole was buried inside me, a sure way to send myself over the edge was to look at the ring on my finger, a reminder that he possessed me in every possible way.
The threat of divorce still hung over us, but we seemed pretty solid for now. The immigration interview scared me more.
On the bright side, writing each other emails had gotten far easier than I’d ever dreamed. These days, we just emailed each other for real. No pretending required.
The only problem was that it got me horny as hell while he was at work, and instead of focusing on Kerry, I found myself counting down the minutes until Cole got home.
When Kerry realized that neither of us was paying attention to the show, she turned again to scoff at us. “Why don’t you two go watch TV in your room if you don’t even care about the monkeys?”
“We’re trying to spend time with you,” Cole said.
“Then why aren’t you laughing? Milly just pulled Sasha’s tail, didn’t you see?”
Sufficiently rebuked, I turned my eyes to the screen. “I must’ve missed it.”
Eventually she went to bed, still shaking her head in frustration. “I’ll tuck you in,” Cole said.
“I don’t need to be tucked in.”
The two of us glanced at each other in surprise. Kerry always wanted to be tucked in. She might’ve grown out of the monsters under the bed phase, but she loved her bedtime stories, especially when she got to hear them from her father.
“You think she’s okay?” I asked softly. “Do you want to go after her?”
“I guess she has to grow out of being tucked in someday,” Cole said. “I just wish it wasn’t today. I feel like we’ve done something wrong.”
“This must be confusing for her. It’s a shame we can’t explain anything.”
Cole nodded slowly. “Maybe after you get your green card, we can let her know what’s been happening.”
“That won’t be for quite a while.”
*
Time seemed to slow down when Cole wasn’t around. I wanted to be with him every second of every day, and what made it worse was that he seemed to feel the same.
When we were together, everything was hearts and roses. Music would suddenly start playing in my head when I saw him, and I could’ve sworn that birds flocked to his side. It was the stuff of a romantic comedy, except it was real life—and he worked all the time.
Kerry usually kept me company after she got home from school, although she noticed me being gloomy more often and complained about it.
But sometimes she had play dates or rehearsals, and when Cole was at work, it was hard to keep myself entertained.
Now that I was Kerry’s stepdad, I could’ve hung out with her just for fun. I would’ve been happy to, actually. But she had her own life, especially her burgeoning friendship with popular Francesca. I couldn’t keep her with me just because I was lonely. I dropped her off at her friend’s house, then headed to yoga class.
When I got to the studio, Reuben was already in the changing room. He raised both eyebrows at me as he closed his locker. “Well, look who it is,” he said. “I started to think you moved out of town or something.”
I gave him a one-armed hug. He was a good-looking guy, with his trimmed beard and his longish hair. Since our failed attempt at dating, we ran into each other at yoga pretty often, and we often grabbed a smoothie afterward. It was a good way to unwind after getting into the whole peace and love mindset.
Clearly we hadn’t caught up in a while, though, and I wondered if he saw the ring on my finger as I placed my stuff in my locker.
I hadn’t been coming to the studio too often in… well, months, really. I’d noticed I was getting stiff at first. These days, I was limbering up in bed so often I hadn’t even realized I was slipping in my practice.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” he said. “But you—that’s not…?” He pointed at the band on my ring finger.
“I know it’s kind of sudden,” I said, twisting the ring around. “It’s actually been over a month now.”
His eyes widened, and he shook his head. “Seriously? I didn’t even know you were seeing anybody.”
“We did keep it a secret at first, but then we decided to make it official.” Seeing Reuben’s confusion, I went on to explain. “It’s my boss.”
“Wow,” Reuben breathed. “I definitely didn’t see that coming.”
I’d told a lot of people about our relationship over the past month, but this was the first time since it’d actually become real. I found myself getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about Cole. I smiled shyly, finding it hard to meet Reuben’s eyes. Before, I’d always tried to keep eye contact so the other person wouldn’t think I was lying.
I could’ve made it so much more realistic if I’d known it would be like this. But, oh well. No one seemed to suspect anything, and even if my acting could’ve been better, we’d ended up with an actual relationship now.
“It feels like it all happened overnight,” I said. “It was really unexpected, but now we’re together.”
Reuben still looked shocked, and I wondered if he might be a tiny bit jealous of my good fortune. “You seem happy.”
“I am.” I tried not to get all dreamy-eyed, but it was hard. “I can’t even explain how much.”
“I’m happy for you,” he said.
I headed into the studio with him, grabbing a mat and a block and then taking a seat. As we went into the flow, I wondered if I should’ve insisted on inviting Reuben to the wedding. I’d have to tell him how we kept it small and intimate. I would’ve actually been hurt if he’d gotten married and not told me, so I could see where he was coming from.
We did a few sun salutations, then went into a series of warrior poses. I bent and stretched, my body rejoicing at the movement. Yes, I’d really needed this class. Even if I could still think of nothing but Cole.
“Join your breath to the movement,” the instructor said. “Yoga is like a moving meditation. Clear your mind and let your breath guide you.”
I did my best. Normally I loved this instructor because she helped me get out of my head and into my body. Today, that wasn’t happening. I was already too much in one particular part of my body. And nothing we were doing was helping me get out of it.
The hour passed slowly. By the end, when we got into the final resting poses, I was eager to get home. Maybe Cole would be back by now.
We all lay on the floor, and I listened to the soft breathing around me. Everybody else was probably at peace, their heads empty, their bones settling. Me? I was hyped up and ready to get out of there. Images of what I wanted to do with Cole ran through my head like a movie reel. I’d be l
ucky if I didn’t pop a boner right here in the middle of class.
I splayed out my legs, my feet falling to either side. My hands were out, palms up to receive energy from the universe… supposedly.
What I was receiving instead were pornographic thoughts, and I doubted they were coming from the universe.
I wanted to be in bed with Cole immediately, his hands on my body, his lips on my skin. I wanted him telling me what to do, embracing the dominant, assertive side that I was just beginning to coax out of him.
One of these days, I was going to get him to talk dirty to me. I knew he had it in him.
By the time the instructor told us we could start wiggling our fingers and toes, I was about ready to leap up and get out of here without even changing back into my street clothes.
“Roll over gently onto your sides, cradling your head on your arm in the fetal position.”
I twitched with barely restrained energy as I faked my way through the gentle wake-up. I would’ve rather stayed on my back and stuck my hand down my shorts, but I doubted that would’ve gone over well with the other people in the class.
“Slowly use your left hand to push yourselves up.”
I did, then began to roll up my mat before noticing that the others were sitting cross-legged on theirs. Reluctantly, I folded my legs and did the same.
“Thank yourselves for taking the time for your practice today, and I thank you for allowing me to share it with you. The light in me recognizes the light in you. Namaste.”
“Namaste,” I murmured, and immediately rolled up my mat.
“So, you want to grab something to drink?” Reuben asked as he appeared at my side.
I glanced at the clock. It was still only seven, and there was a good chance Cole would be home by now. “Let me text my husband and see what he’s doing.”
The words slipped off my tongue, and I grinned as I realized I actually meant them. It felt so funny to be able to say those words, especially to mean them.
“I can’t believe you got married,” Reuben said. “Even if your husband’s at home, you can’t spare the time to tell me about everything?”
We got to our lockers, and I grabbed my phone. Cole was on his way home, so I only shrugged at Reuben. “We can catch up soon for sure, but I’m dying to get home.”
