Give Me Some Truth
Page 40
“We’re not. Lewis expects my call. He knows how long it takes to get there from here.”
“Fuck Lewis,” he said, his voice like broken glass. “I want to take you to bed tonight and treat you right because I love you. Nothing’s changed that.” Others filtered out of the building, and Jim noticed. “Let’s get in the car,” he said, confirming everything I thought again. He was trying to hide resentment, but I knew the sound of that tone as well as I knew the sound of any song I’d committed to memory. Still, I got in, and we took the back exit.
“Jim, I like you,” I said, and it hurt me to say it. “But I can’t live my life waiting for the day you think it’s okay for us to be a real couple. If all I am is some sex fantasy of yours, that’s not a relationship. I know it sounds stupid and, I guess, young, but I want my first time to be with someone I love and who loves me the same.”
“But I do, really,” he said, and I could see a sad, horny hope in his face. Some juvenile part of him still thought he could argue his way into that Honeymoon Suite tonight.
“I’m at the beginning of high school, and you’ve probably got a decent chunk of retirement savings.” He started to interrupt, again, thinking he still might find a yes tonight. “No,” I said. “It’s my time to talk. We can maybe figure something out, for the future. Or maybe in a little over a year, you’ll still think this is worth looking into.” I thought of all the things he was willing to just not let me experience, like regular dates, getting to know someone who’s learning the world at the same time, even the senior-year craziness Marie was locking herself out of (there was no way Ben-Yaw-Mean was taking her to the prom, or that kind of thing).
What I didn’t say too, and what my damned inner voice wouldn’t let me unhear now, was that a thirty-year-old guy shouldn’t find a fifteen-year-old that interesting, no matter how mature she was. I was a nice person, a nice girl. It felt funny saying that to myself, and to mean it, when I’d been fighting to be seen as a woman for so long. But it was true. There would be someone who loved me for me, someday, but it wasn’t now, and it wasn’t this. That one major thing making me attractive to him—that would be gone, I guess, by the end of an hour, if we went to the hotel. Surely that wouldn’t keep us together. And even if there was more than just that detail, I was going to grow up. I decided not to say those things, but I added what I’d come to understand.
“Maybe I’ll think it’s worth looking into too. But there aren’t any guarantees. We’ll see then.”
Even as I said it, I thought about that album Jim had given me. I wondered if I’d ever be able to play it without thinking about him, and if he would too. Our lives would be what happened to us, while we were busy making other plans.
“Reach into the console,” he said as we drove down Dog Street, his voice ragged. He wanted to pretend he wasn’t crying, in the same way I pretended I wasn’t.
“I made a mixtape for you,” he said. “Maybe you’d call it a Mixed-Up Tape, now. The label says BEATLESIE LOVE SONGS FOR MY GIRL. Corny, but that’s what you do to me. You make me feel like a kid again, instead of the old man I’m becoming.” I pretended to search, but I knew which one it was. “Play it and maybe think of me. I’m gonna put in a work transfer for you to go to the garage. Be too hard to see you, if we … if we’re not …”
“No,” I said, my new voice easier to access. I was tired of other people deciding my future. “Christmas break’s coming. Wait ’til January. If it’s too hard then, I’ll put in a transfer request for the Rez school, and you can sign off. And if that doesn’t work, I wanna stay where I am. You know, we can work it out,” I said, making a lame Beatles joke. He laughed, but it sounded thick and choked.
Jim headed to my home and pulled in to the driveway. It was nice to be dropped off at my house instead of down the road. I could get used to that. “Thank you for the ride,” I said, and leaned over, kissing his cheek. This time, he didn’t turn, and I was glad.
Inside, Marvin was watching one of his shows. It didn’t sound like Lost in Space or Land of the Giants. “Hey,” he said. “Thought you were gone for the night for your big giveaway.”
“Our tribe doesn’t do that and you know it,” I said.
“Yeah, there’s no Indian giving there,” he said. “Once that’s gone, it’s gone for good.”
“I didn’t do what you think.”
“Your red knights came to your rescue, then? They figured out where you were, isn’t it?” He didn’t know Lewis had ratted him out. “Smart little Indian boys.” Or maybe he did.
“Smart Indian young men,” I said, and I meant it.
“I’ll have to take your word, but that wasn’t Carson’s car dropping you off.”
“No, it wasn’t.” The commercials stated that Lost in Space was next. “How many times a day do they show that nonsense? I swear, it’s like you’ve found the Lost in Space Channel.”
“Three, different episodes each slot. I guess it’s cheap. And it’s an hour, so it takes up time they can sell commercial slots for.” Marvin knew too much about independent TV stations.
“Did they ever make an episode where they found their way home?” I asked. Usually, any question about his shows was enough to get Marvin to engage.
“Nope. Probably one of the other benefits for syndication. Anyone watching, hoping for an ending, is never gonna find it. They’ll just keep staring at the glowing box.” He seemed disconnected from this world he usually loved so much. “Waiting and waiting.”
“You ever wish they got the cast back together to film one? Where they came home?”
“Nah.” He looked directly at me, instead of the sideways glance he usually gave. “Even if they made their way back, it’d be a different place. Not home. They’d be just as lost here.”
“Maybe I’ll watch with you, if you don’t mind.”
“So you can check out Major Tight Pants?”
“No, just … we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately.” I picked up the phone.
“Starts in ten minutes,” Marvin said. “By the way, check out that soapstone head for the Imagine piece. Why’d you want to go with the back cover? Looks cool, but I could have done the standing-up front cover.” On the table sat an amazing soapstone carving of John Lennon’s head, all polished and smooth, lying prone. It would slide onto my velvet and beadwork backdrop. Lying with his face up, staring into a cracked dome of the Sky World, soapstone John Lennon looked like a premonition. Marvin probably hadn’t heard yet. On his TV station, it was always 1967, and right after Thanksgiving, the Beatles had just released Magical Mystery Tour.
Lewis answered during the first ring, not giving me time to hang up. “I’m home,” I said.
“Carson wants you to look out in your driveway,” he said. I did, and Carson’s Chevelle was there, with the lights off. I hadn’t heard it rumble over the obnoxious Lost in Space theme music. “He told me he’d wait ten minutes after you got home. If you don’t go out, he said he’ll leave. Do what you want. What he did, what we did, was stupid. But it’s because he cared. And it was the most generous thing he’s ever done. That is the absolute truth, for what it’s worth.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’ve got something for you,” I said. “Tomorrow.” I hung up and headed outside. A cloud of exhaust vapor swirled around the car, making it seem like one of those bizarre space vehicles on Marvin’s shows. Carson leaned over and rolled down the passenger’s side window. More John Lennon streamed from inside the car. I imagine most radio stations were sending out that signal tonight.
“It’s cold out there,” he said. “Can we talk?” I hesitated, trying to decide what kind of signal I wanted to send. “Just talk. That’s all. Right here, even. If you want.”
“Too cold to go to your rooftop penthouse?” I asked, getting in.
“I took it apart. I couldn’t stand up for my brother in public and run away from his problem at home. Ladder’s in my trunk if you don’t believe me.”
“I believe you,” I sai
d. “Brothers. They’re a funny thing.”
“Yours is watching out for you right now,” he said, pointing to our living room window. The curtains were closed, as they always were, but a sliver of TV light cut through the heavy fabric. Marvin was watching out, through the gap.
“I don’t need him to do that,” I said. “I’m good on my own.”
“On your own?”
“I’m good making decisions for myself.” I wasn’t justifying myself to Carson. I liked being in a band with him, the way I was able to find my own voice in it. And from now on, I’d have time to discover the range of that voice. “What you did tonight?” I said, and I could see him perk up. “No. It was wrong.” He deflated again instantly, like the Lost in Space robot’s heart. What had Marvin called it? The diode timer? The timer diode? Some nonsense name, trying to hide the way our hearts were all fragile. Even robot hearts. “You don’t get to choose who I like.”
“I didn’t do it just because you liked that guy,” he said, looking at me, with the softest vulnerable look I’d ever seen. I didn’t think Carson Mastick’s face came equipped with that look. “I mean that’s guy’s a … nevermind. I did it because … it killed me not to be that guy for you. I’d gotten so used to being able to make anyone notice me, I didn’t know what to do when you just didn’t.”
“It’s not always about you,” I said. He shook his head, bitter, but for the first time maybe ever he didn’t have a sharp cutback.
“Does that mean it can’t be?” I didn’t know what to say. Could he stop being a jerk? I wasn’t interested in fixing him. Jim had tried to make me into some fantasy girl he’d invented. I wasn’t going to push Carson into being someone else. But he could maybe become someone more interesting on his own. “I brought you this,” he said, sliding over his dad’s pamphlet he’d shown me from Yoko Ono’s art show: This Is Not Here.
Well, It Is Now, and I’m Here with It, I thought, in my own new Ghost Voice, which I guess was going to stick around.
“Nyah-wheh. I’ll be careful and get it back to you quick.”
“No, it’s for you. If my dad asks, I’ll just say I haven’t seen it. He loses shit all the time. Even things that are important to him.” I had a guess at what he meant.
“Well, for sure, Nyah-wheh,” I repeated. “Hey, listen. You got a tape deck?” I still had Jim’s “Mixed-Up Tape.” Earlier, I’d ejected it after one and a half times through—I knew it’d be too painful to keep. Knowing what the next song was going to be, I slid it in. A repetitive drone, like drums and seagulls, began.
“What is this?” he said. It was weird and cool, and sounded edgy, like what they might play in those New York City clubs he always talked about, like Mudd Club or CBGB. The stuff they were calling New Wave.
“ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows,’” I said. “Your friends the Beatles.” John Lennon sang, inviting us to turn off our minds, to relax and then float downstream. He wanted us to surrender ourselves to the void. It was the final cut on Revolver, the last album before everything changed for them, when they quit playing live onstage together and transformed into something else. It was like a window into their future.
Maybe I could keep the cassette. Tomorrow, I’d ask Marie if Bee could make a copy for Lewis and one for Carson. I’d scrape the label off this one. I needed new memories, and Lewis and Carson could develop their own. We could each come up with new titles for ourselves. Maybe we’d call it The Way We Honor John’s Memory, or The Night John and Yoko Made Us Come Together, or better yet, The Night Someone Gave Us Some Truth.
As with my previous young adult novel about this community, If I Ever Get Out of Here, each part title is borrowed from album titles, in this case by the Beatles and John Lennon. In the previous novel, each chapter was named, in alternating order, for a Beatles song and a Paul McCartney post-Beatles song. When I knew Give Me Some Truth was going to be shaped thematically around John Lennon, I felt it needed, more accurately, to be shaped around John Lennon and Yoko Ono, since their lives, personal and artistic, were so enmeshed. So the order here is: Beatles; Yoko Ono; John Lennon; Yoko Ono; repeat.
I also chose to use (almost exclusively) music officially released before December 8, 1980, with a couple of exceptions for songs inextricably tied to the events of that day. Following, I have listed the album most commonly associated with the song’s release, in our time. Some were singles that were never released onto an album (the culture at the time), so a few of these albums are later compilations. I have also identified other songs that are referenced in each chapter, with occasional repetitions, as bands do tend to have “crowd-pleasers,” songs they know people are expecting, or which they know they play exceptionally well live.
Links to online versions of these songs are available on my website at www.ericgansworth.com/GiveMeSomeMusic.html.
Part One
Unfinished Music No. 1. Two Virgins, John Lennon and Yoko Ono: Unfinished Music No. 1. Two Virgins—album title
Chapter 1
“Nowhere Man,” The Beatles: Rubber Soul (or Yesterday and Today, from The U.S. Albums)
“Julia,” The Beatles: The Beatles (commonly called “The White Album”)
“Golden Slumbers,” “Carry That Weight,” “The End,” The Beatles: Abbey Road
Chapter 2
“Sisters, O Sisters,” Yoko Ono and John Lennon: Some Time in New York City
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen: A Night at the Opera
Chapter 3
“You Are Here,” John Lennon: Mind Games
“Julia,” The Beatles: The Beatles (commonly called “The White Album”)
“Working Class Hero,” John Lennon: John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band
Chapter 4
“Mind Holes,” Yoko Ono: Fly
Chapter 5
“Strawberry Fields Forever,” The Beatles: Magical Mystery Tour
“Fame,” David Bowie: Young Americans
“Fame,” Irene Cara: Fame Original Soundtrack
“Jambalaya,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Cold, Cold Heart,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Kaw-Liga,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Your Cheating Heart,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
Chapter 6
“Men, Men, Men,” Yoko Ono: Feeling the Space
Chapter 7
“Cleanup Time,” John Lennon and Yoko Ono: Double Fantasy
Chapter 8
“Sleepless Night,” Yoko Ono: Onobox Disc 4: Kiss Kiss Kiss
“One After 909,” The Beatles: Let It Be
Chapter 9
“In My Life,” The Beatles: Rubber Soul
Chapter 10
“This Is Not Here,” Yoko Ono: This Is Not Here (art exhibit title, Everson Museum, Syracuse, NY)
“Old Moccasin Dance,” “Stick Dance,” “Standing Quiver Dance” (listed as “Stomp Dance”), Allegheny River Singers: Social Dances of the Iroquois (“Rabbit Dance” absent from this release)
Part Two
“Mind Games,” John Lennon: title song from Mind Games
Chapter 11
“Instant Karma (We All Shine On),” John Lennon: Lennon Legend
Chapter 12
“Midsummer New York,” Yoko Ono: Fly
“Stars and Stripes Forever,” (you’re kidding, right?????)
Chapter 13
“This Bird Has Flown,” The Beatles: Rubber Soul
“Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown),” The Beatles: Rubber Soul
“All Together Now,” The Beatles: Yellow Submarine
“We Can Work It Out,” The Beatles: Past Masters, Volume 1
“Day Tripper,” The Beatles: Past Masters, Volume 1
“Ten Little Indians,” (horrifying) anonymous “traditional” American children’s rhyme, set to the tune of Irish folk song, “Michael Finnegan”
“Jugband Blues,” Pink Floyd: A Saucerful of Secrets
Chapter 14
“Strai
ght Talk,” Yoko Ono: Feeling the Space
Chapter 15
“One Day (at a Time),” John Lennon: Mind Games
“Jambalaya,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Cold, Cold Heart,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Kaw-Liga,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Lovesick Blues,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“Your Cheating Heart,” Hank Williams: The Ultimate Collection
“We Can Work It Out,” The Beatles: Past Masters, Volume 1
Chapter 16
“Paper Shoes,” Yoko Ono: Plastic Ono Band
Part Three
“Rock ’N’ Roll,” John Lennon, Rock ’N’ Roll—album title
Chapter 17
“Hey Bulldog,” The Beatles: Yellow Submarine
“Sympathy for the Devil,” The Rolling Stones: Beggars Banquet
Chapter 18
“I Felt Like Smashing My Face in a Clear Glass Window,” Yoko Ono: Approximately Infinite Universe
Love Songs, 1977 collection by The Beatles
“All You Need Is Love,” The Beatles: Magical Mystery Tour
Part Four
“Help!” The Beatles: title song from Help!
Chapter 19
“Cold Turkey,” John Lennon: Lennon Legend
Chapter 20
“Nobody Sees Me Like You Do,” Yoko Ono: Season of Glass
Chapter 21
“All You Need Is Love,” The Beatles: Magical Mystery Tour
The Beatles (commonly called “The White Album”) 1968 release by The Beatles
“(Just Like) Starting Over,” John Lennon and Yoko Ono: Double Fantasy
“Standing Quiver Dance” (listed as “Stomp Dance”), Allegheny River Singers: Social Dances of the Iroquois
Chapter 22
“What a Mess,” Yoko Ono: Approximately Infinite Universe
Chapter 23
“(Just Like) Starting Over,” John Lennon and Yoko Ono: Double Fantasy
“Radar Love,” Golden Earring: Moontan