Promises

by Bailey, Sarah

  “Um, sure,” she said, her voice a little quiet.

  I gave her a smile and left the room, shutting the door behind me. Cassie looked at the door, a frown still apparent on her face.

  “Not that it’s any of my business, but is that Avery?” she asked.

  Cassie didn’t know much about my life, but she did know who my best friends were. I’d talked about them a little to her.

  “No… Just another friend.”

  “Oh, I thought you’d be celebrating with her is all. Happy birthday, by the way.”

  “Thanks. Um no, Avery doesn’t like going out without the baby much.”

  She shifted on her feet.

  “I got your note. I don’t want things to be awkward between us so I accept your apology.”

  The relief I felt settled across my chest. I didn’t want this hostility since it’d make the office environment unbearable.

  “Thank you. I’m glad you feel that way.”

  “I should go… but, um, it’s none of my business, just don’t mess that up.” She nodded towards my office door. “You never looked at me that way.”

  “Cassie…”

  “No, it’s okay. I get it. Don’t worry about me, honestly. Just be happy, James. And don’t let anything get in the way of that.”

  She turned and started to walk away, but she threw something out to me over her shoulder, “She likes you too, you know. As more than just a friend.”

  My heart slammed against my ribcage as I watched Cassie walk towards the lifts. What the fuck was she talking about? Ellie hadn’t given me any indication she thought of me as anything other than a friend. How could Cassie deduce that from seeing us for less than five minutes? Probably just fucking with me.

  Shaking my head, I opened my office door and stepped in again. I was about to open my mouth when I froze, my eyes landing on Ellie. My fucking heart was in my mouth seeing her in that dress. The sky blue dress I’d picked out for her imagining it would perfectly compliment her figure. Nothing could prepare me for seeing her in it. Absolutely nothing at all.

  “What do you think?” she asked, eyes full of caution.

  What do I think? Fuck me, Ellie, you’re perfect in every single fucking way.

  Chapter Eight

  Ellie

  The way he was staring at me made me incredibly nervous. Especially since he hadn’t said anything at all. My palms were sweaty and my chest felt tight. Why had I agreed to this? A part of me wanted to make him happy because it was his birthday, but the other part was terrified he’d be repulsed by my scarring.

  Why am I such an idiot?

  I should’ve just said no and not put myself in this situation. Except I was trying to find a way to get over the past and be a relatively normal functioning human being. A girl who didn’t have hang ups about the way she looked. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get there, but I could try.

  The dress he’d picked was beautiful and it did cover almost everything. It wasn’t low cut or revealing. The only scars anyone could see were on my arms and I’d already shown him one of those. Most of them were on my back anyway, just a few on my thighs so I didn’t mind having my calves on show.

  “James…?” I prompted when I couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

  He seemed to visibly shake himself.

  “You look…” He rubbed the back of his neck and I thought for a moment he wouldn’t continue. “…beautiful, Ellie.”

  I felt my face growing hot. He couldn’t possibly mean that, could he? No one had called me beautiful before. Bitch. Whore. Slut. Slave. Yes. But beautiful? Never.

  “You mean that?”

  He closed the distance between us, his eyes still roaming across me.

  “I do. It needs some adjustments. Would you let me take your measurements? I’ll get one made up for you.”

  He wants to what? Measure me?

  That would require touching in a way I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with. I took a step back, feeling the beginnings of a tingling sensation in the back of my neck which always signalled an attack.

  “I, uh, don’t know.”

  His face fell, but not out of disappointment, concern spread across his features.

  “Are you okay?”

  I put a hand to my throat, finding my airway tightening. I shook my head. The very idea of having his hands on me in such an intimate way was making me feel things I never felt before. It wasn’t revulsion. I was beginning to realise I would welcome his advances if he chose to give me his attention like that. And it was just plain fucking terrifying.

  He didn’t try to reach out to me, which I was glad of because I don’t think I could’ve taken it if he had.

  “Do you need to sit down?” he asked.

  I shook my head again. What I needed was a small enclosed space. That’s where I felt safest. In the dark with four walls surrounding me.

  “C…cupboard, I need a cupboard,” I managed to get out.

  “Okay, right… Here, come with me.”

  I put my free hand out to him. He hesitated before taking it. His skin felt so warm in mine and it made my blood pound harder in my ears. I let him lead me out of his office and down the corridor. He opened a door on our right and pulled me into a small room. He shut the door behind us. It wasn’t exactly roomy so we were close together. I could feel his breath dusting across my face so I knew he was looking down at me.

  “Is this okay?” he asked.

  “I… I need a minute,” I whispered.

  The darkness soothed me although my heart was still racing out of control because he was right next to me. I put my hands behind me, feeling a solid wall. I leant against it, closing my eyes and breathing deeply.

  “Do you want to be alone?”

  “No, don’t go,” I said all too quickly.

  Even though he was the cause of my attack, I didn’t want him to go anywhere. I needed to get used to this. Used to him. In the dark, my fears were dissipating. I used to hide under the bed or in cupboards in the places I was housed in when everything got too much for me. It had become my coping mechanism. An enclosed space would make some people feel claustrophobic, but it helped me regain control.

  The only sounds I could hear was his soft breath and my heartbeat hammering in my chest. I wondered what it would be like to have his breath caressing the skin across my chest followed by the pads of his fingertips. Did I want to be more than just friends with James? Why was I reacting like this? No one had ever made me feel the things he did when he was close to me. And yet even if I wanted that, it could never happen. Not when he was in love with his best friend. I might not have any experience with relationships, but I was pretty sure you didn’t let yourself be someone’s second best.

  How would I even know what attraction felt like anyway? I’d never experienced it. None of the men who’d kept me made me feel anything but revulsion. Whatever I felt towards James certainly wasn’t that.

  He shifted in front of me, dragging me back to the present. I opened my eyes, but it was too dark to see anything. Everything was okay. There was no one here but me and him. I was completely safe. James wasn’t a threat to me. Not in the way other people had been. The only real threat he posed was turning my world upside down and making me want things I couldn’t have. I just hoped I could deal with it because I wanted him in my life. I felt more alive around him.

  My breathing was finally even again and my pulse settled. It was only quick thinking that had suppressed a full blown panic attack.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “For what?”

  “Giving me what I needed.”

  Not being able to see his expression bothered me somewhat. James’ eyes gave away so many things and now I was left floundering because I couldn’t tell if what I said was okay or not.

  “Can I ask why a cupboard?”

  “Darkness and enclosed spaces are the only places I feel safe.”

  “I’ll
remember that for next time.”

  My breath caught in my throat.

  Next time?

  He still wanted to see me after this. Why had I doubted him? I’d told him some pretty fucked up stuff about my past last time and he hadn’t been fazed by that either. It seemed no matter what I said to James Benson, he liked me anyway. It didn’t mean I was going to admit I wanted more than just friendship from him. I wasn’t ready to go there or entertain that idea.

  “You sure I haven’t completely ruined your birthday?”

  “I can’t tell if that’s a serious question or not.”

  “Why don’t you open the door and find out?”

  “Well, I would if I could find the bloody door handle.”

  I couldn’t help laughing, which after a moment set him off too. It was a full minute before either of us calmed down. James managed to find the door handle and the door swung open. I blinked rapidly as the light filled the small space. When I looked up at him, he was smiling. His smile was addictive. I swear being around this man made me feel all sorts of crazy shit I was never supposed to feel.

  He stepped out first and I followed him back to his office.

  “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he said as he turned to me.

  I walked towards him and reached for his hand. He let me take it.

  “I really appreciate you wanting to give me nice things, but uh… maybe in the future when I’m used to this.”

  I indicated our hands. I think he got what I was saying because he nodded. He released my hand and looked into my eyes.

  “Okay. You tell me when you’re ready.”

  “I will.”

  “So… how about you change out of that, we have this cupcake and then go out for drinks, hmm? No story sharing tonight.”

  It sounded perfect. I didn’t want to mess up his birthday any further. It was probably good we weren’t going to talk about the past, especially now I’d almost had an attack.

  “Okay, that sounds nice.”

  He smiled again and I had to look away before I got lost in those blue eyes of his again. It was time I got a grip on my burgeoning feelings for James Benson. They had to be locked away so I couldn’t get hurt.

  I wasn’t going to be the girl he used to get over his unrequited love for his best friend no matter how much the thought of him and I closer made my body ache in ways it never had before.

  ***

  My phone was ringing incessantly. The noise grated on my ears. My head was already pounding so I didn’t need this. I rolled over and tugged it off the bedside table.

  Tina Reynolds.

  Just what I needed. She was from the Lizzie Lockhart Foundation. The charity set up to help girls sex trafficked by the Daniels. The one which helped me after I was rescued. Paid for my therapy and gave me the funds to get back on my feet. Funds I still had most of because I refused to be a charity case. It had helped me secure this flat though, which I could only be glad of. Finding money for the deposit would’ve been impossible otherwise.

  Tina liked to check up on me from time to time. All the girls really, to make sure we were still doing well and if we needed anything.

  “Hello Tina.”

  “Ellie, I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”

  Sometimes I didn’t. I’d ignored her last four calls.

  “Sorry, I’ve been busy with work.”

  “Oh yes, how is that all going?”

  I shifted, sitting up in bed.

  “Fine; I completed my probation period so I have a permanent contract now.”

  “That’s wonderful news.”

  It meant I had a steady income so I was happy in that respect. And being around lots of people helped me get over my issues.

  Don’t forget James.

  I told my brain to do one. I’d enjoyed last night despite the almost panic attack. We’d laughed together as he told me funny stories from his childhood about his brother and sisters. No dark and twisty secrets in sight. It seemed he’d been in a nostalgic mood what with it being his birthday.

  “How is everything else?” she prompted when I didn’t respond.

  “Uh, okay, I guess. I’ve been getting out more. The bartender at Frankie’s knows me by name now. Oh, and I made a friend… sort of… I think.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, he’s nice. I met him a couple of months ago.”

  “A male friend?”

  Tina knew I didn’t like being around men. It’s why I’d only had female therapists.

  “An actual man, yes. I feel safe around him. That’s progress, isn’t it?”

  “It is. I’m pleased you’re making friends.”

  James was my first and only friend as an adult. I hadn’t had many growing up anyway. I didn’t like being around the other sex trafficked girls. Most of them kept in touch with each other, but I preferred to forget about the past and move forward.

  “Oh, I um, saw your… I guess he’s your sort of adopted son a couple of months ago.”

  “Aiden?”

  Tina had told me about him because he and his wife had helped set up the foundation. It’s why I knew exactly who they were when James told me Avery’s name.

  “Yes, I worked a wedding at the hotel and he was there with his wife and their baby.”

  “Did you speak to them?”

  “Well no… it was her friend’s brother’s wedding, um, Dante Benson.”

  “Oh, yes, Avery is very close with his brother. They have their hands full with Afie, she’s such a beautiful girl.”

  Tina’s voice had a proud note to it. I guess she considered Afie as her grandchild. Their relationship was an odd one, but I understood that Tina raised Aiden after his mother’s death and the foundation was named after her.

  “Tina… um… my friend, well, that’s how we met, at the wedding I mean. Her friend, James, he’s the one I’ve been spending time with.”

  “He is? Well, James is a very nice boy, so you’ve made a good choice.”

  “The thing is… he doesn’t know about my connection to the Daniels. I told him a bit about my past, which is a huge deal to me, to be able to tell anyone, but I don’t know how to admit to him it was his friend’s family.”

  She was quiet for a long moment.

  “Honesty is always the best policy. He’ll understand. You haven’t done anything wrong. It was those who took you who are to blame.”

  I fiddled with the duvet.

  “I’m just scared. I like him and it would suck if I messed it up.”

  “Putting yourself out there is a scary prospect, but you’ve made a huge step by opening up to someone. Just don’t leave it too long, okay?”

  I nodded then realised I was on the phone.

  “Okay. Um, thank you. For listening I mean.”

  “I’m always here if you need to talk, Ellie, you know that.”

  She’d always told me that. From the day we’d met not long after I was housed at the charity, Tina said if I ever needed her, she was only a phone call away. I was still mute back then. She’d been so kind and gentle. Tina was the first person I said a word to when I decided to speak again. My throat had been sore and voice gravelly, but I’d managed to say ‘thank you’.

  “I know.”

  “I have to go, but you take care of yourself, okay? And as always, everything you’ve said stays between us. I won’t mention this to Aiden until you’ve told James.”

  “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

  “Speak to you soon.”

  I didn’t respond and hung up. I wasn’t so great with goodbyes anyway.

  I felt a little better having spoken to her. It reassured me I was making positive steps towards having a normal life. And that I had to stop being a coward. I just needed to say it. Tell James who my captors had been.

  When I checked the time, I found I had a message waiting for me.

  JAMES: Shots were a very bad idea.

>   ME: Hungover?

  JAMES: Like a bitch.

  ME: I feel a little rough too.

  I wasn’t lying. My head felt thick and I was still a little groggy.

  JAMES: At least you don’t have work. Conference call means I can’t skip it entirely.

  ME: Poor baby.

  JAMES: Yes, I’m such a delicate flower.

  I snorted, putting my hand over my mouth. I loved his humour. He didn’t mind me giving him shit as he gave it back. At least via text.

  ME: You remember to put our promise in a safe place?

  JAMES: Always! Even in my drunken haze, I pinned it on my fridge when I got in.

  ME: Good, wouldn’t want you to forget.

  JAMES: As if I could forget a promise I made to you.

  My heart fluttered. I needed to quit getting giddy over him. This wasn’t the way you were supposed to feel about a friend. At least I didn’t think it was.

  I smiled as I remembered us writing our promise last night. We’d both been very drunk at that point having had too many cocktails and shots of tequila.

  I promise no matter what we reveal to each other, it’ll never affect our friendship. I got your back, you got mine.

  It hadn’t been a promise to meet like the last ones. Mostly because James said we can arrange that at any time now we have each other’s numbers. Promises had become our thing. It was like some stupid pact we had now. Always on a bar napkin and always signing our names. He told me we had to make a new promise every time we met.

  ME: Friends for life.

  JAMES: Forever.

  All I could think about is I wished that was true. But what I really wished for was for him to let go of his infatuation with Avery. Not because I wanted him in a way I shouldn’t, but for his own sake. The guilt he carried made my heart ache for him. Was this what happened when you cared for someone? Did seeing them suffer make you want to take their pain away?

  There was no one I could ask these things of except him. And maybe I wanted him to know just how much I’d started to care for him.

  You make my heart race, James Benson. And I can’t help feeling like this is only going to end up with me getting hurt.