Lowering my arm, I stared up at the ceiling. Guilt flooded my veins all over again. It was my fault I was in this mess with Avery. My fault for letting it get this far. My heart burnt and the happiness I’d felt at being close to Ellie faded.
I sat up, rubbing my face and grabbed the tissues from the bedside table to clean myself up. Just as I threw them in the bin, Ellie came back fresh-faced with her dark hair spilling down around her shoulders. She sat next to me on the bed and took my hand, kissing my fingertips.
“What happened?”
I shook my head. Repeating my conversation with Avery would kill me.
“James, please don’t shut me out.” She reached out and placed her palm on my chest. “You keep everything locked up inside. It’s hard for me to watch you suffer like this.”
My head snapped up to hers. Her blue eyes were filled with tears and her expression almost cleaved me in two. Letting go of my hand, she moved closer and gripped my face with both hands.
“Don’t you understand? You have me. I’ll be the balm to your suffering. I’ll fight by your side. I’ll listen and comfort you. I’ll be here no matter what. I. Am. Yours. You can fuck me as many times as you need but eventually, you’re going to have to talk to me. I need you, James. I can’t do all of this without you so I need you here and whole and right now, you aren’t. So let me in, please. Let me be the one you turn to when the world is falling down around you.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks.
“I didn’t know I loved you until I said it, but I do. I love you so much. Please let me be here for you.”
I couldn’t stand it. Her words broke through all my resolve and willpower. The words came tumbling out. All my heartache and pain bubbled up to the surface and every word Avery and I had uttered to each other tonight echoed around my skull.
Ellie’s hands dropped from my face to clutch at my fingers. She listened without interruption as I explained what happened tonight. Told her I knew what Aiden had done to Avery’s parents and Avery herself. How keeping all these secrets for so long had broken something inside me. Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop and there were so many things I’d locked away, having never been able to articulate my feelings properly.
“I told you about my dad, but not everything.” I pointed at the deep scar on my chest. The one she’d looked at but never asked about. “He was in such a rage, ranting about how I was a waste of space and he wished I’d never been born. That my mother had ruined his life and forced ungrateful children on him. We were in the kitchen at the time and without warning, he ripped the biggest knife out of the block and stormed over to me. He held it against my chest, looked me dead in the eye and told me he was going to watch the life drain from my eyes whilst I bled to death. Then he pressed it deep, ripping through my t-shirt as he dragged it across my chest. The pain… fuck, it hurt so much.”
Ellie was full on crying and I didn’t care that I was too. My scar itched. The memory burnt through my chest and the phantom pain hit me all over again.
“I was a fucking adult, Ellie. He did this to me not long after Avery disappeared. He only stopped when Jen walked in and pulled him off me. She was dropping something off for him. She did her best to stitch me up because we couldn’t go to the police or hospital. It never healed quite right though. Only Jen and Dad know what happened that day.”
“Your own father tried to kill you.”
I nodded, words failing me all of a sudden. My own father thought I wasn’t worth the effort. He would rather see me dead than have me as his son. It was something I was too ashamed to tell anyone. It’s why his letters were so confusing. For the longest time, he’d hated the sight of me so why the fuck did he want to see me now? Why couldn’t he just leave me in peace?
Ellie crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me, stroking my back with the softest of touches.
“Did he ever try again after that?” she asked.
“No, but his outbursts got worse. Fuck knows why. Maybe because I was the only one who still cowered away from him. He liked to assert his dominance… control. Have those beneath him at his mercy.”
And hell did he make me feel like I was utterly worthless. Your parents are supposed to raise you up and love you, not beat you down until you’re nothing. An empty shell of who you once were.
“I hate him. I hate him so fucking much that sometimes it’s all-consuming. I want him to rot away in his cell. I never want to see or speak to him again. He’s a monster.”
Ellie just held me, her tears soaking my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and let go all over again. Who knew how long we stayed like that. Just having her right there soothed me. The ache in my chest dulled.
“You’re all I need,” I whispered.
Everyone else could disappear and it would hurt but as long as I had this girl right here, I’d survive.
Ellie was mine.
My person.
My one.
I gently pulled her off me and laid her back against the pillows. Getting a tissue, I wiped away her tears and cleaned my own face up. I propped myself up on my elbow, reaching over to brush her hair back from her face with my free hand.
Fuck she was beautiful. Even though her eyes were bloodshot and face a little blotchy from crying, she was always stunning to me.
This was the real deal between us.
So it didn’t scare me when I opened my mouth and told her what I knew to be true deep down in my soul.
“I love you too.”
Now and forever, Ellie.
Chapter Twenty Four
Ellie
After spending the weekend in a sex-fuelled haze, James made me come into the office with him to get me out of the flat. He seemed to be putting on a brave face after the fallout with Avery. I knew he was hurting. I tried my best to be there for him. We spent a lot of the weekend without clothes on. Not that I was complaining because sex with him was blissful. I just couldn’t help wondering if he was using it as a way of avoiding dealing with his emotions. Whilst he’d opened up to me about his feelings and the things his father had done, there was still so much I knew he was keeping locked up. Given how many secrets he’d had to keep throughout his life, it hardly surprised me.
The one thing which had taken me aback was his reciprocation of my feelings. It wasn’t that I thought James would never be able to love me, I just didn’t expect it so soon. The sincerity in his voice and expression when he said those words made it easy for me to believe he was telling the truth.
He’d left me alone to go to a meeting with his siblings. I was sat at his desk, reading on my phone via my Kindle app. The sun was streaming in through the windows. Basking in it a little, I curled my legs up under me and made myself comfortable. It wasn’t so much I didn’t want to work, but until we found my father and made sure he didn’t come after me again, I didn’t feel safe.
I was so lost in my own world, I didn’t hear the door open. It was only when I heard someone calling, “Miss Kirkwood,” I realised I wasn’t alone. Turning in the chair and looking around, I found Viola, one of the secretaries standing in the doorway. James had introduced me to her earlier when we’d got into the office.
“Miss Kirkwood, there’s someone to see you at reception.”
I put my phone on James’ desk and frowned. No one knew I was here so I had no idea why someone would be looking for me.
“Did they say who they were?”
Viola shook her head.
“If you want to come to my desk, I have the security feed from reception up.”
I jumped up and followed her out towards the bank of secretary desks. She was the only one in today. Once we got to her desk, she pulled up the security footage and my stomach dropped out from underneath me.
What the hell is she doing here?
“Uh, can you have them send her up, please?” I said, deciding it was better I dealt with this up here away from prying eyes.
; “Of course, hold on.”
James had told Viola to make sure I was looked after whilst he was working. So far, she’d already brought me two mugs of tea and biscuits. I figured she did this for all the siblings.
She spent a minute talking to the security guard at reception before putting the phone down. I was freaking out, but I tried not to let that show on my face.
She shouldn’t be here.
This was the last thing I wanted to deal with. Especially not at James’ place of work. How on earth did she know I was here? And what did she want? If she thought I was going to give her a warm welcome, she had another think coming.
The lift doors dinged a few minutes later and out walked Beatrice Kirkwood. She looked so put together which surprised me. Her light brown hair was slicked back in a tight ponytail. She had sky high red heels on with a smart white blouse and black pencil skirt. Her light brown eyes assessed me and Viola for a long moment before she stepped forward and opened her mouth.
“Eleanor.”
“Hello Mum.”
She looked nothing like I remembered. Then again, the last time I’d seen my mother, she was crumpled on the floor by the sofa in the dingey two bedroom flat she shared with my father, bruises peppered across her skin.
I had so many questions, but I wasn’t about to get into my family drama in front of James’ employee.
“Um, why don’t you come with me?” I said, waving my hand towards the corridor.
She followed me to James’ office. I shut the door firmly behind us. Mum promptly dropped her stern look and her face brightened. She was an inch taller than me in her heels. She stepped forward and rested her hands on my shoulders.
“Nellie Noodle, you’re all grown up.”
I flinched at her words. I hadn’t heard that name in so long and it made my heart fracture in my chest. This was the woman who’d loved me but been too afraid to leave my father. She’d sentenced me to years of abuse instead. Bea might not have been able to stop my dad selling me to the Daniels, but she could’ve taken me away long before he ever got the idea in his head.
I stepped back from her. Being touched by other people was still an issue for me. Shaking hands was one thing, having someone’s hands on me was another. The only person I allowed that from was James.
“What are you doing here?”
Her face fell a little.
“I’m here to see you, Nellie.”
I took another step back, putting more distance between us. Seeing my mother brought up all sorts of feelings I wasn’t ready to face.
“Don’t call me that.”
She flinched, her face falling further.
“Aren’t you happy to see me?”
Is she for real right now?
“No, Mum, I’m not. You can’t just turn up at my boyfriend’s office unannounced after all these years and expect me to be overjoyed to see you. How can I be? You let Dad sell me.”
I paced away, hating her guilty expression. I hadn’t meant it to come out like that, but it was the truth. She was just as responsible for what happened to me as my father was.
“How did you know I’d even be here?” I asked when she said nothing.
“Your father has been keeping track of your whereabouts.”
I should’ve known. Of course he had. And that meant she was still with him which made me feel sick. I didn’t want her here. My scars itched painfully on my back. Even rolling my shoulders didn’t ease the feeling like it normally did.
I rounded on her, irritation rising up inside me. They couldn’t walk back into my life now when I was doing so much better. Especially not now I had James who didn’t deserve to get dragged into my family drama.
“What the hell do you two want from me? If you think I’m going to do anything for you or him, you’re sorely fucking mistaken.” I pointed a finger at her. “You and him might have straightened out your lives, but that doesn’t make you my parents. You lost that right the moment you sold me to those monsters. Do you have any idea what I’ve suffered through? Do you?”
Her eyes were wide and she shook her head.
“I didn’t think so. Well, Mum, I was beaten, raped, abused and tortured for six long years. You let that happen to me. And you’re still with him. He beat you for years. Why the hell would you stay with a man like that? Why are you really here?”
I didn’t care I was practically shouting at her. She didn’t deserve anything less. Both of them could go to hell for what they did to me. Before she could answer, the door to the office swung open and James stepped in, brow furrowed as he took in the scene.
“Ellie?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.
Mum turned to look at him. You wouldn’t know she was my mother unless you looked closely and especially not now her face was caked in makeup and she was wearing dressy clothes. Here I was in black skinny jeans, ballet flats and a plain burgundy t-shirt. My boyfriend, on the other hand, looked gorgeous. His navy slim fit trousers hugged him in all the right places. His black shirt was unbuttoned at the top, sleeves rolled up and his signature mussed dark hair was messier than usual.
“Hello, I’m Beatrice, Ellie’s mother,” she said, putting her hand out.
He took her hand and shook it, but his eyes remained on me as if he was gauging my reaction to this whole thing.
“James, Ellie’s boyfriend.”
I noticed her take him in properly then. She looked back at me when he dropped her hand, eyebrow raised, almost as if she couldn’t believe I could attract a man like James. That made my blood boil further. I might have scars all over my back and find it difficult to be around people at times, but I wasn’t unattractive. She didn’t even know those things about me and here she was judging. What happened to the mother I knew?
“Are you going to answer my questions, Mum?” I asked.
“That’s really a conversation we should have alone,” she replied, indicating James with her head.
“You think he doesn’t know what you and Dad did?”
She flinched. No, neither of them thought I would tell James about how they’d sold me. Hell, they probably didn’t think I’d told him how Dad wanted me to go after the Benson’s money. They’d sorely underestimated me.
James walked around my mum and stopped in front of me. He cupped my face with one hand and turned it up towards him. His eyes were full of concern and it almost broke me. I was still so angry with my mother for turning up here that I couldn’t bring myself to smile at him.
“Do you want me to go?” he asked quietly.
I shook my head. If anything, I needed him here to get through this. He was my rock. My anchor. I loved him more than I could put into words.
He took my hand and moved to stand beside me, levelling his gaze on my mother, who sighed deeply.
“Your father and I… I’m sorry, Ellie. I never wanted you to go through any of that. I wasn’t a good mother to you all those years ago when I allowed him to hurt us. He doesn’t do that any longer. I swear to you, he’s changed.”
The outrage I felt at her words made my whole body shake.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you know what Dad did when he found me? He beat the shit out of me because I wouldn’t do what he wanted.”
“He did what?”
The abject horror on her face told me Richard Kirkwood had been lying to his wife. That didn’t come as a surprise to me at all.
“You don’t know, do you? You don’t know what he wanted me to do.”
“He told me he went to see you to make amends.”
The ridiculousness of her statement made me laugh. I couldn’t help it. My father trying to make amends. What a fucking joke. James squeezed my hand and my mother just looked confused.
“He doesn’t want to make amends. He wanted money and for me to con the only person who cares about me.”
“What do you mean?”
I shook my head. Didn’t she get it?
; “He wants all of this.” I waved around the room. “To take James’ family for all their worth. And when I refused, he beat the shit out of me.”
She took a step back as if she’d been slapped in the face.
“He… Oh my god.”
After all this time, my mother was still stupid enough to believe every word my father said. I should be disgusted with her. I felt sorry instead. Sorry that she was blind to his bullshit.
“I thought he was getting better… He’s off the drugs, Ellie, I swear. I thought he wanted to reconcile with you, not… not ask you… I’m so sorry.” She looked at James. “She told you he asked her to do that?”
“Yeah, before we were even together,” he said.
“And you still wanted to be with her? Even after her father threatened her and your family?”
“I love your daughter.”
He said it like it was simple. Like love was the only reason he needed to be with me.
“Ellie has been through so much and she deserves happiness,” he continued. “She’s kind, caring, respectful, not to mention beautiful and I count myself lucky she wants to be with me.”
My mother looked between us, her expression telling me everything I needed to know. She saw what was between us.
“You know where he is, don’t you, Mum?” I asked.
“Yes.”
What I was going to ask her to do next would determine our relationship with each other for the rest of our lives, but I had to. It was the only way James and I would be free of my father. I’d protect him from my family just as he’d protected me.
“I want you to turn him in.”
“Wh…What?”
“I have evidence of what he did to me and I’m going to the police. You need to turn him in.”
I felt James stiffen next to me. He’d been the one to make sure we documented my injuries whilst I hadn’t wanted to. Now, I was grateful he’d insisted. I was officially done with my father. It might not stick, but I had to do something. I had to make sure he understood I meant business and I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me.
Promises Page 25
