Just Pretend

by Juliana Conners

  I’m annoyed that he considers my brothers and closest friends— for whom I would die, and almost did, and who would do the same for me— to be considered “bantering.” But I’m glad he set a date and time to answer my questions and provide me with a status update of sorts. I’m hopeful that now we can actually get somewhere on my goal of returning as a SEAL.

  “That sounds good, thanks,” I tell him.

  But something still seems off. I don’t know what it is about that chick at the conference that’s knocking me off my game. I can’t hit on Blondie like I normally would, and I can’t feel confident about my progress.

  Try as I might, I also can’t seem to push vague, nagging negative thoughts about Dr. Davis out of my head. I hate feeling so doubtful about a man who has helped me so much. I don’t know what’s gotten into me other than Mystery Lady, which makes no sense, since she was only a random conference attendee and I don’t even know her.

  I stand up. “I really do have to get going now. I wish I had known you wanted to join us, Dr. Davis, and I would have made sure to invite you earlier.”

  “Harlow, that’s fine, I can’t stay long myself. But I really do think you should call an Uber.”

  I look at him in annoyance. What is he, my dad now?

  Something nags at the back of my mind. Protecting his golden ticket. Can’t let me die in a DUI crash after all he’s done to restore me.

  “Unless you want me to give you a ride home?” Dr. Davis asks.

  “I’ll just go ahead and be on the safe side and Uber it,” I tell him, just to get him off my back. “You’re right.”

  I definitely don’t want to spend any more time with him tonight. And after that last drink he insisted on buying me, he is right that I shouldn’t chance driving. I just don’t want to be stuck in a car with him, his captive prisoner who has nothing to do but sit and listen to whatever it is he wants to talk about. He’s up to something tonight although I don’t know what it is.

  Stop thinking so negatively, I chide myself. He’s just looking out for you.

  “Bye guys,” I say, again, as Ramsey tries to give me a drunken high five that doesn’t quite make its mark. “You should probably Uber it too.”

  “Yeah, there’s no room on my bike for passengers, unless they’re Riley,” Jensen tells him, laughing.

  “I will. Later,” Ramsey says. “The night is young.”

  “Have fun.”

  I’m glad to see that he’s relaxed and having a good time. And everyone else seems to be as well. I guess I’m the only one brooding over a girl I’ll never see again, and the doctor who saved my face but seems to be messing with my head.

  As I wait for my driver, I remind myself that I owe a lot to Dr. Davis. I shouldn’t let Whatever- Her- Name- Is influence my thoughts so negatively.

  It’s probably just regret that’s eating at me. I should have gotten her number, or at least her name. Then I’d have something to call her while I’m thinking about how she shouldn’t be weighing so heavily on my mind. And about how good she’d taste, feel, smell, look if I could only fuck her.

  Chapter 10

  At seven o’clock in the evening, my mom calls, for our weekly FaceTime chat.

  “Hi Sweetie,” she says, and my dad waves at me from the background, where he’s watching his beloved Yankees on TV.

  I moved to Albuquerque from the East Coast for college, but I try to visit and stay in touch with my parents as much as I can.

  “Hi Mom.”

  “How’s the internship going?”

  “Pretty good,” I tell her.

  Especially when it presents me with eye candy like Harlow, I think about adding, but I don’t.

  “My clinic has the opportunity to work with a doctor who performs facial reconstructive surgery on military members who are wounded in action,” I continue. “It’s exciting, but there’s something about this doctor I can’t put my finger on. He seems a bit too… opportunistic.”

  “Hmmm.”

  My mom’s face wrinkles with concern. It’s nice to hear my opinion validated, even if by a “hmmm.” That’s definitely more than I get out Tony.

  “Well, just follow your gut and trust your intuition,” she says. “You know God gave it to you for a reason.”

  “That’s true, Mom.”

  “So, what else is new?”

  “Ummm,” I rack my brain, trying not to mention Tony. Although they’re too polite to say much, my parents have never been big fans. “I’ve been trying to go to the gym more, and lose a little weight. I feel pretty out of shape.”

  “Oh nonsense, Dear. You’re just perfect the way you are.”

  I do my best not to sigh. I know I should be grateful to have such a supportive mother, but she’s so full of empty platitudes.

  When I first moved out here, it was because my eventual goal was medical school, which is much more affordable out here— as is everything else as well— than it is in New York. My pre- med classes turned out to be harder than I expected, and every time I tried to express my frustrations to my parents, I felt that they just wrote off my concerns.

  “Anything worth doing is difficult,” they would say. Or “you have to stay motivated to succeed.”

  I feel like everything’s always come so easy for them. My dad has a brilliant mind when it comes to science, and he got paid a lot as an engineer, before he retired. My mom has always been a stay at home mom. And my older brother got a full- ride scholarship to Columbia, for computer engineering.

  I’ve just always felt like I can’t compete. Everything I do seems mediocre in comparison to all the amazing things they’ve done, and I guess I start to wonder why I even try.

  When I told my parents that I was switching to Physical Therapy as my field of focus, I could tell in their eyes that they were disappointed, but they just said, “Whatever you think is best, Dear.”

  Sometimes I wish they’d challenge me a little more, since I obviously can’t seem to challenge myself. Still other times, I feel I’m letting them down by not living up to their silent but obvious expectations of me.

  “How are you and Tony doing, Honey?” My mom asks me now.

  “Oh, we’re fine.”

  I try to remain nonchalant. I can’t really talk to my mom about deep things like my boyfriend who is content to ignore me.

  “Well that’s good, Dear. Tell him I say hello.”

  She says this to be polite, since she’s not a big fan. Usually I appreciate the attempt but today I’m just tired of hearing his name or even thinking about him.

  What if I was with a guy like Harlow instead? I can’t help but wonder. Someone who is tough, focused, protective, determined. Someone who knows how to fuck me long and hard and make me climax.

  Then my train of thought abruptly stops, as soon as I remember the real world.

  What the hell was I doing, fantasizing about a stranger while I’m supposed to be talking to my mother?

  “I will, Mom,” I quickly agree.

  “All right. Well, it’s almost bed time here. Have a good night.”

  “You too, Mom. Love you. Love you Dad.”

  “Bye!” They both wave at me and blow me kisses.

  This is how pretty much all of our conversations go. There isn’t much substance, but at least we stay in touch.

  As I hang up, I start to wonder whether anything really exciting will ever happen in my life. Something so out of the ordinary and different, that my parents will stand up and pay attention.

  I try to imagine them bragging to their friends about me the way they brag about my brother.

  “Our daughter became a world class ballerina.”

  “And then our daughter helped cure cancer.”

  “Not only that, but the best accomplishment she ever undertook was when our daughter broke up with her deadbeat boyfriend.”

  Ouch.

  That one hurt, even just in my thoughts.

  “Our daughter is dating a member of the Navy SEALs.”

/>   Now I have to tell myself to shut up, before I let my fantasies run way too wild. And if I’m going to indulge any fantasies, they’ll be ones that involve a hot, steamy sex session with Dr. Davis’ pet project Harlow, rather than what my parents might tell their friends at their country club about our relationship.

  And in reality, I guess I’ll never do much to impress my parents, or to woo a guy like Harlow.

  But at least a girl can dream.

  Chapter 11

  Los Cuates is crowded, and doesn’t take reservations. But it’s my mom’s favorite restaurant, so as usual, all of us wait until we’re called to be seated.

  The four of us, plus Jensen’s girlfriend Riley, have been trying to come to lunch at Los Cuates every other week for the past few months. A new tradition.

  So far it’s been working out surprisingly well, considering it’s the first family tradition we’ve had since Dad died. And the first one that Mom is a part of for as far as I can remember.

  “I wish we could wait in the bar,” Jensen says under his breath, but both Ramsey and I elbow him.

  Mom’s a recovering alcoholic and addict, and a bar is the last place she should be. While she’s lived her life being off the wagon a lot more than she’s been on it, she’s been holding steady lately, going to her meetings and abstaining from any harmful substances, and it’s been nice.

  Things with Mom have always been rocky, to say the least, and at times I’ve wanted to give up on her completely. But Ramsey, the rock of the family, always persuades me to give her another chance. And I know that Jensen truly wants to keep some semblance of family life together, even though he puts up a tough front.

  So, I go along with it, as the good youngest brother should, even though I sometimes wonder what we’re doing in trying to play Big Happy Family. I’m sure it will fall apart sooner or later, just like everything in our family’s history always has.

  “I really love your dress,” Riley tells my mom, who blushes.

  “Why thank you. Ramsey bought that for me for my birthday.”

  The sarcastic glare I give Ramsey says what a little suck- up. He’s always doing things to try to make Mom happy, even though she’s never really done the same for us.

  Recently things got heated between her and her abusive ex— one of many addict losers who string her along until they’re done with her— and she was out on the street with no place to go. Ramsey convinced all of us to pitch in money for an apartment for her, and he goes to visit her often.

  He thinks she’s becoming senile and may need round- the- clock care, but I think it’s just a combination of the drugs and the successful pity parties she always throws for herself and which only Ramsey really buys into.

  Finally, the hostess leads us to a table, disrupting my thoughts about the past, and we continue the Happy Family façade in the present. I’d like to think we can all keep this up, but I know not to set my hopes too high.

  We make small talk about work and about Jensen’s and Riley’s blossoming relationship, and then I feel the need to bring up a subject I probably shouldn’t. Jensen and Riley are holding hands and looking deep into each other’s eyes, and I don’t want to ruin their happiness. But it’s so rare that all of us are together that I don’t know when else we would talk about this.

  “So, Dad’s birthday is coming up,” I say.

  My brothers nod their head in cautious agreement while Riley turns to Jensen and says, “Oh? I didn’t know.”

  He brushes a strand of hair from her face, and kisses her cheek. I know he hadn’t wanted to bring up sad things, in the midst of their newfound joy. She smiles back at him, obviously understanding this fact as well.

  Mom says nothing.

  “Yeah, I was wondering what you guys wanted to do?” I ask.

  “I think we should go to his gravesite as usual,” Jensen says.

  “Definitely,” Ramsey agrees. “I’ve been kind of re- learning how to play the guitar, and I’d like to play something in his memory.”

  “Wow!” I’m impressed. “That’s great. Since when?”

  Ramsey just shrugs, with a look in his eyes that’s hard to read.

  “And maybe we can take him to dinner afterwards,” he continues. “Trombino’s, maybe? Since he loved Italian?”

  “Remember that time he took us there and convinced the waiter we were visiting from Italy?” I say.

  “I do,” says Ramsey. “But I can’t believe you do. You were just a little kid.”

  “He was even talking to him in fake Italian,” says Jensen, laughing. “And asking him in a horrible Italian accent how authentic the food was, whether it was like his mama’s cooking back in the Old Country.”

  “Dad always was a hoot,” Jensen says. “I miss him so much.”

  “Well, I need to piss,” Mom says, getting up from the table and walking away while the rest of us sit there speechless.

  “Good ole’ mom. Running away at the sign of any serious conversation,” I say.

  “Harlow,” Ramsey says sternly. “Be nice.”

  “Why should I? It’s always more of the same old same old with her. She left us and Dad a long time ago, to run off with some loser. And she’s never really been committed to trying to fix anything since.”

  Ramsey’s face turns beet red. He looks angry. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s usually the cool, calm, collected one among the three of us.

  “Harlow, you make good points but I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he says. “I just can’t.”

  He clenches and unclenches his fists several times.

  Jensen, Riley and I exchange concerned glances.

  “Okay. Sorry. I won’t say another word,” I say.

  I feel bad but I don’t really know what I did to make him so mad.

  “We’ll just have a nice time at lunch,” Jensen says, reaching out to touch Ramsey on his shoulder.

  This gesture seems to calm him down. He nods.

  “Sounds great.”

  The waitress comes to take our order, but Mom still isn’t back. She refreshes our tortilla chips and salsa and waters, and says there’s no rush.

  We sit in silence for a while.

  “How’s your practice going, Riley?” I ask, finally thinking of something to say.

  “Pretty good,” she says, with her infectious grin. “Working for myself and for clients I enjoy may not pay as well as I’m used to, but it sure beats working as a billable hour slave— I mean associate— for partners at a big firm.”

  “Great,” I say, genuinely happy her career shift is working out for her.

  When she met Jensen, she was a big shot at a nice law firm, but she gave that up to offer legal help to military service members like him.

  It’s hard to stay upset when Riley’s around. Jensen may have wussed out and gotten himself a girlfriend, but at least he picked a good one.

  Still. That’s not happening to me, ever.

  After growing up with our mom and seeing how flaky and unstable people can be, and how a once- loving relationship can be destroyed once someone decides to throw it away, I don’t know how Jensen could ever commit to anyone. I’m determined to never be that stupid.

  Mom finally comes back and says, “On my way to the bathroom, I passed a board that said their special today is the blue corn enchilada plate. I think I’ll try that.”

  She sits down as if nothing is wrong, but she reeks of alcohol.

  I want to ask her if reading the specials board is what took her so long. Or if she thinks we’re that stupid. It’s obvious she went to the bar and had a drink.

  I look at Jensen and sigh, and he shrugs. For Ramsey’s sake, neither of us points out the obvious.

  “I’m going to have the huevos with carne adovado,” I announce, playing my role in the Everything- is- Great game.

  “Sounds good,” says Riley, as the waitress approaches us once again.

  Time to have a big fake happy family meal, I think, as we order. And to get the
hell out of here as soon as I can. That’s the one thing I’m always good at doing.

  Chapter 12

  At eight o’clock on Monday morning, I report to Dr. Davis’ office as instructed. He’s not here yet, and I’m annoyed. All weekend I’ve been waiting to talk to him and find out more about my status.

  I head to my own “office,” which is makeshift at best: a large, windowless supply closet that Dr. Davis set up with a desk and computer chair when I first started working for him. Neither he nor I have felt inspired to do anything else to improve it since then.

  I look at the clock hanging rather haphazardly from the drab wall of my office and tap my foot impatiently. He’s late for our scheduled meeting.

  While the rest of Dr. Davis’ offices are modern and elegant, my office is the only one lacking any kind of curb appeal. No one except Dr. Davis and I have to see it, though, because my job is to assist him and to talk to the patients who are scared of upcoming procedures, just as I once was.

  He doesn’t pay me that well for the work, but it gives me something to do besides sit at home brooding over the fact that I can’t be back serving with the SEALs yet. Dr. Davis keeps telling me that my work will pay off tenfold once his patented technology is bought out and the stocks go public. At that point, he is going to give me a large share of the sale. He’s even mentioned the possibility of making me a partner in his business.

  Finally, at quarter after eight, I hear him come through the front lobby. I give him a minute, thinking he will head back to my office, but he doesn’t. So, I walk back over to his.

  “Jensen,” he says, as if he’s surprised to see me. “You make it home okay on Friday night?”

  “Yes sir. I just…”

  “Oh yes, you wanted to talk about your certification status.”

  His eyes widen in recognition although it’s clear he had completely forgotten.

  “Yes sir.”

  “Have a seat.”

  I sit down at the chair in front of his desk, trying to appear as patient as possible. He walks over to his locked filing cabinet and then retrieves my file, first having to search for a few seconds to find it. He had clearly forgotten about meeting with me, even though he was the one who had set it up.