Secrets & Saris

by Shoma Narayanan

  ‘We’ll talk once we’re home,’ he promised Shefali.

  The talk didn’t happen, however. They were halfway home when Nina started to complain that she was feeling sick.

  ‘Hang on till we get home,’ Neil said, sounding harassed.

  Shefali took an empty plastic bag out of her purse. ‘Here—use this if you can’t hold on till we get there.’

  Bela smoothed Nina’s hair gently—the little girl was looking very wan and woebegone.

  Shefali turned around to smile at her. ‘Another five minutes,’ she said, and Nina nodded. ‘Should I put the radio on? Will that help?’

  Nina nodded again, and Shefali put it on, tuning into a channel that was playing Nina’s favourite Bollywood song.

  Neil frowned. ‘I hate her listening to this stuff,’ he said.

  Hmm, the lyrics were rather unsuitable, Shefali thought as she listened to the song a little more closely. But the tune was catchy, and if it kept Nina from throwing up in the car before they reached home it would have served its purpose.

  Nina was still holding on when the car pulled up in front of the house. Shefali jumped out and went to her door to help her down. ‘Can you manage Bela Mashi?’ she asked Neil. ‘I’ll take Nina in.’

  ‘OK,’ Neil said, handing her the keys for the house.

  Nina was looking distinctly wobbly, so Shefali picked her up and raced to the door. They’d just about made it to the bathroom when Nina threw up, retching miserably all over the bathmat. Shefali held her head and patted her gently till it was over, getting her to brush her teeth and wash her face before carrying her to her room and tucking her up.

  ‘I want Daddy,’ Nina said, keeping her eyes averted from Shefali’s. She was feeling desperately embarrassed about being sick in front of Shefali, and her head was beginning to hurt as well.

  ‘He’ll be here in a minute,’ Shefali said. ‘Should I get you some water?’

  Nina nodded. Shefali gave her the water and then, seeing that she wanted to be left alone, went into the bathroom to tidy up. Neil found her there ten minutes later.

  ‘For God’s sake!’ he exploded, leaning in and trying to take the bathmat she was scrubbing away from her. ‘What do you think you’re doing?

  ‘Cleaning up,’ she said, taking the bathmat back and giving it a final rinse before hanging it up in the shower area to dry.

  ‘The maid would have done that!’

  ‘She’s taken the day off, remember?’

  ‘Right,’ Neil said, and ran a hand through his hair. He looked tired and harried. ‘Look, we still need to talk, but—’

  ‘Dad-dee,’ came the plaintive call.

  ‘It’s OK—go to her,’ Shefali said. ‘I’ll go home now—unless you need any help around here? We can talk later.’

  ‘The nurse should be here in a bit,’ Neil said.

  ‘Shefali didi,’ Bela called from the other room. ‘Can you come here for a minute? I need help getting to the bathroom.’

  ‘Coming,’ Shefali called back.

  Neil looked positively murderous. ‘I’ll go,’ he said.

  Shefali shoved him down in his chair. ‘Nina wants you here,’ she said. ‘And Bela Mashi will probably feel less awkward if I help her.’

  Neil buried his head in his hands as Shefali left the room. She was the kind of girl a man would pull out all the stops for on a date—cordon bleu meals, refined conversation, music, dancing, expensive gifts, the works. In comparison, he’d treated her to cholle-puri on a paper plate, made her the object of vile comments from a pair of nasty-minded women, had her looking after his puking daughter and then mopping the floor afterwards.

  And now he was topping it off by relaxing in a chair while she helped his former nanny to the bathroom. Oh, and he’d told the aforesaid pair of nasty-minded women that Shefali was engaged to him. Way to go, Neil Mitra. He wouldn’t be surprised if Shefali walked out of his house and caught the first flight back to Delhi, just to get away from him.

  Nina moaned slightly and grabbed Neil’s hand. He turned his attention to her. He suspected that he’d have a lot of time in which to contemplate his own stupidity, but right now his daughter needed him. He smoothed the child’s hair off her forehead, wondering if he should call a doctor right away or wait. Wait, probably—she was already looking better, and her eyes were closing as she drifted off to sleep.

  He kept on patting her as his thoughts went back to Shefali. The madness that had possessed him ever since Nina’s outburst that morning seemed to have worn off. He had nothing to offer Shefali, he thought bleakly. Other than their being good in bed together, there was no reason she should shackle herself to a man who was expecting her to look after his child, put up with his erratic work schedules and adjust to his frankly overwhelming family. She deserved someone who could give her the kind of glamorous, cosseted life she was used to. Even one of the men her parents had lined up for her would be more suitable than he was.

  Shefali popped her head around the door. ‘Oh, good, she’s sleeping,’ she said in a whisper. ‘I’ll head off home, then, shall I? We can talk when things have quietened down a little.’

  ‘I’ll call you,’ Neil said, and she nodded, coming across the room to give him a quick hug. Instinctively, his arms came around her and he pulled her closer. Damn, it was difficult to think straight with her warm body against his. Memories of the previous night crowded into his head, and his body was eagerly asking for a repeat performance. But it would just have to wait—sex wasn’t on the agenda right now.

  Hoping it wasn’t too obvious quite how aroused he was, he gently released her.

  ‘Talk to you soon,’ she said, and gave him a final smile before kissing Nina gently on the forehead and leaving the room.

  After she’d gone, Neil realised that he hadn’t even thanked her.

  NINE

  ‘I don’t want to come home,’ Shefali said flatly.

  ‘Beta, I know you think we’ve failed you—’ her father began, but Shefali cut in.

  ‘No, you don’t get it. I’ve failed myself. I didn’t have the sense to stand up for myself when I should have, and I can’t blame you for that.’

  Her father had been the one to buckle under the strain of Shefali’s long absence. After several arguments with her mother he’d called Shefali’s Jabalpur number, expecting her to be as happy to hear from him as he was to finally be back in touch with his favourite child. Things hadn’t gone to plan, and he sounded almost tearful when he spoke again.

  ‘Look, come back to us. If a career is what you want, the opportunities in Delhi are so much wider—you could do so many things. We thought your getting married quickly after this whole thing with Pranav would be the best solution, but we were wrong. Take your time. There’s no pressure—’

  ‘Dad, I’ve met someone,’ Shefali cut in.

  There was a stunned silence at the other end of the line as her parents absorbed that piece of information.

  ‘But who?’ her mother asked finally, sounding bewildered. ‘You said no to Amit, and there wasn’t... Oh, my God—you haven’t gone and got mixed up with some villager out there, have you?’

  ‘Something like that,’ Shefali said, smiling in spite of herself. Anyone from outside Delhi was a villager, according to her mother, with the possible exception of Bombayites.

  ‘Shefali, who is he?’ her mother demanded. ‘This could be dangerous! You’re all alone there—he could be anyone! He could be after your money, or he might just play around with you for a while and dump you. Haven’t we had enough scandal over your marriage already?’

  ‘Nothing to do with the marriage was Shefali’s fault,’ her father intervened. ‘But I must admit I’m worried about this, beta. At least if we know who he is—’

  ‘You don’t need to worry,’ Shefali cut in.
Her mother’s remarks had hurt, though she was doing her best to ignore them. ‘I haven’t decided anything. And, Dad, don’t try coming down here or anything. I’ll let you know who he is when I’m good and ready.’ Feeling sorry for her father, she added, ‘But we can talk about other things as much as you like—about work or the weather or politics. Just not about men and marriage.’

  Her doorbell rang and she looked out of the window. Neil was standing on the doorstep, looking rather grim and serious.

  ‘Dad, I need to go,’ she said quickly. ‘Love you—I’ll talk to you later.’ She disconnected the call and ran to the door.

  ‘Hi!’ she said, hoping she didn’t sound as breathless as she felt.

  Neil felt his heart twist painfully within his chest. He’d thought long and hard after she’d left, and come to the conclusion that the only thing to do was give Shefali a fair chance to break up with him. He’d have to be careful. She’d been hurt once already, and he’d have to make sure her pride wasn’t bruised further.

  ‘Can we talk?’ he asked slowly.

  ‘Yes, of course. Come in—don’t stand there on the doorstep. Is Nina feeling better now?’

  ‘She is,’ he said. ‘She’s sitting up and taking notice, and she’s been asking for mashed eggs for dinner.’

  Shefali laughed. Nina loved soft-boiled eggs, mashed up with a spoon and served with salt and no pepper—she would happily eat peanut butter sandwiches and mashed eggs for every meal if allowed to.

  ‘She definitely sounds better,’ she said. ‘I’ll pop by and say hello to her tomorrow.’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Neil said, wondering how to begin.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said abruptly. ‘You were right. I was way out of line when I told those women that we’re engaged.’

  Shefali felt her heart thud painfully in her chest. Neil’s expression was somber—as if he was thoroughly regretting the afternoon’s outburst.

  ‘So does that mean you’re going to jilt me?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice light and failing miserably. ‘After all that talk about us not splitting up after all?’

  Neil winced. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I do want to marry you, but I realise I’ve put you in a spot. You might not want to marry me—God knows I’m not the catch of the season.’

  ‘Do I have a choice now that you’ve gone and told the biggest gossip in town that we’re engaged?’ Shefali asked, the words coming out sharper than she’d meant them to. ‘Three people have called me already to ask me if it’s true.’

  Not to mention that she’d told her parents she’d met someone. But that hadn’t been because of Debjani’s gossiping. It was just that after Neil had said that they might make the engagement real, she’d started thinking that way. And she’d wanted her parents to know that she could manage without them—that she’d found someone she could be happy with.

  Her feelings towards Neil were more muddled than ever. For the last few hours she’d been convinced that she was in love with him. Now she felt like killing him. But the love was still there, turning bitter and beginning to hurt in a way that nothing had hurt her before.

  ‘We’ll work that out,’ Neil said quietly. ‘Like I said, if you don’t want to go through with it we can make it look like you were the one who changed your mind.’

  ‘I’m not going to lie about it,’ Shefali replied. Her voice was firm, but she was a miserable mess inside, convinced that Neil was trying to wriggle out of their engagement. Pride made her go on. ‘If I have to, I’ll call Debjani and tell her the truth—you were angry and you said the first thing that came into your head.’

  Neil bit his lip. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected—reassurance, perhaps, that Shefali did actually want to go through with the wedding? It wasn’t forthcoming. She looked distinctly upset, but that seemed to be more about the potential embarrassment of a second broken engagement than the thought of not marrying him.

  ‘So what do you want to do?’ he asked finally. He was damned if he was going to let her know how much this mattered, but it was a struggle keeping his expression impassive.

  ‘I don’t know!’ Shefali said, her real feelings breaking through for a moment. ‘I’m confused! I need more time to think!’

  ‘Let’s leave things as they are for the time being, then,’ he said, rallying at the thought of a temporary reprieve. ‘Take your time—we don’t owe anyone an explanation.’

  ‘Or we can tell them the truth,’ Shefali said flatly. ‘That we were seeing each other but it wasn’t ever meant to be serious.’

  ‘That’s completely daft,’ Neil said, on the verge of losing his temper. ‘We’ve discussed this. There’s no point exposing you to the gossip of a bunch of—’ His brow creased with worry. ‘You’ve been through a lot already. I don’t want to—’

  ‘It’s not important,’ Shefali cut in. ‘God knows, I should be immune to gossip by now.’ She turned away and began fiddling with the curtains at the large window that overlooked the school playground. Her eyes were beginning to fill up slowly, and she desperately wanted to be alone. ‘Nina’ll be waiting for you,’ she said over her shoulder. ‘You should get back home.’

  ‘Shefali...’ he said, wanting to take her in his arms but holding back all the same. ‘We can sort this out,’ he tried.

  But Shefali had had enough. ‘I think you should go,’ she said again, and resolutely kept her face turned away until she heard the door shut behind him.

  The tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks now, and she leaned her head against the windowframe, silent sobs shaking her body. Neil didn’t want to marry her and she didn’t blame him—he’d offered out of misplaced chivalry and she’d been a fool to take him seriously. She tried to wipe away her tears, but more kept falling, and there was a physical pain in the region of her heart. The intensity of her own reaction scared her. She seemed to have no control either over her tears or over the feeling of utter devastation that had swept over her at Neil’s words. She didn’t even have the energy to feel angry with herself, or to drag herself away from the curtain and back to her bedroom.

  It would probably have made her feel better to know that Neil wasn’t in much better shape. Shefali’s reaction had confused him—she’d clearly been upset, only he wasn’t sure if that was because of the ridiculous situation he’d got her into or because she’d been hurt by his clumsy attempt to give her a way out of it.

  He replayed their conversation in his mind. She’d been happy to see him, so she couldn’t have been that upset by their ‘engagement’—she’d only got agitated when he’d said that pretending to be engaged was a mistake, and the confidence he’d felt in his decision had begun to ebb very rapidly. Shefali had clearly been upset—far more upset than when he’d been out of line, mouthing off to Debjani. So maybe... A ridiculous little tendril of hope started unfurling in the region of his heart.

  He was at the end of the lane the school was in, and he turned back to look up at Shefali’s flat. It was nearing dusk, and he could see her slim figure silhouetted against the curtain in exactly the same position that he’d left her in. There was an appearance of utter defeat in her stance, and Neil suddenly couldn’t take it any more.

  Shefali jerked away from the window in shock when he came up the stairs two at a time and pushed open the door. Her cheeks were still tear-stained, and her hands instinctively went up to cover her face. The vulnerability of the gesture stripped the last of Neil’s doubts away, and he crossed the room in two quick strides to take her in his arms.

  ‘Don’t,’ he said, as she made to push him away. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

  He took her into his arms and this time she didn’t resist. For the moment she felt too broken to be anything other than grateful for the strong arms around her. She felt completely drained, but the tears weren’t stopping, and they were washing away the confidence sh
e’d carefully built up over the last two months.

  Neil didn’t say anything, just held her close and stroked her hair till her sobs finally faded into silence. Even then he kept holding her, handing her a tissue to dry her face and then pulling her closer and pressing his lips to her hair.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said once again, and Shefali finally pulled back to look into his face.

  ‘Why did you come back?’ she asked quietly.

  The embarrassment of having spent a good fifteen minutes crying into his chest was beginning to hit her. If he was here just to make himself feel better about ditching her she’d made an utter fool of herself. She began to feel the stirrings of anger within her—both at herself for making her feelings so apparent and at Neil for rejecting a chance of happiness together.

  ‘Well?’ she prompted when Neil didn’t reply.

  Neil pushed a hand through his thick hair. ‘I don’t know,’ he admitted honestly. ‘I just couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I guess I don’t really know what I want for myself, but I do want you to be happy.’

  ‘You don’t want to be with me,’ Shefali said flatly. ‘I think you made that quite clear. You can’t force yourself to feel differently, and I don’t blame you for that. Instead of feeling sorry for me you should just put the whole thing out of your head. You’re only complicating things for both of us.’

  ‘I do want to be with you!’ he said, so forcefully that Shefali looked up in surprise. ‘I thought it’d be best for you if I stayed away, but you evidently don’t feel the same.’ He allowed himself a brief smile. ‘Oh, and by the way, if I’m feeling sorry for anyone it’s myself, so you can get off your high horse.’

  In spite of the mixed emotions raging through her, Shefali couldn’t help laughing a little at the last sentence. He was right—that was what rankled the most: the thought that he might be pitying her.

  ‘So that’s OK, then,’ she said, this time actually managing to keep her voice steady and her tone light. Well done, Shefali, she said to herself. Maybe a career on the stage is within reach after all. ‘If you’re not feeling sorry for me, you’re forgiven. But I don’t get it—why do you think it’d be better for me if you stayed away? You were worried about Nina earlier, but she seems fine with it, so...’