by Susan Soares
Once I’d managed to get back inside my apartment, I took a moment to survey the kitchen as I wondered where I could stash the goods. Because even though I had to go out and get them, I didn’t want to consume them, not yet anyway. I just needed them to be here. They had to be accessible. They had to be ready for me. The kitchen was no good, so I walked cautiously to the bathroom. After clicking the lock of the doorknob, I focused my attention to the sink, particularly to the cabinet doors under the sink. Fiona never went in there since it was where all the cleaning products were, and Fiona didn’t clean the bathroom—ever.
After removing the tampons and magazine, I folded the bag several times over itself and placed it behind a row of cleaning supplies. I could get through the night knowing that it was there. Somehow, I had the strength to meander back to bed. The itch was gone, and the desire to consume the candy was slowly fading away as I lay down in my bed and my thoughts were no longer tormented by Mrs. Emerson’s face.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I wanted to surprise Devin, especially after the night he’d given me with Amy Parkson and the moonlit lake. It’d been almost perfect. I thought about some of the things he seemed to love: the beach and history. So when I found a beach that also had structures that were from World War I and World War II for soldiers to protect their grounds, I thought it would be the perfect marriage of two things he enjoyed. In my mind, I pictured us exploring the historic structures as we walked along hand in hand with the smell of the sea air in the background. It was a bit of a drive, but I knew it would be totally worth it.
“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?” he asked for the second time since we had started our drive.
I shook my head. “Nope. A surprise is a surprise. You just sit back and relax.”
He shifted in his seat. “It’s hard to relax in this tiny thing. Could you have gotten a smaller car?”
My car was one of those super compact deals. It worked just fine for me, but Devin’s knees were a bit scrunched up, and the top of his head was only an inch or so from the top of the car. “You can adjust the seat,” I suggested.
“Nah, that’s fine. Your car, your adjustments.”
“But I never sit in the passenger side.”
He shrugged. “True, but if I make changes over here, it might alter your peripheral view.” A beat later, he added. “Plus, I’m afraid if I touch one of these buttons, I’ll be ejected from the roof.”
I laughed. “Well then, forget about relaxing and just sit tight. We’ll be there soon.”
“Be where exactly?”
“Be where we’re going,” I said with a wink.
We drove another thirty minutes before I started seeing signs for Fort McKenny. I could see him looking at the signs as well, and I hoped he didn’t already know about the place. That hadn’t crossed my mind before. Since he was into history, maybe he did. Maybe it was all a failed effort. Maybe he’d already been there a bunch of times.
“Where are you taking me, pretty lady?”
I sighed with relief. “Patience, my sweet. Patience.”
We drove a little further down a windy road before coming to a small booth where we had to pay for parking. After paying the ten dollars for the all-day pass, we drove through to a dirt parking lot. When we exited the car, I was hit with the smell of the warm salty air of the ocean. Devin was too, as I heard him take a big inhalation. I saw his eyes catch the sign that directed walkers towards the beach.
“So, the beach and you. I’ve gotta say, you sure know what I like.” His eyes glimmered with excitement.
“I have a picnic basket in the trunk. We can come back for it later,” I said as we crossed over a grassy area to make our way closer to beach.
“Ah, this is an all-day adventure then?”
“If that’s okay.”
He wrapped my body next to his and kissed me softly. “All day with you?” He kissed me again, deeper this time. “I’m pretty sure I’m okay with that.” His hand slid down to the small of my back, and I felt a flutter in my lower body. Damn, everything about his touch was electric.
We walked towards the open rocky beach. The early day cast a low fog out over the water. It was mysterious and beautiful. Boats would appear like ghost ships passing in and out of the fog. Pieces of crab legs and starfish lined the shore where we walked while our shoes squished in the wet sand. Carefully, we explored the rocky parts of the shore, stepping from slippery rocks to dry rocks as we crossed from one beach area to the next.
“It’s so beautiful. I mean, it looks like they should film a movie here or something. The long, rocky beaches, the soft sand.” My breath was taken away at the solitude I felt here. I wanted to stand there forever. With Devin by my side and sea air in my hair.
“Yeah, it’s so wide and expansive. Makes me want to stand here forever.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled. An internal smile warmed my body at Devin saying the same thing I’d been thinking. I loved when that happened. The more time we spent together, the more in sync I felt with him. In a way I’d never felt before. Not with any other guy, or girl even. Not even with Haley or Fiona. Something about Devin just fit with me, and when I relaxed and let myself absorb that feeling, it was like I was floating. I wanted to bottle that feeling to keep it with me always.
“So do we go further or head back the way we came?” he asked.
I knew my surprise was one section away. “We go further,” I said.
We crossed over another rocky area. The low rocks on this section were wet and slippery, and we had to step carefully. After embarking over the terrain, we came to another open section of beach. Devin’s brows furrowed when he saw the large stone structure at the top of the sand line. “What’s that?”
My body was ready to burst with excitement. “That’s what we came to see.” I took the lead, and he followed. We walked up the beach to the mound where the structure sat. We walked on it, climbing up a stone staircase that led to an opening that overlooked the ocean. “This is all from World War One, wait, no I think it’s World War Two. I guess these were like bunkers or something that soldiers camped out in. They’d stay here and watch for the enemy that might be coming at them from the sea.” All the information I’d pulled from the internet now escaped my brain.
Devin walked slowly. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and I had to grab him by his arm to lead him forward. “I guess they used to have their weapons here,” I said as we crossed into another small area. “But they scrapped all that stuff after the war.” We crouched down into a smaller area that had stone cut-outs just big enough to see out of, or position a gun out of, I supposed. “I think there’s a locked area underneath here where they’d take turns sleeping while the other guys were on lookout.” I touched the stone walls. “It’s amazing to think that American soldiers were here. That they touched this stone.” My hands rubbed the rough surface and I imagined a soldier from World War Two having leaned against that same surface while he protected our country.
Devin had moved back towards the opening from which we came. When I saw him exit, I followed after him. “I guess there’s a really big tower just up the hill to the left.” I said looking for the tower. “Oh, there it is. You can climb all the way to the top. You up for it?” I asked but Devin was already walking down and away from me. His pace quickened as he headed back towards the beach. “Devin?” I shouted as I raced to catch up to him. I had to run to meet him at the soft sand. “Hey, is everything okay?” I touched his arm, and he recoiled from me.
“What?” His eyes looked back at the structure we’d just come from.
“Are you okay?” I asked again my voice soft and timid.
He stood staring at the structure. His chest began to rise and fall in rapid succession. His eyes were almost glazed, and he looked completely lost in thought.
“Seriously, are you okay?” A small popping sound came from just beyond us. It sounded like it was from the parking lot above us; like a car having trouble starting up.
Then there was a loud bang like a car backfiring, and as soon as the sound hit the air, I felt my body hit the sand. Devin was on top of me pinning me down. His hand covered my mouth and bits of sand mashed into my lips.
“Stay down!” he commanded. “You won’t make it if you’re in their line of fire.” His eyes darted from the sea to the air to the ground.
I kicked my feet underneath him and tried to pull his hand from my mouth but his grip was too strong.
“Stay down!” he shouted again. “Do you want to get yourself killed?!” Then he looked down at me, and in a split second, I saw reality cross his face. His eyes changed from hard steel to sorrowful. He pulled his hand off my mouth, and granules of sand scraped my lips. “What have I done?” He catapulted his body off of me and ran back the way we came.
“Devin, wait!” I yelled as I scurried to get myself up off the ground. He was already at the first rocky impasse when I got myself to standing. I tried to be quick but careful as I navigated the wet rocks. Once I crossed the first rock section and landed on the beach, I saw Devin sprint-walking. He wasn’t that far ahead. From running track in high school—always anchor leg—I knew I could catch up to him. I ran across the last section of beach just as he hit the next rocky wall. He reached the top of the rocks, and I watched his body move out of sight. With effort, I tried to speed up, but the combination of that effort and wet rocks sent my foot sliding down and out from under me.
“Devin!” I shouted as I crashed down on my ass. My ankle was screaming in pain and my stomach turned when I looked at my ankle and saw blood pooling around the wound I’d gotten from a rock’s sharp edge.
“What happened?” Devin’s voice was hard and militant like before as he rushed to my side.
“I…I slipped,” I spat out.
“Damn it!” he shouted. Then he grabbed the bottom of his shirt and tore off a section of it in one quick jerk. He wrapped the cloth around my ankle and tied it tightly around the wound. “Get on my back,” he barked.
“What?” I stammered still dumbfounded over the fact that he just ripped his shirt.
“Now!”
At his commanding yell, I climbed onto his back. “Hold on tight.”
I did as he said, and he quickly and safely navigated the rest of the rocks. He sprinted us down the next beach section and kept going all the way to my car. He sat me in the passenger seat and grabbed my bottled water. I sat silently as he took the bloody cloth off my ankle, washed off the wound with the water, and tore off another chunk of his shirt, which he used to rewrap the wound.
“Keys?” he said, and I handed him my car keys.
He shut my door and came around to the driver’s side. He threw the car into drive, and we were off. We barreled down the road, sending dirt spitting up into the air. I sat frozen and clutched onto the door handle as Devin drove. His body was like solid rock, and his legs and arms were completely crammed up from the seat being too close to the steering wheel for him. Even though he’d never been to Fort McKenny before, he was somehow able to navigate us all the way back to my place. The entire car ride was silent.
After parking, he walked over to the passenger side and opened the door, escorting me out. He wrapped one of my arms around his shoulders and we walked up to my apartment. “Don’t put too much weight on it,” he instructed.
I did as he said. When we got to my place, he opened the door and he brought me over to the couch and helped to lay me down, placing my foot up on a pillow. “Do you have a first aid kit?” he asked.
“In the hall closet, right near the bathroom.” I watched him dart to the bathroom the second the words were out of my mouth.
I tried to keep my heartbeat under control, but I was sure the entire room could hear it. Within thirty seconds, Devin was back with the first aid kit. He opened it and removed some alcohol wipes, bandages, and gauze. He took the cloth wrap off my ankle, and I stayed still and stiff as he cleaned and dressed my wound.
He sat holding my foot in his hands. His touch was gentle. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “Devin?” His name came out like a question, as I felt unsure of who was sitting near me. This wasn’t the guy I’d fallen in love with. This was someone else.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
I shifted to sit up closer to him. “Please, Devin.” I put my hand on his arm. “What happened out there?”
“Seriously, Mallory, I can’t talk about it,” he said through clenched teeth.
The door opened just as I was about to speak. “Hey, what’s up?” Fiona said as she moved closer to us.
Devin closed the first aid kit, and then he looked at me. His eyes filled with sorrow and confusion. We held each other’s gaze for a moment.
“Guys? What’s up?” Fiona said again.
Devin stood. “Keep an eye on her ankle, okay?” he said to Fiona before holding a kiss on my forehead, and then he left.
When he did, the click of the door closing caused a fissure in my heart.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The morning sun shone through my blinds. I hadn’t slept all night. My phone still lay on my pillow near my head. The five unreturned texts I’d sent to Devin throughout the night mocked me. My head pounded behind my eyes. Once I peeled back the bandage off of my ankle, I saw the cut, still raw like my heart. The entire day before seemed like a blur. It went from being an amazing, romantic time to a nightmare within a blink of an eye. The backfiring car obviously triggered something for Devin. Something that was very deep and very scary. Something I was afraid to see again.
After redressing my wound, I strolled to the kitchen where Fiona was making her usual breakfast—a cereal concoction and a cup of coffee. “How’d you sleep?” she asked while taking a spoonful of cereal into her mouth.
“Didn’t.” I sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.
Fiona wiped milk from the corners of her mouth with a paper towel. “Did he text you back?”
I shook my head.
“Give it time. I mean, it sounds like it was pretty intense.” She took a sip of her coffee and poured me a cup.
Grateful, I downed half the mug in one shot. “Intense is an understatement for what happened. I mean, he totally wasn’t himself.” In that moment, the Devin I knew had completely vanished. I was just thankful he snapped back enough to help me after I hurt myself.
“Like I said, give it time.”
“Sure.”
She rubbed her thumb around the floral design on her mug. “You’re still okay, right?” She wouldn’t look at me. “Nothing going on that I should know about?”
Meaning: had I fallen off the eating disorder wagon?
“No. I told you everything’s fine.”
“Because you promised—”
“I remember.” I slid off the stool and plodded back to my bedroom with my coffee in one hand and phone in the other.
“Hey,” Fiona called out as I reached my doorway. “Give it a little time.”
I nodded and shut my bedroom door behind me.
Even though I already knew the outcome, I scrolled through the messages and notifications of my phone anyway. No missed calls, no missed voicemails, no missed texts, and no missed emails. No way to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling, what he was doing, where he was, what he wanted. Nothing. It was like being on a deserted island waiting for a message in a bottle. How much time would he take to get to me?
***
“It’s gonna take me a while to get to you,” I said to Haley who had called me just after I finished track practice. She’d left school early with Jason Freedmont. I never understood why because Jason was a loser. He was beyond a loser. He was also a slacker and a stoner.
“Well, drive fast!” she yelled. “I’m half-fucking-naked here!”
I told her I’d be as quick as possible, and I hung up. Jason had taken her to some club that he’d been able to sneak into with a piss-poor fake I.D. After convincing her to have sex with him in the
ladies’ bathroom, he swiped her purse—and just to make sure she couldn’t chase after him, he grabbed her shirt and bra—and took the hell off. Piece of shit. Thank God she’d had her phone in her pants pocket.
Forty-five minutes later, I was fighting with a bouncer to let me into the club. He thought I was trying to run some sort of scam on him. I had to describe Jason and show him a photo of Haley before he agreed to let me in, but he had to escort me to the ladies’ room to keep an eye on me.
“Haley?” I called out.
“Mal? Thank God you’re here!”
I walked over to the stall from where I heard her voice, and I passed her an extra hoodie I’d had in my car. “So when do you want me to start the lecture?” I said, when she walked out. My shirt—which was a size small—was hanging off her. Her eyes were sunken, and her cheekbones were so pronounced you could practically cut yourself on them.
“Don’t start, okay? Do you have any mints?” she asked as she walked over to the sink. I bit my lower lip as I watched her cup water in her hands and move it to her mouth to rinse. She wiped her hands and face dry with a paper towel. “So do you have any mints, or what?”
My heart hurt as I reached in my purse and pulled out the tiny box of super strong mints. I knew why she needed one. She’d been purging while she waited for me. Probably more than once. That was her new thing. Purging as much as possible. But I knew she wasn’t binging first. She wasn’t eating at all. And I was afraid. I was more afraid than I’d ever been before.
The first fifteen minutes of our drive home, we were silent. I wanted to talk to her, but I was scared and I felt like a hypocrite. Who was I to lecture her when I was still binging and purging? Why the hell should she listen to me? How could I talk to her about control when I couldn’t control myself?
