by Susan Soares
“Can I say something without you getting mad?” I had to try.
She rolled down her window and pulled a pack of cigarettes from her purse—her newest venture. “Okay, but when you start a sentence like that, you’re kind of guaranteeing that I’ll be mad.” She lit the tip of the cigarette and took in a short drag. “But go ahead.” She exhaled out the window.
“I’m worried.”
“About what?” Her voice was casual and aloof.
I cleared my throat. “About you.”
“Me?” She made a grand gesture towards herself. “I’m fine.” She inhaled longer as she clutched the cigarette between her teeth.
“You’re not fine.”
She made a pffftttt sound and waved me off.
“I’m serious, Haley! Do you think screwing Jason in the stall of some club is fine?”
Pffftttt.
“You think puking your guts out when you haven’t even eaten is fine?”
“Hey!” she snapped and pointed a finger at me. “If you’d left school with me when I asked you to, I wouldn’t have gone with Jason!” She shoved the cigarette in her mouth and took a deep drag before blowing the smoke in my direction.
I waved the smoke out of my face. “You’re blaming this on me?” My hands twisted tighter around the steering wheel.
“I asked you to ditch with me!”
“And I told you I couldn’t!”
“Right.” She flicked the cigarette out the window. “Because you had track practice with your track friends.” She practically gagged on the words track and track friends.
“We have a meet coming up! I had to!” My fingers were turning white on the steering wheel.
“Whatever. I’m over it.” She leaned back in the seat.
The road started to blur through my tears, and I had to pull over.
“What are you doing?” she asked with annoyance in her tone.
“Haley, are you okay or not? I mean, every time I see you now, I’m afraid it’s going to be the last time. I mean what does your mom say? She must see the changes—”
Haley leaned over to me and took one of my hands. “Hey, hey I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been a bitch. I was just…just fucking pissed at Jason, and at myself I guess.” She turned my face so I could look at her. “I’m okay Mallory. Really. Shit’s been crazy, but I’m getting it all together again. Really I am. I just need a little time. Just give me a little time, okay?” She batted her tired gray eyes at me and her little bow mouth turned into a sweet smile. The kind of smile that would make someone who had just won the lottery hand over their giant check to her. “Just give me a little time.”
She was my best friend, so I put my faith in that million-dollar grin and said, “Okay. A little time.”
Only I didn’t know then that that was all she had left; a little time.
***
The door to Casper’s apartment was open when I walked up to it. Two guys carrying a love seat walked towards me. “Watch it, honey,” one of them said to me.
I slid to the side to let them pass. The entryway of the apartment was lined with boxes labeled kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. Was Casper moving? Without telling me? Was I walking in to be told I’d lost my job? The best paying part-time job on the planet? Casper’s daughter walked towards me with a large white laundry basket in her hands.
“Oh, hey,” she said. “The dogs are in the back area. My dad’s not here.”
Panic started to set in. Had he already left? “Um, are you guys moving?” There was an audible quiver in my voice.
She set the laundry basket down near the row of boxes, and I noticed it wasn’t filled with laundry but with books. “What?” she asked after standing up and moving her straight, blonde hair behind her ears. “Oh, not my dad. Just me.”
Relief washed over me. “Cool.”
“Yeah, independence, you know? Gotta cut the cord sometime.” Her eyes shifted to one of the moving men who was grabbing an end table. “I forgot to empty the drawers in that one, so be careful.” She batted her long eyelashes to cover up her error. The guy rolled his eyes, but after she batted her lashes one more time, he let out a little smile.
I waved goodbye and moved to the back area to find the dogs. They were in the doggy playroom, and once I entered their space, they all made a beeline for me. Apparently, my energy wasn’t peaceful since they were all trying to jump on me at once. With purpose, I tried to regulate my breathing and get them all to sit before I attached their leashes. After five minutes of failed effort, I gave up and just hooked them all one by one while they jumped and circled and wreaked havoc around me.
The walk was like any other. Basically, it was a pulling competition between them and me. My forearms had to be the most toned area of my body because they got more of a workout than any other part of me. But still, the dogs never asked much of me, and that’s part of why I liked them so much. Prancer had stopped to do his business, and I was prepped and ready with a disposable doggy poop bag. As I bent down to clean up the mess, my phone buzzed. Devin! One hand held the leashes, and the other hand dropped the bag as I clambered to grab my phone. It was on its third ring, which meant that if I didn’t answer it before the fourth, it would go to voicemail and then get kicked out since my voicemail was full. Just as I retrieved it and attempted to slide it to answer, Vixen pulled the group forward and the phone jetted out of my hand. I watched it turn end over end in slow motion before crashing into the mound Prancer had left behind. Crawling on my hands and knees, I tugged the dogs over to the phone. With the doggy bag, I pulled it out of the mess only to see the call I missed was from my dentist. Dropping back to my heels, I hung my head low, and it took all I had to fight the tears that were already coming.
***
Four days had passed since the incident at the beach with Devin. Every hour ticked by like days. Fiona had been keeping a very close eye on me. She was worried something like this might set me off on a bad path of destruction—to myself. I’d spent two days by myself trying to kill time, walking the dogs more than necessary, going to the bookstore, going to Perked, even going back to take a few yoga classes at Zen, but it wasn’t enough. That low itching feeling in the pit of my stomach was so close to grabbing hold of me and consuming me. I’d tried calling Devin twice a day. That was with huge restraint on my part. I texted him a few times, too. But I got nothing in return. On the third day, Fiona was so worried that she went so far as to bring me to work with her. She’d told her boss that I was going through some extreme shit or something and I needed to be around her. So for two days while she worked her shift, I sat in a booth where she could keep an eye on me as I picked at the salads she would bring me. She was right about one thing; the customers didn’t seem to treat her as rudely as I thought they would. Thank God.
At home, I lay in bed thinking of Devin. The way his body merged with mine that night after the Amy Parkson concert. It took all that I had not to tell him I loved him that night, but that little part of me that held onto my secrets and my pain inside of me wouldn’t let the words come out. There was a moment where we just stared into each other’s eyes as we lay there, and in that moment, I felt like we’d said it without any words at all.
“Knock, knock,” Fiona said as she came into my room. “You okay?”
I shrugged as Fiona sat down next to me on my bed. She pursed her lips out and looked from me to the wall and back again. The look that always meant she had something to tell me.
“What is it?” I moaned.
Her eyes softened at me. “I kind of need your help with something.”
“I figured that. With what?”
“Well, how do you feel about going to our folks’ Friday night?”
“Ugh,” I groaned “To hear my dad badger me about college? No thanks.”
Fiona pursed her lips again. “It’s kind of a birthday party for my mom.”
“It’s your mom’s birthday?” I sat up.
“Well, not till next week, but I wanted to s
ort of throw her off. I invited some of her closest friends. Your dad said he’d be there. He even offered to help out.”
“Shocker,” I said, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to my chest.
Fiona laughed. “Seriously, I know. But I think he really wants to. Mom’s been feeling like shit for a week now. I guess this pregnancy’s been really tough on her.”
Fiona’s face showed genuine concern for her mother. “How long have you been planning this?”
“All week. I didn’t want to bring it up since you’ve been dealing with all this Devin stuff. But I’d really love it if you came. And we’d all love it if you baked a super, awesome cake?” Her voice lilted.
How could I say no to her? She’d been so good to me the past few days. I could go to the store the next day and get everything I’d need. That way I’d have the cake ready to go since Friday was the day I normally walked the dogs twice. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about the dessert.
“Of course,” I said.
She squeezed me tightly. “You’re the best. It’s all going to work out. I promise.” She kissed her fingertips and then pressed them to my forehead before leaving my room.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Janet wouldn’t be happy with a plain vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. She had a more sophisticated palette. So I planned on making a Meyer lemon cake with lavender cream and vanilla glaze. Most of the ingredients were easy to get from my local grocery store. Meyer lemons, eggs, cake flour, heavy cream. For the fancy ingredients—local mild honey and dried lavender blossoms—I headed to a small eclectic grocery store just outside of town.
On my way back home, I’d planned on stopping by Perked to grab a coffee for an afternoon pick-me-up and possibly a “bite” to eat. That’s when I saw him. Devin. His car was second in a row of cars sitting at the light just across from me. My heart melted into gelatinous goo as he drove past me without even a glance in my direction. Perked was right near my house. Had he come to see me? Had he stopped by while I was out? Had I missed him? Damn it! With one hand, I grabbed my phone to see if there was a text or call I’d missed. Nothing. When the light turned green, I banged an illegal U-turn, which started a domino of car horns blasting in my direction.
My car was two car lengths behind Devin. Blood surged through my veins, and I felt weightiness in my head that practically fogged my vision. It had been days, days without any contact from him whatsoever. Didn’t he know that was killing me? I’d played the beach scene over and over again in my head. I’d wondered how things would be today if I’d never taken him to that stupid beach. If I’d never unlocked the darkness that crossed his eyes that day. We’d probably be naked in my bed declaring our love for each other right now. Why had I been so stupid?
The cars in front of me had long gone, and as Devin turned down the side streets that led to his house, I kept my distance. Once he turned onto his road, I instinctively sped up. I feared I was going to lose him, and I couldn’t lose him.
He’d parked his car and had exited as I pulled my car in behind him. His face went pale, and he immediately began moving backwards towards his car.
“Devin,” his name came out like a shriek. Stay in control here. You don’t want to look crazy or anything.
He walked towards me. “Mallory,” his voice was low.
“Did you lose your phone or something?” Hot tears stung at the back of my eyes. “Because for some reason I keep trying to reach you, and for some reason you don’t want to reach me back.”
“I’m sorry. I just…” He looked at me. His eyes held so much that his mouth couldn’t seem to say. He kept opening his mouth to speak only to snap it shut over and over again. “Fuck,” he cried out before turning on his heel and booking it for the gate that led to his backyard.
Splinters wrenched into my hand as I clasped the gate firmly as I followed Devin. “Please don’t walk away from me,” I pleaded, annoyed at the pathetic sound of my voice.
“Damn it, Mallory you don’t get it!” He paced back and forth, his hands glued to his head.
My heart pounded inside my head, and I felt like I couldn’t hear things clearly. “What, Devin? What don’t I get?” My voice broke on almost every word.
“You got hurt, Mallory! On my watch!” His voice boomed like a megaphone through the backyard. He stopped and tried to compose himself. His head faced the ground, and his breathing slowed to a deep, restful state. “I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you all my secrets.”
“Don’t you trust me?” I crossed to him and placed a hand on his bicep, which immediately tightened.
His eyes met mine, and there was a fear inside them so strong it made me step back. Just as he was about to speak, his mother’s voice cut through the tension in the air. “Devin! Oh, hi Mallory. Devin, can you help me get the groceries from the car, please?”
“I’ll be right there,” he called back to her. He met my eyes again. “I can’t do this right now. Not with my mom here.”
I nodded as a tear fell down my cheek. “I get it.” My feet moved back from him.
“Wait. Tomorrow afternoon, okay? Will you meet me here?”
“And you’ll be ready to talk to me?”
“Devin, you coming?” Lucille called from inside the house.
“Okay?” he said to me again.
I wasn’t sure if I believed him or not, but I nodded as I walked away.
***
When I walked into the apartment, I was met with Fiona’s eyes. “Hey, you. Is that for the cake?” she asked pointing to the bags in my hands.
Hearing her voice was the last thing I could handle. Her sweet, sisterly voice. The bags slowly slipped from my fingers and landed with a thud on the ground.
“Mallory? What’s wrong?” Fiona was by my side instantly. Her arms grasped my shoulders as my body curved inward on its way to the ground. “Talk to me!” she shouted.
“I’m just freaking out.” I wiped tears with the back of my hand. “He said tomorrow, but I don’t know if he meant it.”
“Who said? Devin? Did you see him today?”
I nodded. “I think he might have come here, or driven by here at least. I don’t know. I didn’t even get the chance to ask him. He said tomorrow. We’ll talk tomorrow, but it’s bad. Whatever’s coming is really bad.”
Fiona put my head on her shoulder. “It’ll be all right.”
My hands when to my chest. “He’s got my heart, and now I’m so afraid he’s going to crush it into a million little pieces.” I began to hiccup as my breath was labored. At least it snapped me out of crying.
“Did you go drinkin’ after you saw him?” Fiona poked me in the side.
“No.” A wry smile passed my lips. I stayed with my head on her shoulder for another minute. “I should get this stuff together.” I waved at the bags of groceries. “I have to make your mom’s cake.”
Fiona stood up, taking me with her. “Forget it. You just go chill out for a while. Take some DVDs in your room—make sure you get a comedy—and just relax. I’ll take care of the cake.” she proclaimed with her hands on her hips.
I chuckled. “You’re going to make a Meyer lemon cake with lavender cream and vanilla glaze?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
She slapped my arm. “No problem.” She waved freely in the air like it was no big thing. “But I’m going to call it a boxed white cake with canned chocolate frosting!” A triumphant smile donned her face. “Will you be okay here if I go to the store?” her tone softened.
“I’ll be fine. Grabbing the DVDs now,” I said while walking over to the entertainment center.
She winked at me before ducking out. Reluctantly, I grabbed a few movies from our stash. Two comedies and one sad drama just in case I wanted to wallow.
Once in my room, I put the DVDs near my TV before plopping down on my bed. My mind began to cycle around its thoughts Devin’s face. His eyes, so lost and afraid. His body, so tense and rigid. The connection we shared now had a brick wall separating us. All
I wanted to do was put a sledgehammer to that frigging wall and bring us back to where we used to be. To bring us back to safety. But only his words would be able to break that wall, and I still wasn’t sure he was ready to crash though, even if it was to get to me.
A buzz came from my phone as it lay next to me. When I picked it up, I saw the text from Fiona.
If you want me to I can always kick him in the balls for you. Repeatedly. Just say the word!
Even though I tried to fight it, I laughed. No, not yet! I replied.
The phone lay limply in my hand. My heart wanted to hear her voice. Haley’s voice. It’d been a while since I’d let the sound of it invade my soul in the way it did. It was my own secret piece of her that I saved for whenever I needed her. Sort of like carrying her ghost with me at all times. Knowing Fiona would be back from the store shortly, I got up and turned my light off so she’d think I was sleeping. Then I lit a small vanilla-scented candle near my bed. Then I navigated to the voicemail section of my phone and I lay back and listened.
“Saved message-
Hey my love. Are we going to the mall later today? I have to find a dress for my brother’s wedding, but I know everything I try on will just make my butt look huge! Call me back.
Saved message-
Okay, you have to call me back as soon as you get this! You know that guy Ryan from our trig class? He totally wants to go out with you! Be forewarned though. Mary Cooper said he expects to get head by the third date!
Saved message-
I’m going to put on my best singing voice here. A-hem. You are the light of my life! Yooouuu will always be my bff. You have to come over to my house this weekend, beeeecause I love yooouuuu. K? My house. This weekend. Call me back.
Saved message-
Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we weren’t here anymore? Like, would anyone really care? My stepdad’s being an asshole, and I’m ready to just say fuck it and run away or something. No one would miss me if I just disappeared, right? Really, I mean, what would happen if I disappeared?
