by Susan Soares
Saved message-
Okay, you have to call me back as soon as you get this. You know that dude Aaron from my history class? The one that everyone talks about being good in bed? Like he’s the Don Juan of sex or something. Well, you seriously need to call me back because now I can tell you that the rumors are totally—and I mean totally—true.
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My fucking parents are pissing me off. I know you’re at track practice. Why are you always at track practice? Ugh! I need you! This blows. I’m ordering a pizza. Come over when you’re done and bring ice cream.
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There’s not a single thing you could do that would make me not want to be your best friend. Well maybe there is. If you don’t come pick me up and get me out of this friggin’ house with these stupid people, I will no longer be your best friend. Oh, and we need to eat. A lot.
Saved message-
You don’t hate me for yesterday, do you? I wanted to ask you at school, but I was afraid you’d say yes. I know you’re at practice but I just need to know you don’t hate me. It had to be done. We had to get rid of it. You know that, right? We couldn’t keep all that food inside us. It would have made us huge! You know I love you, right? Bff? Call me back so I know you love me too.
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I know it’s one a.m. and you have your phone on vibrate so you can sleep. You and your insomniac issues. But I’m freaking out over here. My brother just announced that he and his wife are having a baby. And they’re moving back in here with my parents! I can’t fucking handle that. He’s always on my case saying I look too skinny and shit. When really, who can look too skinny? Um, not possible. But what the fuck? I mean, if he’s here and his stupid wife’s here too, they’re going to be all over my shit. I won’t be able to hide. And if I can’t hide…you can’t either.
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I’m calling now on purpose because I know you can’t pick up. It’s good that you went on that outing with your track team. It really is. Even if it means leaving me behind. I still love you though, even if you don’t love me back.
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Hey. You know what’s funny? Life. It changes so fast. Don’t you think so? And time. Time is like so long and short all at once. Know what I mean? Nobody knows what I mean. But I finally figured it all out. And I’ll be fine. I promise I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to worry. I just have to go away for a while. When you see me again, I want you to tell me all the things I missed. Can you do that? Pay attention, Mallory. I love you and you’re my bff, don’t ever forget that. I just have to go away for a while but I’ll be fine.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
There were only three treats left in my doggy treat bag as I grabbed it off the counter. I’d made a mental note to buy more later on that day. I left my apartment and headed upstairs to take the dogs for their mid-morning walk. It was going to be a busy day. Between walking the dogs, seeing Devin, and going to the party for Fiona’s mom, I tried to keep my nerves in check but was afraid the dogs would call me out.
At Casper’s apartment, the housekeeper let me in and directed me to the side room. She said I needed to speak to Casper before I left, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I’d assumed he’d be there when I got back so I just hooked the dogs up for their walk and planned on talking to him when I returned.
The pack seemed a bit off. Instead of being highly anxious and jumpy like they normally were with me, they were kind of melancholy. Perhaps they were just feeding off of my energy again. Casper said that whatever I was feeling carried on down through the leash like a telephone wire and connected straight into the dogs. He was probably right. I mean he’d made his entire fortune on that principle as he showed dog owner after dog owner how, within minutes, he could take their out-of-control dogs and transform them into relaxed, obedient pups just by how he held the leash. Often I wondered if Casper spent all his free time doing yoga or something. He’d suggested I try acupuncture once, but the thought of lying half naked on a table with needles sticking out of me totally freaked me out.
The dogs and I walked down past Perked. A guy was walking towards us with a Golden Retriever. I could tell the retriever was a service dog from the vest that was draped across his back. Dancer pulled the pack forward towards the Golden. All the dogs began doing the traditional butt sniff as I tried to untangle all the leashes.
“I’m sorry,” I said as Vixen was all up in the Golden’s behind.
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy said. His voice was deep and soothing. The way his dog stayed totally balanced let me know that his owner was definitely mellow.
Once untangled, I apologized again, and the pack and I moved forward. There wasn’t any time to waste. It was the day I was going to Devin’s house to try to get some answers. As I stayed up all night long wondering about how things would go, once it was here, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it.
When I unhooked the dogs and let them back into their play area, I heard Casper shout from behind me. “Mallory, good, I need to speak with you.”
Something about his tone was off-putting, and I suddenly wanted to leave before he had the chance to talk to me. “Sure, Casper. What’s up?” I tried to sound upbeat.
He wandered over to me, his bald head gleaming from the sunlight coming through the windows. “Exciting news, Mallory! Very exciting!” He clapped his hands together.
“Really? What is it?” Maybe I was getting a raise.
Casper clapped his hands again. “The pack and I are getting a second series!” His hazel eyes beamed.
“That’s great,” I said, wondering how this was going to affect me.
He walked into the dogs’ play area and got down in a squatting position to pet them. “It’s an amazing opportunity. No one else on the Wild Channel has two shows, Mallory, no one.” He kissed Vixen on her head, and she licked his chin.
“Cool.”
He stood and faced me. “Unfortunately, we start right away. I wish we had more time, but we don’t. The crews will be ready to start shooting in two days.” He threw his hands to the top of his head. “Two days and so much to do!” The dogs were circling him excitedly. Apparently even without a leash, his excitement was transferring to them.
“Is there something I can do to help? Give them baths maybe, so they look good for the cameras?” Oh God, he wasn’t going to want me to be on camera was he?
Casper crossed over to me. “You’ve helped enough. I’m grateful for the services you’ve provided. And I’m sure we can find a proper groomer in L.A.” He patted me on the shoulder much like how he patted the pups on their heads when giving them affection.
“L.A.?”
Looking like a curious puppy himself, he cocked his head to the side. “Yes, L.A. With the rest of the pack. The show tapes in Los Angeles, Mallory! I don’t have to be bi-coastal anymore!” A joyous smile spread across his lips.
My stomach dropped out from under me.
Casper reached in his back pocket and pulled out an envelope, which he handed to me. “Thank you for your work. Even if you didn’t manage to bring your most peaceful energy with the dogs, I know they still enjoyed their time with you.”
My hand shook as I took the envelope from him. “So this is it?”
“Why, yes. I have to fly out with them tomorrow.” He stood closer to me and put his hands on my shoulders. A warm, calm vibe transmitted from his body. “Mallory, the secret to your future is to be peaceful. Remember that, okay? Be peaceful. Feel that peace, breathe in that peace, and bathe in it, Mallory. I promise you’ll get there.” He leaned forward and gave me a little hug.
“Okay,” I spat out as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening my waterline. “Okay, thanks,” I stammered while stepping back away from him. Away from the dogs. Away from the security of the job. Away from the predictability. Away from the paycheck. Away from the comfort. Away from it all.
I staggered back down to my apartment, still not really grasp
ing the fact that I just walked the dogs for the last time. Reeling from the fact that I no longer had a job. That I no longer had a paycheck! Once inside my apartment, I opened up the envelope Casper gave me. It contained a promotional photo of him and the entire pack with his autographed signature along with a check paying me for the past week and two weeks extra. Some sort of severance pay, apparently.
Fiona came blowing in behind me with a balloon bouquet practically taking up half of the kitchen. “Hey!” she said as balloons bopped me in the head. “Oh sorry!”
“Are those for your mom’s party? Why didn’t you leave them in the car?”
She shrugged. “I was afraid they’d pop in the heat or something. Or maybe deflate? I don’t know, the balloon guy said not to leave them in the car for more than a half hour.” She tied the balloon strings onto one of the kitchen drawer pulls. “Hey, why has like all the color washed out of your face? Are you sick? Please don’t tell me you’re sick, because you have to come to the party.” She tossed her purse on the kitchen counter.
“I don’t have a job anymore.” I said while looking, at the check that lay limply in my hand.
Fiona grabbed an organic juice from the refrigerator and shook it. “What do you mean? You didn’t get fired, did you?”
My legs felt wobbly so I pulled myself over to one of the stools and sat down. “Casper’s moving to Los Angeles. He’s going to be doing two shows now. He leaves tomorrow.”
“Oh my God! When did you find out?” She cracked the top of the juice bottle open and took a big swig.
“Just now. Right after I walked the dogs. That’s it. I’m done.” I put my elbows up on the counter and held my head in my hands. “What the hell am I going to do? That job was perfect. Part-time and amazing pay.” I looked to her. “I can’t pay my rent anymore if I don’t have that job. I’ll have to move out. I’ll have to move in with my dad. Oh my God, Fiona, I can’t move in with my dad and Janet and the baby!” My lungs began to hyperventilate.
“Okay, okay, calm down,” she said as she moved near me and placed a hand on my back in an attempt to calm me. “We’ll work it out. Hey, I could probably get you a waitressing job.”
I shot her a glare.
“Okay, no waitressing. Well, I wanted to wait for your dad to talk to you tonight, but I guess I’ll just tell you now.” She bit her bottom lip.
“Tell me what?” I plopped my hands down onto the table with a loud thud.
“Well, your dad told me that if I could get you to come back to school with me that he’d pay for your rent.”
I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they’d get stuck. “Wow.” My body fought the urge to flee as I pulled myself off of the stool. “This is all just too much for my brain right now. And I’ve got to go see Devin.” I shoved the check in my purse and grabbed my car keys.
“I’ll see you at the party, right?” she called out as I opened the door.
I nodded. “I’ll see you there.” Closing the door behind me, I felt the wind knock out of me. My only hope was that Devin would be there to give me back my breath.
***
My neck and shoulders ached as I drove to Devin’s. With each street I turned down, bringing myself closer and closer to his house, the drier and drier my mouth became. At a stoplight, I twisted the cap off of my bottled water and downed a huge swig. Water dripped down my mouth and onto my chin. Upon turning down his street, my hands began to spark with pins and needles. When I parked my car, I sat for a moment and stretched my hands out in an attempt to regain normal feeling. As my hands shook, I took one last sip of water before cutting the engine and exiting the car. My legs felt like stone as I walked up to Devin’s front door.
The shrill sound of the doorbell rang through my ears. Each second felt like hours as I stood figuratively naked and visibly shaking on his doorstep. Things were going to change, and I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
The door opened, and I saw Kyle standing before me. He had an ice pop in his hand that matched the red stain surrounding his lips. “Hi,” he said before biting a big chunk off the ice pop.
“Hi, Kyle.” Steady your voice. “Can you get Devin for me?” I bent down to his level and plastered a smile that could’ve rivaled a kindergarten teacher’s on the first day of school on my face.
Red liquid that looked like blood dripped from the corners of his mouth. “He’s gone,” he said before taking another bite.
Maybe I was early. We never planned on a definite time. “Okay, do you know if he’ll be back soon?” I was still bent over and my back started to hurt.
“He’s not coming back. He’s gone, gone.” He pointed to the couch. “See, even all his bed stuff is gone.”
I had to force myself to swallow. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Kyle,” I said as I moved my body up to standing. Then I caught sight of Lucille headed my way.
“Kyle, go take that drippy mess into the kitchen, please.” She shooed him away and then stood poker-faced. “Mallory, I’m sorry, but Devin’s not here.” There was no tone in her voice. No inflection. Nothing.
“Okay, um.” Thoughts swirled in my head, but nothing was cohesive as words were a struggle to come up with. “Will he be back later today?” My eyes darted around for something to hold onto as my body began to sway.
“Mallory, honey, there’s so much you don’t know. So much you don’t understand. All I can tell you is that Devin had to go away for a while. I’m sorry.” She took in a quick breath and opened her mouth as if she had more to say, but instead she exhaled and slowly closed the door and left me lightheaded and alone on her doorstep.
Go away for a while? What type of go away? Why? Where? With all the effort I could muster up, I dragged my feet to carry my body back to my car. My body collapsed into the driver’s seat, and I placed the keys in the ignition. Lucille’s words played on a loop in my brain. Devin had to go away for a while. Go away for a while. Go away for a while.
Suddenly, I knew where my next stop would be. I hoped I’d be able to see the way through my tears.
***
“Hey. You know what’s funny? Life. It changes so fast. Don’t you think so? And time. Time is like so long and short all at once. Know what I mean? Nobody knows what I mean. But I finally figured it all out. And I’ll be fine. I promise I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to worry. I just have to go away for a while. When you see me again, I want you to tell me all the things I missed. Can you do that? Pay attention, Mallory. I love you, and you’re my bff, don’t ever forget that. I just have to go away for a while, but I’ll be fine.”
As I drove, the message played on repeat mode. The words “go away for a while” rang over and over in my head. My wheel cut sharply to the right as I pulled into St. Mary’s cemetery. At a slow five miles per hour, I circled the winding paths as I drove towards the back. My body quivered when I parked at the top of the hill. Late summer air washed over me. It was sticky and sweet and made me long to be at the beach instead of there. Anywhere but there. With gentle feet, as not to disturb anyone, I walked to the large marble headstone. When it was right in front of me, breath burst out of my lungs and left me airless for a beat. It was always a breathtaking moment to stare at Haley’s picture. Her parents had a photograph of her—it was taken a year before she died, but I know they chose it because she was still at a normal weight—and had it etched into the headstone. As I’d done many times before, I read the inscription under her photo. Haley Grace Emerson. Now you are the sun, the wind, and the sky. Forever may your spirit soar.
“Damn it, Haley,” I said as I fell to my knees, weak from emotion. “Is it wrong to swear at the dead? Probably.” I wiped away a tear with the back of my hand. “Well, I don’t care today. Fuck it. Fuck all this.” I choked on my own words. “What you did, Haley, was bullshit, okay? Total bullshit. You could’ve let me know how bad it’d gotten. You didn’t need to take it this far. Yes, I had other friends. Yes, I had to spend a lot of time at the track or with my team. Yes, I
had family shit I had to do. But none of that was reason enough for you to go this fucking far. You left me here to ‘go away.’ Well, that’s just great.” I picked up some loose debris that cluttered around the headstone and tossed it onto the grave nearby. “Do you know how it’s been for me? Are you around me to see the shit that’s gone down? Did you see the stint I did in rehab last year? That was a real fun time. Nothing’s more fun than eating disorder rehab, let me tell ya. Do you know about my dad and Janet? Do you know how terrified I am of college? Of fucking up? Do you know where the hell Devin’s gone to? Because I don’t. I don’t fucking know!” I spat into the air and waved my hands like a freak around my head. “He had to ‘go away,’ and I don’t know what that means because the last time someone had to go away, you downed a bottle of sleeping pills and took my best friend away!” I was on my hands and knees trying to catch my breath. Each burst of air was labored, and I thought I might have been dying. Dying on top of Haley’s grave. How fitting.
In an attempt to regain myself, I closed my eyes and stopped and focused on my breath. I couldn’t die if I was breathing. One, two, three in; one, two, three, out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. The world around me slowly came back into focus.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Ignoring it, I continued breathing. One, two, three in; one, two, three, out. My phone buzzed again. When I took it out and looked at it, I saw a text from Fiona.
On way to Mom’s. Hope it went okay w/Devin. CU soon. <3
“Well, you’re saved by the text,” I said to the etching of Haley. Her wavy hair framed her petite face with perfection. Her gray eyes stared at me hauntingly. Her little mouth that looked like a bow pursed in such a way that it looked like she was hiding a secret. And she was. “Sorry. I’m not sorry for yelling at you. That probably makes me a bad person, but, Haley, I love you. You know that. I just…I’m so scared right now.” I leaned forward and kissed the etched picture, leaving a smear of pink lip gloss on her bow-shaped mouth. Somehow it made her look more alive. With heavy feet and a heavier heart, I walked away from her, again, and started my drive to Janet’s party. All the while feeling the ghost of Haley sticking to me like tar.
