Rock Chick Regret

by Ashley, Kristen

He pulled me to him, put his hand to the small of my back and guided me into the house. Once in, he shut the door, took my hand and we walked into the living room.

  I came to a dead halt at what I saw.

  Eddie was there with Jet. Indy was there with Lee. Big crazy guy Tex was there with some pretty, older, blonde lady. Lastly a short, round, Mexican-American woman was laughing with the pretty, older, blonde lady.

  They all turned to me. I prepared to turn and run.

  Hector felt it, dropped my hand, his arm went around my shoulders and he pulled me tight to his side.

  Now would someone please tell me that, on our very first date, Hector didn’t bring me to a dinner party at his mother’s house?

  “This is Sadie,” Hector told the room.

  Yes, Hector brought me to a dinner party at his mother’s house.

  Then the night, already bizarre in the extreme, got more bizarre.

  The short, round, Mexican-American woman (who I was assuming was Hector’s mother), walked up to me. She stopped right in front of me, her eyes sharp on my face. I felt the Ice Princess arrive back from vacation and start to slide in place but something made me push her out and send her packing again.

  “Hello,” I said softly.

  Then, no kidding, I watched in fascination as tears filled the woman’s eyes.

  Yes, actual tears.

  Her hand came up, started toward my scarred cheek, I pulled in my breath, the hand halted then dropped.

  She sucked in her lips and I saw her biting them, tears still shining in her eyes, she reached out and wrapped her little hand around my casted arm. She held it in front of her, her head tilted down, I couldn’t see but I could tell she was looking at my wrist.

  I leaned a bit forward and asked softly, “Excuse me, but are you all right?”

  Her head came up and she dropped my arm. “You look like a fairy princess,” she whispered in a croaky voice.

  I’d heard that before and I still didn’t know what to say.

  I didn’t get the chance to say anything.

  “Who would hurt a fairy princess?” she asked me as one tear slid down her cheek.

  My body jerked then went solid and, belatedly cluing in after being made fuzzy by the beginning of my crazy date with Hector, I realized she knew I’d been raped.

  Instead of this making me panicked or embarrassed or angry at Hector (or Lee or Indy or Tex or Jet or whoever) for telling her, I leaned even closer to her.

  “Mrs. Chavez,” I said gently but she wasn’t looking at me anymore, her eyes sliced to Hector and she started yelling at him in rapid-fire Spanish.

  Yes, yelling. And, yes, in Spanish.

  I tried to take a step back because, well, she kind of scared me but Hector still had a tight hold on me.

  Then she started waving her arms around and she spun, stalked up to Eddie, got in his face and started yelling at him still in Spanish.

  Then she turned to Lee, wagging her finger at him and then she yelled at him (in Spanish).

  “Mamá,” Hector said low, cutting into her tirade.

  She spun around from wagging her finger at Lee and glared at Hector.

  “Cómo?” she snapped.

  “Sadie’s hungry,” Hector told his mother, throwing me right under the bus.

  “No!” I cried instantly. “No, really, carry on, um… yelling at people. It’s your house. Do whatever you want. I’m good. I’m not hungry at all.”

  She pointed at me and I could tell just by looking at her I was in trouble.

  “You! Too skinny!” she declared, jabbing her finger at me. “We eat. Mi hijo likes curves. Any real man likes curves. We gotta work on your curves!” Then she stomped out of the room and within moments we heard pans crashing and other various extremely loud kitchen noises.

  I scanned the room and everyone was smiling at me, Indy and Jet were both even giggling a little. I didn’t think there was anything to giggle about.

  I looked up at Hector and glared. He was looking down at me and grinning.

  He dipped his face close to mine and whispered, “She likes you.”

  Blooming heck.

  * * * * *

  I got through the dinner at Hector’s mother’s house (her name, by the way, was Blanca and the pretty, older, blonde lady was Nancy, Tex’s girlfriend and Jet’s Mom) with only a few uncomfortable incidents.

  * * * * *

  First, after we all sat down and passed around Blanca’s delicious food and everyone had started eating, Blanca threw her napkin down, stomped to me and snatched my plate right out from under my raised fork. She then stormed around the table, stopping at each platter full of food and mounding more and more on my plate. Then she stalked back to me and dropped my plate in front of me with a curt, “Too skinny!”

  I looked down in horror at the virtual mountain of food on my plate.

  Blanca went back to her seat at the foot of the table (Eddie was at the head, Jet to one side of him, me on the other side) and she started gabbing happily like she hadn’t just made a huge Food Scene.

  When I thought it was safe, I turned to Hector and whispered, “I can’t eat this much food.”

  His eyes cut to me and they were dancing. “Relax, mi cielo, I’ll take care of you.”

  Then, if you could believe it, he did take care of me. Throughout dinner he alternately ate off his plate and (when Blanca wasn’t looking) my plate until both were empty.

  How bizarre was that?

  * * * * *

  I did okay through dinner though it made me feel weird like I felt when I first moved in with Buddy and Ralphie.

  See, these people were friends. In fact, it was clear they’d known each other for years so they were beyond friends. It was hard to describe but since (except for Hector, Eddie and Blanca and, of course, Jet and Nancy) there were no blood ties to bind them and yet they still chose to spend their lives together it was more like a close-knit, happy, relaxed family-of-their-own-devising. They laughed, talked, gossiped, smiled and teased each other with fond affection.

  Outside of Ralphie and Buddy’s friends, I’d never been around anything like it and I didn’t know how to act, what to say. I only knew that the Ice Princess was really not welcome here. I couldn’t click her into place to help me cope even if I wanted to.

  I also knew that New Sadie was not ready for this experience, not even close.

  So I stayed quiet, smiling a little when someone looked at me or there was a joke that I should have laughed at but was too stressed out to relax and be real, like them.

  I felt like an outsider looking in, removed, not unwelcome just that, well…

  I didn’t belong.

  * * * * *

  The second incident happened while everyone was chatting and the stragglers were finishing up their meals.

  Hector had pushed his chair a bit away from the table and to my shock he pulled my casted wrist onto his thigh. Then the tips of his fingers touched the tips of my fingers that were exposed by the cast.

  His touch made me go warm.

  I turned to him and he was looking down at our hands.

  “When do you get this removed?” he asked quietly.

  “Wednesday,” I replied, wanting to pull my hand away if only for sanity’s sake but thinking it might not be a good move at Blanca’s table. I knew one thing, there was no way on earth I was going to survive another scene and I also knew I’d do just about anything to avoid it, including letting Hector touch my hand.

  “Good,” he murmured.

  I swallowed.

  His black eyes came to mine and there was something burning there so strong, I felt my heart start to beat faster.

  “She’s pulling away,” he whispered.

  “Excuse me?”

  He didn’t explain himself, instead he said, “Sadie, you’re safe here. You can be the girl I’ve seen the last few days.”

  Oh my.

  My body tensed and Ice Princess slid into my skin before I could stop her.


  “I don’t know what you mean,” I replied coldly even though I knew exactly what he meant.

  He lifted my casted hand to his mouth and (no kidding, right in front of everyone!) kissed the exposed fingers there.

  Ice Princess melted in a steaming, hot puddle.

  Then he murmured, “You know what I mean.”

  Darn.

  My eyes flitted to the table. Indy was watching me and when my eyes hit hers, hers slid quickly away but I could still see her smile. I saw Tex was also watching me but he didn’t look away. He was grinning at me broadly so it was my eyes that slid away. Unfortunately, they caught Blanca’s and hers were shining with tears (again!).

  Blooming heck.

  I looked back at Hector. “Please let me go,” I whispered.

  He let me go and I took in a relieved breath but it stuck in my throat when his hand went to the seat of my chair. He gave a firm tug which pulled my chair right next to his chair so our thighs were pressed together. Then he sat back and draped his arm around the back of my chair.

  There was no way I could scoot away or put him in deep freeze (which would have been my premier choice) so I just sat there, tense, while everyone tried to pretend they weren’t grinning at each other because of Hector and me.

  So I tried to pretend they weren’t trying to pretend and told myself I could get through the night.

  How much worse could it get?

  * * * * *

  The next incident happened when Blanca started to clear the table.

  Jet and Indy got up to help her.

  I threw my chair back and took that golden opportunity to get away from Hector. I decided I should help clear the table too. Even though I’d always lived in a house with help who cooked for us and cleared our table, I had helped Ralphie and Buddy at their house.

  I could do this.

  Problem was, I had a cast on my arm. Not so easy to stack plates and carry platters still heavy with food even though everyone had finished eating (one thing was certain sure, Blanca was generous with her hospitality).

  Still, it was either help or sit close to Hector’s side, everyone thinking we were something we were not or, we were not going to be after Hector and I had our talk.

  I decided plates were my best bet so, balancing some plates and cutlery precariously, I followed Jet and Indy to the kitchen.

  Disaster nearly struck when I hit Blanca’s kitchen, the plates teetered and some forks and knives fell to the floor.

  Before it could get worse and I had to buy Blanca a new set of stoneware, Indy turned from depositing her load on the counter and deftly grabbed the plates in my hands as Blanca bent down and picked up the cutlery.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Chavez,” I said to her, feeling like an idiot.

  She straightened and ordered, “Blanca, mi hija, you call me Blanca.” Then she put the cutlery in the sink and swept out.

  But Jet was at the sink, rinsing dishes and for some bizarre reason she was giggling.

  I didn’t want to know but I did want to know and not having the willpower to stop myself I asked, “What’s funny?”

  She threw me a dazzling smile (Jet was Eddie’s fiancée, she was blonde, green-eyed and very pretty but when she smiled, she was a heart-stopper).

  “Do you speak Spanish?” she asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Mi hija means, ‘my daughter’.”

  Oh my.

  Blanca just called me her daughter. Her daughter.

  That could not be good.

  I moved closer to Jet. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  Indy giggled a little as Jet handed her a rinsed plate to put in the dishwasher.

  I started to organize the plates and cutlery on the counter so Jet could more easily rinse them.

  “Do, um, Mexican-American women call people that for –?” I started.

  “Nope,” Jet interrupted me. “I didn’t get an hija until…” She looked to the ceiling then finished, “I think it was the third time I saw her.”

  “You win!” Indy cried and then burst out laughing. Without hesitation Jet laughed with her.

  And at that moment, I couldn’t help it, they were so engaging (even though it seriously weirded me out, all of it), I laughed with them.

  Blanca came in depositing more stuff and then started banging around the kitchen again, preparing to serve dessert.

  “Can I do something?” I asked her.

  “Sí, you can make the coffee,” Blanca answered and I was relieved. I could definitely make coffee and do it one-handed. I’d had loads of practice at that at Buddy and Ralphie’s place.

  She showed me where to find the coffee stuff then swept out again, carrying dessert plates.

  Immediately, when Blanca left, on a whisper I asked Jet, “Do you speak Spanish?”

  “A little,” Jet replied, squirting dishwashing liquid into a dirty pot and then turning the tap into it.

  “What does mamita mean?”

  She looked me, eyes knowing, and grinned big. “It means ‘little mama’, it’s an endearment, like a guy calling his girl ‘babe’.”

  Oh my.

  Hector called me “babe”.

  Blooming heck.

  I kept going. “What about mi cielo?”

  Jet blinked. “Hector called you mi cielo?”

  I nodded.

  Her big grin went even bigger. “It means, literally, ‘my sky’ but it’s also an endearment, a little, um…” She looked for a word. “Stronger than mamita,” she finished.

  I didn’t know what to make of that but I wasn’t sure it was good. I mean, it was good if I was a normal, Veronica Mars-type person but it wasn’t good as I wasn’t a normal, Veronica Mars-type person (which I wasn’t).

  “He calls you mi amor, you’re really in trouble,” Jet went on before I could run screaming from the house.

  “Why?”

  “That means ‘my love’ and that means he’s serious,” Jet replied then went on with a big smile. “Or, I should say, more serious.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from leaning into her and whispering, “I think I’m in trouble.”

  “Sister, you are definitely in trouble,” Indy said and she was smiling at me too, like this was a good thing.

  I didn’t think this was a good thing. In fact, I was more than a little worried it was a very, very bad thing.

  I shook off my feelings of foreboding and, lastly, because I had to know, so I asked Jet, “What was Blanca saying in the living room when Hector and I arrived?”

  Jet shook her head. “She was talking too fast and I’m not fluent or anything but I think the gist of it was that if Hector, Eddie and Lee didn’t wreak vengeance on, um…” she stopped.

  “It’s okay, I get it,” I said softly because I saw she was uncomfortable. She gave me a different smile, this one less dazzling but far more sweet.

  Somehow Blanca (who didn’t know me from Eve), having a tizzy on my behalf made me feel strange but it wasn’t a bad strange, it was a weird, happy strange.

  It wasn’t that strange. I used to feel that way around my Mom.

  But it was a strange I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

  Jet’s eyes slid to Indy but I had exhausted New Sadie’s reserves so I turned away and finished up the coffee.

  Surprisingly, and thankfully, they didn’t push it.

  * * * * *

  The last incident happened after dinner was over.

  We were all heading back to the living room for more coffee and Blanca had claimed Hector. They walked in front of me, her arm around his waist, his arm around her shoulders, head tilted low as she talked to him in Spanish.

  Everyone but Indy and Lee were in front of them, I walked behind them, Indy and Lee behind me.

  A few steps from the living room door I decided it was time. I had my opportunity so I stopped and turned to Lee.

  “Can I talk to you a second?” I asked.

  Lee and Indy stopped. Lee’s eyes ca
me to me and he nodded.

  Indy said, “I’ll just –”

  My gaze swung to her and I interrupted, “No, it’s okay. You can stay. This won’t take long.”

  Indy nodded but she took Lee’s hand and it looked like she was bracing. Lee just kept watching me.

  Throughout dessert, I practiced what I was going to say so I was ready.

  I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, looked at Lee and said, “I’ve spent my life around bad people. Bad people that did things to hurt other people and they had no regrets.”

  “Sadie –” Lee started.

  “Please, hear me out.”

  Lee stopped talking.

  “It was hard, living in that world,” I told him.

  He was silent. Indy was silent. I went on.

  “It would be harder living in a world where a good person blamed himself for what a bad person did.” I paused then delivered my grand finale, what I thought was rather decisively (if I did say so myself), “You share no responsibility for what happened to me.”

  Immediately Lee said, “I appreciate that but it doesn’t change the fact that I –”

  I interrupted, “You hold onto this regret it’s going to…”

  Now what did I say?

  I didn’t expect Lee to do anything but feel off the hook. He was messing up my grand finale! I didn’t think to practice different responses to his possible responses! Why couldn’t he just agree and let it go so we could go have coffee?

  This being nice to people was hard.

  Oh well, I just had to make it up. “It’s going to be… ” I searched for a word. “Very um…” come on Sadie! “Upsetting,” I finished.

  Both Indy and Lee were staring at me.

  I was spent, I had no more but I didn’t feel it was appropriate to walk away.

  Finally Lee grinned and said, “I wouldn’t want to upset you.”

  His tone was bizarre. Then it hit me that he was teasing me.

  Yes, teasing me.

  The Ice Princess reared her head. “Well. Yes. See that it doesn’t happen.”

  For some reason what I said made Lee burst out laughing. It made Indy do the same.

  They laughed right in the face of the Ice Princess!

  How bizarre was that?

  Lee moved in (shattering my Ice Fortress, by the way), threw his arm around my shoulders and walked me into the living room, Indy following.