Spike Milligan

by Spike Milligan

  As to my not spelling my name properly, may I inform you that your version, i.e. Mulligan is also wrong. If you must know the correct word is O’Malagáin. Sometimes attenuated to O’Maoileagáin. How is that for shooting you down in flames?

  Yes, I want to buy the lower half of County Cork. Can you quote me a price.

  Spike Milligan

  Captain L. A. Milligan MSM, RNA, Rt’d

  New South Wales

  Australia

  18 November 1964

  Dear Dad,

  Your letter of 11th November to hand.

  I am glad you enjoyed the ‘Encore’ article. I found it a bit over-powering, I don’t think any human being in the world should get too much praise because after all it is our maker who gave us the talent, and not us who created it. You will be glad to hear that the play ‘Oblomov’ ran successfully for five weeks at the Lyric, Hammersmith despite a justifiable panning by the critics, and now we are transferring to the Comedy Theatre, London. If it runs successfully, there, I might have to postpone bringing ‘The Bed Sitting Room’ to Australia, because naturally it is financially more beneficial to play in London. However, if it runs a long time I will be able to afford to fly to Australia without the necessity of having to put on a play.

  I am glad you have settled down again. I must say I get a great yearning whenever I think of Woy-Woy and those glorious sunny mornings, which just would not let you stay in bed, and the Pelican flying around over the water and the unforgettable sight of Dolphin playing as they went out towards Gosford.

  I will buy the Charlie Chaplin book. I did write to him in Switzerland sending him a copy of my book and offering him one of the bronze handles which came off the old Metropole Variety Theatre bar door, but he did not bother to answer the letter, so he got one point in my estimation.

  I hope Mum is keeping well. I had a letter from Desmond in which he told me about the Clun’s marriage breaking up and Desmond having to give food and shelter to Mrs Clun. It seems that the Milligans are eternally cursed with women trouble. If I were born again I should like to be a tree, and even this someone would come along and chop me down.

  Harry Edgington and his family are coming back. He wrote to me saying that he felt his family held him somewhat responsible for the decline of their fortunes, which is the way modern families treat the head of the household.

  I didn’t read the first half of your book as it came in and went out the same day. Don’t be too disappointed if they send it back because that is what usually happens. It happened to me with ‘Puckoon’. It was thrown back by three publishers, all of whom must have cursed themselves when it became a best seller.

  I must dash now. I will write again soon.

  Your loving son,

  Terry

  Captain & Mrs L. A. Milligan

  New South Wales

  Australia

  11 December 1964

  Dear Dad,

  This is a letter just to explain how my rather bumpy career is shaping. The play ‘Oblomov’ opened at the Lyric, Hammersmith to bad notices, but sympathetic in general to me. The trouble was I took the part of ‘Oblomov’ because at the time I had no other work. I knew it was a busy play but I had to sacrifice my beliefs for bread and butter. I did everything that the producers, managers and great actors told me to do. The result, was disastrous but it was no surprise to me and I knew that the play would get a slating. However, I decided to do something about it, in fact I was the ONLY person who could do anything about it, so I started to ad lib my way through the show and bit by bit made it into an extremely funny show. The result was during the five weeks we were at the Lyric, Hammersmith we broke the box office record twice. It was then transferred to the West End to the Comedy Theatre, where it opened to rave notices, from the very critics who had decried it on the original opening night. In the first week we have broken the box office record for Saturdays, and the box office record for every other day of the week. I cant really believe it but there it is, it is actually happening.

  I suppose at the age of 47 I can say that success did not come until I was nearly 50, which is a long time. However, it is happening and there seems no let up in the bookings. The only trouble is I fear that this unexpected success will stop me going to Australia next March in ‘The Bed Sitting Room’. Nevertheless, I will be coming to Australia at the very first opportunity because I like it out there. In fact, if I had enough money I would settle out there permanently, which of course is still more than a possibility.

  Paddy is sending you all the cuttings, as she wanted to be the person who told you. I am just sending this letter in case the cuttings go astray. I have received your Christmas card. All the children and Paddy are well. I fluctuate between being well and unwell according to how people treat me. Of course, what has made a big difference to me is this play because I had saved up a thousand pounds and hoped to buy a piece of ground in the country and try to build a home on it for myself, but when I saw the possibility of ‘Oblomov’ being a success I put that thousand pounds into the play, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the play will run long enough for the thousand pounds to make a profit.

  Well that is all the news for now. I will try to telephone you during the next fortnight. God bless you all.

  As ever,

  Your loving son,

  Terry

  Michael White Esq.

  London SW1

  12 April 1965

  Dear Michael,

  I am writing you this letter in the light of having discovered that Ricardo Arragno has in fact been given 5% as the ‘author’ of the show. It means in fact that I have been writing, and by writing that I think of an idea, because I don’t write it down, nevertheless it has the same significance and comes under the heading of material.

  Up to date I have done this for nothing, but I think that I should be entitled to something for the efforts. I certainly am not being greedy, and to have written a flop, and to get 5% of it thereafter, mainly because I had, let’s face it, saved the play because of my training as a writer, and it is on this basis that I think I should in future get a percentage.

  I at least do not want to go on keeping the play alive for free, because basically that is what I have been doing for the last six months, and if Mr Arragno wishes to continue with the same financial arrangements, whereas he may be satisfied I am not. Like all of us I am in this for the money, and I do not intend to go on making money for everybody when the actual provider of the success, namely the material I have invented, is the basis of the financial success of the play.

  I do hope you understand, I do not know of many people who would write new material for six months for nothing, so you can see I am not greedy, I just want a fair cut for the effort I have put into the play. I do hope you understand and we can still continue our amicable relationship.

  Regards as ever,

  Spike Milligan

  [Son of Oblomov was a huge hit at the Comedy Theatre, breaking all box office records. But then, suddenly, after the curtain had risen on one performance, Spike called a press conference and invited journalists in the audience up onto the stage to announce he was quitting the show.

  To a stunned audience he said, ‘You must be puzzled. You see it was raining when I arrived at the theatre and I couldn’t talk to these gentlemen then, so I’ve invited them on stage to talk now.’

  For me, vintage Milligan.]

  11

  Publish and Be Damned

  [Spike. Working well today.]

  March 6th

  Dear Spike Milligan,

  May I be allowed to send you a little word of greeting and admiration?

  When you have given as much of yourself as you have to the big B. P. – and other Publics abroad, you are so right to stop at once when you feel you must, and you are so courageous to do so, and to let your admiring public into your confidence … This is just the time of year to take some rest and refreshment, and I hope you do it thoroughly, for all our sakes’.


  I have such pleasant memories of our meeting in Australia. There is heaps more work waiting which only you can do but you must take in sometimes instead of giving out all the time.

  So I venture to send you my very best wishes for the right kind of rest, and great benefit therefrom.

  Please do not think this letter needs an answer … I know so well what it is to feel overtired – but all will be well, and fresh strength will come, sooner than you imagine, in abundant measure.

  Yours sincerely, with every possible good wish,

  Margaret Rutherford

  [What a wonderful letter to him.]

  Dick Douglas-Boyd Esq.

  Michael Joseph Limited

  2 December 1977

  Dear Dick,

  Thank you so much for the leatherbound copy of Puckoon. How did you know that the colour I hate most is purple – the divine inspirational.

  If I can have a choice in future, can I have black, or brown – or red to go with my bank balance.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Michael Joseph Ltd

  London WC1

  6 December 1977

  Dear Spike,

  My favourite leather is black shiny. I am sorry that you don’t like purple. It cost us a hell of a lot of money because the binding is made entirely of baboon bums and it is hard to find one large enough to fit round anything but a paperback.

  Tell you what, if we have a good year next year you’ll get black. If we’re in the red you’ll get red. O.K?

  Yours,

  Dick

  Richard Douglas-Boyd

  Dick Douglas-Boyd Esq.

  14 January 1978

  Dear Dick,

  Regarding being in the red or black – we are all going to be in the shit, so I suggest a brown cover.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  [Spike received a letter from Mrs M. H. Reith, Northview Junior Mixed School, saying that they had been examining their library books for any that contained anything racially or sexually offensive. Spike’s children’s book, Dip the Puppy, contained a character called King Blackbottom, so she informed him they were recommending to the Director of Education that Dip the Puppy be excluded from all school and children’s libraries in the Borough of Brent. Spike’s reply:]

  Mrs M. H. Reith

  London Borough of Brent Education Committee

  Northview Junior Mixed & Infants School

  3 June 1982

  Dear Mrs Reith,

  If you feel free to remove the book because of the mention of ‘KING BLACKBOTTOM’, I am a complete believer in freedom; but you don’t sound as though you are enjoying it.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Perhaps if I had put ‘KING WHITEBOTTOM’.

  [The offender.]

  [This letter came out of the blue and he forgot to let me have a copy. Spike pretending to be a business man. It always ended in failure.]

  Jack Hobbs Esq.

  Richard Douglas-Boyd Esq.

  1 September 1982

  Dear Jack and Dick,

  I would like to reassess my relationship with Jack Hobbs and Michael Joseph Limited. For instance, in the case of Sir Nobonk, I find the position with the financial distribution unjust to Carol Barker, in as much (a) it was her idea entirely. I wrote it without any consultation with Jack Hobbs, and Carol Barker was the one that was instrumental in getting the book together and all in all I think she should have come in for a fair share of the royalties.

  I also understand, which I did not know, that Jack puts up half the money for my books. I would like this arrangement to come to an end as from this letter. I would like to negotiate new terms.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  M & J. Hobbs ~ Publishers

  Surrey

  5 September 1982

  Dear Spike,

  Your letter of the 1st September came like a bolt from the blue.

  I have been publishing most of your books since ‘The Saga of the Six Gun’ by your father in 1968.

  In 1971 when the sales of your books warranted larger production and distribution facilities, and I was spending a year producing ‘Milligan’s Ark’, I advised you to approach Michael Joseph with the War Biography.

  At the same time I formed a co-publishing business contract with Michael Joseph to distribute my existing titles and any future books – A contract which does not affect your earnings – I take no part of your royalty, nor do you pay me in any way.

  I have had this co-publishing arrangement, not uncommon in the trade, not only with your books but also with Harry Secombe, Eric Sykes, Ronnie Corbett, Johnny Speight, Spike Mullins, Marty Feldman and many others.

  You say you want my business arrangement with Michael Joseph to cease as of your letter.

  I can only think that what you really mean is that you want me to cease being your publisher.

  This puzzles me as at your request I am involved in researching and planning two books for you at the moment.

  With regard to Carol Barker, the royalty split was agreed between Spike Milligan Productions and Carol Barker’s agent – otherwise it would not be in the contract – I certainly don’t get any part of it. We can adjust the percentage if necessary.

  Best wishes as ever,

  Jack

  [Remember Jack was a lifelong friend and in my opinion it was a betrayal, and I told Spike so.]

  [Now he brings me into the picture because he has started to defend himself, and as he used to say ‘I’ll need you for back up’.]

  Jack Hobbs Esq.

  Surrey

  13 October 1982

  Dear Jack,

  I hear from Norma that you are avoiding me. Why? I’m not a leper. I am a human being, I am still a friend of yours.

  We agreed on the phone we would go ahead with THERE’S A LOT OF IT ABOUT, because this was going before I wrote the letter to you and Michael Joseph asking to draw up a new arrangement. Since then I have spoken to you on the phone, and when I said we would go ahead with this, you didn’t say ‘No’, in fact, you agreed to do it. Now, I hear you have sent all the stuff to Michael Joseph, and I am totally baffled.

  I mean, all I said I wanted to form my own book company, I have a right to do what I want in my life, don’t you? I mean, because you introduced me to Michael Joseph, it doesn’t mean you have domain over me, I could have gone to another publisher who would have published my books. I explained to you over the phone that I wanted to retire next year, and therefore, my income would drop about 60% and I wanted to earn as much money from my books as I could. I am sorry I can’t move into a workhouse for you and live a lesser life, but I do hope you understand I have to survive.

  I am just a bit stunned that anybody could be so small minded, you have done very well out of my books, and I am grateful, why can’t we go on doing the odd book.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  M. & J. Hobbs ~ Publishers

  Surrey

  18 October 1982

  Dear Spike,

  Thank you for your letter of 13th October. I have been waiting for a reply to my letter of the 5th September for some time. As I told you on the phone I was confused by your attitude. I did not agree to do anything with regard to ‘There’s a Lot of it About’ when you phoned me except order some photographs, and I had sent all the material for all your books back to Michael Joseph’s weeks ago after your letter of the 1st September.

  I believe Dick was trying to have a meeting with you to sort out what the ‘renegotiation’ mentioned in your letter would mean to us all. No terms of renegotiation have reached me from any source whatsoever.

  I was dismissed as your publisher in no uncertain terms as of the date of your letter of 1st September, and have had to take that at its face value.

  Certainly you have the right to form your own publishing company. I don’t claim domain over you. I have enjoyed being your
publisher over the last fourteen years and am sorry that it has to come to an end.

  I have been an independent publisher for thirty years and intend to continue producing books. I don’t see any point in doing ‘the odd book’ when you have your own company so I think we had best make a clean break of it. I’m sorry you think me small minded – I don’t quite understand why; and to suggest that if I continued to publish you, you might move into a workhouse is a ludicrously comic piece of overstatement. I have no doubts whatsoever about your ability to survive.

  I feel we did some good books together which, but for us, would not be in the British Museum.

  Good luck in your new venture, as ever,

  Jack

  P. S. Re Mangles – I would be grateful if you would return my reference books to Orme Court and I will arrange to have them collected – many thanks.

  [What a nice man. No wonder I was fond of him. But the hurt between the lines.]

  Jack Hobbs Esq.

  Surrey

  22 October 1982

  Dear Jack,

  If ever anybody tried desperately to get in touch with another person, it’s me trying to get in touch with you. Finally I spoke on the phone from Ireland to Norma, who has spoken to you, and you asked her what I meant by the odd book. When I say we could do the odd book together you know we wrote McGonagall books, well I would consider us doing one of these again, and you can be the joint publisher on it.

  This move by me is actually to try and increase my livelihood, writing might possibly be my only form of income when I am 65, and I could not survive unless I did it, and turn out more books. I do hope you understand.

  When I said I would end up in a workhouse, I wasn’t joking, even now, working full time in television, radio and doing stage shows, I was overdrawn at the bank last week by £4,000, and if I had been relying only on my book royalties, I would have been bankrupt Jack.

  This is not a hard luck story, this is the truth, and Norma will verify this.