Distorted Hope

by Marissa Honeycutt

  “Julia.” Nathan called Mark’s sister over to him and she immediately came over. I wondered if Nathan would have Julia give him a blowjob.

  Julia was a year older than I and had dark eyes like her brother and short, almost-black hair. She was of average height and weight, but had a nice figure and a very pretty smile, which was rarely hidden.

  I really didn’t care if Nathan wanted to use Julia in front of me. Maybe I could sneak upstairs and see Jason.

  “Yes, Patrón?” Julia said, kneeling at his feet.

  “Why don’t you go upstairs and see how Jason is doing. He might need some cheering up, since he’s not to be with Kyra anymore.”

  My head snapped up at Nathan’s suggestion. My wide eyes filled with tears as Julia nodded and stood to go upstairs. As she passed me, Julia gave me an apologetic look. I looked back down at my dress-covered knees and tried not to think about Jason being with another woman.

  I tried to subtly wipe away the tears escaping my eyes but wasn’t very successful. When Julia didn’t return right away, it became harder to hold back the drops of misery in my eyes.

  “Kyra,” Nathan said in a quiet voice. I looked up to see sympathy in his eyes. He reached for my hand and pulled me into his lap, holding my head against his chest and stroking my hair.

  Of all the girls, I could see Jason liking Julia. She was sweet and cheery, and I liked her a lot. My heart hurt as images of him kissing her, touching her…

  I burst into tears.

  Nathan held me tightly and kept stroking my hair, trying to calm me, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop. A few minutes later, I felt myself being lifted and looked through wet eyes to see myself high in the air in Nathan’s arms. He carried me upstairs and down the patio into his room—far away from Jason’s room.

  He laid me down on the bed and scooted behind me, curling my back against his body. The last thing I remembered was Nathan whispering soothing words in my ear as he smoothed my hair away from my face.

  The body behind me was large. Very large. Long arms wrapped around my waist, holding me in a vise-grip against a hard chest that moved slightly as he breathed. The body definitely belonged to a man, but it wasn’t Jason. Jason was tall and lithe; this man was tall and built. The forearms around my waist were powerful and well-defined. He made me feel tiny, a thought that had never crossed my mind before.

  Nathan.

  The room was cool, but I was snuggled under blankets and Nathan’s body radiated heat. It felt nice.

  Suddenly, a wave of nausea hit me and I struggled to get free. I didn’t even know where his toilet was.

  Oh, no!

  “Nathan!” I exclaimed in a panic when he wouldn’t release me. “Nathan, I’m going to be sick!”

  The arms loosened immediately, and I ran into the bathroom and looked around desperately for the toilet.

  “On your left, Kitten,” Nathan said from the doorway.

  I saw the open door and ran to it, falling to my knees just as my stomach heaved. I vaguely felt my hair being held back as I continued to empty my stomach. Tears ran down my cheeks as I coughed and sputtered.

  “It’s okay, Kitten,” Nathan said, crouching behind me and rubbing my back.

  When my stomach finally stopped heaving, I flushed the toilet and rested my head on the cool porcelain. Nathan rose to retrieve a wet washcloth and let me wipe my mouth. He used another one on my neck and upper back.

  “How long will this keep happening?” I asked in a weak voice.

  Nathan picked me up and carried me back to the bed. “It depends. Every woman is different.” He went back into the bathroom and returned with a glass of water, which I drank thankfully. “I’ll ask Luís if there’s something that can help.”

  “I’m sorry I got upset last night,” I said, staring at the glass in my hands. The fabric of my wrinkled dress was magnified through the water and I studied the weave.

  He sat down on the bed next to me. “It didn’t surprise me, Kyra. Pregnancy makes women more emotional, and… you’re grieving. It’s alright.”

  I looked up into his handsome face. “I don’t understand why you’re… I dunno, being so nice.”

  “Was I mean before?” He looked genuinely concerned.

  I hesitated, remembering him throwing me out of his room in the middle of the night. “Sometimes.”

  Nathan blew out a slow breath and then stood and walked to the fireplace. He put one hand on the marble and another caressed the picture.

  “You saw this picture the first night you came.”

  “Yes.”

  He was quiet for a moment as he caressed the wooden frame. “My wife and daughter. Danielle was my wife. Natalie, my little girl.” The muscles in his back rippled slightly as he took in a deep breath. “I joined the Army right out of high school. My dad was an asshole and a half, and I would have done anything to get out of the house. I trained as a combat engineer and was good. Really good.” He caressed the glass over the picture of Danielle. “I met Danielle in high school. She was my high school sweetheart.” He sighed. “Once I was settled in my career, I went home on leave and we got married. And we were happy.” He braced his other hand on the fireplace and dropped his head between his arms. “Dani got pregnant about a year and a half later, and we were ecstatic. I was determined to be a better dad than mine had been. We made plans, dreamed dreams… everything. I made Sergeant. Life was good.”

  He looked back at the picture. “I was sent to Iraq when she was six months pregnant. Her mom was there for the birth, but I managed to talk to her when she was in the hospital. She said our little Natalie was perfect in every way and looked just like me.” His voice cracked at the last words.

  Nathan turned and sat down on the end of the bed. I continued to stare at his back as he talked with his head hung low. “We were about to go home. It was our last mission and something went horribly wrong.” He shook his head. “A bunch of us got killed. Those who didn’t die were captured. Mark and myself included.” He shook his head. “Four fucking years we were there.”

  He was quiet for a long time, and I began to wonder if he would speak again. I leaned over just enough so I could see his profile. “To make a long story short, we managed to blow the place up and we got out of there. It was a long journey home, and all I could think about was getting home to Dani and my baby girl, who was four years old by then. I couldn’t imagine what Dani had gone through, being told I was dead.” The corner of his mouth lifted in a sad smile. “I kept imagining the surprised look on her face when I knocked on the door, and the feel of my little girl’s arms around my neck.”

  “When I got back to base, a bunch of the guys’ families were waiting for them. My mom was there, but no Dani. My mom’s eyes were so sad. I knew something had happened…” His voice trailed off.

  I crawled to the foot of the bed and wrapped my arms around his chest from behind. He reached up for my hand and squeezed it.

  “There was a break-in at our house on base.” I heard the anguish in his voice and my heart broke for him. “They were killed. Two fucking drunk-ass soldiers killed my wife and daughter. Brutally. The army should have protected the widow of a fallen soldier, but they didn’t.”

  Nathan closed his eyes and I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Nathan.”

  He shook his head and cleared his throat. “One of the bastards had a relative with a lot of money and somehow they got off on a technicality. But they were dishonorably discharged.” His hands clenched into fists. “I tracked them down and killed them with my bare hands.”

  I gasped. I couldn’t deny he’d had the right to return violence for violence, but to kill two men in cold blood?

  “Everyone knew what they’d done. Everyone knew they were guilty. So when I fled the country, they didn’t come after me.” He shook his head. “I wandered around Mexico and most of Central America for a while. I speak fluent Spanish, and I had money from the Army. I lived the high life.

  �
��Mark and I met up about a year later. He’d been a Private under me and we’d become good friends as POWs. He was with some buddies and we ran into each other on the beach in Cabo. I was piss-ass drunk, and he picked me up out of the gutter.” Nathan chuckled. “We started traveling together and one night we got in a bad spot. Here in Panama.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “We were drunk and stumbled onto an arms deal. Long story short, they took us and brought us here.” He motioned around the room. “The Patrón stuck us in the basement for a while and then let us out. He found our backgrounds useful and began utilizing our skills. My engineering skills, in particular. I liked creating things. I was so angry. I liked making things used to destroy other things.”

  He clasped his hands between his knees. “To make another long story short, I was good, and when he decided he wanted to retire a few years later, he made me Patrón and left. I’ve been here ever since.”

  Nathan turned to look at me. “I’ve been bitter for years. I run a good business. I have everything I ever wanted. But I didn’t realize I’d lost hope for anything good to ever happen again.” He took my hands in his. “Until you showed up. You remind me of Dani. Sweet, beautiful, smart.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You getting pregnant gives me hope that… well, good things can still happen. I never dared to dream I’d be a father again. I didn’t want to risk it. Risk losing something so precious again.” He chuckled. “I think that’s another reason Mark brought you. He saw something in you that could break down my walls. That’s what he hinted at, anyway.”

  I stared at him, not knowing what to say.

  “I’m sorry I threw the clock at you, Kitten,” he said softly, stroking my cheek. “I was afraid. I used to have nightmares all the time. About walking in and finding Dani dead and a whole host of other things. That night you—” He gazed intensely into my eyes. “You got to me. You got inside me and it scared me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

  “Don’t be. I feel more alive than I have in years.” He grinned. “It’s rather nice.”

  I gave him a shy smile. I had a hard time believing I could have affected this big, tough man as much as he said I did.

  “I really was trying to leave you alone, Kyra. You were happy with Jason. I wanted you to be happy, which is why I didn’t put you in the women’s house as I had originally planned.” He grimaced. “I didn’t like the idea of other men touching you.” His hand trailed down my neck and he looked down as his fingers touched my collar. “I need to take this off of you.”

  “You do?”

  “I couldn’t hurt you with it anymore. For one, I think it would be bad for the baby. And secondly, I don’t want to hurt you. You’re no longer here as motivation for Jason.” He leaned forward to kiss me gently on the lips. “I want you here for me. And only for me.”

  I kissed him back. I was beginning to like him. And after hearing his story, I began to understand him a little more. I missed Jason terribly, but maybe Nathan wasn’t such a bad man after all.

  Jason seemed in better spirits at breakfast that morning. It made me both feel better and worse at the same time. He still looked at me with sad eyes, but he didn’t appear to be quite as angry and he participated in the conversations a little. He did grimace, however, every time Nathan touched my hand, which was often.

  Nathan went to his office, as he usually did after breakfast, leaving me to my own devices. I headed to my room to take a shower and was startled when Jason stepped out of his room as I was opening my door.

  “Kyra,” Jason said in a soft voice.

  We stood there, staring at each other for a long time. I wanted to throw myself into his arms. “Jason,” I whispered with longing.

  Jason glanced toward the courtyard and then stepped closer and took my hand. “Come with me,” he said in a low voice and opened his door again. He pulled me inside and was kissing me before it closed.

  I clung to him, kissing him with abandon and desperation.

  “I can’t do this,” Jason said in a hoarse voice. “I can’t stay away from you, Kyra. I love you too much.”

  “I love you, too,” I said against his lips, hugging him close. “So much.”

  He pulled me toward the bed and fell backward with me on top of him. We looked at each other for a moment before kissing again without restraint.

  Maybe if we’re quick we could be together again. Nathan was busy… Jason pulled at my dress and caressed my ass cheeks as I ran my hands up under his t-shirt. Quickly, my dress was on the floor along with his shirt, and I unfastened his jeans as fast as I could.

  When he was naked as I was, he rolled me onto my back and kissed me deeply as he pushed himself inside my body. We both sighed as his balls came to rest against my ass.

  Jason looked down into my eyes as he began moving and, not for the first time, I desperately wished the baby was Jason’s and not Nathan’s. I was beginning to care about Nathan, but I loved Jason. It was that simple.

  I pulled Jason’s head down to kiss him as our pace quickened. I moaned deeply into his mouth when we came together and savored the feeling of him throbbing inside me.

  “I love you,” Jason murmured, nuzzling my ear.

  “I love you, too,” I said, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. “I wish—”

  My words were interrupted by Jason’s door slamming open so hard the glass shattered. I let out a shriek at the noise and we both looked over toward the door.

  Nathan stood in the doorway, chest heaving, face full of fury. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he growled. Before either of us could answer, he strode forward and shoved Jason off of me and pulled me out of bed. “Go to your room and clean yourself up.” He shoved me toward the doorway.

  I stumbled slightly and then yelped as I stepped on a piece of glass. Nathan cursed and picked me up. He glared at Jason. “If you ever touch her again, I will kill you.” He strode out of his room and carried me, naked, to his room and straight into his bathroom.

  Nathan placed me on the golden-brown stone vanity and lifted my foot to examine it. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he wasn’t rough, either. He pulled tweezers out of a drawer and removed several small pieces of glass from my foot. Then he washed my foot with warm water and soap.

  He didn’t say a word as he was working, but his jaw was clenched the entire time. When he was satisfied my foot was taken care of, he picked me up and carried me behind what I thought was a fat column and turned out to be a large, round shower with a window looking out onto the mountains.

  He pointed to the various buttons, showing me how to work the fancy waterworks. “I’ll be back with something for you to wear. Don’t leave the bathroom.”

  I nodded to show I understood and he disappeared around the corner. He reappeared after a minute and hung a towel on a hook outside the circle and then disappeared again.

  I put most of my weight on my uncut foot and turned the hot water on. It felt good as I stood under the rain-like stream of water and closed my eyes.

  I felt guilty.

  Part of me was outraged that I could feel guilty about making love with Jason. I loved him. He was the reason Nathan had brought me in the first place. Why should Nathan get angry that I want to be with Jason? He had left us alone for weeks, and then pulled us apart, just because I was pregnant with his child.

  Okay, so I could kind of understand why Nathan was upset. He’d bared his soul to me just a little while ago, telling me about his wife and how he was glad I was here. That I had given him hope for the first time in almost twenty years. That he wanted me. And then he caught me in bed with Jason. Yeah, his anger was probably justified.

  But on the other hand, he’s the one who decided Jason and I couldn’t be together. It didn’t mean I could just stop loving Jason, like flipping a switch.

  But Nathan never said or indicated he’d expected that. He acknowledged it would take time for me to get over Jason. He’d been nothing but kind to me
since he found out I was pregnant. More than kind, actually. He’d been doting on me, and I kinda liked it. When I forgot about the fact he sold bad things to bad people, I liked him.

  I leaned my head against a wall that was surprisingly warm. My head hurt. I felt guilty and angry at the same time. Do I try and fight Nathan? Be a bitch in hopes he’ll realize it’s a mistake to make me give up Jason? Or do I resign myself to the inevitable and accept my new relationship with him?

  I had a feeling, regardless of which path I decided to take, eventually I would end up with Nathan. He was the type to always get his way. Did I really want to take the miserable, long way? Or make the best of what had been handed to me and try to build a relationship with the scary arms dealer that was Nathan Pierce?

  The cold hard truth was I was stuck with Nathan. There was no way he’d ever let me go—either with Jason or back to the US. Not with his child. I would spend the rest of my life here with Nathan, in the middle of a foreign country. Even if I managed to run away, where would I go? I was in the middle of the nowhere. I didn’t know anything about Panama, I knew even less about surviving in the mountains, and I had only a smattering of Spanish vocabulary. I would likely end up in a worse situation.

  There were worse things than being the wife of an arms dealer.

  Wife. Nathan had said he wanted to marry me. Only when I started dating Jason had I thought about the possibility of getting married someday. I wanted to; I wanted to be loved. But I never thought I was lovable—never thought I was worth anything.

  And now I had two men basically fighting over me. The thought made me laugh a little. Ugly Kyra had two handsome men fighting over her. It was more than I’d had at home.

  I sighed and began washing my hair, careful to keep my weight off my sore foot. The smart thing to do would be to apologize to Nathan and hope he’d forgive me. I liked to do the smart thing. I should do the smart thing.