Distorted Hope

by Marissa Honeycutt

  “How did he find you?” Mark asked, coming to stand by the bed.

  I told them about running upstairs and hiding in the closet and what Pavel had done to me. I looked up into Nathan’s face with tears in my eyes. “I fought as hard as I could, Nathan. I promise. But he was so much stronger than me. I tried to keep him away from me.”

  He gave me such a sorrowful look. “It’s not your fault, Kyra. He raped you. It’s not your fault.”

  “You’re not angry with me?”

  “Why would I be angry with you? If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

  Dr. Perez told me his thought about Nathan being drugged. I nodded, accepting what I had already understood to be the truth.

  “Kyra, from now on, I want you up here whenever we have guests, okay?” Nathan said with urgency in his voice. “If they don’t see you, they can’t hurt you.”

  “Okay.” That was fine with me. I didn’t want to see them, either. I didn’t like how Nathan acted around them. Even before he was drugged. I didn’t like that side of Nathan.

  “I should have done that with you in the first place,” he whispered, stroking my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know why you did what you did. And now I know it’s safer to be up here, too. I might have resented it if… if it hadn’t happened.”

  I spent the next week in our bedroom, until the Russians left. For the most part, I was okay with it. Mark was with me most of the time. This time, he was guarding me to keep me safe, not to keep me from escaping.

  Nathan came in drunk most nights, but he fell right to sleep and apologized in the morning. “They have no concept of moderation,” he commented.

  On their last night at the hacienda, the girls gave a performance in the hall next to the house. I hadn’t been in there before, nor had I seen the girls perform. I was a little disappointed I couldn’t watch. Mark asked if he could bring me to stand in the back and watch the performance. Nathan agreed after saying he wanted two other men guarding me while I was there.

  Guarded and safe, I got to watch the performance from the back. It was very… sexy. The girls almost aroused me. And after it was over, they went to the men and it seemed to turn into an orgy. But Nathan didn’t participate. Mark took me back to the bedroom and Nathan came in a few minutes later and made sweet love to me. It was our first time together since I had recovered from Pavel’s attack.

  “I love you, Nathan,” I said as I drifted off to sleep.

  “I love you, Kitten,” he murmured, pulling me close.

  “I don’t know if I want to raise Hope here.”

  I tipped my head to look up at Nathan, surprised at his comment—surprised, but not upset. I certainly had my own misgivings about raising our daughter in a place where men made illegal weapons. How do you explain to a three-year-old what daddy does when his profession is arms dealer? I’d been hoping he would bring up the subject sometime before the baby was born, but I hadn’t asked because I didn’t want to press him.

  I put my hand on top of his, which was resting on my protruding belly. It wasn’t huge yet, but there was no mistaking I was pregnant now. Whenever we sat together, Nathan’s hand was always on it, and I loved it.

  We’d flown into Panama City yesterday so Dr. Perez could do an ultrasound. Nathan had been nervous about going into the city. As corrupt as Panama was, it was still rather ballsy for a known arms dealer to blatantly walk around in public.

  Oh, the look on Nathan’s face when Dr. Perez had told us it was a girl. It was better than the boyish grin I got when I told him I loved him. I asked him about his thoughts on names and ‘Hope’ was the first thing to come out of his mouth. It was perfect. Now, we were about four months away from meeting Baby Hope for the first time. I couldn’t wait to see Nathan’s face when he held her for the first time. I knew I would remember it for the rest of my life.

  As we flew home, I could tell something was bothering him, but when I asked him, he shook his head and wouldn’t answer me. We came out to sit in the garden after lunch and he didn’t speak at first. I waited patiently; I’d learned not to push him.

  This is what was bothering him? I was almost relieved.

  “Is it possible to leave?”

  Nathan shrugged. “I’m not obligated to sell weapons. There would be people who would be upset, but there are always new guys wanting to get into the business. I could find someone to refer them to.” He chuckled. “Do you really imagine someone telling me what to do?”

  I giggled, remembering my first afternoon in his office and wondering why he did what he did. It seemed a lifetime ago. I suppose, in a way, it was a lifetime ago.

  I’d been here for over five months now. It was easy to remember since I got pregnant on the first night I was here. I finally asked Nathan about why he’d gotten upset that first night. He had been furious with Mark for bringing an innocent girl who was so much like his dead wife.

  “Where would we go if we left?” I knew we couldn’t go back to the US.

  Nathan chuckled. “Well, I prefer a non-extradition country. I was looking into Croatia, actually.”

  “Croatia?”

  “Believe it or not, there aren’t that many non-extradition countries worth going to. I have no desire to go to Iran or Russia.”

  “What about Switzerland?”

  “They have extradition treaties.”

  “Really?”

  Nathan chuckled. “They may be willing to hide money, but not the criminals themselves.”

  “Oh.”

  “Croatia is just across the Adriatic Sea from Italy and has some lovely islands.”

  That didn’t sound too bad.

  “I need to finish up a few things before we can move, though.”

  I sat up and turned to him. “You are really serious about leaving?”

  Nathan gave me that soft smile I was getting used to. “Yes, Kitten. I want you to be safe. I don’t want dangerous men around you.” He grimaced. “I don’t want you to be ashamed of me.”

  “I’m not ashamed of you.”

  “But you don’t like how I act when I’m with them.”

  “I know you have to do it.”

  He sighed. “I was never ashamed of what I did until I met you. Now, I dread having guests because I’m afraid you will see how I am and want to leave me.”

  “You wouldn’t let me go. You kidnapped me, remember?”

  He chuckled. “If you really wanted to leave, I would let you go. It would kill me, but I would let you go.” I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes and I leaned forward and kissed him soundly.

  “I love you, Nathan. I don’t want to leave you. Ever.”

  He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, nibbling slightly on the sensitive skin under my forefinger while watching my eyes close slightly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Kitten.”

  “Are you sure you want me to come back here when I’m drunk?” Nathan asked for the hundredth time.

  “If you don’t, then I don’t get to see you. I don’t sleep well if you’re not in bed with me. Even drunk.”

  Nathan kissed me. “And that’s why I can’t wait to marry you.”

  The helicopter had gone to get Nathan’s Colombian guests and was expected in about ten minutes. Once we had guests on the property, I didn’t leave our bedroom and Mark, or one of the other guys, was with me at all times, until Nathan came to bed. We’d had two other sets of guests since the Russians had come and there hadn’t been any incidents. Nathan told them yes, he was engaged, but no, they could not meet his fiancée, nor see her. He wasn’t taking any chances. And I was okay with that. It was a long, lonely week, but I had no desire to be raped again and dealt with it as best I could. I spent a lot of time on the balcony that couldn’t be seen from anywhere but the very edge of the property.

  The day after the Colombians left, we were going to Panama City to get married. Finally. Getting everything we needed to get married had proven to be somewhat challenging—even with a corrupt j
udge willing to overlook certain things to keep Nathan’s identity hidden—but next Tuesday was the day we would finally be married. I couldn’t wait and I think Nathan was as excited as I was.

  Also, after this deal was done, Jason would be able to go home. Nathan had talked to him extensively about the consequences of telling anyone where he’d been, including the fact I would get hurt if he told anyone. If nothing else, Jason would keep the secret for my sake. Julia was even considering going with him, though it meant leaving her brother forever. They wouldn’t be able to stay in contact once she left. As far as I knew, she hadn’t made a decision yet.

  Nathan gathered me in his arms. “I love you.”

  I leaned my head against his chest. “I love you, too.” He kissed me soundly, kissed my belly, and left the bedroom.

  Mark came in a moment later, gun on his hip, and sat down in the chair by the bed.

  “How ya doin’?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Fine. Gonna miss him.”

  Mark grinned. “I know.”

  “You like my misery?”

  He chuckled. “No, but I’m glad Nathan’s finally softening up.”

  I sat on the bed and smoothed my skirt. “He told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to raise Hope here.”

  “Really?” I knew Mark cared deeply for his friend, which is one of the reasons he brought me here. He hinted several times that he wished Nathan would give all this up. But Mark would stay loyal to him until his dying day.

  I nodded. “He said he’d been thinking about Croatia.”

  Mark chuckled. “Well, there’s a place to retire.”

  I giggled. “I know. But he said it seems nice. And it’s non-extradition.”

  He nodded. “I suppose that’s the most important thing.”

  I had a hard time sleeping that night. I tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position. I felt achy, but I figured it was all just part of being pregnant. There’s always something new going on in a pregnant body.

  When I woke the next morning, I still wasn’t feeling very good, but mostly I felt tired. Nathan was still asleep and so I cuddled in close to him. He mumbled something and pulled me close. Sometimes we’d have sex in the mornings, which I enjoyed. I just hoped he wouldn’t try anything this morning. I didn’t think I’d have the energy for it.

  Fortunately, he just held me close and I fell back to sleep. When I woke up, he was already gone and Mark was there.

  “What time is it?” I was normally up early every day.

  “Ten. You doin’ okay?”

  “Yeah. Tired, I guess. Babymaking is hard work.” I grinned.

  “I thought making them was the fun part.”

  I giggled. “For the guy.”

  “You didn’t enjoy it?”

  “Depends which time it was that we conceived. The first time was a little awkward.”

  Mark shrugged. “I can’t say I’m sorry I forgot to tell him.”

  “I’m not, either. Now.”

  As the days passed, I didn’t get better. I didn’t feel any worse, I just didn’t get any better. I slept a lot, and I felt bad because Mark was stuck there with me and I was terrible company. But I just couldn’t stay awake. I was just so tired!

  The fourth night—two nights before the guests would leave—I woke up in the middle of the night with a cramp in my stomach. Not really bad, but just enough to be annoying. Nathan was snoring soundly beside me and I didn’t want to wake or worry him, especially when we had guests. I knew he needed to be one-hundred percent focused, so I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. I succeeded. Mostly.

  The next day, I had twinges every once in a while throughout the day. Again, not terrible, just annoying more than anything. I didn’t want to worry Nathan, so I didn’t say anything to him or Mark, because Mark would tell Nathan.

  I realized the twinges had stopped after Nathan got up to finish up the visit with the guests. I lay in bed, wincing in anticipation of a twinge and it didn’t come. I sighed. Nothing to worry Nathan about. I’m glad I hadn’t told him.

  That night Nathan and I made love for the first time in a week and it felt so good. So good.

  “Tomorrow we are getting married,” he whispered as he rubbed my belly.

  I woke with a smile on my face. Today was the day I was getting married. I practically hopped out of bed and Nathan chuckled behind me.

  I turned and gazed for a moment at his delicious upper body and then stuck my tongue out at him. He grinned and raised his eyebrow at me. “Really? You want to start your wedding day out with a spanking?”

  I giggled. “Let me pee first.” I ran into the bathroom and did my business and then peeked my head out of the bathroom, looking for Nathan. I frowned when I didn’t see him and stepped out further into the room.

  “Gotcha!” he yelled from behind me. I shrieked and tried to get away, but his arms were so long! I giggled and screamed as he carried me over to the bed and put me on his lap, his legs spread enough to not press against my belly.

  “How many swats does my bad little kitten deserve this morning?” He chuckled and I held my breath in anticipation.

  When he didn’t swat me, I moaned and he chuckled. “Bad kitten,” he teased and smacked my rear. I yelped and then squeezed my thighs together.

  It amazed both of us to find I liked the kinky stuff. We’d been experimenting the last month or so with nipple clamps and a flogger. Oh, how they turned me on! Nathan suspected it could be a quirk of pregnancy, but he wasn’t going to complain and hoped it continued after I had Hope.

  By the time he’d counted to twenty, I was so wet and aroused I couldn’t stand it, and I started begging. That always made him chuckle.

  He pinched my clit and I gasped. It was so sensitive. I think if he did that a few more times, I might come from it.

  “Maybe we should see about a clamp here,” he said, pinching me again.

  I could only moan in reply. He began slowly circling my clit again. “Please!” I begged. “Please, Nathan.”

  “Please what?”

  “Please, I want to come. I need to come!”

  I heard his growl and knew he’d let me this time. Nathan held my upper body down as his fingers moved faster and faster until my body stiffened and I screamed out my pleasure. He held me so I couldn’t move and it seemed to prolong the waves.

  I panted as my heartbeat returned to normal, then he helped me into a standing position. I felt a little dizzy but gave him a lazy smile. “That was a good one.”

  He grinned. “Sounded like it. You like me holding you down when you come?”

  I grinned and nodded, making him laugh, and then stepped forward to wrap my hands around his throbbing cock. “I want more.”

  “Insatiable little minx,” he growled with a sparkle in his eye and pulled me onto the bed.

  Later, as I sat in the jet on the way to Panama City, I felt another twinge. This time it hurt and I cried out in pain and surprise.

  Nathan was instantly at my side. “What’s wrong, Kitten?”

  “I don’t know. It— Ouch!” I grabbed my stomach and closed my eyes. “It hurts,” I whispered after a minute.

  “Luís!” Nathan yelled.

  Dr. Perez had come with us so he could find out why I’d been so tired the last few days. He wanted to do some blood work to make sure I had enough iron, or something like that.

  “Luís!” Nathan yelled again.

  I winced as I felt another painful twinge.

  “What’s wrong, querida?”

  “She says it hurts,” Nathan said in an impatient voice. “What’s going on?”

  Dr. Perez put his hand on my stomach. “Try to relax, Kyra.”

  Easy for him to say. Nathan moved behind me so I could lean back against him and put my feet up on the bench seat. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but another pain came and I grimaced.

  “What’s going on, Luís?” Nathan demanded.

  “I don’t know, Nathan,” Dr. Perez snapped.


  Another pain came, this time much harder and I cried out in pain.

  “We need to get her to the hospital,” Dr. Perez said.

  Nathan cursed. “Mark!” Mark appeared a moment later. “I need a helicopter at the airport when we arrive. I don’t care how much it costs. Just get it there.”

  Nathan usually had the plane fly around a bit before landing, to hide where we’re coming from, I guess. But I felt the plane tip to one side and begin to lose altitude.

  I was holding Nathan’s hand so hard, if he hadn’t been such a strong man, I might have broken it. He leaned his head against mine, whispering to me in a broken voice that everything would be okay. He was so worried. I hated I was making him worry like this.

  “Argh!” I cried as the worst pain I’d felt yet hit my stomach. It felt like the worst menstrual cramps ever.

  I felt something wet between my legs and then got lightheaded as the plane dipped down to the ground. I heard Nathan’s voice echoing in my ears, but I couldn’t respond. Everything was getting blurry and fuzzy…

  An annoying beeping sound was pulling me out of my peaceful sleep. I didn’t like it; I wished it would stop. I groaned and tried to move, but I felt something poking my arm and holding me in place.

  “Kyra?”

  I knew that voice.

  I opened my eyes slowly and saw Nathan sitting next to me, holding my hand. A look of relief filled his face as I blinked several times and looked around. “Where am I?” The walls were white, the ceiling was white, the floor was white. Even the blanket on top of me was white.

  “The hospital. Do you remember what happened?”

  I turned my head and looked at Nathan again. He looked so sad. Why was he sad? I was very tired, but I tried to recall the last thing I remembered. “We were on the jet and I was having pains in my stomach…” I trailed off and my eyes widened. “Hope?” I whispered.