Mr. Smithfield

by Louise Bay

  She folded the letter and stuffed it back in the envelope, tossing it onto the counter before heading back to the hob and stirring the chicken vigorously. “They’re cancelling my trainee-executive position. Fifty percent of our year has been cut. I’m out.”

  “They did what?” I asked, wondering why she was so calm when the role she’d moved across an ocean for had just gone up in smoke.

  “It’s fine. Better this way probably. I wouldn’t have had enough money to see much of Europe in August anyway. I can get a bar job or even stay on with you and Bethany if you like.” She picked up her wine and took a gulp. I slid my arm around her waist, and she froze. “I’m fine. It’s better this way. And it’s not like I really want to be in an international program anyway. I want a job in London because this is where Hollie is. This is for the best.”

  I turned off the hob and took the wooden spoon from her hand. “It’s awful news, Autumn. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she said through gritted teeth. “Like I said, it’s fine. If you don’t want me to stay on, that’s fine too I can find something else. I can—” She pulled in a breath. “I can even go back to Oregon for a while. I’ll get to spend some time with my mom and dad.”

  How was she just shrugging this off? I knew the last thing she wanted to do was go back to Oregon.

  “You’re right. I don’t want you staying on as Bethany’s nanny,” I said, holding her by the shoulders. “I want you to be doing what you’ve had your heart set on for months.”

  “Well, that option is no longer on the table. You have to deal with what you’ve got, not what you’d like. Let’s look on the bright side—”

  “No, Autumn. Let’s not look at the bright side. Let’s get drunk and send those arseholes who just fired you a letter telling them you’re going to sue them. They can’t just string people along like that.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, picking up the wooden spoon and stirring the cooling curry. “That’s not going to help. I just need a few days to make a plan. Things will work out for the best. They always do.”

  “Autumn!” I snapped. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

  She turned, shock flashing behind her eyes. “What?”

  “You’re being ridiculous. You can’t tell me you’re not upset about this.”

  She shrugged. “There’s no point in putting my energy into being upset.” She stopped and winced. “Don’t say anything to Dexter. He’ll tell Hollie and she’ll start freaking out and it will be a mess.”

  “Freaking out would be the right response,” I said. She was behaving like a robot. I loved the fact that she was sunny and positive all the time, but she was taking it to an extreme. “You don’t need to look on the bright side tonight. Maybe not ever. Maybe this is just a shit thing that’s going to happen and you can be pissed off and angry and sad and—”

  She shoved the wooden spoon into the curry and pushed past me. “Worse things have happened to me, Gabriel,” she said, her voice lifting slightly as if she were on the verge of actually expressing how she felt. “I can’t break down when I have a setback. If I did, I’d never pull myself together. And I’d certainly never be able to help Hollie if I was constantly getting angry and pissed off about how life was unfair. These things happen.”

  “Just because worse things have happened—just because bad things happen—doesn’t mean you can’t feel things. It doesn’t mean you have to put on a smile and pretend everything’s okay. You can shout and cry and stamp your feet.”

  “That’s not what I do,” she said, her eyes beginning to water. “If I give in to it and collapse, I don’t know if I can get back up.”

  My heart squeezed. Here she was, trying to keep her chin up, when anyone else would have given in to devastation.

  “Of course, you will. You’re strong and capable and independent. But you don’t have to be all those things all the time. And I’m here to give you a hand up, if you need it.” I pulled her into my arms, and she sank into me, boneless.

  “I don’t know how to give in to it. I just . . . want to be happy.”

  I wanted that for her too. “Even the sun brings shadows,” I said. “Nothing is all good, all the time. It’s in the shades of grey that we learn who we are.”

  “I’ve always been the happy one. The one who pulls Hollie and me up and makes us believe we can get through.”

  I’d always loved how sunny and positive Autumn was. How she always saw the silver lining in every cloud. I hadn’t realized until tonight that she’d cultivated that disposition because she’d faced so many impossible situations. It was a coping mechanism as much as it was a personality trait.

  “Not all the time,” I said. “You can take turns.”

  Her sobs were almost unnoticeable, but I held her tightly as she let out everything she’d been holding on to. I wanted to make it better for her—perhaps that was the example she set me—but there was nothing that could make it better. Not tonight. This evening was just going to be terrible. All I could do was hold her.

  “I need wine,” she said eventually.

  “That I can do,” I said, not letting her go as I shuffled us both toward her glass.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she said, her voice wobbling. “Hollie is going to be so disappointed in me.”

  “No,” I said, pulling her tighter. “She’s going to be disappointed for you. Not in you. You don’t need to concern yourself about that.”

  “She’s going to worry.”

  “She knows you better than that. There’s no need to worry.”

  “There are always a thousand reasons to worry, Gabriel. And I don’t need to be one more.”

  Thoughts started to slot into my brain and make sense, like the final pieces of a jigsaw. She was always so happy and upbeat because she didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t want to be another item on anyone’s list of worries, especially not Hollie’s.

  “Your sister loves you. She’s bound to worry sometimes. That’s natural and it’s okay. But that doesn’t mean you’re a burden.”

  “She was the reason I had food in my belly and a roof over my head growing up.”

  “But not anymore. You got your executive training position yourself. You’ll get another. And you know what? You are a capable, independent, creative woman. I would bet money that you took a chunk of the burden growing up. I’ve seen the way you organize this house. And Bethany—you saved her life, for goodness’ sake. And you even organize me.” I nodded to the candidates for the new nanny she’d shortlisted. “I can’t imagine you ever being a burden. You might have been younger, and you might have supported each other in different ways, but you were both in a very difficult situation. You both fought hard to survive.

  “It’s okay for things not to be okay sometimes,” I said. “It’s okay to need help and it’s okay for people to give you help.” I kissed the top of her head. “I’m here to help where I can. Even if it’s to pour your wine. You will figure this out. I have no doubt.”

  Her bottom lip wobbled, and she rested her head on my chest. “How do you know exactly the right thing to say?”

  “Believe me, I learned what it is to need help and what it is to get it from five of the best friends a man can have.”

  “Even Tristan?” she asked.

  “Even him. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for any one of us. And vice versa. You have that with Hollie. It’s a two-way street.”

  “Thank you,” she said as she looked up at me. “I’m so disappointed. I thought I was about to make this final move away from my past. And without that job . . . I just don’t know where to go from here.”

  I nodded. “I understand. But you don’t need to know where to go right away. You have time to figure it out.”

  As I held her, I realized that the more I knew about Autumn, the more I liked her. Yes, I loved that she was sunny and positive and always looked for the silver lining. But I liked her even more as I understood why she was built lik
e that. Most of all, I felt honored to be the man who got to pour her wine and hold her when the sky clouded over, not a sliver of sunshine in sight.

  Twenty-One

  Gabriel

  I squeezed Autumn’s hand as she sat beside me in the cab on the way to the restaurant, trying to give her some wordless reassurance about tonight. So far, nothing I said had stopped her chewing her lip and digging her nails into my hand.

  I hadn’t seen Dexter since Autumn told her sister about our relationship, and Autumn hadn’t seen Hollie since she’d told her about losing her job just over a week ago.

  “I’m not sure I’m cut out for these fancy London restaurants, even though it’s my birthday,” she said. “I’m happy with meatloaf and a bottle of wine.”

  “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” It would be much easier for me to stay at home with Autumn. Dexter was going to be pissed. His anger wouldn’t change anything—I wasn’t going to give up Autumn.

  “Of course I have to go, are you kidding? Hollie has been planning this for weeks. And it will be nice,” she said as if she was convincing herself. “It’s good to get out and do things, and Hollie said the restaurant was amazing. Have you been before?”

  “Maybe,” I replied. The name sounded familiar, but a restaurant was a restaurant as far as I was concerned.

  “Apparently the bathrooms are eggs that open up or something.”

  “Eggs?” Jesus, couldn’t London restaurants just have good food and good wine and leave the rest up to the people who were dining?

  “Sounds weird. Anyway, it will give everyone something to talk about so hopefully they won’t focus on gossip.” Autumn wasn’t in her normally sunny mood tonight.

  “These are very old friends, Autumn. They won’t be gossiping. Well, not about me or you, anyway. Dexter messaged me and said he wanted a word and so no doubt, we’ll have to speak but everything’s going to be fine.”

  “It’s usually me telling you things will work out.”

  “Right? What happened?”

  “I just don’t want Dexter giving you a hard time. You and me . . . I’m a consenting adult.”

  “You’re also Hollie’s sister. He’s got a right to be protective. If I had a little more self-control around you then it would have been easier.”

  “Easier? It would be easier not to be with me?” Autumn’s clouds were out in force tonight, but I took it as a compliment that she was showing me what was going on inside her. I wasn’t sure there was anyone else in the world who got to see that.

  “That’s not what I said.” She thought I had regrets, but I didn’t. Not one. “But I breached Dexter’s trust. And he deserves an apology and some reassurance from me.”

  “Reassurance?”

  “You know, that I’m not going to dick you around.”

  “Have you ever dicked anyone around your whole life?” she asked.

  “No one’s perfect.”

  “If you say so.” She leaned against my shoulder and I pressed a kiss on the top of her head, thanking her for the compliment, despite it being far from true.

  We lived together. She knew my flaws. She understood how demanding my job was and how most of the time, I liked to escape into my workshop rather than talk about what was going on. I was closed off and wary of letting anyone in. But here I was, holding this woman’s hand. This person who was almost all sunshine but was finally letting me see her clouds.

  We pulled up in front of the restaurant and climbed the steps, where Dexter and Hollie stood waiting for us.

  “It’s the birthday girl,” Dexter said as he greeted Autumn with a kiss. “And my one-time best friend.”

  I sighed. “Are we going to have to duel?” I asked, shaking his hand.

  He cocked his head, indicating a bar across the hall. He turned to Hollie. “Order us something and we’ll be there in a minute, will you?”

  I pulled off my coat and unwrapped the scarf from my neck, and Dexter leaned against the bar.

  “Don’t fuck her around,” Dexter said.

  I nodded. “I won’t.”

  “And she’s young, Gabriel. I don’t want either of you to get hurt because you’re not heading in the same direction.” He paused. “But relationships are messy and if you end up with your heart splattered on the wall, I’m here for you, mate.”

  “I appreciate it. We’re not fast-forwarding anything. Just enjoying the moment.”

  He patted me on the shoulder. “Good. Shall we join the others?”

  “Is that it?”

  He shrugged. “What do you want me to say? I’m fucking happy you have someone. Autumn’s a great girl. You’ve said you won’t fuck her around and I believe you. What did I miss?”

  I was lucky to have a friend like Dexter. And the rest of them. Dexter knew my heart and trusted me. There really wasn’t anything more to say. “You’re a good man, Dexter Daniels.”

  “You too, Gabriel. I’m happy if you’re happy.”

  We headed back out to the lobby and got directed into the restaurant, where I could see Autumn and Hollie at the bar. She was laughing at something and then her hands were in the air and she was scrunching up her face.

  “What are you two laughing about?” Dexter said.

  “Autumn was just telling me about her bad mood today and I told her that it never lasts long.”

  “Right,” I said. “Ten minutes tops before she’s found a positive angle on the worst situation.”

  Someone called Autumn’s name and when we turned, Tristan and Joshua were heading toward us.

  “You look stunning,” Tristan said to Autumn, kissing her on the cheek. “So do you, Hollie. Great necklace.”

  “The beautiful birthday girl,” Joshua said, pulling her into a hug.

  I wanted my friends to like Autumn. I just didn’t want them to like her too much.

  “Right.” I had something to say. There was no point in hiding it from my friends any longer. “Joshua, and maybe you need to hear this too, Tristan. You should both know that Autumn and I are together. You can flirt all you like with her, but at the end of the night, she’s coming home with me.”

  Tristan’s eyebrows looked like they were going to disappear over the top of his head. “Fucking hell, I knew that face of yours would come in handy one day.”

  “What has my face got to do with it?” I asked, completely confused.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t know you’re a handsome devil,” he replied and nudged me.

  I shook my head. “I have no response to that.”

  “Can we eat now?” Autumn asked, sliding her hand into mine. It was the first time we’d held hands in public. Even in Rome, we’d had Bethany with us and hadn’t crossed that line. “I’m famished, as the Brits would say, and I need a drink so I can see these eggs everyone keeps talking about.”

  “Follow me,” said Dexter, leading us all over to the hostess. “Andrew, Beck, and Stella will have to catch up with us.”

  “Speak of the devil,” Joshua said. “The three most beautiful women in London and none of them on my arm. I need to figure out my priorities in life.”

  “You said it,” I said, slapping Joshua on the back as we made our way to the table. “I keep telling you, you work too hard.”

  “Right,” he said, offering me a half smile. “Maybe that’s it.”

  I made a mental note to take him to lunch in the next couple of weeks. Something was up but now wasn’t the time to get into it. I wanted tonight to be all about Autumn.

  Dinner was more enjoyable for me than for Autumn. These had been my friends for as long as I cared to remember, but I could tell Autumn wasn’t entirely herself. Like she said, she’d have been just as happy at home with meatloaf.

  I cleared my throat to get the table’s attention. “Can I suggest we finish up here? I’ve organized a little afterparty.”

  I could see Autumn looking at me out of the corner of my eyes, her eyebrows pinched together.

  “Afterparty?” Stell
a asked. “That sounds exciting.”

  I smiled. I was about to announce a trip to my own personal hell. But it would be worth it, because Autumn would have the time of her life. I hoped.

  “What do you have planned?” Dexter asked.

  I pulled out my phone. “I’ve hired this place out for our group.” I showed them a picture of the Theatre Café, which I’d found out was a little café on St. Martins Lane in the West End that was dedicated to musicals and regularly had cast members from current musicals in to perform. “I’ve invited some of the cast of Mamma Mia and Wicked along to sing some songs, and we all get to join in.”

  “Really?” Autumn asked me, clearly thinking I was joking. “Honestly?”

  “Wow,” Hollie said from across the table.

  “Unfortunately, Idina Menzel wasn’t available, but the stars from the current productions are coming,” I said. “I thought you’d like it.”

  Autumn shook her head, a grin spreading across her face like butter. “But you hate my singing.”

  “That’s true,” I replied. “But I want you to have a fantastic birthday more than I value my eardrums.”

  Autumn laughed. “You are the best of men, Gabriel Chase. I can’t imagine a better birthday gift.”

  Seeing Autumn happy would be worth enduring whatever was to come.

  Twenty-Two

  Autumn

  I wasn’t sure I’d ever been attracted to a man more than I was to Gabriel when he told Joshua and Tristan they could flirt all they liked, but I was going home with him. It encapsulated one of the things I liked best about him—he didn’t say much, but when he did, every word counted. He was all strong, brooding confidence that didn’t need to shout. Some guys were possessive or territorial, but it was all about their ego. When Gabriel said what he did, it was a statement of fact to stop his friends wasting their energy.

  And then he told us about the Theatre Café, and I didn’t know if I should kiss him into next week or faint from all the swooning.

  It was just past one in the morning when we got home, which meant we had six hours until Bethany got up.