SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror

by Belle Aurora

  “Perhaps,” he whispered.

  Oh, the whispering! It sent electricity straight to my Bermuda Triangle. He wrapped his large hands around my abdomen and slid them under the hem of my shirt. I sucked in a breath when his hands touched my skin. Slowly, he raised them until he was cupping my breasts.

  “Why the fuck are you wearing a bra? Your tits should be available at all times.”

  And in one solid motion he grabbed both cups of my bra and pulled them down, releasing my breasts from their confinement. He skillfully rolled my nipples with his fingers, giving them a small pinch. I cried out in both pleasure and pain.

  “Shh, or I’ll have to grab one of those kitchen towels and gag your mouth.”

  Oh, holy hell, I was going to explode like Slimer in Ghostbusters. All that would be left of me would be a puddle of orgasm on the floor. That would make interesting morning discussion.

  He continued his onslaught of my body by moving his hands from my breasts down to the front of my sweatpants and slipping his hands inside.

  “Let’s see how wet my sweetness is for me. If it isn’t slick enough, I might have to use my tongue.”

  Christ on a cracker. The man was going to kill me with his dirty mouth. My tombstone would read: Here lies Moxie. She was killed by dirty words. She didn’t stand a chance. God help her soul.

  Two thick fingers slid inside me, searching for the answer to his question.

  “Ah, you are wet. But you could always use some more slickness.”

  With urgency he pulled my sweatpants and panties down to my ankles, leaving me exposed to the cool air.

  “Bend forward, grab the counter, and spread.”

  I followed his instructions, bending at the waist and gripping the granite as if my life depended on it. Miles went down on his knees and pulled my hips back to meet his mouth with urgency and fervor. His tongue delved into my core, sweeping across in my clit with every stroke. I panted as the pleasure built up in my gut. His hands gripped my hips so hard, I knew he would leave bruise marks. And I loved every second of it.

  But then he stopped before I could find my release and moved back up my body. His mouth met my ear, and I could smell myself on his breath.

  “I was going to let you come on my tongue, but I need to be inside you right now, or I’ll fall apart.”

  My knees threatened to buckle at those words. I heard him pull his boxer briefs down releasing what I knew to be an impressive erection. He grabbed my sore hip and plunged deep inside of me, letting a pleading groan escape his lips.

  “Oh God, sweetness, you’re so damn tight,” he grunted in a low tone.

  I was swept away in the pleasure of the moment. His pace quickened and his breath became ragged. He reached around my waist to he could fondle my clit while to pounded into me.

  “Moxie, I want you to fucking come for me.”

  It only took those words to send me off the cliff. He moved the hand he was stroking me with up to cover my mouth and stifle my cries of pleasure. After a few more thrusts, he buried his head in my neck, biting the skin to quiet his own cries. After a few moments we both returned to earth and the present.

  Through my ragged breathing, I said, “We could have done this upstairs in bed.”

  Miles panted as well. “But where would be the mystery? That is the game right?”

  “I think you’re using sex as a distraction technique so you can win the game.” I chuckled.

  “No, I’m using sex because you’ve made my dick hard all night.”

  “You mean the love affair with the head of the pom-poms squad wasn’t it doing it for you?” I said, poking his chest lightly.

  “Nah, I always liked the misfits better. They were always more kinky.”

  I turned around and placed a sweet but hard kiss on his lips. “This misfit is now sated, happy, and ready to go back to bed.”

  I pulled my clothing back into place. Miles followed suit and grabbed my hand to lead me back upstairs. I reached our room and opened the door. When Miles had gotten up to come down stairs he had left a lamp on in the room so we could see our way back to the bed. But instead we saw Sam lay on our bed spread eagle naked as the day he was born. It was a horrific sight! He saw Miles and me and quickly grabbed the sheet to cover himself.

  “What the fuck?” I yelled. “What the hell are you doing in my bed butt ass naked?”

  “Didn’t Miles get the note?” His eyes widened and he rubbed the back of his neck.

  “You wrote the note?” I said.

  “Yeah. But he was supposed to get it so I could come in here and find you gloriously naked and horny.”

  “What the fuck was I supposed to do with the note?” Miles asked, trying very hard to keep calm.

  “You were supposed to go downstairs and look for clues. I figured you didn’t look very bright, so it would take you a while,” Sam said.

  Miles and I looked at each other, I gave him a wink and a smirk. Without saying anything he knew exactly what I meant.

  “You’re right, Sam, I must not be that bright. I’ll go back down and look for clues.” Miles took one more look at me and walked out of the room.

  Sam looked pleasantly surprised with this turn of events and eyed me like I was dessert. I glided over to the bed, crawled on top, and swung my leg over Sam’s lower thighs.

  I smirked at him and, in my most sultry voice, said, “You were right all along. I’ve been wanting you, bad.”

  “Yeah?” Sam said with the same excitement as a dog waiting for a bone.”

  “Yes. I’ve been waiting all night to do this,” I sat on my knees and flipped my hair, bringing on all the charm I could think off.

  “Give me all you’ve got, baby.”

  I smiled, balled my hand into a hard fist, and punched his groin.

  He let out a high pitched yelp, grabbed his balls, and tried twisting his body to the side. Miles came back into the room and surveyed the damaged. He threw his hand in the air and gave me a high five. “Nicely done.”

  I climbed off the bed and turned my attention back to Sam. “You have two seconds to get your bruised balls out of our room.”

  He slithered out of the room, still clutching his balls.

  “So much for his family jewels,” Miles said.

  “Yup. He’ll be lucky if there are any family jewels left to sell on QVC after that punch.” I laughed.

  Chapter 9

  Morning arrived too quickly after our romp in the kitchen. I woke up alone and felt cold in the sheets. Miles had gotten up some time ago and was probably downstairs getting his coffee. I was sore all over my body, especially were Miles gripped my hips. But I loved feeling this way, taken by the man who stole my heart. And my vagina.

  I took a quick shower and got ready for a day of sleuthing. I walked downstairs and heard fast conversation. Or was it crying? I hurried into the dining room and found Miles, Renee, Ryan, Bob, and a crying, distressed Debbie.

  “What’s wrong?” I inquired.

  Debbie tried to speak through her broken sobs. “My jewelry is missing.”

  I thought back to last night and the impressive amount of jewelry she had on her body.

  “How much was taken?”

  “About one million dollars’ worth of jewelry,” Bob said as he tried to console his young bride.

  I couldn’t stop my lower jaw from falling to the floor when he said one million. I tried to put it into perspective by thinking about how many cupcakes I could buy with a million dollars. That was how I equated things… money to food. And that was a shitload of cupcakes.

  “Are you sure? You were wearing a lot of beautiful jewelry last night?” I asked when what I really wanted to say was, “Ho, you were drowning in diamonds last night, quit your bitching.”

  “Why don’t we go for another look,” said Ryan. “I’ll even go up and help you to look. Sometimes having a third set of eyes helps.”

  Debbie nodded and Ryan and Bob took her back upstairs to start searching. I looked at
Miles and Renee who sat in silence, staring at their cups of coffee.

  Renee shrugged. “I guess we have a new mystery on our hands.”

  “Dammit. I was finally on board with this stupid murder mystery, although last night there could have resulted in a real dead body.”

  “Excuse me?” Renee looked from Miles to me.

  “I’ll let Miles share the lovely details while I go feed the creature who owns me: my stomach.”

  I walked into the kitchen to get a helping of whatever Marie had made for breakfast. I was hoping for some pancakes, bacon and hash browns, but was sorely disappointed when all I spotted were a few Danishes and fruit. The Danish. What a disappointment when it came to breakfast pastries. Not as advanced as the croissant and not as fruity as a torte. Basically, it was just a damned outcast. Don’t even get me started on the cheese Danish. What a travesty.

  Marie stood at the stove, rolling something in her hands. I walked over to see if maybe I’d get lucky, and we’d have pancakes after all. She quietly muttered to herself and nervously shifted back and forth on her feet. I decided that I would have to cut off her coffee immediately or search for the coke was sniffing.

  “What are you making?”

  Marie gasped and turned around, dropped a ball of dough and put her hand over her chest.

  “Moxie, God you scared me.”

  “I see you’re a little on edge there. You might want to tone down the caffeine or take a break from a meth addiction,” I said, chuckling.

  She returned my joke with a small laugh, but turned around and continued her cooking.

  “What are you making?” I asked.

  “Um, dumplings.”

  “Those aren’t dumplings. Those are matzo balls,” I said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You know, matzo balls. They’re like dumplings but they are made from matzo meal and shaped into balls like the ones your making.”

  “Those aren’t balls. They’re dumplings. Besides, they’re made with flour.”

  I could see I was going to have to give Marie a lesson on Jewish culture. The matzo ball was an important part of Jewish food groups. It was sort of like the food pyramid. Except at the top of the pyramid was corned beef and pastrami, followed by chopped liver, pickled hearing, kugel, and then at the bottom was matzo balls. This diet was otherwise known as the constipation diet.

  But before I could argue my case of the matzo ball any further, yelling erupted from the dining room. I quickly exited the kitchen to see what was happening, and wondered idly if I needed to get the pepper spray from my bag. When we were packing, Miles asked why I had packed pepper spray in my bag. I told him if the house was haunted, I wanted to be prepared. And like the good man he was, he rolled his eyes at my oddities and continued on his way.

  “You took my jewels!” Debbie screamed at Sam, who was in nothing but his boxers.

  “What jewels? What are you even talking about? Sam raised both arms in the air as if someone was pointing a gun at him. “I did no such thing! I just woke up.”

  “Did you forget the rest of your clothes in our room?” I sneered.

  “I slept on the couch,” Sam admitted

  “Why was that?” Renee asked.

  “Destiny kicked me out.”

  Miles and I exchanged a silent agreement. We weren’t going to offer up the reason why Destiny might have kicked Sam out of the room. And like magic, Destiny appeared at the bottom of the steps with her bags.

  “You trashy bitch! You stole my jewelry,” Debbie snarled and prowled up to Destiny.

  “What the fuck are you bitching about, you beauty queen has-been.” Destiny got into Debbie’s personal space, and I swear she bared her teeth like a dog about to attack.

  I realized two things were happening. First, the mystery was no longer about the high school reunion, but instead Debbie’s lost million dollar jewels. And second, things were about to get ugly real fast.

  “You and your man-trash left the group yesterday so you could go into my room and steal my things.” Debbie’s hands were flailing as she spoke.

  “Sugar lamb, calm down,” Bob said.

  “I will not calm down. These two pieces of trash are thieves.”

  “I don’t have to listen to this shit,” Sam seethed and stormed past the group into the kitchen. Debbie was right behind him, followed by the rest of us who wanted to see what was going to happen. Marie froze with a matzo ball in her hand, even if she wouldn’t admit it was one.

  “Give me my things back or my husband will call the cops and take your nasty low-life asses to jail!” Debbie yelled.

  “Who are you calling low-life asses, you gold-digging bitch.”

  Before anyone else could react, Destiny grabbed a Danish and threw it right in Debbie’s face. Silence took over the room, but not for long.

  “And you,” Destiny said, pointing to Sam. “You’re a fucking cheater and an asshole.” She threw another Danish at Sam. Like I said before, the Danish really gets the short end of the stick.

  Sam slowly wiped away the cherry filling from his face. “If you weren’t such a cold bitch in the sack, I wouldn’t be looking to get some from Moxie.” Sam took the jug filled with orange juice and poured it over Destiny’s head.

  “Asshole!” Destiny shouted. She wiped the orange juice from her face and turned to face me. I widened my eyes, thinking I was next to get a Danish in the face. I was truly hoping for the cherry as the cheese and I were not on speaking terms.

  “You fat piece of lard,” Destiny said. “What would my boyfriend ever find attractive about you? You’re thighs are as big as a humpback whale. I’m surprised you haven’t crushed Miles’s head in between them.”

  Miles quickly moved in front of me. He knew that comment would send me over the edge, and I wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to protect me from a flying Danish or Destiny from my wrath.

  I tapped Miles on the shoulder and said, “I’m okay. I’m not going to let it get to me.” Miles moved away, watching me the whole time. Tensions were high in the room, and I spoke quietly.

  “I will not say anything I might end up regretting later.” I continued talking while walking over to where Marie was standing. She looked nervous as I fingered the counter and then turned around. “I don’t believe in belittling someone with hurtful words because I’m a bigger person than that.”

  “I would be an emphasis on bigger,” Destiny said with a snort.

  I continued. “There are better ways for me to express what I am feeling.”

  “And what’s that? Eating your emotions?” Destiny retorted with a snotty laugh.

  “No,” I said calmly. “With you eating my emotions.” With one swift move, I grabbed a matzo ball out of the pan nearby and pitched it right into Destiny’s face. The pieces of dough exploded on impact. But something that sparkled at impact, and everyone looked down at Destiny’s feet. Lying on the ground among the matzo ball dough was a diamond.

  “Holy shit, “Renee whispered.

  I quickly turned around and dug my hands in the dumpling on the counter. As I tore them open, one by one, pieces of Debbie’s jewelry came tumbling out.

  “My jewelry!” Debbie squealed, running over to the counter. Marie made a sprint toward the door, but Tom and Raj blocked the way out. She was trapped with nowhere to run. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she mumbled something about foreclosure and unpaid credit card bills.

  All of us watched a solicitous Marie, but when Sean burst into the kitchen, all eyes turned to him.

  “What the hell happen?” he asked. It didn’t take long for him to spot the busted matzo ball and jewelry lying on the floor. He slowly looked from the floor to everyone else and then tried to reverse his entrance by slowly backing out of the room. Ryan and Miles both bolted toward Sean, grabbing him by his shirt.

  “Someone call the police,” Renee exclaimed through her hand covering her mouth.

  “I got it,” Bob said as he pulled his phone from his pocket.
r />   Renee came to my side and patted my arm. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m completely amazed.”

  “Yeah, this turned out to be crazy.”

  “No, not about that.”

  “Then what?”

  “I am speechless because I want her recipe to make huge matzo balls that hide things. Think of the possibilities! I could be the first Jew to patent a matzo ball!”

  Chapter 10

  Renee and I stood on the front porch as two police officers handcuffed Marie and Sean and tucked them into a police cruiser. Debbie and Bob gave a third officer a statement of what had happened. Miles and Raj walked out of the house while speaking to a fourth officer.

  “It looks like Sean and Marie had a large amount of credit card debt, and they were facing a foreclosure on their house as well,” the officer said.

  “It explains why they were trying to steal Debbie’s jewelry,” Raj commented.

  I slowly started clapping and all four heads turned to me. “It looks like we have a winner folks.”

  “What are you talking about?” Renee asked.

  “Of the mystery game. No one was murdered and it turned into a case of stolen jewels. If I’d known, I would have brought my Indiana Jones costume.”

  “You have an Indiana Jones costume?” Raj asked while crossing his arms over his chest.

  “Hey, don’t judge. What Miles and I do in the bedroom is none of your concern.”

  Renee’s body shook with laughter. “What do you do? Dig around under the sheets in search of the Holy Grail?”

  “Oh, I found the Holy Grail all right, and let me tell you, it is indeed quite holy.”

  “Okay,” Miles broke in the conversation. “If we are all done talking about my golden treasure, we should see how the rest of the people are before making our way back into the city.”

  The four of us walked back into the house where we met up with Ryan and Tom, who were arguing again. I wanted to put them in the circus and call their act “The Arguing Gays.” They obviously have a real talent for it lately.

  “I said I would drive home.” Ryan said and shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.