by Jade White
He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. “I’m sorry. I don’t seem to be very good at talking to you, Eleri. I only meant to apologize for my behavior.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” she said, ducking her head to hide the fact that her face felt like it was on fire. Was it a good sign that he was sorry? She wasn’t sure, but she did know that it was one moment she did not want to replay. At least, not the later part of it. “I’ll get us some food,” she offered, hoping for a moment to compose herself.
When she returned a short while later with their meal, an assortment of small pies filled with meat, cheese, or fruit, she found Carwin watching the fire with a thoughtful expression. He smiled at her approach, but it was different from his usual smile in a way she couldn’t define.
“I was not idle. I managed to procure a drink while you were gone,” he said, holding up a full wineskin. “Although I’m not entirely sure what it is.” He uncorked it and sniffed the contents, and it must have met with his approval because he took a long drink, humming in appreciation before handing it to her. “You should try it.”
Eleri took the wineskin and put her nose to the opening. It smelled like flowers, quite unlike any wine or ale she’d ever tasted. Usually, she drank tea. “What is it?”
“Metheglin,” he replied with a smile. “Honey wine with herbs. Don’t drink too much if you aren’t used to it, or I’ll end up having to carry you to bed like a sack of flour.”
Somehow, Eleri doubted he meant the phrase the way she was imagining it. She took a quick drink to cover the blood rushing to her face. The wine was warm and sweet, like honey but not so thick or cloying. It tasted like a summer day distilled into liquid, warming her all the way to her toes. “I can see how easy it would be to get drunk from that stuff,” she said. “It’s delicious.” Maybe she should drink more. She thought she remembered someone saying that drunkenness could give you courage.
They ate and drank in companionable silence for several minutes. Night was truly falling now, and though there were still plenty of revelers in the courtyard, Eleri could see that they were starting to pair off. Rhian had explained the custom of couples going in to the woods around the temple, ‘to celebrate the joy of love,’ as she had so tactfully put it.
They were supposed to come back in the morning with flowers to decorate the temple grounds. It sounded truly magical, like something out of a story. A happy story, not the horrific tragedy she seemed to have landed herself in. Eleri sighed, feeling both wistful and resigned.
“Have you never celebrated Nos Calan Mai before?” Carwin asked, his voice only just audible over the music.
“No,” she replied with a mirthless chuckle. “I suspect my parents thought this kind of thing would be both dangerous and inappropriate for a young lady. Why do you ask?” She turned to look at him, and he glanced away, unwilling or unable to meet her eyes.
“I was only going to say... If there was someone you would like to... That is, you don’t have to stay here with me. If you’d rather not.”
Eleri stood up with a scowl, chiding herself for once again being foolish. “If you wish to be left alone, you need only to say so.” Of course, he wouldn’t want to spend the evening with her. He’d made that abundantly clear before, and she had been stupid to imagine otherwise. Her eyes were already burning, but she summoned up whatever dignity that remained to her and started to walk away, but someone grabbed her hand.
“Eleri,” said Carwin’s voice, with a much more plaintive note than she had ever heard. “Please look at me.” She couldn’t even begin to refuse that request, and when she turned, she was stunned to see that he looked as wounded as if she’d stabbed him in the heart. “That isn’t what I meant, but as I said previously, I’m not very good at this sort of thing.” His eyes were wide and unguarded, emeralds sparkling in the firelight, and when he drew her into his arms, she did not resist.
There was a pause. The drumbeat of her own heart drowned out the music as they looked at one another, and Carwin leaned forward until his forehead pressed into hers. He sighed out a long, slow breath. “What I wanted to say... Eleri, there is no one else I would rather be with tonight, if you will have me.”
“Oh.” Whatever she had expected, it wasn’t that, and now she felt a little ashamed about her earlier outburst. “Carwin, I...”
He pulled back, holding her at arm’s length and looking at her with a conflicted expression. “I would understand if you didn’t want to. You shouldn’t feel obligated.”
Eleri laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. “Apparently, we are equally inept at talking,” she said. Then she stepped into his arms and kissed him. This time was different than the first, though his initial surprise was comically similar. But then his arms wrapped around her with no hesitation, pressing her close against his chest, and his lips claimed hers almost fiercely. They were both gasping when he pulled away.
“In this case, words do seem to be causing more problems than they are solving,” he murmured, moving his hand to brush the stray wisps of hair from her cheek. “Shall we go for a walk?” His voice was rougher than usual, and her stomach fluttered in anticipation.
“Yes,” she replied, placing her hand in his.
********************
They didn’t go far, just out of the range of the music and laughter. The full moon dappled the ground with pale light and made the trees shine silver, but all Eleri noticed was the warmth of Carwin’s hand enveloping hers. The longer they walked in silence, the more nervous she became. Finally, they came to a clearing that appeared both out of the way and unoccupied, and they stopped by unspoken agreement.
Carwin unclasped his cloak and spread it on the ground like a blanket, and Eleri followed suit. Her shiver as it fell from her shoulders was not from the cold.
He took her hand and brought it to his lips, drawing her close. “Are you afraid, Eleri?” he asked, his eyes dark with concern. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”
It would do no good to lie, she decided. “Not of you.” Despite their previous misunderstandings, she felt, deep in her bones, that if there was anyone in the world she could trust, it was him. “It is only... I’ve never...” she ducked her head, red-faced.
“I know,” he said, guiding her toward their piled cloaks. “Come sit with me a moment. There is no need to rush.” She lowered herself to the ground next to him, and he pulled her into his lap. Once the shock wore off, it proved to be quite pleasant; she could feel his warmth surrounding her, and when her own heart ceased its pounding, she could feel his heartbeat against her back. His arms moved around her waist and took her hands in his own. “Despite what your nursemaid may have insinuated, relations between men and women do not have to be painful and frightening,” he murmured in her ear.
She laughed a little at his accurate guess, and he pressed a soft kiss to the side of her neck, making her shiver. But there was something bothering her, and it felt important enough that she didn’t want to let herself be distracted. “May I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Though I hope it will be something that I am capable of answering.”
This was a question that only he could answer, but she wasn’t sure he would want to. “Why now? A few days ago, I would have sworn you weren’t interested in me.”
He sighed, resting his chin on the top of her head while his thumbs rubbed over the inside of her palms. For a moment, she wondered if he would speak at all. “I didn’t refuse you because I don’t care about you, Eleri,” he said finally, his voice strained. “Although, until today, I had resigned myself to allow you to think so. I thought it was for the best. I am hardly suitable for you.”
Eleri frowned. “The man who was supposedly most suitable for me is dead, Carwin. My family is gone. At this point, I feel that my definition of suitability has changed somewhat.”
“I can make no promises to you,” he said, barely above a whisper. She turned in his arms and saw that his face was drawn
with regret. Her heart tightened painfully, and she reached up to hold his face in her hands.
“Leaving out the why for the moment, I never asked you to make any promises to me,” she said in a gentle tone. He raised his eyes to meet hers, placing one of his hands over hers and pressing it to his cheek.
“Just because you did not ask for them does not mean I would not give them, if I could,” he replied, turning to kiss her palm. “You deserve a life of happiness.”
“You still haven’t told me what made you change your mind.”
“Selfishness,” he admitted with a wry smile. “When I offered to bring you to the temple with me, it was because I hoped the druids would offer you the chance to stay as an initiate. It would be a safe and happy life for you, letting me continue on my quest without worrying about how you were faring.” He sighed, his eyes looking off into the distance. “But fate led us to arrive on Nos Calan Mai, and I realized...” He focused on her again, his eyes bright. “I couldn’t bear to see you with someone else, if there was a chance that you might be with me instead.”
Eleri smiled, though the knowledge was bittersweet. She was glad that he wanted to be with her, but his explanation brought up more questions than it answered. However, she decided that now was not the time to pursue it further. “I wish that you would be more clear about why you think you’re so inappropriate for me,” she said. “But for right now, I would simply like to be with you because that is what I want. Until now, I haven’t had the luxury of choosing many things for myself, but I would choose no other.”
“You could do me no higher honor,” he said roughly, bending down to meet her lips with his own. She wrapped her arms around his neck and felt his tongue brush her lower lip. A buzzing heat shot all the way to her toes, and her mouth opened slightly, inviting further exploration. She melted into his arms; his fingers ran through her hair, and his mouth moved along the line of her jaw. Her whole body was suffused with warmth, but she could feel it most between her legs, and she knew, with a thrill of realization, that this was what it meant to desire someone.
It made her feel bolder. Eleri slipped her hands just under the collar of his shirt to feel the smoothness of his skin. Carwin made a small sound of pleasure and surprise, and his fingers went to the laces of her bodice, his eyes catching hers in a question. She couldn’t say words, didn’t want them to get in the way, so she kissed him again in answer.
He seemed to understand because he pushed the garment from her shoulders so that it pooled at her waist, leaving only the thin cotton shift, which he moved aside so that his mouth could find the hollow where her shoulder met her neck.
It was a delicious sensation that had her shuddering and made her want to return in kind. She pulled at his tunic, somewhat ineffectively, and he quirked an eyebrow at her. Drat him. He would make her say it. “I want to see you,” she said, hiding her embarrassment with feigned hauteur.
Of course, he saw through her ruse and laughed as he undid his belt. “I must warn you that it’s not a particularly lovely sight at the moment,” he said, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it aside. She could see what he meant. There was a livid bruise larger than her hand across his ribs and an ugly wound stitched shut right under his collarbone, not to mention smaller cuts and bruises.
“Oh, Carwin,” she whispered with a pang of guilt. “Aren’t you in pain?” Her concern for his health had done little to diminish her interest. No matter what he said, she found him quite pleasing to look upon, and it was only a fear of hurting him that stopped her from touching him.
“Not terribly,” he assured her. “And you are providing a wonderful distraction, so please don’t stop on my account,” he added with a playful grin.
“Oh.” She wasn’t sure whether to be excited or embarrassed by that comment, but she took the invitation for what it was and placed her hands gingerly on his chest. His skin was warm, and the sprinkling of blond hair there felt interesting under her fingers.
She had never noticed it before, but he was wearing a necklace, a sparkling oval pendant on a leather thong. It was of a material she couldn’t even begin to guess at, iridescent even in the faint moonlight, but Carwin kissed her again, and she left her curiosity aside.
Growing braver, she slid her palms up and over his shoulders, feeling his back muscles moving under his skin while kissing the indent of his collarbone. The smell of an autumn forest rose in her nostrils. Somehow, he managed to pull her shift over her head in one smooth movement, and she gasped in surprise, covering herself with her hands as the cool evening air washed over her bare skin.
“Will you not let me see you as well?” he asked gently, and she looked up into his eyes and remembered that she trusted him, that she wanted this. She nodded, biting the inside of her lip at the wave of warmth roused by the heat of his gaze. He took her hands and pulled them away, and for a moment, all he did was look. Her face burned with embarrassment at first, and the shame that had been drilled into her since childhood made her feel nearly sick with fear, but Carwin’s expression was almost reverent.
“You are beautiful, Eleri. Nothing to be ashamed of,” he whispered. Something about the combination of the words and the tone served to undo her anxiety enough to slide her hands back around his neck. He pulled her close to kiss her, and the sensation of his skin pressing into her, of his hands on her bare back, was overwhelmingly intoxicating, erasing the remainder of her reservations.
She poured herself into kissing him, daring even to let her tongue slide into his mouth, and his fingers flexed against her as he made a soft sound of pleasure. She lost herself in touch and taste, forgetting that she’d ever worried about propriety as he cradled her breasts with utmost gentleness, his mouth moving to her neck and then her ear. His thumbs caressed her nipples, and her back arched against him as she let out a soft, blissful moan.
Then he was pressing into her, guiding her to lie back on their cloaks in the grass, and she trembled with excitement and nervousness when he pulled the rest of her dress away, leaving her in only her underclothes. She was no longer afraid, Eleri realized, holding out her arms to embrace him as he knelt between her legs, but Carwin, it seemed, was not yet done with preparations.
He kissed her throat, and she felt, for the first time, the soft scrape of teeth against her skin. A soft gasp escaped her mouth and was transformed into a moan when his mouth moved to her breast, sucking gently on her nipple. It was so wonderful she thought her mind would shatter, and then she felt a feather light touch between her legs.
He caressed her through the thin fabric of her underclothes, and it was like nothing she had ever imagined. Her body burned with need. Despite the newness of it all, she could feel there was something more just out of reach. His mouth moved lower, and she barely noticed when he removed this last bit of fabric between them.
She couldn’t have stopped him even if she had wanted to. He kissed her stomach while his fingers glided down the insides of her thighs, and her legs fell open without any conscious prompting. Then she felt his breath, scorching hot against her maidenhood.
“Oh, Blessed Mother,” she groaned, her body trembling and her fingers buried in his hair. What happened next, she could barely comprehend. His tongue was between her legs; he was kissing her there, and it felt like being struck by lightning. Wonderful, ecstatic lightning that arced through her body while a blissful pressure seemed to build inside her mind and her loins all at once.
She writhed against him, calling his name in desperate joy, and something released within her, a dam breaking that spilled out a rush of pleasure that she could never have imagined. It rolled over her in waves, and when it subsided, she felt limp and weak, but astoundingly content.
Carwin moved to lie beside her, looking not a little smug. “Have I succeeded in proving your nursemaid wrong?”
She laughed breathlessly, rolling into his embrace. “Yes, quite. Congratulations on your victory,” she replied, punctuating the statement with a kiss. She didn’t
think she could ever tire of kissing him, but she also knew that there was something he’d left out. “But she did tell me the basics of how it works, and I feel we’ve missed a crucial step. For one thing, you appear to still be half-dressed.”
He chuckled, his voice low and husky. “You’re quite observant, but a true gentleman always makes sure that his lady enjoys herself. Are you sure you wish to continue?” Even after what they had just done, he was giving her an escape route. Eleri couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see what a good man he was. In any case, she was committed. Partly, she felt keen to repay him for the amazing experience she’d just had, but also, she was curious and even eager, now. If she was going to give herself to anyone, she wanted it to be him.
“I am. I want to be with you. In every way,” she said, feeling more confident than she would have ever thought possible. Then, a mischievous notion came to her mind. “I could help you with your clothes.” He gasped as she trailed her hand teasingly down his abdomen, and when she reached the lacing of his pants, she could see and feel how much he wanted her.
“Eleri,” he whispered hoarsely as she stroked the bulge through the leather of his breeches and felt him quiver under her touch. His eyes were dark with need as she kissed his chest and unlaced his pants, his erect manhood springing free from its confines when she pulled them down his legs and away. She looked at it for a moment, nervousness and curiosity warring. Was it supposed to be that big? She had no way of knowing, but on the other hand, there was something innately silly about it that made it less intimidating.
