Tell A Thousand Lies

by Rasana Atreya

  “How did you know who I was?”

  Dr. Janaki kept her head bent. “Headmaster garu in Mallepalli. He and I were neighbours in my village. He was a few years older than I. Though he took the job in Mallepalli, he’s always kept track of me because our parents were friends and neighbours. He knows how badly my father-in-law treated me, how he took my only child away. He’s been like an older brother, always trying to help, always keeping me informed about the developments in my son’s life.”

  “But when he brought Srikar to my grandmother’s house, he told us that you’d abandoned Srikar when he was two, that no one knew where you where.”

  “To protect me. No one knows of my connection to him.”

  “So you found me through him?”

  She nodded. “He told me about Srikar’s marriage to you, about the circumstances.”

  “And what do you feel about that?”

  “The marriage?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m proud of my son.” Her voice caught. “I’m proud that he is a man of principles. I’m proud that my father-in-law wasn’t able to corrupt him.”

  “And what do you think of me?” My voice was small.

  “I think you’re a lovely young girl. A little lacking in self-confidence, but lovely all the same. Someone I’d be proud to claim as my daughter-in-law.”

  “What about the colour of my skin?”

  “What has that got to do with anything?” She looked puzzled.

  I shook my head – had she not seen the fairness ads on television?

  She said, “I’ve been keeping track of the two of you, thanks to Headmaster garu’s kindness. I had someone watching your flat in Hyderabad.”

  “So you knew I’d been kidnapped.” I was incensed. “Why didn’t you call the police?”

  “With Kondal Rao’s connections, you think it would have made a difference?”

  My anger drained away. What she said was true. In all probability, the police would have provided Kondal Rao with an armed escort all the way here.

  “When Kondal Rao dropped you off, I applied for a position in this Home.”

  “Why would you approach me, but not your own son? He said he’s not seen you since he was a baby.”

  She was quiet for so long I thought she wasn’t going to answer. “The last time I went to my in-laws’ house was when Srikar was fourteen,” she said abruptly. ”I begged my mother-in-law to let me see him. She, bless the wonderful lady, called him out to the courtyard, but he refused to talk to me. He refused to even raise his head. He didn’t spare me a glance. He broke my heart.” Her voice was a whisper. “I never had the courage to approach him again.”

  “Why would he do something like that?” I couldn’t understand a child not wanting his own mother. I knew how much I missed my own.

  “Kondal Rao filled his ears with lies. Never let me meet my son. He thinks I abandoned him.”

  “Did you? Abandon him, I mean.”

  “No! I loved him with all my heart. It was harder to leave my son behind, than my husband.”

  “Then why did you?”

  “Dr. Janaki!”

  Dr. Janaki jerked her head up at the ayah’s call. “We’ll talk later.” She sniffed, surreptitiously wiping her eyes with the edge of her sari.

  ><

  I walked along the walls of the campus, mind churning. Dr. Janaki, the mother of my husband. It was just too incredible. An educated, confident lady like Dr. Janaki was my mother-in-law? My heart tripped. Maybe she could help me keep my child. After all, the baby was her grandchild.

  Over the next few days, Dr. Janaki took me for a walk under the guise of discussing lessons for the girls’ education. “Sad as your story is, it’s not unique. Every girl here has some variation to tell, perhaps not as dramatic, but sad nonetheless. What you do next will set you apart from the rest. I think you should continue your education.”

  “What about the baby?”

  “I’m too new here. They don’t trust me as yet. Give me time to work out a plan.”

  My heart lightened. They couldn’t take my baby away. We wouldn’t let them. “Should I study to be a secretary?”

  Dr. Janaki clicked her tongue impatiently. “Don’t think small, Pullamma. I think you should study medicine. I have been watching you on my rounds. I see how you help the girls with their classes. You have the aptitude, and the compassion. You’d make wonderful doctor.”

  “Me, a doctor?” I laughed. “My sister’s the brilliant one. She was going to be the doctor.”

  “Be that as it may, you underestimate yourself. You pick things up very fast.” She drew me closer.

  “What about my school leaving certificate?”

  “The Headmaster from your village will help that.”

  “How about admission into college? I’ll have to write entrance tests.”

  “Not if we go to Bangalore. The private medical college I’m talking about is run by a man who was very grateful for my treatment of his daughter. He promised me he would repay me back someday. That someday is now. He will get you a seat in the management quota. We’ll make a life for ourselves, the baby, you and I.” Aunty’s voice was insistent, as if she were trying to convince herself as much as me. “Between the two of us, we’ll manage your classes, and my practice.”

  “What about Srikar?”

  “Do you honestly think Kondal Rao will allow you go back to him?”

  I watched the chicks chase each other.

  “Pullamma?”

  I shook my head, bringing my attention back to Dr. Janaki. “I don’t know, but if I’m able to get back to him, I’ll have no use for further education.”

  “Fine, then. I’ll help you escape. After that seek out Srikar, by all means. But, if things don’t work out, and with Kondal Rao involved, I don’t see how they will, keep the education option open. Okay?”

  I sighed. First son, then mother. “What about the money for college?”

  “I’ve saved enough over the years. It would give me great pleasure to use it for you, and for my grandchild.”

  I blinked back tears, touched by her gesture. “How would I study without Kondal Rao finding out?” I wondered how she thought we’d get away with this.

  “Since the college is in a different State, your risk of discovery will be quite low.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  She put a hand on my arm. “Say ‘yes.’ Give me a chance to do something for my son, even if it is indirectly.” Her voice broke. “Please?”

  I nodded.

  “Good.” Dr. Janaki sniffed. “No go back to your dormitory. Can’t make these people suspicious.”

  “Would you like me to call you Attayya there is no one around?”

  “No! Dr. Janaki is fine. We cannot risk giving our relationship away.” She gave me a hug. “Now, go.”

  ><

  That night I curled up in bed, imagining a future with my child. He’d be handsome, with Ammamma’s colouring, and Srikar’s features. What if he were born as dark as me? I felt a pang of fear. No, I must be positive. God wouldn’t do that to me. But still, dark or not, I’d love him with all my heart. As soon as he was born we would sneak out of the hospital, get as far away from this cursed place as we could. If it meant I’d have to sew for a living, so be it. My son was far more important to me than being a doctor. Maybe someday we’d be able to live as a family – my baby, his father and I. And Dr. Janaki. Strange to think such a nice lady could be a mother-in-law. My eyes closed.

  I heard a cry. Getting up, I turned on the lights. Geeta was in labour. I hurried downstairs to the dining hall, where the security guard sat upright in an uncomfortable chair, emitting half-snorts.

  “Get up, get up,” I screamed. “Call the doctor.”

  The man awoke with a jerk. Hopefully, Dr. Janaki was on call.

  I rushed back upstairs, panting and out of breath. By now the rest of the girls had crowded around Geeta. “Move back. Move back,” I said, waving them
away. “Give the poor thing room to breathe.” The girls looked scared. I rubbed Geeta’s back for almost an hour before the doctor showed up. It was not Dr. Janaki.

  “Back to bed,” the doctor ordered the girls crowding Geeta’s bed. “The drama is over.”

  “Can I come with you?” I pleaded. “I won’t get in your way. I’ll just hold Geeta’s hand.”

  “If I needed you to practice ‘doctory,’ I would have told you,” the woman said, shoving me aside.

  Two men came up with a stretcher.

  I hurriedly gathered Geeta’s things together in a small bag. I called out after her, promising to visit soon. I didn’t seem to have good luck with friends named Geeta. Because, by next morning, Geeta was dead. I never did find out what happened to her baby.

  Chapter 36

  Baby is Born

  Geeta’s death had left me distraught. I wondered how a healthy young girl like her could lose her life in childbirth. When I asked Dr. Janaki, she had a fearful look on her face.

  I was nearing the end of my own term. Before Geeta’s death I had elaborate fantasies about how I’d take my baby, and run. We’d seek out Srikar, build a cosy life for the three of us, perhaps help Srikar and Dr. Janaki reconcile. Now I had no illusions left. This place was more heavily guarded than the Chief Minister’s residence. I could see no way out. The only thing I could do was extract a promise from Dr. Janaki that she would personally deliver my baby.

  One night, just as we were heading to the dining hall, the obese Warden cocked a finger at me. I went to her apprehensively. Being singled out by Manga Madam was never a good thing.

  “Pack your bag, and come to my office,” she said.

  “Why?”

  “Madam has so much status now that she can question me?”

  “Should I come after dinner?”

  “Did I say after dinner?”

  I looked at the other girls; they were pretending to look at the walls, the ceilings, the floor. Biting my lip, I went up the stairs to pack, my heart knocking against my ribs. Dr. Janaki was away. Is that why they’d picked this time? Did they suspect something?

  An ayah escorted me down. The Warden was already in the car. The engine was running, a door held open.

  “Get in,” the Warden said.

  I got in. “Where are we going?”

  She leaned across, and slapped me.

  I clutched my bag tightly, staring sightlessly out of the window as we flew past the scenery, wishing Dr. Janaki hadn’t picked this particular week to be away. Something bad was going to happen, I just knew it.

  We drove up to a hospital. The Warden ordered me out.

  A large orderly in shabby overalls caught my arm and said, “Come with me.”

  The car was already pulling away, the Warden in it. The orderly took me to a room, and said, “Wait here for the operation. You are going to have your baby today.”

  “But I am not due yet. I have another week. No one told me about the operation.” My heart began to pound. “Phone Dr. Janaki. The Warden should have her number. She will tell you that I have no complications. She said I could wait for a normal delivery.”

  I could have been talking to the so-be-it Gods for all the attention the orderly paid me. He stepped out, and I heard the sound of a lock. Then it hit me. My being here today was no random occurrence. They were going to do to me whatever it was they wanted to do, while Dr. Janaki was away.

  I wrapped my arms, trying not to think what would happen. I closed my eyes and started to pray: I know I lie occasionally, but don’t think I have told that many. Please, God, let my child be a boy. And let them not take him away.

  ><

  My head was spinning in circles. I tried to open my eyes, but it seemed like too much effort. I touched my belly and snatched my hand back; the area around my stomach felt like burning coal had scorched it. “My baby!” The thought suddenly slammed into me. I forced my eyes open and started to thrash about, my voice getting louder. “My baby, what did you do to my baby?”

  A nurse hurried over. “You have just come out of an operation. You need to rest.”

  “Where is my baby?” I screamed, trying to sit up.

  The woman in the bed across from me was staring.

  The nurse put a hand on my shoulder, forcing me down.

  “I want to see my baby,” I sobbed.

  Another nurse ran across the room, and jabbed a needle in my arm.

  I fought against losing consciousness, but darkness enveloped me.

  ><

  When I came to again, Dr. Janaki was sitting by the bed. “Are you thirsty?” she asked. Her voice was very gentle.

  I nodded.

  She helped me sit up.

  As I took small sips of water, I noticed the bed across from me was empty. I lay back exhausted. “Do you want to sleep some more?”

  “I just want my baby,” I pleaded.

  Dr. Janaki took my hand in hers. “Pullamma, I want you to be strong. What I have to tell you isn’t good.”

  “Just tell me,” I begged. “I can’t bear it.”

  “You had a little girl. She was stillborn.”

  “That is a lie,” I screamed. “I was carrying a boy. I could feel it. They must have sold him. Why else would they have operated on me?” I started to hit Dr. Janaki, the tears in my eyes blurring my vision. I tore at her hair, her face, anything I could reach. Dr. Janaki closed her eyes, tears running down her own cheeks. She did not stop me.

  “Please tell me they are lying,” I begged. “Please give me my baby.”

  “She was born dead, Pullamma.”

  “I don’t believe it.” I sat up, my jaw stubborn. “You said I’m healthy. You said there was no reason I shouldn’t have a safe delivery. I think they gave my baby away.”

  “I saw her myself. She didn’t make it.”

  “She can’t be dead. She just can’t. You’re lying.”

  “No, Child.” Dr. Janaki sounded devastated.

  A cry was wrenched from me. I fell back against the bed, and broke down. I cried for what seemed like hours. Dr. Janaki held me, rubbing her hands over my back. A while later I pulled away and reached for the glass of water. “How does she look?”

  I had to know.

  “Pullamma, she is gone.”

  “Does she have Srikar’s features? I need to see her.”

  “It will just hurt you.”

  I sat up, shaking. “I have to see her. I have to name her. She isn’t some nameless baby, some roadside trash that I can just discard. She needs to know she was loved.”

  Dr. Janaki rested her head on my shoulder, her body trembling. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I said. I was calm now. “I owe it to her. I owe it to Srikar. He doesn’t even know he had, then lost, a daughter.”

  At a nod from Dr. Janaki, the nurse brought over a small wrapped bundle. I took it gently. Then I looked into the face of my baby. “Such long lashes,” I said, running my eyes over her face. My daughter! I had never known love this powerful. “She would have been such a beautiful baby.” My voice caught. “I would have loved her so much.”

  I said to Dr. Janaki, “You know, I promised myself that my children would have beautiful names?”

  Dr. Janaki nodded, tears flowing. The nurse was crying, too.

  “I am going to call my baby Vennela. She brought a ray of pure love into my life. It doesn’t matter she did not live. It doesn’t matter she was a girl. I am going to love her all my life. My little ray of heart-warming moonlight. Isn’t that a nice name?”

  “Beautiful,” Dr. Janaki said, voice choking.

  I looked at the nurse, still very calm. “I know you need to take her away for the last rites. But I want to hold her. Can you leave me alone for some time?”

  “Fifteen minutes,” the nurse said, sniffling. Dr. Janaki followed her out.

  And then I was alone with my baby. Mine and Srikar’s. I leaned over and rifled through my bag, laying a tiny pink frock with yellow smocking on
the infant. “Now I understand where my urge to learn smocking came from. It was so I could make you pretty dresses.” I held her up to my cheek. “I finally understand why your aunt Lata hated all the traditional sayings related to girls.” Tell a lie, beget a daughter. “You are worth all the lies in the world put together, my love. Your poor unfortunate father. You came and you left. He never even knew.”

  I rocked my baby till the nurse came.

  ><

  My infant daughter, being too young for cremation per Hindu rites, was buried. I wasn’t allowed to go because I was still recovering from my caesarean; Dr. Janaki was prevented from going, too – some cock-and-bull story that hospital rules prevented doctors from attending funerals of their patients. But I got Dr. Janaki to find out the location.

  Ten days after the birth and death of my baby, I stood over her grave and wept. I wept for my child, for my husband, for my dead friend Geeta, for the stripping of my illusions.

  Chapter 37

  Post Vennela

  Resident girls were discharged from the Home once they’d given birth to their shameful secret. But I, being a special case, wasn’t allowed to leave. Dr. Janaki urged me to use this time to prepare for college, but what was the point? With my baby gone, who would I study for?

  I sat near the chicken coop. After my baby’s death, I had no desire to make friends with anyone. A little distance away, a group of girls were practicing a song for some silly little function the Warden had dreamed up. The Chief Guest was some politician. Not Kondal Rao. Beyond that, I didn’t care. I watched the baby chicks chase each other.

  “How are you, Child?” Dr. Janaki sat next to me.

  “I’ve been watching the baby chicks, resenting that they’re chasing each other, having fun, while my baby was denied that chance.”

  “Oh, Pullamma!” She gave me a quick hug, then took a deep breath. “The function is tonight.”

  “I have no desire to go.” I hoped she wasn’t going to badger me to join in. I’d had enough of being positive.

  “You don’t understand.” Her voice was heavy with suppressed excitement. “This is our chance to escape.”

  “Oh!” My heart started beating hard. “You want me to pack?”