A Fallow Heart

by Kage, Linda

  But dear Lord, what if they had been that bad? What if she and Cooper had—?

  A muffled curse from her bathroom yanked Jo Ellen from her worries. She lifted her face, distracted. The sound of her medicine cabinet opening and shutting made her frown. “If you’re looking for my face cream, you still haven’t returned it from the last time you borrowed it.”

  “I’m not. I’m out of maxi pads. I need to borrow a couple of yours.”

  Jo Ellen made a face. “Seriously, Em. Don’t borrow them. It’s not as if I want them back after you’ve used them. Just take some.”

  “Hardy har har,” Em muttered, only to curse again. “Okay, princess, I give. Where the hell are they?”

  Rolling her eyes, Jo Ellen glanced down at the notepad on her lap. A white page full of blue lines and three holes along the left side stared up expectantly, waiting for her to come to a decision. “Try under the sink behind the extra toilet paper rolls,” she suggested, though her concentration was already back on the letter. Being called princess didn’t even faze her.

  Emma Leigh had given her the nickname years ago when Jo Ellen told their grandpa she wanted to be a princess when she grew up. At first, Em had been degrading when she’d said it, but these days, it was closer to a term of affection in her book. Still, the label usually made Jo Ellen seethe.

  Today, she was too busy wondering what she should write to care.

  Dear Cooper, Did we have sex?

  There, that sounded simple enough, straight forward, to the point, and way too brave for her to even think about writing on a piece of paper. She set her ink to the page, certain something would come if she simply started, but she doodled out a happy face instead of a salutation. Then she gave the face a body, arms, legs. Groaning, she ripped her picture from the pad and crumpled it as well.

  It had been nearly three weeks since that night and it still bothered her every hour of every day. Even the beginning of school hadn’t deterred her thoughts from her horrid actions with a guy who was most certainly not her boyfriend. What was worse, she couldn’t produce the nerve to tell Travis about it, which bothered her even more. She loathed being so weak and cowardly, too scared to own up to her mistakes.

  “You’re getting a little low,” Emma Leigh announced, once again breaking into Jo Ellen’s thoughts as she emerged from the bathroom with a bundle of maxi pads in hand. “But don’t worry, I left you enough to last through the week.”

  “Thanks.” Jo Ellen stared at another clean sheet of paper. Suddenly, she frowned and lifted her face. “Wait a second.” Her words stopped her twin in the doorway. As Em turned back to cock her a questioning glance, Jo Ellen squinted. “Why do you need my pads?”

  Em rolled her eyes. “Well…I’m doing this art project for a class, see, and I thought they’d make an amazing focal piece.” When Jo Ellen opened her mouth, Emma snorted. “What do you think I need them for? Hello. I’m having my period.”

  “But…” Jo Ellen blinked, confused. “How can you be having your period? I haven’t started yet, and I always start a day before you.”

  Em drew in a long breath and leaned against the doorway as if impatient about Jo Ellen detaining her for such a lame conversation. “Maybe I’m early.” She gave a careless shrug.

  Jo Ellen shook her head adamantly. “No. You’re never early. I’m—” The next word stuck in her throat. Realizing what this could mean, she gasped.

  Emma Leigh caught on a second later. Her eyes sprang open wide, and she pushed away from the doorframe. “Ohmigod, you’re late?”

  “No,” Jo Ellen spit out the denial, but her body felt so cold. She could only imagine how her expression must appear, but a white-faced Emma Leigh charged back into her room and plopped onto the corner of her bed, looking as scared and pale as Jo Ellen felt.

  “Are you saying you might be—”?

  “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

  “But—”

  “It’s just stress,” Jo Ellen assured both her twin and herself. “I’m only late because of all the stress.”

  “What do you have to be stressed about?” Em cried.

  Oh, maybe the fact she’d cheated on her boyfriend and she wasn’t even sure exactly how far she’d gone with his archrival, or maybe because she was disappointed with herself on every level possible.

  “It’s our senior year,” she evaded, thinking quick. “We need to make a decision about college and applying to different universities, not to mention ACT tests and SATs and—”

  “Oh, my God.” Emma Leigh groaned. “You are such a worrywart.” She swiped a hand across her forehead. “Thanks a lot for scaring the shit out of me. I thought you were pregnant or something.” When Jo Ellen just stared at her, petrified by that word, Emma froze. “You’re not pregnant. Are you?”

  Slowing shaking her head, Jo Ellen said, “No. I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t think so?” Emma Leigh exploded, hopping off the bed to set her hands on her hips. “What do you mean you don’t think so? Are you pregnant or not?”

  “Shh.” Jo Ellen glanced pointedly toward the open door of her room. “Will you keep it down? What if someone heard you?”

  “Well, are you or not?”

  “I don’t know,” Jo Ellen whispered before she snapped, “Sit down!”

  Emma Leigh had started pacing the room and it was making her dizzy. When her twin plopped onto the mattress beside her, she stared at the blank sheet of paper in her lap, realizing she was about to write a letter to Cooper Gerhardt, asking if they’d had sex.

  Forget cold, her body turned absolutely glacial. She swallowed, feeling ill. If she was really pregnant…then who was the baby’s father?

  “Oh, God.” She shook so hard she dropped her pen.

  “What’re we going to do?” Emma Leigh croaked, her expression dazed.

  Too scared to think beyond the panic, Jo Ellen reached out. Em anxiously caught her fingers and held on for dear life. Not sure why her sister looked so scared when this was happening solely to her, Jo Ellen didn’t question the empathetic support, she merely squeezed back, hoping this was a nightmare. She’d wake up any second and everything would just be—

  “Hey, girls.” Amy Bennett, Grady’s long-time girlfriend appeared in the doorway, making both twins yelp out a startled scream. Amy paused at their outburst and eyed them suspiciously. “What’s going on?”

  Amy had left for college at the beginning of the semester just as Grady had. No doubt back for the weekend, she must’ve just arrived at their house to wait for Grady to make it home. She and Grady each attended a different university—Amy getting her education degree and Grady striving for business management. Both usually returned to Tommy Creek every weekend to see each other.

  Jo Ellen, however, was more concerned about what Amy had heard than her sudden appearance in her bedroom doorway.

  “Jo Ellen might be pregnant,” Emma Leigh blurted.

  As Grady’s girlfriend gasped, Jo Ellen rounded on her sister. “Em!”

  “What?” Emma Leigh shrugged. “We all know she and Grady are going to tie the knot someday; they’ve been together since they were, like, five. She’s practically our big sister already. And now is definitely the time for a bit of insightful advice from someone with more experience than us.”

  “What in the world makes you think I have any kind of experience with this?” Amy squawked.

  Jo Ellen wanted to melt through the floor. If Grady’s girlfriend—who loved all things baby—could appear so appalled over the idea of her being pregnant then she could only imagine how the rest of the family would react.

  “What do we do?” Em asked, scooting supportively closer to Jo Ellen. “What if she is…you know?”

  Amy swallowed audibly and slowly moved to the bed so she could sit on the edge and send Jo Ellen a sympathetic wince. “How sure are you?”

  “Not at all,” Jo Ellen confessed.

  “She’s late,” Emma Leigh butted in. “And Joey is never late
. Hell, she’s what keeps me on schedule every month.”

  “Well.” Amy very serenely set her hands in her lap and licked her lips. Jo Ellen couldn’t contain how grateful she was that Amy had finally settled down after the initial shock. “I guess the first thing to do is find out one way or another. So just stay calm before there’s anything to freak out about. Okay?”

  Both Emma Leigh and Jo Ellen nodded. “Okay.”

  “So, Emma Leigh,” Amy instructed, turning authoritative. “You go with your sister to buy a test, then you,” she instructed Jo Ellen, “take it, and we’ll act from there.”

  Again, both twins nodded. They squeezed closer together, pressing their shoulders against one another.

  “But what if I am?” Jo Ellen couldn’t help but whisper the dreaded possibility.

  “Then you talk to Travis.”

  “Oh, God.”

  Travis. How in the world could she tell him if she was pregnant? He hated kids, and he’d probably hate her for having one.

  Then there was the whole possibility it wasn’t even his. For the space of half a second, she hoped she and Cooper had gone all the way. If she was pregnant with Cooper’s baby, she knew without a doubt he’d stand by her. His family would support her. No matter what happened, she could depend on a Gerhardt.

  As if knowing she needed more support, Emma Leigh crushed her fingers even more tightly around Jo Ellen’s.

  “You two made the decision to conceive together,” Amy rattled on, “so, I say you need to make the decision about what to do about it.” She paused and bit her lip as she slid an uneasy glance between the two girls. “But baby-raising is a lot of work. Two parents would make it so much easier. Do you think he’d marry you?”

  She almost blurted out yes. Cooper would marry the mother of his baby in a heartbeat; that’s simply the kind of person he was. Then she remembered they were talking about Travis, and she shrank back, uncertain. Of course, she and Travis had talked about marriage. But that was for some time in the distant future, after college. They hadn’t even graduated from high school yet. She didn’t want to receive a diploma with a married name on it.

  Lord above, she didn’t want to have a baby while she was still in high school. Legal age or not, she was too young to have a baby.

  What had she gotten herself into?

  “I…” She licked her lips. “I don’t know. I think so.” Maybe. Hopefully; or maybe Travis would desert her like a yellow-bellied coward and let her deal with all the fallout by herself. Sadly, that sounded a bit more his style.

  “He better,” Emma Leigh growled. “Or I’ll—”

  “Amy?” A voice called from somewhere outside the room, a voice sounding very much like Grady’s. “You up here?”

  All three girls on the bed froze as footsteps drew near. They gaped at each other before Jo Ellen frantically whispered to Amy, “Don’t tell him. Please.”

  Appearing in the doorway, Grady paused when he saw his girlfriend. His face instantly brightened. “There you are. I saw your car outside.”

  Jo Ellen felt a strange nip of envy as Amy sprang off the bed and swept toward him. So much love swirled between the two of them the emotion oozed out their pores and filled the entire room. Even Grady, who was usually gruff and somber, turned light and lovable whenever his girlfriend was around. Jo Ellen had to wonder if she and Travis were so obviously in love like that. For some reason, she had a bad feeling they would never excel to this level of devotion.

  It was disheartening; especially now.

  “I missed you this week,” Grady murmured, nuzzling his nose into Amy’s cheek before he planted a sweet, smacking kiss to her temple.

  “I missed you too” Amy closed her eyes and nuzzled back.

  “Dis-gus-ting,” Emma Leigh called from beside Jo Ellen. “Can’t you two go somewhere private for that?”

  “Oh, that reminds me.” Amy pulled away from Grady long enough to glance at the twins then turned back to him. “You’d help support me and marry me today if I was pregnant, wouldn’t you, Grady?”

  The smile froze on his face. “Say what?”

  On the bed, Jo Ellen had to swallow a groan. What in the dickens was Amy doing? She was going to reveal everything if she wasn’t careful. Clamping down on Emma Leigh’s hand, Jo Ellen held her breath.

  “I know we’ve always talked about getting married someday. But if something like that happened, you’d step up now and propose. Wouldn’t you, Grady?”

  He blinked at her then swiveled his attention to the twins before he turned back to his girlfriend. “Where in the hell did that question come from?”

  “Grady!” Amy admonished, tapping his shoulder in punishment. “Don’t curse.”

  He dropped his hands from her and stepped in reverse. “Don’t change the subject. Why’re you asking me something like that?”

  Stumped, Amy flashed the twins a panicked cringe. She pointed their way before plastering such a fake smile on her face even Jo Ellen rolled her eyes over the bad imitation. “Well…” she stalled. “The twins and I were just talking—hypothetically, of course—about what we’d do if one of us were pregnant, and I—”

  When she glanced Jo Ellen’s way, Grady cut in. “One of us?” Turning to eye his sisters, he pointedly focused on the only twin with a boyfriend. “What? Are you pregnant?”

  Jo Ellen tried not to react, but her face heated anyway. “Why do you automatically assume we’re talking about me? Why can’t Amy be pregnant?”

  Grady snorted. “What makes you think Amy and I even have sex?”

  Emma Leigh jumped into the conversation to snort right back at him. “Oh, whatever. I’ve seen the condoms you hide in the back of your underwear drawer.”

  Spinning toward her, Grady scowled. “What’re you doing snooping in my underwear drawer, brat?”

  Em shrugged and smiled. “Snooping.”

  “Well, keep your damn nose out of my things.”

  “Grady!” Amy gasped. “Language.”

  He frowned at his girlfriend. “What? She needs to stay out of my room.”

  “I want to know why you don’t think it’s Amy who could be pregnant?” Jo Ellen demanded, irrationally stung by his automatic assumption about her. Did her own brother think she was so promiscuous?

  Oh, God, was she so promiscuous? What would everyone else think of her?

  “Whoa! Amy’s pregnant?” Caine cried from the doorway.

  The thirteen-year-old was wide-eyed as he zeroed his gaze inside the room at Amy’s belly. Grady’s girlfriend immediately covered her stomach with both hands before she ducked protectively behind Grady.

  “Great.” Jo Ellen groaned. “How many more people are going to stumble across this conversation?”

  “Go away, runt,” Emma Leigh demanded of their youngest brother, throwing one of Jo Ellen’s pillows at him.

  Caine ducked but kept gawking. He glanced at Grady. “You’re going to be a daddy? For real?”

  Grady sighed and set his hands on his hips. “Amy is not pregnant,” he very nearly yelled. Then he ruined the resolute proclamation by tipping a sideways glance toward his girlfriend and more quietly adding, “Right?”

  She nodded vigorously, and his shoulders immediately slumped.

  “So then who’s pregnant?” Caine demanded to know.

  Grady sliced a thoughtful glance Jo Ellen’s way.

  She exploded. “Stop looking at me like that.”

  “Yeah.” Emma Leigh hooked her arm supportively through Jo Ellen’s. “Why do you assume we’re talking about her? Why can’t I be pregnant?”

  Grady snorted and sent Em a get-real scowl. “Maybe because I’ve been through your underwear drawer and didn’t find any condoms.”

  “Really, Grady. The idea of you pawing through my panties is just plain sick and creepy. Besides, wouldn’t the lack of condoms mean I was less protected and more apt to be pregnant?”

  His eyes narrowed. “Jesus. You always gotta be a smart ass, don’t you?”
>
  Before Amy could reprimand him yet again, their mother appeared in the doorway behind Caine. “What is going on in here? I can hear you kids arguing from downstairs.”

  Instantly, everyone fell mute. Tara Rose Rawlings set her hands on her hips. “And what’s all this talk about someone being pregnant?”

  Jo Ellen shared a poignant look with her siblings.

  “Dear Lord,” Tara Rose uttered in a hollow voice, covering her mouth with both hands as she ogled Grady and Amy. “Who’s pregnant?”

  Jo Ellen couldn’t take it any longer. “No one’s pregnant,” she yelled, and then ruined her resolve when her mother zapped her with a probing stare. Cowering closer to Emma Leigh, she more quietly added, “I don’t think.”

  “Oh, Jo Ellen, no,” her mother whispered, disappointment and worry thick in her gaze. “What have you done?”

  Chapter Six

  A month after the night of Bose Eden’s back-to-school bash, Cooper still found himself scanning the halls of his high school for Jo Ellen between classes. He told himself to stop. She was Untermeyer’s girl. She’d always been Untermeyer’s girl, and she’d stay Untermeyer’s girl. He was being stupid anyway. Just because she’d stuck her tongue down his throat and totally rocked his world in a state of utter inebriation didn’t mean she had to feel for him what he felt for her.

  But no matter how much he commanded himself to stop looking for her, to stop thinking about her, to stop dreaming about her, he continued to do all three. He kept remembering how good she’d felt pressed against him. He kept hearing her throaty sound of pleasure when he’d kissed her. He kept seeing her eyes widen and then go unfocused as she came apart in his arms.

  And thus, he kept searching for her every dad-gum place he went.

  Making out with her outside her parent’s house had been the biggest sin he’d ever committed, and yet he feared it’d live to stand as the most amazing memory he’d carry to his death.

  Coop sighed and dug inside his locker, all the while watching hers with one eye, where it was located halfway down the hall from his. He’d just pulled out his American History book and was searching for a pen when he caught movement from his peripheral vision. Curious, he lifted his face, and the air stalled in his chest. A moment later, his heart kicked into gear and his lungs heaved, sucking in oxygen.