Silent Love Part Four_Forbidden Series

by Kenadee Bryant

  I guess if you looked close enough you could see they kind of had the same cheekbones, and they each had one dimple when they smiled. They were similar heights, although Gage was taller. I guess they may have the same nose if neither of them had their noses broken a few times.

  “I can’t believe this,” Gage finally said in almost a whisper. If I wasn’t right there, I wouldn’t have heard him.

  “Gage, I am right here, okay? I am not going anywhere. I know this must be difficult.” I touched his arm as I spoke.

  “You don’t know what difficult is!” he suddenly snapped, yanking his arm away from me and taking a step back. “You don’t know a thing! You live in this perfect fantasy that everything is perfect and dandy. You have always been taken care of, and you don’t know what it is like to not have a warm meal on the table. You have always had this perfect life!” His words hurt. A lot.

  “Gage, I am just—”

  “Well don’t! I don’t need you trying to make this all better when it isn’t! You think you can just say a few words and I will believe you about this?” he snapped. I took a step back, my eyes wide.

  “Gage—” Once again he interrupted me.

  “You are probably just fucking him behind my back, aren’t you?”

  “No! I would never do that!” I exclaimed, severely hurt at the insinuation. I thought Gage knew by now how I felt about Ethan and about him. I loved only Gage!

  “Well I don’t believe you. Or you.” He glared at Ethan.

  “Gage, I know what I am—” Ethan tried to say.

  “Fuck you.” He growled at Ethan. “I have to go.”

  “Gage. Don’t leave.” I started for him, but he shook his head at me and stepped away.

  “I can’t. I need to think about this.”

  “Let me help, Gage! Don’t leave!”

  “Carter, stop.” When he looked at me, his eyes looked a little glassy. “I’ll…talk to you later.” With that, he turned and started to walk away. I stood there staring after him before I snapped back into reality.

  “Gage!” I yelled after him. He didn’t look back and when I went to go after him, an arm around my waist stopped me. “Ethan, let me go!”

  “Carter, he needs time to absorb this.”

  “No, he needs me to be there with him!” I struggled in his hold.

  “Carter. Let him think this through! This is a lot.” I knew Ethan was right, but I just wanted to be there for him. He shouldn’t have to deal with this all alone.

  “But—”

  “Carter, you will make this worse.” I fought for another minute before I slumped into his arms. I stared at the door that Gage had just gone through. He sounded so mad and upset. I just wanted to run after him, but I was afraid I’d make it worse. He did not seem happy with me. It almost felt like half my heart went with him, and the further he walked away, the worse it hurt.

  This was not how the night was supposed to go. Everything was going so well. Why couldn’t things just go my way for once? Apparently life was too cruel.

  By now Gage was probably long gone, so it was no use running after him. Ethan dropped his arms from around me. I wanted to cry; I wanted to scream. Just anything to express what I was feeling inside, but all I could do was stand there staring at the doorway.

  I could hear music and people laughing coming through the doorway, but it was like it was all muffled. I wish I could rewind all of this and just redo it all. I wasn’t sure what I could really change, since either way Gage was bound to get upset. But maybe I could have handled it better. I don’t know.

  “Carter, are you okay?” Ethan asked quietly.

  “I should be asking you that, shouldn’t I?” I laughed but the sound was anything but genuine. Something to ignore the pain in my chest. I swallowed back the tears that wanted to flow and turned to Ethan. “Are you okay?”

  “I will be. I need to talk to my father about this.” He sent me a small smile, but I knew it was fake. Just as fake as my laugh had been. The both of us were lying and we knew it.

  “That is probably a good idea. I am sorry you have to go through this.”

  “Me too. Who would have thought?” He shook his head.

  “Ethan, I am so sorry.”

  “It isn’t your fault, Car.” Looking at him, I realized he looked so tired and worn out. “I am going to go, though.”

  “You are leaving?”

  “Yeah. I need to be alone for a bit. Tell Luke and your parents I’ll see them at home.” I started to say something, but he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. Sending me one last smile, he turned and walked away.

  I was left standing in this empty room alone. My mind was still trying to wrap itself around all this information. If I was having a hard time with this, imagine what Gage and Ethan were going through?

  Glancing around the empty room, I wrapped my arms around my waist. I felt so alone. I could feel the tears I was trying to push back coming back to the surface. I bit my lip as I started for the door. I needed to leave. No use being here when Gage wasn’t.

  Not feeling up to partying anymore, I weaved around people to find Macey and Luke or my parents to tell them I was going home. I kept my head down so no one would come up and talk to me.

  When I finally reached Macey and Luke, I was even more ready to get out of there. I was tired of everyone here having a good time. I wasn’t sure where my parents were, but Luke would just have to tell them I left. I did my speech, so it wasn’t like I was leaving and ruining this whole party.

  “There you are! Where is Gage? He went off to find you,” Macey said when she noticed me.

  “I am going to leave,” I said, cutting right to the chase.

  “Wait, why?”

  “I just need to go. Tell Mom and Dad I wasn’t feeling well or something. I’ll see you two later.” I went to move past them but a hand on my arm stopped me.

  “Carter, what is wrong?” Luke asked, looking down at me with concern.

  “Nothing. I just want to go. See you guys later.” I didn’t elaborate any more as I moved out of Luke’s hold and headed for the front of the hotel. I could feel Macey and Luke’s questioning stares at my back, but I didn’t stop or look back. I just needed to get home.

  I stood in the entrance of the hotel while the guy up front brought our car around. Apparently neither of the guys took it to get home, which made me wonder where Gage and Ethan went off to. The crowd up front had disappeared, so I was able to leave quickly. Telling the driver to head back to my house, I slumped into the seat.

  I knew no one was going to miss me. My parents were busy making sure everyone was having a good time, and Luke and Macey could spend some alone time together. I just had to make sure to send the car back to the hotel for them to get home later on.

  As the driver started on the way back home, I leaned my forehead against the window and finally let the tears flow. I hated that Gage was mad at me, and was scared he wasn’t going to talk to me again. I would have been so concerned about it, especially given our first fight not even a month ago, and the fact that he sounded so hurt and angry.

  This wasn’t just a stupid mistake either. Gage just found out his father had another family and that family was Ethan. His father left his mother and him when he was little, and made his mom spiral into drugs and left Gage to care for himself. That was not an easy pill to swallow. For anyone.

  I just wanted to help, but that just made Gage mad at me. I could only hope that after a day he would come around and let me talk to him. I wasn’t going to think of the other outcome that could happen tomorrow. Of course that did nothing to stop the tears from pouring.

  ***

  Three days. Three days since I last heard from and saw Gage. Three days of what felt like torture. I tried to call and text him, but he either declined my calls or never answered my texts. I even went over to his grandmother’s place yesterday to make sure he was okay, and she told me he wasn’t home.

  Apparently, she made him t
ell her what happened, so she wasn’t too concerned about him not being home anytime soon. She said to give him time to wrap his head around all of this. She didn’t seem mad at me or even mad about any of it; in fact she seemed understanding. I wanted to yell at her and demand that I be allowed to wait there for Gage, but I couldn’t.

  She was right about giving him some time and space, but I didn’t want that. I wanted to see him and make sure he was handling all of this okay. After she talked me down from sitting on their doorstep for hours, I went home and sulked. As much as I wanted to talk to him, it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. We had one more week before Christmas, and I just hoped by then Gage would want to talk to me.

  Because this was a lot worse than our fight at Thanksgiving, I knew I had to give him time. I wanted to have a sit-in at his grandmother’s place, but everyone was right in saying he needed time. This wasn’t something you could just get over and move on. So I was planning on giving him all the time he needed, even if it hurt.

  The morning after the Christmas party, my parents asked if I was feeling okay since I’d gone home early. My swollen eyes and grumpy mood actually helped my lie about not feeling well. When they asked about Gage, I just brushed it off because if I started to talk about it, I would end up crying once more. After crying all night, I was pretty much dried out anyway. Guess they figured something else was wrong because they didn’t say anything else.

  For the last three days I had sulked around the house in my PJs. Macey did come over and hung out, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. Especially when her and my brother started making out on the couch right beside me. After that, I was done and headed to my room.

  Now I was sitting on my bed staring at my cellphone, pleading for Gage to call me or even text me saying he was okay. Anything other than silence. Just something, anything.

  I was still staring at my phone when a knock sounded on my door.

  “Come in!” I expected it to be Macey or my mom, but not Ethan. I had been avoiding him these last three days. Gage telling him about my old crush kept replaying in my mind, and I knew he would show up and want to talk about it. I was just hoping that would happen…never. I did not want to talk to him about some old crush I had. Talk about embarrassing.

  “Hey,” he said, coming into my room and shutting the door behind him.

  “Hey. Is everything okay?” I was hoping that if I kept off the subject, it wouldn’t ever come up.

  “Eh, it is going.” He shrugged. He went over to my desk chair and pulled it out before plopping onto it. It felt weird to have him in my room. Not like he hadn’t been in here before, but that had only been a handful of times. I always wanted him to come into my room and confess his undying love for me, which of course never happened. “How are you? Has Gage called you yet?”

  “No, he is still giving me the cold shoulder.” I glanced down at the phone in my hands. “But don’t blame him. It is a lot to take in. How are you handling it all?”

  “Haven’t gotten a hold of my dad yet…okay, that is a lie. I haven’t tried to call him yet because I don’t know what to say. Don’t know how to bring it up.”

  “You are going to have to sometime, though.”

  “I think I will wait until I can see him face to face. Maybe I will know what to say then.” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Seeing him do that used to make my heart pound, but now it was just a little flutter in my chest.

  We sat there in silence for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. Trapped in our own thoughts. The silence was comfortable, and I actually liked his presence. It was nice just being around him.

  “So, Car…I think we should talk about the other night,” Ethan finally said, breaking the silence. My mind froze knowing exactly what he was talking about. He wanted to discuss my crush on him.

  “How about we don’t and say we did?” I offered instead.

  “Carter.”

  “Ethan, it doesn’t even matter.”

  “Yes, it does. Gage said you have been in love with me! Is that true?” At this moment I was slightly pissed at Gage for spilling that little secret. I wasn’t ever going to tell Ethan how I felt about him. I never told him when I felt it, so why should I when I didn’t?

  “It is nothing, Ethan. Just let it go.” I moved to get up off my bed, but Ethan’s words stopped me.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was low, but I still heard him. For some reason his words kind of pissed me off.

  “Tell you? You wanted me to tell you how I felt about you?” I looked at him. “Like I could just go right up to you and say, ‘Hey, Ethan, I have been in love with you since forever. Please love me back!’ Talk about humiliating.” I scoffed.

  “You could have, Carter! You have had all these years to tell me and you didn’t.” He leaned forward, keeping his eyes on me.

  “I couldn’t tell you. Every time I tried, you had some new toy on your arm or you were going on about some hot chick you scored with. Then of course you end up with one of my best friends. So, no, there was no time to tell you. And if I did tell you how I felt, you wouldn’t ever feel the same way.”

  “How do you know that? You never said a word to me, so how should I have known?”

  “When should I have done that? When you started dating my best friend?”

  “You can’t do that to me. You can’t get mad at me for dating Amy when you never said anything.” He stood up and paced around my room while tugging on his hair. “I can’t believe you like me!” What he said was wrong though. I didn’t like him anymore. “For how long?”

  “It doesn’t matter how long, Ethan.”

  “How. Long.” He stopped his pacing enough to look right at me. I sighed. I guess it didn’t hurt to say it now because nothing would ever happen between us. He had Amy, and I was in love with Gage.

  “Since sophomore year, when you came back from traveling with your parents.”

  “Three years ago?”

  I grabbed a pillow from my bed and placed it on my lap. My fingers started fiddling with it.

  “Yes.” I watched as he sat back down in the chair with a heavy sigh.

  “I can’t believe this. You have liked me and have for three, almost four, years!”

  “Uh, Ethan—” I went to correct him but he cut me off.

  “You didn’t tell me, but you told Harper?” His blue eyes were wide as he looked back at me.

  “Ethan.” I sighed and looked down at the pillow trying to think of a way to tell him. “My feelings aren’t the same anymore.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I was in love with you. As in past tense. Not anymore.” I made sure to look him right in the eyes as I spoke. I wasn’t in love with him anymore, and he had to know that now. He had to know Gage was the only one I loved, and that wouldn’t change.

  “What?”

  “It took me so long to realize that I wasn’t in love with you. It was just the feeling. The feeling of having something I wanted, but never needed.” As I spoke those words, I realized they felt so right. That was exactly how I felt and now that I realized it, I wasn’t really in love with Ethan.

  He was just always the one guy who was there and was kind to me. He was just a constant in my life, and for so long I thought he was the right person for me. That because he had always been around, always treated me with such respect, that he could one day love me. It was a stupid fantasy.

  Every girl has that fantasy though. That there is a perfect guy out there who will sweep them off their feet and pamper them like princesses. They will date that person and eventually get married, have children, and grow old with one another. And it is a good fantasy to have, but there is no perfect guy out there. No perfect anyone.

  Whoever you end up with has baggage. Baggage that you have to either accept and help carry, or leave them. Sometimes the “perfect” guy you once thought would be yours isn’t really who you are supposed to be with. It is the bad boy that has walls built around his heart
after a bad childhood. The guy who has plenty of baggage, but you don’t mind carrying some of it with him because you have seen what he can truly be like.

  And to be honest, those kinds of people are the best ones to be with. If you give them your time, love, and effort, they will return it. They may be damaged, but the damaged ones know who really cares for them. When they do open up, they open up completely and love whole-heartedly. That is the kind of guy I was in love with.

  “You are not in love with me anymore?” Ethan said like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. One minute I loved him, the next I didn’t.

  “It is not that I don’t love you, Ethan, because I do. I love you in a way like you are my brother, or a close friend. People change, feelings change.”

  “Gage is the one you love, isn’t it?”

  “He is.” I smiled just thinking of him.

  “I missed my chance, didn’t I?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, now being the one confused.

  “I used to have a crush on you too back when we were younger,” he admitted. He sent me a small smile. I sat up and stared wide-eyed at him. Ethan used to have a crush on me? Me? The girl who is awkward and embarrassing?

  “But…how…huh?” I stuttered, not believing what he was saying at all. There was no way.

  “Who wouldn’t have a crush on you, Car? You were always so sweet, nice, smart, and actually cared about me when my own parents didn’t. After you got with that Quinton guy, I figured I had no chance, so I moved on.” Hearing those words should have made my heart soar. They should have make me want to jump up and down in glee but…they didn’t.

  Instead of feeling that glee, I felt sad. Sad that neither one of us had enough guts to tell the other what we felt back then. Maybe we would have gotten together and would still be together, but we weren’t. Ethan’s feelings for me died out and so had mine for him. It was just a crush we both thought was something more, but wasn’t.

  Months ago, if he would have told me this, I would have jumped at the opportunity to be with him. Now it was a different story. I was in love with someone else, someone who made me see Ethan wasn’t who I really wanted. Gage opened me up to being a different person. I was a completely new person because of him, but he also opened up my eyes enough to see that I can be more outspoken, that I can move on from some make-believe dream I had about Ethan. He showed me what actual love was.