If I Never Went Home

by Ingrid Persaud

  This afternoon when I came home I went straight in front the TV. Nanny wanted to know why I was not doing my homework. She didn’t believe me when I told her I didn’t have any. She started on about how I’m lying, and to bring my books for her to see. That was it. First I can’t go to the fete and now I lying about homework. So I emptied the backpack on the floor right by her foot. I told her she could search the books for homework if she wanted. Then I stamped off to my room and slammed the door as hard as I could and locked it. Nanny started to bang on the door, trying the handle and yelling at me to come out now and clean up the mess and how I am rude and that is no way to treat my books. She could scream for the whole street to hear. I. Don’t. Care. This blasted old woman is ruining my life. Thanks, Mummy. Thanks a lot for leaving me alone here with this hateful old witch.

  I have to find my Dad. It’s the only way out of this hellhole of church and church people. Once she let me go by a friend during the Christmas holidays. Once. And she doesn’t think it’s right to invite girls to our house. When I ask she says that I see them Monday to Friday and I don’t need to see them Saturday and Sunday too. Well, up yours, Nanny. That evening I never came out of my room to bathe or eat or anything. When I was fed up I turned off the light and went to sleep. Next morning I got up early and went to school before Nanny got up. The cleaners were still sweeping the classrooms when I reach.

  You know the old woman was waiting for me on the veranda when I came home after school. She said she nearly went to the school but she didn’t want to shame me in front of everybody, but if I ever carry on like that again she will come to the school and give me one beating I will never forget for as long as I live. Imagine that. I am taller than her already. If she so much as lay a finger on me she will regret it. But I didn’t say anything. I play cool and went and had my shower. When I came out she had left a plate of food covered on the kitchen counter. I ate her tasteless rice and stew lamb, went to my room and took off the light so she would think I was sleeping. I don’t have anything to say to her. She didn’t have to put up with the teacher making fun of me in front the whole class when I returned the fete tickets today. They could all go fuck themselves. Yes, I know the F word and the C word and plenty more.

  While everybody feting down the place on Sunday I will be in church for the nine o’clock service followed by a super interesting day in the company of Miss Celia. Oh, and guess what I find out? Miss Celia only done gone and give away my Boo-Boo. I can’t bear to think where my baby dog is now. Every time I think about it my stomach doubles up and I want to cry.

  Anyhow, Nanny is going on a Bible retreat after church, so I have to stay with Miss Celia until she pick me up around seven in the evening. Well, praise the Lord. Yeah right. Life is so unfair. I am not asking for anything special. Why must I always be the one who can’t have this and can’t do that? My Mom would never have treated me like this. Our home was always happy with whatever we had.

  Nanny does make me feel like is my fault we never have enough money for anything except school uniforms, school books, and a few dresses for church. People must be fed up seeing me wearing the same old clothes week in, week out. I have exactly two pairs of shoes – one for school and one for church – but I am always being told that I should be grateful for everything I have. Of course I am grateful, my mother dead and nobody has a clue who my father is. If that is what I have to be grateful for in life, then screw life.

  Saturday rolled up and I guess everybody in my class was either shopping or by the hairdresser fixing up for tomorrow while I home. Nanny decide is time the windows see a little water and soap. They so dirty that when she looks out she can’t see the neighbour big orange house properly. She only want to see people business. By the time I worked my way through the house it was lunchtime. I was so dog-tired I flopped down on my bed to chill out. About an hour later I heard Granny Gwen’s voice, and right after Nanny calling for me to come say hello and give the old sweaty lady a kiss. After that they settled down on the veranda.

  I swear I didn’t plan any of it. It happened so quickly, and I have to admit it was kind of easy-peasy. Even so, my heart started racing and I felt like I was burning up. My hands were trembling. I could hear my breathing loud. Granny Gwen would never miss it. A woman like her have so much. The battered brown leather handbag was flopped on the kitchen table. I unzipped it as carefully as I could. Her black purse almost spilled out. Inside the notes were rolled up tight and shoved in. There were a few hundred bills. I only took a single hundred dollar bill. I’m not greedy. One hundred for the ticket and not a cent more. She had more money in that purse than I have ever seen since I born. Why should she have all that and I can’t even go to a stupid little fete? I am not asking for much – just a chance to hang with kids from my class.

  I crumpled the note and put it in my pants pocket, zipped the bag and left it exactly as I had found it. The scriptures say thou shalt not steal. Maybe I should put it back before anybody realised what happened. But then, what if I get caught putting the money back? And I will save up and give it back same way I took it. She is always saying I am like another granddaughter, so she would want me to have this small loan. Yes, it’s a loan and a little one for a woman with a big hardware store.

  I could hardly believe it. I actually have the ticket money. I don’t need to buy anything when I’m there. The question now is how to get out of staying by Miss Celia. All afternoon I thought about it while Nanny and Granny Gwen chatting and reading Bible. When Nanny called me it was to say goodbye. Granny Gwen was already holding her handbag when I came out. Her son Mr. Robin was waiting in the car outside. My heart was racing. There was no need for her to check her purse before she left, but I was so afraid today she would have some reason to open it. But she left without anything happening. Even if she missed the money later she would never know it was me. Never in a billion years would she think I had taken money from her purse. I think I’m home and dry. Now all I have to do is ditch Miss Celia.

  I started after dinner pretending to have an upset tummy, and I kept making trips to the bathroom every half hour. Nanny gave me some tablets but I flushed them down the toilet. By the next morning I told her I was still not feeling well, and I should stay in bed for the day. I was really sorry to be missing church and seeing Miss Celia but I had to be near a toilet or else there could be an accident. The dumb old lady believed me. She left at eight o’clock in the morning and I didn’t expect her to come back before seven in the night. I deserved to go. Still, part of me felt a little queasy about the way she put out biscuits and cheese for me before she left. As soon as I figured she was down the road I called Charmaine and she said get ready because they picking me up about eleven.

  I blow-dried my hair nice and straight and put on my only jeans and my best top that Aunty Indra had given me Christmas gone. Nanny never lets me wear makeup but I borrowed some of her powder and blusher and a little lipstick. Charmaine’s mom noticed I locked the front door and wanted to know where my grandmother was, and I told the truth. She was at a church retreat for the day and I was happy to be out with them rather than by myself. When we got to the school I told them I had to buy a ticket. Charmaine’s Dad also needed one. He bought both and would not take my money. I never expected to have extra money in my pocket. Or maybe I should keep it to put back in Granny Gwen’s bag next Saturday.

  The fete was sweet for so. Everybody who was anybody was there liming, and plenty boys from the school opposite came. I dance down the place until my top was soaked right through with sweat. I did worry a little that someone might go back and tell Nanny I was at the fete, but she doesn’t know a soul in my school except Priya, and of course Priya not here. To be honest, it was a funny experience because I was having a good time, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that if Nanny ever found out she would skin me alive. As soon as six o’clock reach I was looking to go home. And that is when the trouble started.

  Charmaine’s family were having a ball and they d
idn’t want to leave yet. They only saying I should relax because my grandmother know I’m with them so she wouldn’t be worried. Well, I know better. I only spent ten dollars on a drink and doubles so I have more than enough to take a fast maxi-taxi rather than the bus to get home. It seemed like no taxi running. Five minutes gone. Six minutes. Seven minutes. Oh Jesus, please let me get home before Nanny. Nine minutes and a taxi finally stop. Thank you Jesus and all the saints. It was a quarter to seven when I unlocked the front door and ran straight in the shower. You wouldn’t believe this but as soon as I turn on the tap I heard Nanny’s voice calling for me. My dirty top and jeans were on the bed. I had to pray she didn’t go in my bedroom before I came out.

  ‘Tina? You feeling better?’ asked Nanny from outside the bathroom door.

  ‘Yes, Nanny. I’ll be out just now.’

  ‘You eat something?’

  ‘A little.’

  ‘They had food at the retreat and I bring some for you. Is pelau. I not sure you will want that but it was all they had.’

  ‘No, I fine with that. I coming out now.’

  I opened the bathroom door slightly, checked that Nanny was in the kitchen, and fled to my bedroom. I stuffed the dirty top under my bed, flung on a nightie and came out. I thought that as soon as she looked at me she would know exactly where I had been, but she didn’t. We ate the pelau, she went in her bed early, and that was the end of that. Can you believe how lucky I am?

  Well Carnival came and Carnival went. Nanny did not even like me watching it on the TV. ‘Look at them girls. They not shame who see them carrying on so? And it look like once they see the camera they behaving more bad.’

  ‘They want to get on YouTube and be famous.’

  ‘What is that tube?’

  ‘Is just a website with videos.’

  ‘I hope you ain’t watching that.’

  ‘No, Nanny.’

  Does she really think I won’t watch YouTube? Clueless.

  Granny Gwen has not visited since that time with the purse. I have eighty dollars left. I have to get another twenty before I could put it back. Soon. I know what I did was a sin and I know I have to put the money back. Sometimes I think about it and feel shame. Imagine I took money from an old lady and I lied to my Nanny who took me in when I didn’t have a home. I’m glad they never found out. I promised Jesus that if he let me put the money back in Granny Gwen purse without getting caught then I will never do something like that again. I’m not a thief. It was one time and it will never happen again. The fete was fun, but to be honest I was scared even when I was jumping up with Charmaine and the other girls. Saints above, don’t let Nanny or Granny Gwen find out anything, I begging you.

  Two weekends passed and still no Granny Gwen for a Saturday lime. We saw her in church so I know she still alive. By the third weekend when she didn’t visit I asked, as if I couldn’t care less, why we were not seeing Granny Gwen. Nanny said that to be honest she was not sure why. All she could think was that for Lent Granny Gwen want to stay home. Maybe the truth is Granny Gwen knew I took that hundred note, and instead of causing a scene she decide to stay clear of us. She might think I will take money again. Maybe is stew she want me to stew. She biding her time till she nice and ready, and then she will bust the mark. But I pray she never did miss that money and we not seeing her for some other reason.

  Every time I think of the blasted money it scrapes the inside of my belly raw. I have the whole hundred now. All I need is a chance to put it back. It look like no one Nanny knows has seen me at the fete. Is only this f-ing money business hanging over my head day and night. If my mother was alive, none of this would have happened. Or if I had my father around he would be looking after me. We would go places together. He would know about stuff like YouTube and what young people like. He would have bought the fete tickets and given me more than enough pocket money. I will never stop praying that somehow, somewhere, he knows about me and is looking for me. I know before I die he will find me. He will find me and take me away to live with him. I know he will.

  Granny Gwen has blanked us four straight weekends now. I must get the money back to her somehow. This coming Saturday Nanny having a few church ladies for a special Bible study, and I am hoping Granny Gwen in that. I am counting off the days until Saturday because I can’t take this pain much longer. Even if she didn’t miss the money, I know what I did was evil and God will punish me. It could be today, tomorrow or next year, but one day I will have to pay for my sins. The Lord sees all and knows all that we do on earth. My punishment is coming and when it come it go be one big-ass trouble.

  Saturday morning finally reach. I am helping to tidy up the house but all I can think about is how I will get to put the money back at last. What if she doesn’t leave the purse in the kitchen? She might keep it next to her, as is not her and Nanny alone today. My belly hurting, my head hurting, and my skin feeling dry-dry. I have learnt my lesson good and proper. Jesus, please let me give the money back today. I can’t manage another second.

  ‘Afternoon. Inside. Good afternoon.’

  I have never been happier to hear Granny Gwen’s voice calling from the front gate.

  I called back. ‘Afternoon. Come. We home.’

  Granny Gwen does her duck-waddle walk up the three steps to the veranda.

  ‘How you keeping, Tina girl?’

  ‘Fine thanks, Granny Gwen.’

  ‘Where your Nanny?’

  ‘In the kitchen. I think she cutting up a sweetbread she made this morning.’

  The ladies chatted while I got the tea and sweetbread ready. Granny Gwen put her bag on the kitchen table. I was hoping as hard as I could that she would leave it there. When I helped them take the trays out, the bag was left behind.

  Another church lady arrived and the three of them settled in. I didn’t wait another minute. I checked they had everything and went back to the kitchen. I unzipped the handbag quickly and grabbed the purse. It didn’t have other hundred dollar notes in it – just a few twenties. There was no choice. Maybe when she looked in her purse later she would think she getting old and forget how much she had on her. I pushed the purse back in and zipped the bag so fast I pulled the skin on my index finger. A little sting and some blood. It didn’t matter. Amen. Amen. Amen. I have made amends. Please forgive me, Jesus. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I could have been caught putting the money back and would have had to confess to taking it first. Anyway, it’s over. Over. I am going to watch TV and try to forget this whole nasty business. Of course none of this trouble would have happened if Nanny had let me go to the fete in the first place. Stupid old woman.

  [1. Trinidadian street food, a doubles is a sandwich made with two bara (a soft, fried bread) filled with curried chickpeas and garnished with tamarind, cucumber, hot sauce and the herb chadon beni.]

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Bea stood outside Michael’s apartment taking deep breaths to steady herself. She was wearing new clothes ­– grey jeans and a silky white top. Dr. Payne was right. She needed to be getting out more, and Michael’s invitation to dinner at his place was something she wanted to do and thought she could handle. They were developing an easy understanding founded on their childhood friendship. Michael also had the knack of being present without intruding – something Bea appreciated.

  She smoothed the short bangs off her forehead, straightened her top and dared to press the buzzer. When he opened his apartment door his face looked happy and she thought a little nervous. They kissed lightly on the lips rather than on the cheeks as they usually did. She awkwardly handed him a bottle of wine and a single lily she had picked in the park nearby. His hands were trembling as he accepted the gifts. The red wine he had bought was already breathing.

  ‘Your place is lovely,’ she said, accepting the glass of wine he offered. ‘Cosy.’

  ‘I’ve been cleaning all day,’ he replied.

  She smiled. ‘What inspired that?’

  ‘Well, I’ve been here over a year
and the place needed a good tidy.’

  She ran her hand along the bookshelf. ‘For a computer person you have a lot of books. We have quite a few authors in common.’

  ‘I do so much on my computer I guess I enjoy the feel of real books. One day I’ll get around to sorting them,’ he said, raising his glass of wine. ‘Cheers.’

  They drank in silence as Bea thumbed through books. A timer went off and made her jump.

  ‘You want to come in the kitchen while I finish cooking?’ he asked.

  ‘Sure. What’s for dinner?’

  He smiled. ‘I’ve been slaving over a hot stove for days.’

  He took her hand and led the way. She sat at the small kitchen table set with a white cloth and proper linen napkins, sipping her wine while he made a green salad.

  ‘We’re having lasagne, salad and garlic bread. For dessert we have strawberries and cream.’

  ‘Don’t remember the last time I had such a home-made feast.’

  ‘Wait till you taste it. I know Trini people are super-critical if food is not up to their exacting standards.’

  ‘It smells wonderful.’

  While he placed dishes on the table he asked her to put on some music. Bea anxiously flicked through his iPod and settled on a Bach compilation.

  Dinner was delicious and the conversation uncomplicated. Bea forgot the horrors of the past months and enjoyed the unfolding evening with this man she had been lucky to find again after so long. Later they moved to his compact sofa and he slowly fed her strawberries. She began to feel uneasy.

  ‘Bea, are you crying?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, wiping her face. ‘I didn’t even realise.’

  ‘It’s not the normal reaction I get when feeding a girl strawberries.’

  ‘It’s not you. It’s the music. “Air on the G string”. Bach.’

  She pulled away and sat up.