by Rachel Burns
Please let it go down and stay down, I prayed, as I slowly brought the pill to my mouth. I started gagging as soon as I laid it on my tongue.
I pushed past him and ran into my bathroom. My lunch came up too. I cried as I sat on the floor next to the toilet. He’d be so mad at me now.
He sat down behind me and rubbed my back. This would have probably comforted me on a normal day, but he rubbed over the lashes that he’d given me yesterday. I was too sad to say anything. I was feeling very depressed.
He took my head and leaned it against his chest. “My poor sick little baby. We’ll wait a bit and try again.” He was petting my hair.
“You’re not mad?” It slipped out. I’d already decided not to say anything at all ever again unless I was spoken to.
“Of course not. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, sweetheart.” He hugged me a little tighter. I leaned into him needing to feel loved. “Do you often have problems taking tablets?”
“Yes, the nuns at school scolded me for that all the time. I was always sick with something or another when school started or after Christmas vacation it was the worst.”
“Why were you always sick then?” he asked, but his heart rate remained so slow that I knew that he already knew the answer.
My heart sank a little like a heavy stone was pushing it down. “I often had sore throats and ear infections. I guess my room was a little too cold for me.
“Was your room heated in winter?” I felt his arms tighten around me. He was mad again but not at me.
I felt so guilty. I shook my head.
“How could he? In good conscience – ?” He held me tighter. “You’re safe now. I won’t hurt you Amelia.”
I cried all the more.
I didn’t believe him, and he was back to rubbing my back again. He was sitting on my bathroom floor holding me in between his knees as he leaned against the cupboard. He was talking in such soft tones that I wasn’t always certain what he was saying.
Daddy was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in one person.
I hoped I wasn’t picking a fight, but I wanted to see how he’d react. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good at what you wanted me to do yesterday.” I sobbed thinking about the beating I’d gotten for being bad at it.
“Hush, don’t cry. It’s all right. You’re just too young for that. Daddy understands now.”
I wasn’t sure what to think. Had I gotten out of that? Would he soon decide that I was old enough? “Daddy, I’m so tired I want to go to sleep.”
“Not yet. We still have to get your medicine in you before you can go. Let me know when you’re ready to try again.”
“But what if I throw it up again? The nuns got so mad about that.”
“If the next one doesn’t stay in, then I’ll give it to you in a shot.” He was still so relaxed about all of this. He couldn’t just give me a shot. I was scared again. The pressure to get and keep the pill down increased.
Okay, all I had to do was lay the tablet on my tongue and swallow. Then take a sip of water to keep it down. I was so looking forward to the water. I was sure I had a fever.
“Daddy, what’s wrong with me?”
“You have a bladder infection that’s why it hurts to go pee pee. Your body is trying to fight that so you have a high fever too. You’re very sick. But Daddy knows how to make you better. Don’t worry about it.” He was very confident.
“I have to go to the bathroom again.” I was miserable.
He got up and picked me up too. He pulled my pajama bottoms down and set me on the toilet. I was blushing red again because I almost didn’t make it.
“Good girl. You’re being such a good patient for Daddy.” He looked like he meant it.
He took another washcloth out of the drawer and got it wet with warm water. I already knew the routine now: stand up and lean on Daddy while he wiped me clean.
Protesting had only gotten him mad. I had to let him help me, and there really didn’t seem to be anything sexual about it. He was just taking care of me. Like a parent would take care of their child.
If he hadn’t horse whipped me and spanked me so terribly, I’d have just given into his harmless fantasy, but it had gone too far, and it had hurt me too much.
This wasn’t a game anymore. He couldn’t stop. I had to play along or else. I didn’t want to even think about the or else. I had to live on a day for day basis.
“I’m ready to try again.” I looked at him. He looked skeptical. I just wanted to go back to bed. I think he knew that.
“I’ll go get the tablet and the shot.” He raised an eyebrow like he was warning me.
I nodded still perched on the toilet.
He came back quickly. He laid a medical tray on the countertop.
I eyed the things on it. There was my pill alongside a plastic shot and a needle still wrapped up in its sterile packaging, cotton ball-like paper and a little glass bottle with a clear liquid in it. It was labeled alcohol.
Why would he have something like that lying around the house? The house was big but mine had been even bigger, and when someone other than me got sick, the doctor was called. We didn’t have things like that around.
He had a glass of water in his hands now. “Here we go. Keep your head up.”
I nodded.
“Maybe you should stand up for this just in case.” He was being so nice to me again.
“Daddy, I had to go again while you were gone,” I admitted. I didn’t want to get in any trouble for anything ever again.
“Okay, sweetheart.” He put down the tablet and my glass of water. “You’re right we have to take care of that first.” He got another washcloth out. “Up you go.” He cleaned me up again. This time he pulled up my pajama bottoms. “Remember to keep your head up, sweetheart.”
He gave me the tablet while he held the water.
Keeping my head held high, I put the tablet on my tongue as far back as I could. I grabbed for the glass. I drank it, swallowed the pill and down it went.
I was already feeling pretty proud of myself when my stomach lurched. I threw up again. I was crying and apologizing.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. Let’s give up with the tablets. Daddy can give you the shot, and you can go to sleep, and you can eat something, and it will stay in. It’s the way we’re going to do this. Now I want you to brush your teeth and go back to bed.” I did as I was told. His tone had made it clear that I had to. I sighed when I was back in bed. I was so tired.
“I want you to try to eat something at least before you go to sleep. Give Daddy your arm.”
I did. I wanted to see if he’d really do it.
I watched him open the bottle of alcohol. He got the cotton ball thing wet with it. The smell filled the air, burning my nose. Daddy rubbed it in the bend of my arm. He prepared the shot, and he looked very professional to me.
“Daddy needs you to lie very still now.” He tapped my arm with his fingers. And then he gave me the shot without any to do. It looked to me like he’d done that a lot in his life. I had to wonder if he ever did any drugs. They use needles too.
“That didn’t even hurt. Where did you learn to do that?” I was impressed.
“I told you Daddy would take care of you.” He smiled, and he kind of laughed a little too. I felt like I’d stumbled on a private joke. Maybe I was right about the drugs.
“Daddy wants you to sit up a bit so you can eat. I brought you another bowl of soup with crackers this time. Let’s see how much we can get into Daddy’s little girl.”
He fed me like a baby. He was careful to hold the bowl under my chin when I bit into the crackers, saying he didn’t want me to have to sleep in my crumbs.
When I shook my head, showing him that I was finished with my soup, he stopped and put the bowl away.
He pulled a children’s book off the shelf. He lay down in bed next to me and drew me close to him.
I laid my head on his chest. He had his arm around me as he started reading. It was a book that I’d never read befor
e. It was for a little kid.
He read, and I was interested.
I was making him happy again, and I really wasn’t giving away more than I was capable of. It didn’t hurt to do it.
If he were happy, then he wouldn’t hurt me. I just had to keep him happy. I fell asleep after my story.
“Sweetheart, time to wake up. Daddy wants to get you up and dressed before he goes to work.”
I reached out to him. He lifted me up and took me with him into his bathroom. The tub was already filling up with warm water.
I was a little scared. I didn’t think that I could ever truly be relaxed with him again. I now knew more of what he was capable of. He unbuttoned my pajamas and removed the bottoms.
“Daddy will need a bit of help pinning up your hair. You’re still too sick for me to wash it.” He’d laid several things out on the counter that could achieve this.
“The blue ponytail holder.” I pointed at it.
“How does that work?” he questioned me while he handed it to me.
I reached up and grabbed my hair pulling it up. My naked breasts lifted with my arms. He smiled at them. He clearly liked them.
I was so unsure again. I finished my task quickly and lowered my arms.
He got undressed too. He got into the tub and called to me.
I stood up and joined him in the water. He started cleaning me right away, a lot faster than the last time.
“Out you go. Go dry yourself off with your towel.” He looked over at a chair in the corner of the room.
I followed his eyes to the chair. There was a brown towel laying on it and one of my pink ones. He’d thought this through, even getting one of my towels for me. He had lots, making it unnecessary to bring in one of mine.
After I was dry, he came out after me. He quickly dried himself off. When he was dry, he wrapped his brown towel around his waist. He’d even set out a pile of the things he wanted me to wear.
First, he put plain white underwear on me, second came a plain white bra. Over that came a plain white undershirt with a simple white bow in the middle at the top, then a white blouse with puffed sleeves, over that came a pink dress and then my soft white sweater. I was trapped inside so many layers.
I decided to test the water again. “But Daddy if I wear the sweater, then no one can see the pretty sleeves of my blouse. They’ll get covered and squished.” I looked in his eyes.
“Amelia, you’re still very sick. After a while, when it’s too hot, you can take the sweater off but for now Daddy wants the sweater on.” His tone was strict, but I could tell he liked that I liked my clothes.
I nodded without meeting his eyes in a pretend pout.
“Sit down so we can get your socks and shoes on.” I did, and he knelt down to put knee high white socks on me. Then black shoes that were like ballerinas but with a strap of leather going across the top. I think shoes in this style were called Mary Jane’s. I loved them. He was giving me everything that I’d ever wanted as a child, now.
I admired my shoes while he got dressed.
“Let your hair back down, princess.” He handed me a brush. I styled it as quickly as I could. I had my usual problem again.
“Daddy, I have to go.”
He grabbed me and lifted my dress and pulled down my underwear. He sat me down on the toilet and went back to grooming his own hair. The sound of me going to the bathroom echoed in the room.
“That already sounds a lot better. Not just coming out in drips anymore.” Daddy took a washcloth out of the drawer and got it wet with warm water again. He cleaned me up and righted my clothes again. He washed his hands, and then he reached for me.
“Let’s go down for breakfast.” He looked ready to go when I stopped him.
“But Daddy, I’m still so dizzy. What if – ?”
“Hush. I’ll be giving you back to Nanny. She’ll take care of you when Daddy is out. Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ll take care of you.” He had a look about him like he wanted to show me off in my pretty clothes.
He pulled me out of the door to his bedroom. A handful of maids were waiting to go in and clean up. They’d be finished with everything by the time Nanny and I returned from breakfast.
It was important to Daddy that I didn’t move around the house too much. He liked to keep me locked up in my room. Nanny was just there to fight my boredom and to keep me in my place when he was gone.
There was nothing unusual about this marriage at all. What husband didn’t have an older woman living with his wife telling her what to do and punishing her?
Great I was becoming sarcastic.
He sat me down at the table. My bottom healed quicker from Daddy’s hand smacks than from Nanny’s paddle. The whip marks on my back only hurt if I leaned back, which I wasn’t planning on doing. The numb pain of them healing and pulling together was bearable in the meantime, or I’d just grown so used to it that it didn’t register as pain in my brain anymore.
A tray with my shot was waiting at the table.
“Amelia, lay your arm on the table. That’s a good girl. Make a fist and open and close it again and again.” He tapped, and then he rubbed the alcohol on it.
Nanny came in just in time to see him give me my shot. It stopped her dead in her tracks. Daddy was pushing down on the spot where the needle had been.
“Good morning, Nanny.” He gave her a light smile.
“Good morning, Sir. Good morning, Amelia.” She was still very surprised by the scene that was taking place in front of her eyes.
“Good morning, Nanny.” I looked at her never taking my eyes off of her. Would she make it better or worse for me today?
Daddy finished up with me, and I held my arm like he taught me last night.
“Amelia is a very sick little girl, Nanny. I had to give her penicillin. She’ll need it twice a day all week. You don’t have to worry about that. I’ll take care of it every morning and evening. But because she has a bladder infection she needs to be wiped with a fresh warm wetted washcloth every time after she goes to the bathroom. She needs to drink lots of water, and she’ll need a nap today. You can try to teach her, but if it doesn’t work, then send her right off to bed. She still has a slight fever.”
“A fever? Then she should be in bed,” Nanny protested, sitting up straighter. I was glad that she wasn’t looking at me like that. “You of all people should know better than to send a sick child to school.”
He remained calm. “Nanny, I said you could try it. She was in bed all day yesterday. I want her moving around a bit today, or she’ll end up with a lung infection too. We don’t want that for our little girl.” They both turned and looked at me.
Thankfully the food came in then, taking the attention off of me. I was glad that talks, about how I was supposed to be wiped, were over with.
“Why is she getting her medicine in shots?” Nanny was still ticked. I needed to get her into a better mood before he left.
“She can’t take them orally.” His answer was sharp. Again I was glad that it wasn’t directed at me.
“I’d get her to swallow them.” Nanny gave me a mean look.
“That wasn’t the problem, Nanny. They all came back up after she swallowed them. She was very brave about trying again for her Daddy, but it isn’t worth it. Either she gets shots, or she can’t eat and get stronger. Daddy thinks this is the best way.” He reached over and patted my hand. “Oh, and no disciplining her today. If she does something wrong, let me know when I get home this evening. I’ll take care of it then.”
“I’ll be good,” I interjected.
“I’m sure you will be.” Daddy smiled at me as he patted my hand again.
We ate then. I couldn’t eat much, but he praised me for what I’d eaten. He kissed me on the cheek and left then. I looked over at Nanny, waiting for her to take charge. My goal remained the same, do and say what I had to, so I didn’t get hit.
“Time to go to school.” She rose from the chair and pushed it in.
I slowl
y got up. Not wanting to pass out. I pushed my chair in too. I went to Nanny. She took my arm as I came closer, supporting me so I wouldn’t fall.
Nanny wasn’t stupid. She probably understood better than I did what had happened.
Once I was sitting at my desk, my head cleared. Nanny stood in front of my desk as if this was completely normal. “We’re going to start with history today.” She got out the heavy textbook we were using. This was normally my job. She probably knew I couldn’t lift the heavy book with the way I felt just now.
I raised my hand.
“Yes, Amelia,” she asked in a cold tone.
“I have to go to the bathroom.” I slowly took my hand down.
“Yes, of course.” She was still using her strict teacher voice.
I pushed myself to standing and waited for her to come get me. I leaned on her as we walked into my bathroom. She lifted my dress up and pulled my underwear down for me. She sat me down on the toilet and looked at me confused.
I blushed and waited for the pain that would come with the release.
“How did this happen?” she asked.
“I don’t know, Nanny. It just did. It started yesterday morning.” I was afraid I might say the wrong thing. The last thing I wanted was more punishment.
Nanny didn’t push the point. She got out a washcloth and got it wet and came back to me.
“I’m sorry, Nanny.”
“What for?” She honestly did look confused.
“For all the trouble I’m causing.”
“You aren’t causing any trouble. Amelia, are you really sick or is this a game between you and your Daddy?”
“I’m really sick, Nanny. I think I even still have a fever.”
“Did Daddy take your temperature?”
I shook my head.
“That surprises me. Should Nanny take it for you.”
“If you want to.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“Amelia, are you finished?”
I nodded and started to get up.
“Stay sitting.” She removed my underwear completely. “Just open your legs as wide as you can.” Nanny knelt down on the floor in front of me. She cleaned me up that way. She stood and put the washcloth in the laundry basket.
