by Rachel Burns
Someone had emptied it while we were at breakfast. I’d seen fresh washcloths in the drawer too. I was amazed at how quickly my room got cleaned every day. It was always perfectly clean, and I didn’t have to lift a finger.
“I want you to come with Nanny to bed.” She got a thermometer out of a drawer and was shaking it. She was walking back to my bedroom.
I put my underwear back on and slowly followed her. I figured this was part of the test to see if I was sick. I tried not to be so dramatic, but my head was spinning as I sat down next to her on my bed.
She had a hand behind my back pushing me over her lap in seconds. My dress went up, and my underwear went down. “Amelia, you need to relax, or it won’t go in right. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Nanny.” I figured that she’d do this the old fashion way. The over her knee was expected.
Would she spank me if I didn’t have a temperature?
“I said, relax, Amelia.” She sounded a little mad.
I took several deep breaths, and then I felt her nudge the thermometer in. I waited for her to take it out again. I was so tired that my eyes drooped closed, and I started drifting off to sleep.
“Amelia, I need to change you into something else. You have to get up again.” She was shaking me. I’d fallen asleep.
I sat up with her help. “Do I have a fever, Nanny,” I asked her.
“Yes, you do, a very high one too. Nanny wants to change you into your pajamas so you can go to sleep. Would you like that?” She was already removing my shoes and socks.
“Yes, Nanny.” I sighed and tears came out too.
Nanny removed my dress and then my blouse. She saw the marks from the horsewhip. She looked at them for a bit before she removed my bra and underwear. I fought to stay awake as she went into my bathroom and threw my things into the laundry basket.
Nanny came back with a clean pajama. When she was finished, I got to go to sleep. I hoped I hadn’t done anything to get myself into trouble.
Daddy was there when I woke up. Nanny was nowhere to be seen.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” saying that embarrassed me so much. He picked me up, and the routine that had started was followed through. As he was wiping me clean, he asked if I’d had anything to drink today.
“Not since breakfast,” I answered him honestly.
He grabbed me around the waist and held my right hand firmly with his left hand under my stomach. He started raining spanks on my bottom. So many I couldn’t count.
I had no fight in me. I just sobbed and took it.
He stopped and pulled up my pajama bottoms. I wetted my pants then. I was so afraid that he’d horse whip me for doing something like that. He sighed loudly and pulled them back down and threw them in the wash. He lifted me up and stood me in the tub.
Daddy cleaned up my little puddle without a word, and then he turned to me. He got the shower head out of its socket and pulled it over to me. He turned the water on and shifted it so it would come out of the shower and not the tap. I shook and cried as I watched him. I expected the worst.
“Open your legs wide.” He cleaned me up as if it were any other task.
When he was done, he brought me back to bed. “Now I want you to drink this whole glass of water. Can you do that for Daddy?”
“Yes, Daddy.” My hand shook as I took the glass. I drank it all greedily. I wanted more. He poured another glass, and I drank that one too.
I huge yawn escaped my lips. I’d experienced too much in the last fifteen minutes. I fell back to sleep.
I woke up on Daddy’s bed. He was asleep next to me. I slowly snuck out of the bed. I very quietly tip toed into my room and then into my bathroom. I had to go once again.
I left all the lights off. I cleaned myself up with a washcloth just like he wanted. I washed my hands.
I was just thinking about which bed I should go to when he flipped the lights on. I shaded my eyes against the invasion of the light.
He sighed as he pulled out the chair to my vanity table, which was built into the counter. He placed it in the middle of the room, just like Nanny had when she spanked me.
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I saw the rest of my life stretched out ahead of me. He’d either be beating me or raping me. I felt so desolate and alone.
He sat down and waved me over. I went to him hoping that tired look in his eye would mean that he wouldn’t be able to hit so hard. He pulled me over his lap.
He didn’t have to pull down my pajama bottoms because I didn’t have any on.
My hands flew forward so I wouldn’t come crashing down. He started in spanking me very hard. I quietly sobbed. There was no fight in me anymore. I was so unhappy.
Later when he stopped, he pulled me up so I was sitting on his lap.
I was crying silently with my head hung. I wanted to get away from him so badly, but how could I when he kept me locked in here? I had to wait for an opportunity to run. I would go then. I’d run, and I wouldn’t look back ever.
“Amelia, do you know why I spanked you?” He lifted my chin very gently with his thumb and finger so I was looking at him.
I shook my head. It didn’t matter anyway. He was making up the rules as he went along. I’d taken my blows for his imaginary crime that he’d thought up for me.
“I want you to wake me if you need anything in the night. Do you understand?”
Do you understand, he asked me that all the time. The truth was that no, I didn’t understand anything.
Why was he so mean to me?
Why hadn’t he just let me be? Why did he feel within his rights to treat me this way? I nodded anyway. I’d completely given up.
“Daddy, I have to go again.” I felt melancholy.
“Daddy will help you.” He swung me easily over to the toilet, where I peed right away not even feeling ashamed that he was there with me. I was used to it already.
He praised me and wiped me clean. He helped me wash my hands and held my hand as he led me back to his bed.
I frowned the whole time. I’d probably never smile again in all of my life. I lay in bed as still as I could. I was glad that he didn’t want sex just now. I’d have bawled the whole way through again.
He fell back to sleep.
I’d slept all day, and my thoughts were stronger than my tiredness as I lay there next to him in bed wishing I were anywhere else. He had a cruel streak in him. And I was a nobody he could let that out on.
My father wasn’t going to check in on me, to make sure that Brian was treating me well. No one was going to save me. There was no hope on the horizon.
I quietly cried into my pillow, so he wouldn’t hear me.
Chapter 12 – Finding Out The Whole Truth
She was sick. This was a chance for Brian to show her that he was in a position to take care of her.
Sometimes, she acted so much like a child that he thought that she meant it, but other times it was quite clear that she was pretending. That hurt him, but at least she was trying.
Brian had a feeling that she’d take off given half a chance. He decided to be strict with her so she knew what was expected of her.
If she behaved, he’d give her positive reinforcements.
This was really all a case of child psychology.
***
I was sitting at my desk reading about World War II with Nanny. My fever had broken, and Daddy insisted that I get going with my learning. He wanted an educated wife.
“I want you to write a summary about why Hitler raised up to be Fuhrer.” Nanny gave me paper and a fountain pen. I was no stranger to them. I had lots of bad childhood memories involving them. I had terrible penmanship.
“Does this include scrap paper?” I asked looking at the little pile of paper she’d given me. It wouldn’t be enough, especially with all the mistakes that I’d be making with my penmanship.
She smiled, “You can have as much as you need.” She left the room. I heard her open the door to her room, but she didn�
��t close it.
I went to work on my outline. Writing essays had always been my strong point. I worked all morning until she came and got me for lunch. I’d heard her coming so I turned the papers over so she could only see the white side.
We went down to lunch. I had to walk through my closet, then my bathroom and then through Nanny’s bedroom; which looked a lot like Daddy’s but much smaller, to get out into the hall to go down to lunch. They had me literally cornered in.
Nanny and I sat down to lunch. It was always very healthy, mostly vegetables. I ate what was put in front of me, but I ate as little as possible. I’d already decided to do what I could to die. I’d get weak and then just let things run their course.
I assumed that he’d beat me too long once with that horsewhip of his. I pictured myself passing out and not waking up again.
A few tears escaped my eyes as I thought so callously about my own death.
“What’s wrong, Amelia?” Nanny leaned towards me a little with her fork still in her hand, held at a perfect angle to her body. The way she’d instructed me to eat too.
“Nothing Nanny. I’m just not that hungry today.” I’d only eaten half, and I was still starving.
“Very well, but do sit up straight with your head held high.”
I moved so I was sitting, as she wanted me to do. I lifted my cloth napkin off of my lap and laid it down next to my plate the way she wanted it done. I waited patiently for her to finish.
“I think I’ll ask your Daddy if we can use his movie theater for an educational movie. Would you like that?” She seemed in no hurry as she chatted with me.
“Yes, Nanny, I would.” I’d really liked the movie theater. It had been so beautiful, and the movie was so nice.
“Good, then we can ask your Daddy this evening at supper.”
She finished eating, and then we went back up to my bedroom. She took off my shoes and covered me up with an extra blanket. “You don’t have to sleep. You may read a bit, but I want you to stay in bed for an hour. You’ll be taking naps for a while now until you’re all better.”
“Yes, Nanny.” She smiled at me and left to go to her bedroom again. The door remained open. I lay in bed and wondered if she was also taking a nap.
Maybe I could sneak past her and out of the house. If I made it to the street, then I could call for help.
Would someone help me?
What if I didn’t make it out?
What would he do to me for trying to runaway? The word divorce had practically gotten me killed.
I spent the hour staring at the ceiling. It was rococo style, white with a wooden border. It was very pretty. I was the jewel that lived in a jewelry box.
My room was obviously for a girl. I just hadn’t realized how young that girl was supposed to be.
I thought of ways to make my life more bearable here. I wiped the tears away from my eyes.
I remembered lying in my bed at my father’s house and thinking along the same lines. I was always trying to please the others. Be it my father, the sisters at school and now Nanny and Daddy.
I wondered what they’d do if I became a real spoiled brat and really started pulling things and talking back. I smiled and thought of things that I could do until I thought of Daddy’s horsewhip.
Nanny was on the phone talking to someone. I concentrated on her voice, but I could only make out a few words like summer session, Amelia, appointment and visit.
I guessed it was for the school Nanny wanted to send me to. Daddy didn’t look too convinced about it. Did I want to go?
It would be a chance for me to get out of here. I felt that I was already depressed with the whole situation.
Maybe it would be good for me? Maybe, if the other girls also had Daddy’s like I did, I could make a friend who I could talk to. That’d be so nice. I’d really like that.
We could visit the school, and I could get an impression. If it were terrible, then I’d see that right away. If the girls were all mean snobs, I’d notice something like that even on a visit.
I drifted off to sleep dreaming about a friend who would make my life bearable.
“Amelia, we still have work to do today.” Nanny drew the curtains open, and the sun came pouring in. I sat up and looked around. I looked at the clock. It had been two hours since Nanny had put me down for my nap.
“Good morning, Nanny.” I said the word morning very uncertainly.
“Yes, good afternoon, Amelia. Let’s get some water into you so Daddy doesn’t have to spank you again.”
I felt the heat race to my face. She knew about that?
I guessed the two of them talked when I slept.
That was not a good sign for me. If they were telling each other everything, then I had to be very careful about what I said about the other one.
Saying nothing seemed to be the cleverest thing to do.
I got up and went to the bathroom. I waited for Nanny to come in to clean me up. She did after a bit. She leaned against the doorframe and folded her arms over her chest. “Amelia, your fever is gone. You can take care of yourself now.” She looked like she was deciding if she was mad or not.
“Daddy spanked me for doing it myself last night.” Tears pooled in my eyes. “Tell me what to do so no one will hit me,” I cried. I was so scared at the moment, sobbing and frightened.
She got out a washcloth and got it wet before she handed it to me, and I cleaned myself off.
I put the washcloth in the laundry and wash my shaking hands. The heat rising to my face had already turned into a pounding headache. I felt so dizzy, and I just needed a break from all this stress.
I turned to Nanny. She looked scared too. I took a deep breath, but it was too late. I dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. I hit my head on the counter on the way down. My hands flew up to my head sending more blood rushing to my face. I felt sick.
Nanny wasn’t sure what to do. That was a first.
I crawled over to the toilet and threw up what little I’d eaten for lunch.
I stayed there waiting to see what Nanny expected of me now. I wanted her to like me so much, but I was making a mess out if everything.
Nanny walked past me and out to her bedroom. She was on the phone again. “She passed out after her nap. She fell in the bathroom and hit her head on the countertop pretty hard. She threw up then. Should I bring her in?”
Nanny listened to the person she was talking to. Was it Daddy?
“Yes, we’ll be right there.” She hung up and dialed again. “We’ll be needing the limousine this afternoon. I’ll be down in five minutes.” She hung up.
Nanny’s position was clearly higher than the driver’s.
She came back to me. “Amelia I want you to try to brush your teeth before we go to Daddy.” She was getting it ready as she spoke.
I sat up slowly, because the room was still spinning. I reached for the toothbrush, but I didn’t get up off the floor. I brushed and spit into the toilet. I was curious about what would happen next.
Going to see Daddy, what could that mean?
It sounded like he’d meet us, and we’d go to the doctor’s office together.
Nanny came back with my shoes. She took my toothbrush and changed me into a different outfit. She helped me with my shoes, and I slowly pulled myself up to standing. I leaned on her as she led me out of the door. She grabbed her purse as we went through her room.
I had to wonder what she did on the weekends.
She was so close by, had she heard what had happened? I’d screamed out in pain lots of times. The thought of someone hearing that embarrassed me.
The limo was indeed waiting. Nanny got me in the car, and then she whispered to the driver where she wanted to go.
I had to wonder about Daddy. He’d always used the limousine. Did they have two of them, or did the driver drive him to work and come back home, or what?
I leaned on Nanny’s shoulder. I was dizzy from the walk down to the car. I hoped Daddy would carry me wh
erever we had to go.
We drove awhile, and then we were in the middle of the city and traffic moved very slowly. I tried not to move at all. If I kept really still, then I wouldn’t be sick again. I hoped. I’d eaten so little lately that I must be empty.
We pulled into an underground parking lot. The limousine stopped next to the elevators. Nanny opened the door, and the smell of car exhaust hit me, making me worry about my stomach again.
Where was Daddy?
I wanted my Daddy badly. He was always saying that he could make things all better. That’s what I wanted right now.
Nanny pulled me out and had me on my feet. I swooned, but she caught me and pulled me to the elevators. I leaned against the wall. That disgusted Nanny beyond words, but I just couldn’t stand. I just wanted to sit down on the floor. She should have been proud that I didn’t do that.
The elevator went ping. I stumbled out hoping for a waiting room with chairs. Nanny linked her arm in mine and marched me down a hallway and in through glass doors. She set me down on a pink padded chair. She went to the receptionist, and then she hurried back to me.
The walk up here had been too much for me. I raised my hand up to my mouth. “Nanny.”
“Not again.” She grabbed my arm and brought me to a bathroom. She wetted a couple of paper towels and held them to my forehead after I’d finished being sick.
I slowly got up and looked at her. “Nanny, what happened?”
She looked so surprised again. “You passed out and hit your head.”
My hand lifted to my head. I had blood in my hair. Nanny grabbed my hand and washed it off, and then she washed my mouth out. She dabbed it dry. She pulled a toothbrush and toothpaste out of her purse.
After I was minty fresh, she brought me back out to the waiting room. We sat, and I looked around a little. That was when I noticed that I was the oldest one here.
When they started something, they went the whole way. This was a pediatrician’s office. There were mothers here with their children and me with Nanny. The mothers eyed me and then traded looks with each other. They were trying to guess my age.
