by Rachel Burns
“Thank you.” I whispered, fighting back more tears.
“Excuse me,” Nanny called to the shop assistant. “We’ll be taking this one. Do you have shoes in size seven and a half to match?”
“Yes, we have several,” the saleslady eagerly nodded.
“The heels shouldn’t be too high. She should be able to walk normally. And she needs a purse to match too.”
“Coming right up.” The saleslady seemed overjoyed to help us.
I stood still debating whether or not to tell the woman that I was actually being held against my will. Would she feel sorry for someone like me, or would she think I was stupid, not recognizing a good thing when I had it? I looked at myself. I looked like a little girl playing dress up.
“Amelia, perhaps you should sit down so you can try on your shoes?” Nanny suggested.
I nodded and let her lead me where she wanted me to be. She gave me a handkerchief. I dabbed at my eyes.
Who was I trying to fool? I didn’t belong in a world like this. I even looked forward to being at my desk working on my essay. That world fit better.
I had to try to get along with Daddy better. No matter what that meant. I’d do my best. I had to get myself pulled together before the saleslady came back.
Daddy hadn’t meant this as a punishment but as a treat. He was trying, and so would I. He was my husband. This had to work out.
I wouldn’t find anyone else who wanted me. I wasn’t a virgin anymore. That put my worth way down on the scale.
I was sitting in a very expensive store getting whatever I wanted; I didn’t have it that bad. I just had to be very good and show them that I appreciated the things they did for me.
I got to eat at the table with them. Who was I trying to kid; this was a major step up for me. I breathed in through my nose and my heart sank.
The lady brought the shoes. Nanny grabbed two pairs and set them aside right away as being too sexy, or too high, or too whatever.
I pointed to the pair I liked best and looked up at Nanny who nodded her approval. The saleslady also looked at Nanny. She seemed to understand how things worked with us. The shoes were the same style as my wedding shoes had been.
A purse was also quickly found. Nanny took care of paying for things.
I got to leave my new things on. I felt a little silly walking around the city with Nanny in her strict nanny clothes, but there were other people out there who were dressed more oddly than we were.
A man bumped into me in the whole mess of people on the sidewalk. He sent me a couple of steps back. Nanny had continued walking. There were so many people on the sidewalk that I couldn’t see her anymore.
I stood still stupidly and waited to see what would happen. I could blend into the crowd going the other way and run away. I didn’t have anywhere to go.
The nuns at school had taught us to hug a tree if we got lost in the woods and to stay where we were. I looked up and saw a streetlight. I didn’t want to hug that, but the principle was the same.
I moved so I was standing next to it. I watched the crowd for Nanny. I saw her coming a moment later. She had her cell out as she fought to walk against the flow of traffic.
“Nanny!” I called out.
She looked so relieved. “Amelia, sweetheart. What happened?” she smiled at me as she spoke.
I moved closer to her, and she took my hand. “A man bumped into me. He took me along with him a couple of steps, and you were gone. The nuns at school said we should hug a tree if we got lost. I just stood by the streetlight and waited.”
“That was the exact right thing to do. You’re a very clever girl. That was a fine school that you went to.” She locked her arm in mine. We walked briskly to the hairdresser’s.
Nanny wanted her to give me just a touch of make-up. Nanny had told them that I was going out with my Daddy tonight, to my first Broadway show.
They all talked to me like I was a lot younger too. They probably thought I was fifteen or sixteen. Nanny explained the bump on my head.
Nanny repeated, again and again, how much older I looked.
When they were finished, they turned me towards the mirror. I stood up and looked at myself. They’d pinned my hair up and given me a bit of make-up. I was surprised at the difference it made.
“I look older.” Why did I say that? I was playing right into their hands, again. I’d given in to everything they wanted pretty easily.
Why did I do that? I stood in front of the mirror turning this way and that.
“Amelia, it’s time. You don’t want your Daddy to wait for you, do you?”
“I’m coming.” I went to her and automatically reached for her hand before we went out into the street again. Daddy had called her to check on us so he knew the whole hug a tree story. I was entertaining him again.
We weren’t that far from his office. I was somehow relieved to be inside again. There were just too many people on the street.
Nanny was somehow very mad at me. This day just wasn’t going as she’d planned. She sighed as she pushed the button for the elevator.
“I’m sorry I passed out, Nanny.”
Nanny turned and looked at me surprised. She didn’t say anything. She even looked away from me then.
The elevator doors opened, and a couple of men got in. They both looked at me. Their eyes said that they didn’t think that I was fifteen or sixteen. They thought I was older than I really was. They smiled at me.
I tried to move closer to Nanny, but they were blocking the way. Nanny’s hands were already on her hips. She was watching them. They were both wearing suits, and they were as big as Daddy. I didn’t think she’d have a chance against them if they decided to attack.
They didn’t. The whole thing ended when we reached the right floor. I got out of the elevator and so did Nanny.
She shook her head, and we went back to Daddy’s office.
For a grown married woman I sure did do a lot of stupid stuff. I bet Nanny was thinking the same thing.
We went back into his waiting room. It was empty. I was feeling better now. Nanny had been giving me water to drink the whole afternoon, a sip here and there.
I had a chance to look around. It was full of toys. There were more toys for little girls than for boys. There was a corner devoted just to dolls.
I hated dolls. There was something about their eyes that spooked me. If I were a little girl, I’d have played with the blocks. That probably would have disappointed Daddy. He’d have liked to see me playing with the dolls, feeding them, putting pretty dresses on them and doing their hair.
I looked over at Nanny; she’d probably played with dolls as a little girl. I was her real life doll. She was even being paid to play with me. I wondered if she even spanked her dolls too?
Daddy wasn’t finished, and I kept on eyeing the blocks. They were on the table right in front of me. I reached out and lined up a couple, just out of boredom.
I looked at Nanny. She was reading a parental magazine.
I started building in earnest. I used all the blocks, but I wasn’t finished with what I wanted to make. It looked like Greek ruins.
Daddy cleared his throat, and I looked up. He’d changed too. He was smiling at me.
Again I’d entertained him and played right into his hands.
“Thank you, Nanny. That will be all for today.” He hardly looked at her. He was looking at me.
I felt so stupid. He was right I was childish. I got up and went to him. Nanny was getting up to leave too. “Good night, Nanny. Thank you for everything that you did for me today.”
“Of course, Amelia.” She smiled at me and left.
Daddy took me by my hand and pulled me along with him. He said good night to the nurses as they left. They all stared at me as we passed.
He brought me to a woman who wasn’t dressed in white. This must be his secretary. She handed him a thick brown envelope. She was a bit older, and she seemed very competent. Her hair was drawn up into a very serious lookin
g bun. Mine was swooped up with curls framing my face here and there.
Daddy introduced us. “This is my wife, Amelia.” She nodded at me without giving me the once over that the nurses had when I came in before and now again in my fancy clothes. “Amelia, this is my secretary, Mrs. Morrison.”
I nodded back. She told him this and that and in which restaurant we had reservations. She left with a quick good evening.
Daddy smiled at me, but his eyes were laughing at me. “You look very lovely.”
“You look very nice too.” He was wearing a tux again. He looked like a male model.
Daddy linked my arm in his, and we went out the way the nurses had left.
He had two offices in one. If you came in one way, you didn’t know about the other office.
He went to a lot of trouble to be able to work with children. I hoped he wasn’t doing anything to them.
He pushed the button for the elevator. The two men from before were on their way down too. They hardly looked at me now that Daddy was with me.
We went out to the street. I took his hand. I already had a real phobia for crowds. He took a second to smile at me as I did that. Then he turned his attention back to the street. He called a taxi and one stopped right away.
He opened the door for me and helped me in. He climbed in after me and told the driver where we wanted to go.
Daddy stared at me a little. I still had the feeling that he was laughing at me.
“How are you feeling?” he squinted his eyes like he expected me to lie.
“I was a little dizzy before, but I’m fine now.”
“Good. The important thing is to keep you awake.”
“When do I get to sleep again?” Was this a twenty-four hour thing?
“When we get home, we’ll go to bed.”
That could mean two different things. I looked away from him so he couldn’t guess what I was thinking. We didn’t have any problems in bed.
We arrived at the restaurant. It was very fine. Again I felt like a little girl playing dress up.
He went through the motions of being on a date, but he smiled the whole time in a way that let me know that this was only a game and not the change we’d talked about. It became clear to me that this wouldn’t last.
I should just probably play along.
Daddy told the man our name, and that we had a table reserved. The man’s eyes widen. He personally brought us to our table instead of passing us off to the waiters like he had with the couple before us. He held out my chair for me and pushed it in again. Then he gave us the menu and told us that our waiter would be with us shortly.
We thanked him and then studied the menu. I wasn’t used to this. Nanny had picked out for me, the two other times that I’d eaten in a restaurant.
I peeked at him over my menu. He was just closing his and laying it down.
“What are you having?” I asked him.
“I’m having the roast veal in red wine sauce.”
“Oh.” That hadn’t helped at all. I found what he wanted and looked at the price of it. I didn’t want to order anything more expensive, knowing that you’re not supposed to do that.
I found a steak with vegetables and herbal butter that sounded good. I asked if I could have that. I was kind of hungry.
He was laughing, “You can have anything you want, Amelia.” He became very serious at the end. I had the feeling that he really meant it when he said I could have anything I wanted. Well, almost anything, the thing I wanted most he wasn’t prepared to give me.
“Thank you.” I searched for what I wanted to drink. At school, we’d been given milk or water. Milk wasn’t on the menu. I found a water on the menu that I wanted. He picked up his menu again and found the things I wanted so he could tell the waiter.
The waiter appeared as soon as we’d both set our menus aside. Daddy ordered for both of us. I didn’t have to deal with the waiter at all. Daddy took care of everything as always.
When the waiter was gone, Daddy stared at me for a bit. He didn’t know what to say to me.
I couldn’t think of anything to say either. So I said the first thing that popped into my head. “Are you going to fire the nurse, who walked in on us?”
“What, no. Where did that question come from?” He grinned at me.
“She’s afraid that you might. I heard her talking to the other nurses.”
“The nurses never have to knock before they come in. One has to be in the room with me when I’m with a patient even. That’s one of the reasons she looked so shocked when she found us kissing all alone.
“It’s a big rule I have. It protects me from being falsely accused of anything. I always have a witness that everything is on the up and up. She could only have thought the worst. We were very close at that moment and we were alone. Warning bells had to be going off in her head.” He thought the whole thing was funny. “It’s all cleared up now. Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to her and explain that I’m not mad.”
“What kind of business do you do?” He was answering questions, so I decided it was a way to be saying something.
“I just continue what my father used to do, mostly buying and selling property and other boring things. I just do it because there is lots of money in it, and because it’s expected of me, but being a doctor is what I am. How is your head? I still have to take care of that tonight and give you your next shot.”
“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” I dismissed the idea that I needed his help.
He looked mad.
I was confused. “Did I say something wrong?”
“It just hurts me that you think you aren’t worth me taking care of you because you are. You really are, Amelia.”
I looked away from him. I didn’t want to fight with him. I wanted us to get along. “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to all of this attention. I’ve been left to myself ever since I can remember. This constant attention is too much for me.” I said the word attention like it was a dirty word.
“I realize that, Amelia. But believe me, how you lived before wasn’t healthy. This is better for you. You’ll quickly get used to it. You don’t have to live like that anymore.”
How could my living in fear of him be healthier?
“What was your childhood like?” I wanted to change the topic before I said what I was really thinking.
“It was pretty normal actually, I mean, rich normal, but my parents spent a lot of time with us. They wanted us to do a lot of sports. My brother was, and is, very important to me. I think he’s my best friend. He understands what it was like at school.”
“You didn’t like school?” My life had always been better at school, not great but better. Someone who had money and who was good in sports should have done well at school.
“The others liked my money more than me. Rich people are worse than poor people. They always want more. I can’t tell you how many of my friends pushed me to marry their sisters or cousins. Not for love, they just wanted a piece of the pie. My brother went through the same thing. He understands. He got lucky and found Nancy. She was a waitress and had no idea who he was until a week before their wedding. He’s very happy that I was able to find someone like you.”
“Someone like me?” What could that mean?
“I don’t think you married me for my money. You’re the only person who I could have married without wondering every day if you were just using me. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends. They were always asking me where I had houses, If I had a yacht or and airplane. It got to be very tiresome. I used to dream about changing my name. Now I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
“You think I didn’t marry you for your money?”
“I know you didn’t.” He looked me straight in the eye. He honestly believed what he was saying, just like he believed that I was a little girl who still needed to be raised.
“Then why did I marry you?”
“You married me because you needed me. Me, not my money.”<
br />
I nodded. That did make sense. “But no matter how you lay it out I’m using you.”
“You give more than you take.” He had a twinkle in his eyes again.
“If you knew how much this dress cost, you wouldn’t say that.”
He laughed aloud, and the people surrounding us turned to look.
I blushed beet red.
He laughed all the more because of that. “You’re the only person I truly talk to. I needed that in my life, and you’re so honest. I believe you’re the only person who has never lied to me. Even Nanny lied to me today.
“You look at me with your amazing big blue eyes, and you always tell me the truth.” He was lost in thought, thinking about something that had passed between us.
I had to think about everything that I’d ever told him, but my mind got stuck on today. Me telling him that I’d bumped my head and him taking care of it.
Daddy didn’t want me to know that he was a doctor, a pediatrician. He was worried about what I might think. He knew what I’d assume.
Now the question was, did I believe him. I wanted to believe that he’d never hurt a little girl the way he hurt me, but I’d never really know.
I blushed again and looked down. We were pretending today, tomorrow things would be back to normal. It would be open season on me again.
I stood up and excused myself. He stood up when I did. It was more because he was afraid I’d take off than because of manners.
“I’ll be right back.” A waiter had showed up to help me with my chair. “I need to powder my nose,” I whispered to the waiter.
He escorted me most of the way. I hurried and returned to Daddy. I didn’t want him mad at me, not under any circumstance.
He stood up again as I came back. The waiter showed up to help me with my chair.
Daddy sat when I did. Our food came then. We ate in silence.
I thought about all the secrets he kept from me: his lifestyle, his name and occupation. Things that shouldn’t be important, but they were important because he wanted to keep them a secret.
What else wasn’t he telling me? He kept me locked up and punished me at will.
