by Rachel Burns
I looked down at it.
The eyes were half way open, and it was smiling at me. It was thinking, I win, you lose.
“If I play with her for half an hour, can we put her back in her box?”
“No we don’t need the box anymore. I’ll throw it away.” Daddy was flattening its box as he spoke.
“I think she may be hungry.” Nanny smiled at it.
“What does it eat?” Oh, this was only getting worse. I started to think that I shouldn’t have read books about vampires, because it was too easy for me to imagine it drinking my blood.
“She eats pretend food.”
“Babies are supposed to have nannies, right? Then you could feed her.” I almost threw the doll at Nanny. I was shaking in fear already.
“Amelia, you have to be nice to her, or she won’t like you.” Nanny laid it back in my arms. “Let’s pretend that she’s crying. You want to comfort her to get her to stop. What do we do when you cry? Show me.”
I looked at Daddy who was nodding at Nanny as he sat on my bed, totally concerned.
I shifted the doll so it was sitting on my lap. I patted her back a little and said there, there. I looked at them to see if this satisfied them.
I wished it were a teddy bear with all my heart.
“She stopped crying,” I proclaimed.
Daddy took the doll and laid it on my bed. “That was great sweetheart. You can read some more.” He waved Nanny to him as they left. He closed the door as they went.
I was alone with it, and Nanny had already said it didn’t like me.
I tried to read, but I peeked at it to make sure it stayed put.
Chapter 5 – Seeking Help
“That was scary. I’ve never seen a worse case.” Brian shook his head as he spoke to Nanny. “She must have never been held as a baby, at all. It’s a wonder she didn’t die of neglect. That bastard. We can’t ignore this. She’ll have to see someone about this.”
“I’m so sorry, sir. She seemed so normal otherwise. She’s so well behaved.”
“That might just be a show. She’s a ticking time bomb. I have to make some calls. I know who is the best in this field. I’ll explain and try to get him to come to my office as soon as I can. We may have to cancel the trip.” He walked past a very sad and disturbed looking Nanny.
Brian went down to his office and opened up his laptop. He had his address book on it. The names of his colleagues, the best doctors in New York were in it.
He scrolled down the page to Dr. Waters, a specialist who worked with the most disturbed children.
He dialed his home phone number.
When he answered, Brian explained that a family had stopped by his office and told them their worries.
He lied, saying that the family had adopted a sixteen-year-old girl, and that they’d noticed several things that had really scared them.
He explained about her not being able to bond and how she treated the doll.
“I’ll make time to see her tomorrow. Have them bring her in to your office tomorrow evening. If she needs to be removed from the home and placed in care, then it should be done quickly. What a shame, it sounds like she got such a nice family.”
“They can’t bring her in tomorrow personally, but I’ll see to it that she’s there. This is just too important to push off. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.”
“Sure, no problem.”
“Would she really have to go to a home?”
“I’m afraid so. She’d need to be tested on a long-term basis. We can film the session and show the parents. I’ll make time to see them and answer their questions. They need to understand that giving her back would be the best thing for her in that case.”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll do that. You’re already helping out so much. They’re going to be devastated. So you’re guessing that she’s just been pretending to be nice?”
“I can’t give a diagnosis based on a conversation over the phone.”
“Yes, I know that. I say that to my patients all the time. But the truth is – ” He let his voice trail off.
“If she really was so neglected as a child, then there was a good chance that she never learned to bond emotionally with people. She may just be watching others and copying them.”
Brian felt his world was falling apart. Of course, this wouldn’t work out. He could never be that lucky. This was all a charade, and the game was over.
***
“Amelia, sweetheart. It’s time for bed.” He walked past me and into my bathroom. I got up and followed him.
I imagined the doll following close behind us.
I looked back, and it was still on the bed. I went to the bathroom and felt especially vulnerable as I peed.
I got undressed, and Daddy helped me into a pajama. It was a dress kind. I was a little surprised that he put me in anything at all. Usually I went without, when we slept together. They’d have just gotten in the way.
I looked around to make sure it was still on the bed.
It was. It was gaining Daddy’s trust. He was falling for it too.
I went to his door, but he went to my bed. He picked it up. He didn’t want to take it with us, did he?
He was turning down my bed. He wanted me to sleep here and not with him. I went to him and got into my bed.
“I need you to come into my office tomorrow evening. I want to look at your stitches again.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
Daddy nodded without meeting my eye. He was mad because I didn’t like his gift. He was punishing me.
Daddy laid the doll down on my pillow, too. “Sleep well, sweetheart.” He kissed my forehead and left.
I was alone with it in the dark.
I was so scared that I couldn’t move at all. I could hardly breathe. I imagined that it would grab on to my neck and start squeezing any second now.
I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to do something.
I grabbed it by its arm and shoved it into the cupboard under the sink in the bathroom. I got a bell out from one of my games, and wrapped it around the cupboard handles as tightly as I could with a string.
I worried that it may have sneaked out while I was getting the bell. I opened the doors and peeked in.
It was still in there.
I closed the doors as quickly as I could and wound the string with the bell as tightly as I could again.
I went back to bed, but I still couldn’t sleep. I kept on thinking that I heard a bell.
The door opened, and Daddy came in again.
I closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping.
“Where is your doll?”
I hadn’t fooled him.
“Answer me!”
I threw the covers back and got up. I walked into the bathroom and pointed at the cupboard.
Daddy was in shock. His jaw had fallen open again.
He was setting it free.
Daddy looked at me and then back at the doll.
He laid it down and grabbed me and pulled me into his room. I stumbled along next to him. He removed my pajamas and went into his closet. He came back out with his horsewhip.
I sniffled as I saw it again.
He grabbed my arm and pushed me over the end of his bed. The wood from the baseboard pushed into my stomach. He raised the horsewhip and brought it down across my back.
I gasped aloud in pain. I’d forgotten how much it hurt.
He brought it down on me even harder this time.
I sobbed as I tried so hard to breathe. It whistled again as it cut through the air and landed across my back again. I tried not to scream out.
I knew that Nanny was close by. She could hear everything that was going on. I knew from experience that she wouldn’t come, no matter what.
I lost count. It was over ten I was sure of that.
I registered that I was still standing somewhat. I was mostly leaning over the end of his bed. My stomach hurt from the pressure of my weight.
I wanted to die
so badly at the moment. I prayed that I could.
He stopped and grabbed me by my arm and dragged me back to my bed. He threw me down on the bed as I sobbed.
“What is wrong with you?” He left and locked me in again.
I fought to stay awake. I was still so afraid of the doll.
Eventually, I fell asleep.
“Amelia, can you hear me? Amelia, wake up.” Nanny was shaking me.
I was too tired to wake up just yet. I’d been up for hours worrying and wondering where the doll was lurking.
I was coming around now. I had hair in my mouth. I wiped my finger behind my ear away from my mouth, but it didn’t get better. My back felt so sore.
I moved my head, and the hair fell out of my mouth.
I opened my eyes and saw the doll under my arm.
It had been laying so close to me as I slept.
I pushed further away from it. In my fear, I misjudged the width of the bed, and landed on the floor.
My back hurt even worse now. I crawled into the corner and wept.
Nanny tried to get me to get up, but I was too emotionally broken at that moment.
After a bit, she was able to pull me into the bathroom to wash me and dress me. She was keeping her distance from me today. It almost seemed like she was afraid of me.
“You slept so long that we have to hurry to make your appointment. You can eat in the car.”
“Yes, Nanny.” She had me dressed and ready very quickly. She picked up the doll from my unmade bed.
“Does she have to go with?” I whined.
“Yes, she does,” Nanny answered strictly.
I hoped we could somehow lose her on the way. If I forgot it at Daddy’s office, then he’d just bring her back the next day.
But then I could have one good night’s sleep.
I dreamt ways of losing it, dropping it in the elevator sounded like the best idea.
We went to Daddy’s office and sat down in the waiting room. I had the doll on my lap.
No one else was here anymore today. Most of the lights had been turned off. It was dark outside. I’d slept all day.
I eyed the blocks and wished he’d given me a set of those instead. I couldn’t play with them now. Bending, stretching and reaching all hurt my back so much.
I wanted to break down and cry. I had a feeling like I was just holding on by my fingernails.
Daddy came out with another man. He introduced us. I shook the doctor’s hand politely.
“Dr. Waters wants to talk to you about a few things. You two can use this office. I have to get some other things ready for you. Just you two talk.” Daddy left closing the door behind him.
I laid the doll down on the floor once he was gone.
“Why did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Lay your doll on the floor, just now?”
“It was too warm for her on my lap.”
“Oh, I see. Amelia, I wanted to play a game with you.” He moved over to a dollhouse. “I want you to tell me about when you were a little girl. Let’s pretend this is your house from back then. Who lives in the house with you?”
“My father,” I answered him. I didn’t want to talk about my father.
“Here, look in this box. Pick out people to play you and your father.” He held out a box with cute wooden figures in them. They had clothes on and yarn for hair.
I picked out a girl with dark hair for me, and a bald grandfather type for my father. It was just the closest.
“Do you live alone with your father?”
“No, there are lots of servants.”
“Pick some people to play those as well.” I grabbed a couple of adult looking ones.
“Play out a normal day.”
“Do I have to?”
“Please, Amelia.”
I put the servants in the kitchen, my father in the living room, but I rearranged the furniture to make it look more like an office. I held my hand under the table.”
“Why are you putting your person under the table?”
“My room was in the basement.” I brought my wooden me up and went into the kitchen. I pretended to help out there.
After a while, I moved my father to the dining room and had servants bring him food. Then I moved him back to his office.
“I’d like you to make typical conversations between the people in your house.”
I shook my head. “My house was really that quiet.”
“Didn’t the servants talk to you?”
I shook my head again. “Only when they wanted me to do something for them.”
“How did your father feel about the servants telling you what to do?”
“He didn’t mind.” I avoided his eye.
“Show me how the day progressed.” I took the Amelia figure and put her outside. “Let’s pretend that it’s fall, and then she can pick some apples to eat.”
“That’s a good idea. Tell me, why she likes to pick apples so much?”
“She gets to stay outside a lot longer that way. She doesn’t have to worry about helping out to get lunch. She just steals it from the trees,” I giggled a little.
“What happens when her father and she meet in the hall, for example?”
“Umm, that never happens.” I moved the father figure over to the hall and then the Amelia figure. “She hides so he doesn’t see her. There are lots of places to hide.”
“What would he have said if he did see her?”
“He’d be mad. He’d ask if she’d helped out, and scold her, because of what she did.” I wiped tears out of my eyes.
“What did she do?”
“She killed her mother.”
“How?”
“She was born.” I laid the figure under the table again and moved my hand back to my lap.
“Show me what a normal day should have been like.”
I was feeling a little upset, but then I decided that it might distract me for a moment. I didn’t want to cry in front of this stranger.
I picked another figure out of the box, a woman. I sat them at the table and smiled at them. I made up a nice conversation and had them talk about going to Amelia’s school. All the other parents were going, and they wanted to go to. Amelia got the lead in the school musical, and they wanted to go see it.
I smiled at the doctor. It was such a nice game.
“Now it’s time for Amelia to go to bed. Have them put her to bed nicely.”
I laid her in a bed upstairs. Her parents both gave her a kiss and then left.
“She has to sleep all alone? Doesn’t she have a toy to sleep with?”
“Good idea. We could pretend she has a teddy bear.”
“Not a doll.”
I shook my head.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Their eyes.”
“What’s with their eyes?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“She could have both,” he offered.
“No, that’s okay. A teddy bear is more than enough.”
“Is she afraid of dolls?”
“They look so real, but I hoped they’re not,” I confessed.
“What would they do if they could?”
“Nothing good. They watch and wait.”
“Why did you lock your doll up in the cupboard?” he asked.
“I was just so tired, and I wanted to sleep.”
“What was the bell for?” he asked.
“That way I could hear if it broke out. It could wake me up before something happened.”
“What could have happened?”
“Nothing good,” I repeated. I didn’t really want to tell him about the images that I saw in my head, where the doll had a knife.
“Amelia, do you like teddy bears.”
“I guess so.” I smiled a little.
“You guess so? You don’t know?”
“I’ve never had one, but lots of other girls at school had them. They look really nice.”
“Did the
other girls have dolls too?”
“Yes.” I looked away from him.
“Did your roommates at school have them?”
“One of the girls I shared a room with the first year had lots.”
“Did she play with them?”
“Not really. She lined them up along the wall so they could see everything. They had their eyes open day and night. I was really glad that she changed schools after the first year.”
“Have you come in contact with dolls since then?”
“No, just the CPR doll at school.”
“Did he bother you?”
“Not as much, but he didn’t have legs or arms.”
“Did you worry about him in the night?”
“Not really. They kept him locked up, in a metal cabinet. Why would they do that if he weren’t dangerous? Even if it would be hard for him to move around without arms and legs,” I mused. “He didn’t really have eyes either. He wasn’t as bad. Still, they took precautions.”
The doctor nodded. “Let’s not talk about dolls anymore. There is a teddy bear over there. Will you go get it?”
“Of course.” I smiled at it and picked it up.
“How would you think a little girl would play with her teddy bear?”
“Well, if he’s anything like Winnie the Pooh, I’d suppose she’d have to feed him, a lot.”
“Look, there is a table with dishes. You could feed him there.”
This was all really ridiculous; but I needed a moment to slow down and relax. The bear in my hand was sort of comforting me.
“Oh, why not,” I said. There was no harm in pretending a little. I pulled out one of the tiny chairs and sat down at the table with the bear on my lap. I picked up a cup and a spoon.
“There are two other chairs. He can sit on one of them if he likes.” The doctor sat down across from me, also on one of the tiny chairs.
“Here is fine. Plus we wouldn’t want him to get full of honey. It’s so sticky.”
“I see, but the empty chairs are bothering me.”
“The more the merrier?” I asked him.
He nodded.
I put down the cup and went to get a couple more stuffed animals. I got a frog and a dog. I gave the frog a plate to eat from and the dog a bowl.
