by Rachel Burns
“Do you want to have something, too?” I asked the doctor.
“I’ll just have some tea.” He smiled. I gave him a cup on a saucer.
“Sugar or milk?” I asked.
“Sugar please.” I got him a spoon and the sugar bowl.
I sat down again and continued to feed teddy.
“Why aren’t you helping the frog and the dog eat?”
“I gave the frog a plate of flies. He eats them with his tongue. And the dog can eat out of his bowl all by himself, too. But this little guy would stick his paws into the honey pot and then get his face all sticky too. He just needs a bit of help.” I was talking so ridiculously, but it was kind of fun too. Again something I missed as a child.
“You mentioned Pooh. Did you see the movies?”
“No, I read the books. I liked them. Pooh and all of his friends were so nice. Pooh and his honey pot, and the fact that he ate so much that his stitching kept coming undone. Plus they really loved their little boy.”
“How could you tell?”
“When he went to school, they went looking for him. They missed him. That was nice.”
“So you wanted a teddy bear, not a doll. Why didn’t you tell your new family that?”
“They were so happy to give me the doll. I just didn’t want to ruin it for them. They even took the time to teach me how to play with it, but I was scared and – repulsed.”
“What is it that really bothers you about dolls?” he asked.
“They see everything. You can’t really keep a secret from them, and their hands are just so much like ours. I know I sound like a little kid, but something about them makes me feel like one. But not in a good way.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Being a child isn’t all fun and games. Everyone is bigger and stronger than you are. They can decide to be nice to you, or to hurt you. Dolls make me feel tiny, helpless and scared. Especially at night.”
“But the teddy bear has eyes too?”
I covered the bear’s ears, so he couldn’t hear me. “They’re just buttons,” I explained.
He nodded in understanding.
“Thank you for talking to me Amelia. You can play some more if you want.” As he left, I got another bear and put it in the empty spot.
I was sort of humming, but I peeked over at my doll on the floor. It wouldn’t like what I had all said about it. It would want revenge.
Perhaps I should be kissing up to it?
Pretending that I liked it, and cared for it?
No I couldn’t do that. It was just so – disgusting.
I shuddered and turned my attention back to the toys in front of me. I wished I’d had a normal room as a child with stuffed animals and tiny table and chairs.
If I ever had a daughter, I’d want her to have it better than I did.
Chapter 6 – Passport Pictures
Daddy and Nanny watched in disbelief from the other room. Daddy let his head fall into his open hands as he listened to his wife talking.
Nanny was shocked, too. She felt guilty for laying the doll next to her little Amelia in bed while she slept. It had scared her so much that she fell out of the bed when she woke up.
Daddy was thinking about the beating he’d given her. It was so obvious now.
Why hadn’t he asked her about the bell last night? It had seemed so odd to him at the time, but he didn’t ask, he just punished.
She’d taken her punishment and had hardly cried. She was probably just relieved to be away from the doll.
The doctor joined them. “You saw?”
They nodded.
“The child was obviously extremely neglected in her younger years, but she doesn’t have any of the problems that her family was worried about. She was very kind and caring to the teddy bear. This is a very clear case of pediophobia, or fear of dolls.
“I can already tell you that despite the neglect as a child she if well balanced. They don’t have to fear being murdered in the night. I personally recommend just getting rid of the doll and buying her a teddy bear.
“Her adopted family seems to have lucked out with her even. She was so worried about making that happy that she tolerated the doll. That says a lot. They don’t have to send her back as feared. The other thing that worried me was when she said; the doll could see everything and knows all the secrets. That was a little odd, but otherwise she seems fine. A therapy might do her good. The parents can decide after they watch the video.”
Brian jumped to his feet. “Thank you so much for coming right away. Her family was just so worried that they couldn’t sleep at night anymore.”
“I was glad to help, Brian. Call me anytime.” The psychologist left then.
Daddy and Nanny watched Amelia play with the stuffed animals for a little while.
“She looks so happy. How can she after what I did to her?” Brian felt so bad for hurting her when he should have helped her.
He’d been afraid that she could hurt him. In truth it was always him hurting her.
He got up and went to her.
She hadn’t told the psychologist anything about her life now. He’d believed the story of her being in an adoptive family.
He’d told him that she was sixteen, lying to cover the truth up.
The truth about what he was doing to her.
***
Daddy was coming in.
I raced to pick the doll up from the floor.
Daddy looked sad. He was disappointed in me.
I hung my head.
He took the doll out of my hands, and I wiped my fingers on my dress to get rid of the feel of it.
“Amelia, sit down on one of the little chairs. Then I can look at your head.” He pushed my hair this way and that until he found the stitches that I’d gotten from when I’d passed out a couple of weeks ago.
“This looks really good. You’ve been really good about not scratching.” He sat down in another little chair.
I had a feeling like he had to do that often.
“The other doctor told me you’re afraid of dolls. Is that true, sweetheart?”
I shrugged my shoulders and kept my head down.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrugged my shoulders again.
“I’m really sorry about everything. I’m so sorry, Amelia.” He laid a hand on my knee, in a reassuring way.
I was trying so hard not to cry that I was shaking and not breathing.
He jumped to his feet and wrapped his arms around me and held me for a bit. He still had the doll in his hands.
I had to breathe in, and I did so loudly.
“Hush, sweetheart. I’m here. Say, I have an idea. I think your doll would like to stay here with the other dolls. But then I’d need to replace the gift I gave you.”
“You don’t have to buy me anything. It’s too much. You’ve already given me so much. If you give me anything more, then I’ll end up being like Cindy.”
He laughed and laid the doll to the others. “I want to buy you a teddy bear.”
“No, thank you. I want to go home now.” I felt brokenhearted. This was all too much for me. I felt really bad about myself.
“Sure, whatever you want, sweetheart.” He got up and went to his desk. I cleaned away the toys I’d gotten out.
We had a late supper at home, and then we went to bed. Everyone was very quiet.
I was terribly embarrassed. I hoped we could just forget the last twenty-four hours all together. I felt the need to have a good cry.
Daddy put me to bed in his bed. He didn’t say much to me, either.
I’d disappointed him so much. My heart felt like it was breaking.
He lay down on his half and went to sleep.
I was awake for hours. Once I was positive that he was asleep, I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, I saw Nanny was busy organizing the things I’d be taking with to Austria. She even had a couple of servants helping her. The door to my room had been left open.
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I went into Daddy’s bathroom to go before I went into my room. The servants were packing the things that Nanny wanted them to.
I stood in the door not saying anything. I just watched and waited for Nanny to see me.
I knew that Daddy wanted to buy lots of clothes for me there, so I didn’t really understand the need to take so much along.
“Amelia, you’re awake.” Nanny was smiling and in a good mood. “We’re almost finished here. Once we are, you need to get your passport.”
I nodded. I was still feeling very sad.
Nanny and the servants quickly finished. I noticed that they looked over at me a lot. They were curious about me, the wife with a little girl room.
They left, and I went forward to Nanny. She helped me out of my pajamas. She was pretending not to look at my back, but I could tell that she was. I hoped she kept that in mind as she packed. I didn’t want to do anything to embarrass myself.
She talked happily the entire time she got me ready.
When I was finished, she brought me down to breakfast. I wasn’t that hungry, but I forced some food down.
I was surprised when Daddy came in the door. He helped me with my chair and ushered me out of the door. He opened the door to his car for me. We were taking his car and not the limousine.
I looked out of the window as he drove. I was really surprised that he was here at all, in the middle of the day like this.
Was he home for the day, or would he go back to work?
I really didn’t know what to say to him.
He parked and ran around to let me out. This probably looked like he was trying to be nice, but I knew he was doing it so I couldn’t get away.
He locked his car with the remote control on his key and took me by my hand and led me into the courthouse building.
Daddy seemed to know where we were going. He even nodded at several people on the way to the right room. He stopped and knocked on a door.
“Come in,” a voice called out.
He opened the door after giving me a look. The look could be compared with the warning spanking he’d given me before his friend came.
“Hello, Carol.” He gave her a brilliant smile. “This is my wife, Amelia.” He gave me another you better behave look.
“How do you do,” I practically whispered.
“It’s really nice to meet you too. Brian, I have everything right here for you two. We just need the pictures. Why don’t you sit down right here, and I’ll take your picture first.” She beamed at him.
My mood was finally brightening up. She was trying to hit on him. She had no idea what his type was.
I stood off to the side and enjoyed the show.
She kept bending forward so he could look into her blouse.
It was getting harder and harder not to smirk.
She had both her hands on his face and was tilting it this way and that.
His eyebrow raised, and he tried to look over at me. I looked away, so he couldn’t see how I was reacting.
She took several pictures of him. They went to a computer and picked out the one he liked best. She, of course, liked them all.
It was my turn next.
I sat down and looked into camera, and she took one picture. She wanted to start in printing right away.
Daddy looked a little worried he went over to the computer again. “The picture of you was really nice, Amelia.”
Carol didn’t look too pleased. She did this and that, and we had to sign our names. This was the first time I signed with my new name.
Daddy was smiling with pride. He liked that I was his.
Signing my name was always a terrible moment for me because of my handwriting, but it was okay. Maybe the practicing with Nanny was paying off.
“You can pick everything up tomorrow,” Carol said as she stared only at Daddy.
“Do we both need to come?” he asked.
“No it’s enough when you come.”
“Thanks, Carol.”
She waved her hand in the air. “Nonsense. I was glad to help.” She was probably thinking that she’d have him all to herself tomorrow.
I wasn’t worried. She could even show up in one of my school uniforms, and he wouldn’t notice her.
He’d meant it when he said that he’d be faithful to me. He didn’t even look at other women.
Daddy had what he wanted, me.
I stepped forward to her and thanked her for everything that she was doing for us. I gave her a big smile and stepped to the side so Daddy could say goodbye.
He eyed me as we were leaving. “That went faster than I thought. Do you want to slip in there and get some ice cream?” He pointed to an old fashion ice cream parlor.
“Yes, please.”
He opened the door for me, and we went in. Again everyone seemed to know him. He nodded at a few people, and everyone stared at me. This was a small town, even if it was so close to New York. Daddy was a local celebrity. He was ignoring it as best as he could.
“What would you like, sweetheart?”
“Can I have a hot fudge sundae?” I asked him.
“Whatever you want, sweetheart,” he said without looking at me. “I’ll have a butterscotch sundae, and the little lady will have a hot fudge sundae.” He pulled out his wallet and paid.
I felt bad that he was paying for me. I wished I’d had the option in life to be able to pay for something by myself. I wondered what it would feel like to not have to feel thankful for every little thing.
I felt so ashamed of myself.
My father had been right. I should have looked for a job around school. I should have looked for a place to stay. Why hadn’t I?
I hadn’t really expected my father to jump up when I walked in that day. Why did I spend my hard earned money on a train ticket home? I should have put that money towards rent.
I pulled myself together before Daddy could see how unhappy I was. He carried our ice cream to a table and set the dishes down.
I sat knowing that he wouldn’t sit until I had. He smiled at me as he did.
I knew everyone was watching us. I wasn’t certain I was supposed to act. I focused on my ice cream. I picked up my spoon and took a bite.
“This is really good.” It was much better than the ice cream we’d gotten at school. I took another bite.
“Want to try some of mine?” He put a bit of ice cream on his spoon and held it out to me.
I felt a little unsure, but then I took a bite. “Mine is better. Do you want to try?” I smiled at him.
“Sure.” He had a huge smile on his face, reacting to my smile.
I got him a spoonful and reached across the table to him. “That’s really good fudge, but I like mine better too.” I had a feeling that he was teasing me.
“I’m surprised you have time for me today. Don’t you have to hurry back to work?”
“My replacement is there. I showed him everything pretty much already. He’s up to it.”
He looked off a bit and then focused on me again. “But I have to work all day tomorrow and on Friday. But I’ll be there from then on, two weeks long. Just us. How does that sound?”
I blushed a little.
Daddy laughed. He was already finished with his ice cream. He looked ready to go.
I started eating a little faster. When I was finished, he took my plastic bowl and threw it away along with his.
I got up, and he took my hand again.
He seemed to have relaxed a little. He was less worried that I’d wonder off, to put it mildly.
Daddy opened the door of his car for me and waited until my dress and I were properly in the car, and then he closed the door. He hurried around, while he kept his eye on me. He had his finger on his key ready to lock.
I kind of felt sorry for him.
He had a wife where he could never know if she’d run away from him.
If I wasn’t that wife and knew the whole truth, then I’d pity him. But instead, I pitied myself.
&nbs
p; He brought me home and locked up our passports in his desk drawer. I stood next to his desk and waited for what would come next.
He turned to me and stared down at me. He looked like wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words.
I just looked up at him and wondered how he could be so brown when he was always working. When was he outside long enough to get a tan?
I looked at him more closely and decided that he’d been darker when we first met.
This life wasn’t healthy for him either. He needed to get out more.
We both did.
Chapter 7 – Concentrate
Brian stared down at his little wife and wondered, once again, how long this was going to last.
She was like sand slipping through his fingers. He was visualizing himself holding sand in his fist. If he never relaxed, then she couldn’t get away.
She was pretending to care about him. He felt it deep in his heart. That feeling brought so many secondary feelings with it.
In one moment, he wanted to beat on her and warn her not to even think about running away. In another he wanted to beg her to stay, and he wanted to truly open his heart up to her.
But he couldn’t survive a refusal. Maybe if he did nothing and said nothing, she could learn to love him?
He thought about the saying; the one about letting love go, and if it returns, then it was true love.
Would she come back if she didn’t have to?
Why was this all so difficult?
Why was this feeling coming out so strongly, right now?
It was because of that woman. Why would she hit on him, right in front of his wife?
That wasn’t really the question that was going through his mind the real problem was, why didn’t Amelia care?
He’d tried to catch her eye. She just hadn’t cared. In fact, she seemed to think that it was funny.
Now she was standing in front of him looking so innocent.
Was this a show?
He longed to reach out to her, but he was so unsure.
She was his wife, but was she his?
Could he forgive someone who had done all the things that he’d done her if they had been done to him?
