by Rachel Burns
Nanny should work for the CIA or whichever department worked in torture. It was really her calling. “Say, yes, Nanny.”
I wasn’t going to give in that easily. She smacked again, and I thought about the baby, my baby. I quit listening to Nanny. Heat was building in my face. Blood was rushing there too because of the odd position I was in. My head hurt from where she had hit me upside my head.
Still, I felt somehow above all of this and above her. I felt like I was better than she was, because I knew that this was wrong.
She was still babbling and hitting. Eventually, I would pass out, or give in, or she would get tired.
This was already the longest spanking she had ever inflicted on me. Normally, I would be a sobbing mess by now.
The numbness I was feeling, was starting to scare me. I needed to feed my baby. She would be crying wherever she was.
Nanny stopped again, but she was still talking. She was even yelling out my name. My hands were still on my head. I didn’t know what she wanted, and I didn’t care, a first for me in this position.
I just wanted my Sarah. I worried about where she was and who was with her.
She pulled me to her and looked me in my eyes. I wasn’t sure what she was looking for, but I had a feeling she didn’t find it. She had stopped talking. She held the paddle out to me to put away. That woman had nerve.
I had to think of what she had put me through since we had met, beating on me because I couldn’t write nice, touching and washing me, and scolding me that it was normal when I bulked at the things happening to me and her breaking my fingers.
This woman was no saint. She wasn’t perfect, and she had no right to judge me or punish me.
I had depended on her and needed her. She’d used that against me at every turn. This woman didn’t truly care for me.
Brian had been stupid enough to pay her for the last seven months and now that I was back she had to actually do something to earn her money. Poor Nanny, I thought sarcastically.
She dropped the paddle to the floor and hugged me. She was crying. “My precious, Amelia, I’m so glad you are all right. You scared Nanny terribly. Don’t ever do that to me again,” she scolded me, shaking me a little.
At first, I sat there perfectly straight. I let her hug my lifeless form. Then everything bubbled up in me. “He took my baby. Is she all right? Will he hurt her too?” I was sobbing the way she wanted me to now.
“Hush, she’s here. She’s fine. He doesn’t want you to see her. He is so very mad at you. You have to be perfectly good now if you ever want to see her again. Do you understand?”
I understood. He wasn’t going to let me see her again. I couldn’t be as perfect as he wanted me to be. I felt my heart breaking. I hadn’t been able to save Sarah.
When Sarah was a little older, he would do to her what he had done to me. I felt so sad. Was there no way I could protect my child?
I would die trying, but my attempts would be so futile that it would hardly pay for me to try. I had to protect her from him somehow, but I didn’t know how.
I got up and went to the corner and let my body fall to the floor. I was thinking as hard as I could.
I heard Nanny cleaning up. I thought of different scenarios, but he was just too sick. He probably couldn’t stop himself. I either had to kill him and go to jail, or get out of here again and divorce him and tell the whole truth.
I’d had that chance, and I had blown it.
That only left murder.
I couldn’t kill him for three reasons. One, he was too strong for me. Two, I couldn’t get out of here to get my hands on rat poison or whatever, and three, I couldn’t kill him. On some level, I felt sorry for him, and I loved him. I needed to take care of him too.
I couldn’t make everyone happy, not even if I forgot that I was someone too.
“Amelia, come here. Come to Nanny.” She was talking to me like I was a wild animal in need of taming.
I looked to see what she wanted. She had gotten the hot wax out again. I got up and went to her. I sat down on the chair without wincing. I was numb to the pain. The pain in my heart was greater, my need to see my daughter all-consuming.
I looked at Nanny waiting. This wasn’t worth a fight. I raised my arm up in the air like I did every month when we did this. Brian had looked so disgusted with me before. He wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me until I was completely clean. I needed to beg him to let me see the baby. He had to understand that she needed me too.
After we were finished, Nanny helped me into the shower. I was still too busy thinking of a sure fire way to see my child that I was ignoring Nanny, but I couldn’t think of anything.
“Amelia?”
I looked at Nanny. She was staring at my breasts. They were leaking milk. That often happened in the shower.
“Are you breast-feeding the baby?” She made it sound like a terrible crime.
I nodded and continued to think. She had me all cleaned up and smelling like I usually did. She put a nightgown on me and laid me in bed. My breasts were still dripping milk.
Nanny left the room. I could only guess that it was nap time.
Brian came in couple of minutes later. He sat on the bed and pulled my blankets back. He moved me, so I was sitting up.
Brian unbuttoned the top of my gown and moved it, so he could see a breast. It was still leaking rather steadily. He lifted it in his hand.
I winced then and pushed him away.
He shook his head at me before he pulled his arm back and slapped me.
My body leaned sideways from the blow. He pulled me back and held me tight with his left arm and hand. I had tears in my eyes, but I didn’t make a noise otherwise.
He left then.
I laid down on my right side and tried to stop the room from spinning.
Nanny came in five minutes later. She wiped my hair out of my face. “Oh my god, Amelia. He hit you?” She sat on the bed and held my hand.
I wanted to say something mean, like she shouldn’t be so upset. Hadn’t she just done worse to my bottom? Why was this so shocking just because everyone would see it?
I didn’t say what was going through my head, and I didn’t move. The only thing that could have woken me from that trance would have been if my beautiful baby had shown up.
Brian came in a bit later. “Have her sit up, Nanny.” He was unpacking some medicine.
Nanny moved me up to sitting.
Brian squatted down in front of me. “Daddy needs you take these little tiny pills. Look how small they are. Do you see?” He used his soft doctor’s voice, but today it wasn’t working.
I just looked at him. The life in me had been sucked out. It went with the baby, and she still had it.
He could chalk this all up to me being crazy. Yes, he would do that, telling himself that I was the problem not him.
This whole life just didn’t make the same impression on me anymore. I wasn’t as afraid of him as I used to be.
That wasn’t quite right, I was still afraid, I just wasn’t as eager to please.
He looked at Nanny who was sitting behind me. He then looked back at me. “Amelia, these will make the milk go away. They will make you all better.” He took my hand and laid the pill in it.
I threw it over to my study area. It was tiny maybe he wouldn’t find it again. I needed to remain important to Sarah.
He slapped me again.
I didn’t care. I was still in a trance on the outside, but on the inside I was ranting at him about how hard it is to breastfeed a baby and then to just stop because it didn’t fit my sicko of a husband’s idea of what his little girl wife should be like was just wrong.
He got a glass of water. He took another pill out of the foil and looked at me again. “I’m sorry we have to do things this way, but you really aren’t leaving me another choice.” He leaned in on me and stuffed the pill in my mouth, and then he poured the water in.
I choked and gagged. He held his hand over my mouth, so
I couldn’t spit the pill back out. I had to swallow.
I bawled when he removed his hand. This was the reason that the baby needed me. He was taking that away from me. I drew my knees up and cried on them with my arms wrapped around myself.
“Nanny, leave us!” he demanded. He was so mad. He wasn’t going to try to hide it anymore.
“Yes, sir.” I heard her unlock the door to her bedroom then close and lock it again.
He sat down on the bed. He was quiet a long time while I bawled brokenheartedly.
“Are you finished?” he asked, after I had cried myself out.
Again I didn’t answer. I had stopped crying, which was answer enough.
“What you did was just so terrible. Can you understand that? You leave me with no other choice but to punish you. You forced me into this.” He sounded like he was sorry. Sorry that he had to hurt me.
He was so sick. He lived in his own world. The problem was he wanted to drag me down into his world with him.
“Tell me what I have to do to see my baby?” I begged.
“You want to see your baby? Really? You dare to ask that? You kept her from me. Now I am going to do the same with you. You don’t get to see her again. You blew any chance of that when you ran. I thought that I made it clear that you belong with me and nowhere else.” He grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me. He raised me up and turned me, so I was facing him. “Who else were you with in all that time, Amelia?”
He was worried that I hadn’t been faithful? I couldn’t believe it. We had so many problems and that was what was going through his mind? I shook my head.
“Tell me, or I swear to god, I will kill you,” he threatened me. The look in his eyes told me he had gone mad.
“No one.” I looked him in the eyes hoping that he would know that he could believe me.
“You expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true.”
“Believe me, I want to, but it’s so hard to believe. I will never be able to trust you again.”
Surprisingly, he kissed me then. It was a passionate kiss that left me breathless. His hands were on my back tugging at my nightgown, lifting it up. He removed it and then his own clothes. I was somehow mesmerized looking at him.
I loved him with all of my heart. He needed to understand that, but he also needed to understand about a mother’s love for her child. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for my Sarah. I had even given up him for her. That was the ultimate sign of my love.
I just wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be all right. I wanted to give in and make love with him, but I couldn’t, I needed to know what was happening to my baby. “Who’s with the baby?”
“Her nanny. She has her own now.”
“A real nanny?” I asked wanting to make sure.
“Yes, one extra for babies,” he answered me between kisses.
“Okay.” I gave into the potent magic that had once been our love. This moment wasn’t real. It was a memory from the past that was visiting us now.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he rolled me on my back. The warm burn from Nanny’s paddling was noticeable but not uncomfortable. My legs opened, still lost in the memory of loving encounters from bygone days.
He held me pinned under him as he thrust into me with all of his lust, need and anger. Each thrust sent a jolt through my body, pushing me towards my headboard.
A moment before my head would have hit the headboard, he pulled me to the side of my bed and knelt on the floor and thrust from that position. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to hurt me or not. It felt good, but it was right on the edge of something else, something that could change direction at anytime.
I was relieved when he finished, and he lay on top of me, breathing heavily.
“You never get to see her, never.” He pulled out, gathered his things and left my room.
I was left with that feeling; the feeling that I so hated.
A voice in the back of my head was whispering to me that I wasn’t as good as other people were, that I had less worth, and that I deserved this hate I was receiving here.
Chapter 3 – Pushing Him As Far As I Can
Brian let his head drop into his hands. What had he just done? He hadn’t wanted to sleep with her. He had needed to show her that they couldn’t just pick up where they left off. Instead, he did the opposite. That was exactly what he didn’t want to happen.
Brian had seen the fear in her eyes as he took her so roughly. He had wanted to see love and longing in those eyes, like before.
He shouldn’t have slept with her because of the baby too. Three months was the normal time to wait before resuming intercourse. He seemed to be giving her more and more reasons to hate him.
Brian wanted her to love him so badly, but it was so hard to look at her and not think about what she had put him through. It broke his heart that he wasn’t important to her.
He had worried about her so much, imagining that terrible things were being done to her, feeling so helpless because he couldn’t help her. And the whole time she was with that family, a family that had already gone to the police to report her missing.
It was odd that they didn’t know her last name, neither his nor her father’s.
Jake was going to talk to them and find out what they knew. He wanted to talk to Amelia first. Brian had convinced him to give them a couple of days to talk between themselves.
Did they have anything to say to each other? Amelia didn’t appear to.
He could hear her crying on the other side of the door. His heart longed for him to go to her and hold her. But she wasn’t crying for him. She wanted her baby.
He hoped the results would come tomorrow. Brian needed to know. He didn’t want to get attached to the child just to be disappointed again.
His emotions were wreaking havoc inside of his heart. He wanted to beat her and get her to say why she had left. And he wanted to hold her and beg her to never leave him again.
He decided to go and talk to Nanny. Before he left his room, he laid the horsewhip on the bed. He wanted it to be handy in case he needed it.
If she had been unfaithful, then he would use it. He wouldn’t let her make a fool out of him again.
***
I was crying for Sarah. I needed to see her. I felt a little feverish. My breasts were heavy and painful. I rolled to my side, trying to relieve some of the pressure.
Brian had been so mad as he took me. He would never forgive me. He said so himself.
The words never went through my head, ringing so loud and true. I had kept Sarah from him. Now he was doing the same, an eye for an eye.
I could see the path that my life was going to take. He would be mad at me, never forgiving or understanding, and I would never see my child again.
A burnt bridge could never be crossed.
He wouldn’t send me to school or let me go out anywhere. I would stay in this room until I died. I wished that I were older and closer to death. I was giving up. There was no more fight in me.
I would be really bad, so he would kill me. I just had to push him, and then push him even further. I could do that. I knew what made him the maddest.
I pulled my knees into my chest and cried myself to sleep. My precious little baby would have to grow up without a mother. She would only have a Daddy.
I sobbed until my headache got worse. I got up and went into the bathroom. I washed my sore face careful not to look into the mirror. I guessed I didn’t look pretty anymore.
I couldn’t resist a peek at myself. My cheek was only slightly bruised. It was a light green color. I was relieved about that. It was clear that I was hit, but it wasn’t as bad as it felt.
I knocked on Nanny’s door to see if she would come.
The door opened right away, and Brian came in. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. “What do you want?” he huffed.
“I have a headache.” I pointed to my head like he didn’t know where my head was. Was I tr
ying to act like a little kid again?
He sighed. I sure was annoying him today. “Go back to bed.”
“Yes, Brian.” I turned to go.
“What did you call me?” he asked.
I stopped dead in my tracks, a cold shiver went down my spine, and my limbs felt heavier than usual. It had just slipped out. I had thought of him as Daddy the entire time, even though everyone insisted that I call him by his given name. I never did, but now it easily passed over my lips.
I stood still. I had wanted him to kill me, but now that it was time, I was afraid that I would chicken out.
He roughly grabbed me by my hair and pulled my head back. “What did you call me?” He said each word slowly, very carefully pronouncing each syllable, tugging my hair harder.
I closed my eyes and only thought about my baby. I loved you so much, Sarah. I pictured my words floating away from me and towards her, wherever she was. I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I called you Brian; because that is your name.”
He shoved me forward through my closet and into my bedroom. He was right behind me grabbing me again. “You little beast. You are really pushing it today. I thought you would have been all I’m sorry, and I’ll never do it again but no, you just keep pushing and pushing.” He grabbed me by my hair again and pulled me up to his chest.
I balled my hands into fists trying not to touch him anymore than necessary. He stared into my eyes again, saying nothing.
He pushed me into his bedroom. The horsewhip, which he knew I feared above all else, was laid out on his bed.
He looked at me triumphantly, but then his grin faded into a sad frown. I didn’t look as scared as he wanted me to. This was what I wanted. He would kill me now, and then I could become Sarah’s guardian angel. I really liked the thought of that.
“Take off your nightgown,” he demanded. He was testing me.
I wanted to reach down and grab the hem, automatically obeying him; but that would appear too eager, and this was something to fight about. I had to get him raving mad at me. He had to lose all of his self-control first before he started hitting me. If he held me just right, I couldn’t fight him and that would make things worse.
