by Rachel Burns
I darted away from him and leaned back against the wall. “No.”
“No?” he repeated and in a way that told me that he thought my fighting him was useless.
He picked up the horsewhip. He walked over to me very slowly, looking like he was enjoying himself.
I laid my hands flat against the wall behind me and prayed that this could go quickly. Finally, I would get to go and see my mother. Maybe she would like me.
He lashed at my front, getting me on the side of my backside. My knee came up, and my hands move to protect my face.
My body jerked when he hit me. It stung so.
I didn’t feel any closer to dying than before he started. He would beat me, and I would heal. He would do it again over and over, just like a broken record.
No! I couldn’t let that happen. I deserved to die. I had to get him even madder.
I charged at him. “You sick bastard, leave me alone.” I actually pushed him down.
He lay on the floor surprised that I had fought back.
“Marshmallow.” He was the kind that could dish it out, but he couldn’t take it.
I ran to the door and tried to open it. It wasn’t locked. I was in the hall. I ran from room to room as quickly as I could, looking for my baby.
He grabbed me from behind. He was pulling me back to his room. I screamed for what I was worth. I screamed for my daughter. “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.”
He threw me in his room. I landed on the hard wooden floor. I crawled away from him as he turned to lock the door. My basic instincts to survive were kicking in, unfortunately.
He turned on me. I had achieved my goal. He wanted to kill me now. He bent down to me, lifting me back into his arms. I tried to fight him so he would put me down.
He tossed me on the bed. Then he ripped my pajamas off of me. It took him many rips to accomplish this task. He was wasting his energy killing my gown when that energy should be invested in killing me.
He picked up his whip and brought it down on me. My hands moved forward of their own will, bravely trying to save the rest of my body by taking all the pain themselves.
He tried to whip me again, but my hands kept on trying to catch the whip. He couldn’t land a blow.
After a couple of attempts, he flipped me over and whipped me three times. I bit into the comforter so I wouldn’t scream.
He had to think that I could take so much more than I really could, or he would stop too soon, but I had forgotten how much this stung. I wished that the numbness I had felt during the paddling would return.
He stopped again. That was too early. He hadn’t even whipped me five times. No, I was still alive. He had to continue. I wanted to sit up and demand a proper beating.
Since when had he gone softhearted? He sat down on the bed again. His hands grabbed me under my arms, pulling me over his lap. He positioned me the way he wanted me over his knee. He had his foot on his footstool.
I felt a hard smack. He was aiming low. He knew where it hurt me most. I sniffled over his knees, disappointed that this wouldn’t kill me. He spanked on and on, and I was about to promise to never to leave him again when I realized that the opposite was true, and it would get him even madder.
“The first chance I get, I will run again. I hate you.” I screamed at him as loudly as I could, which only came out as a hoarse whisper.
He smacked me even harder and harder. His breathing was really labored. Maybe he would have a heart attack and die. Then I could have my little baby all to myself.
He rolled me off of him and got up. He was removing his pants.
I watched him walk over to the chair and lay his things on it neatly before he came back to me. He rolled me on my stomach. He raised my bottom up to him and entered me again.
My face was in the blankets, and my hair spilled all around me. My face was so hot, and I wasn’t getting enough air.
I bit into the blanket and willed myself not to breathe as he thrust into me. My hands gripped into the blanket. I was fighting my need to breathe with all of my strength.
Chapter 4 – Paternity Test
Brian looked at his wife slumping into the blankets in a very unnatural way. He pulled out of her and moved her face, so she was getting more air. She had passed out.
He had a feeling that she had held her breath until she passed out. She was being very childish today.
He moved her lifeless body and waited for her to wake up. When she did, he would ask her everything that his mind needed to know, so it could once again find peace.
He covered her up and lay down next to her, deciding that he would take a moment to pretend. He would pretend that she had never left, and that they were both so incredibly happy with each other. Their daughter was sleeping in the nursery, and they had just made love before falling asleep.
His arm wrapped around her body and moved in close to keep her warm. This was all he wanted all of these months, this feeling of peace and acceptance.
Tomorrow, when they woke up, all of their problems would be right there waiting for them. But for now, it was just the two of them lying in their bed together, husband and wife.
The marital bed was supposed to be sacred. He had believed that before. It even had been. Things had just changed.
She couldn’t have been acting all the time, could she?
Perhaps she loved him a little and that love could be rekindled.
***
I was in his bed. I wasn’t dead. It had all been for nothing. He had barely hurt me. I had just received a sound spanking.
I couldn’t depend on him to kill me. It was wrong of me to push the job off on someone else. I would have to do it myself. I had tried starving myself before, but that required a self-discipline that I didn’t have.
I was already hungry. Angela had been feeding me three big meals a day, and we snacked on things at the bakery too.
What I needed was a sharp knife. How long had I been here already? Maybe if I asked, if he was going to kill me?
My will to fight him was leaving me. In truth, I just wanted him to hold me and tell me he loved our baby and me, and that he would never hurt her.
I sobbed again. I was shaking and drooling into the pillow.
He laid his hand on my shoulder. I moved my hand and laid it over his as I cried.
He didn’t say anything. Did he even understand the concept of heart pain? How much it hurt me?
I settled down after a while, and we still stayed that way for bit. Outside the sun was coming up. I had gone yet another day without my baby. How long had I been here?
It seemed like such a long time already.
“Why did you leave, Amelia?”
“Because I was pregnant.” I had to learn to lie to him. Why was I always so damn honest?
Had I ever really lied to him? I couldn’t think of a time when I had.
“What did that have to do with it?”
“Everything.” I was finished talking. I slowly got up and went to my bathroom. I closed all the doors between us, which were three doors.
I looked through the drawers. Maybe I could find something that I could kill myself with in here. I could tie clothes together to make a noose and jumped out of the window. Forget the noose, I would just jump out of the window, if I didn’t die, maybe I could run for it.
I could go to the police. They could help me get Sarah back. But I was penniless.
They wouldn’t give me the baby. He could afford lawyers that would twist everything that I said so it sounded like I was unfit. That probably wouldn’t be too difficult.
“Amelia, what are you looking for.” Brian had come in, and he was leaning against the doorframe, watching me.
“I still have a headache.”
“I’ll take care of that. You just need some water.”
I nodded at him. He held out his hand to me. I stepped away from him again and shook my head no.
“And why not? Daddy can’t make you better if you don’t come to me.” He was still being
very patient with me.
“You’re not my daddy. You are my husband, and I want a divorce.” I had done the two worst things that I could, practically in one breath. How stubborn was I?
I already had the plan with the window. Why was I doing this to myself? I could have at least waited until my bottom was healed up.
He grabbed me and pulled me close again. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words. Instead, he shoved me into his room by giving me a little push again and again.
He went into his closet and came back out with the horsewhip. He pushed me to the wall. “I want you to stay right here. Don’t move, no matter what. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Brian.”
He laid a hand on my shoulder, and his fingernails dug into my skin. His eyes closed and guessed he was trying to calm himself down. He let go and stood back. The whip sliced through the air.
One, I counted in my head. Two, three, my breathing was coming in short gasps. Four, five, my legs wouldn’t be able to support me much longer. Six, was he finished? Please god let him be finished. Seven, I was shaking something terrible. Eight, he stopped.
“Amelia!” he yelled at me. Had he already tried to call me?
I bobbed my head twice to show that I was listening. I pressed my forehead into the wall.
“Who am I to you?”
I took a couple of gasps of breath. “My husband,” I answered him.
“Do you still want a divorce?” he asked.
Oh God please come and get me now. I nodded again.
He whipped two times quickly, one after the other.
“And now?” He sounded like he was in a good mood, like this was great fun to him.
I ignored him. He didn’t want to hear the truth. The truth was that I hated him, and I feared what he would do to our daughter. I had risked everything to save her, and it didn’t even work. It was all for nothing.
I hung my head and wept for her and not for me. She taught me to think of others first. She taught me to take pain and to bear it for the sake of others. Sarah was the best thing that ever happened to me, and now she wouldn’t ever know me.
I had done everything for her, and it was all for nothing. He would even get her all to himself. The only noise in the room was my quiet sniffles that I was trying so hard to repress. I tried to be as silent as I could.
I wanted to ask him what he would have said it I had come to him and told him that I was expecting. I was about to open my mouth and ask when I heard him opening his pants again. My heart sank like a heavy stone in my body. He adjusted me and entered me.
He continued to spank me with his body, pushing mine into the wall. I moved my hands, those martyrs, to save my head from getting knocked into the wall every time his body pushed forward into me.
His hands came forward to my wet breasts. He grasped at them and pinched them painfully.
I was reduced to tears. What he couldn’t achieve with a beating he managed with sex.
He finished quickly. I got the feeling that he was starved for it. Had he been faithful?
He came holding me tightly and not moving. After he pulled out, he grabbed my face and pulled me back towards him. “Do you still want a divorce?”
Again I didn’t answer.
He went to the door and left. This time he didn’t forget to lock the door.
I got up and tried to follow him out. A part of me, a big part wanted him to know what I was up to. I wanted him to know that I couldn’t take this anymore.
This whole life had become something that felt like it was spinning out of control. I wanted to share my problems with him and tell him how much I loved him, but still I felt a terrible need to leave this world.
I broke down in self-pity and cried on the floor. Things were backfiring. I no longer had control over anything.
Chapter 5 – Facing Facts
Brian figured that if she wanted to go, he would have to let her. He had so much money that it didn’t matter.
She could have anything she wanted, but not the child. If the child were his, then he would keep her. He would spoil her and love her until one day when she would grow up and see that he wasn’t normal. Then she would leave him too.
It was his destiny to be alone, with no one.
He had a business meeting this afternoon with none other than the infamous James Anderson, Amelia’s father. The good thing was that he wouldn’t ask to see her. The bruise on her cheek was very obvious, marring her perfect face.
Brian had never hit her like that before. She hadn’t even looked surprised. There was no use in punishing her. It used to work but now it just made him look ridiculous. He couldn’t beat her for not wanting him anymore.
Hadn’t her disappearance been clear enough? It was time he took the hint.
Their marriage was over. He just had to face facts.
In his office, he got the papers that he needed ready. He wanted James to leave a soon as possible. Of course, he would have to offer him lunch.
Once James was gone, he would sit down and talk with Amelia. They would map out the best way to divorce and then to go on with their lives.
Brian would have to have his lawyer put some sort of a gag order in the contract. If Amelia told anyone about his specific needs, then she would have to go empty-handed.
Would she care about the money?
She had been living in a simple bakery, wearing cheep clothing. What had they given her that he hadn’t?
***
I woke up on the floor. Nanny was patting my cheek. “Amelia, wake up child. Please, wake up.” She was crying again.
I opened my eyes and reached for her face. “Nanny.”
“Yes, Nanny is here. I need you to get up off this cold floor. Can you do that for Nanny?”
I winced and shook my head.
“But you have to. Nanny can’t help you without hurting you or herself. Please child, try.”
“I have a child now too, Nanny. Her name is Sarah.”
“Yes, I know, Amelia, but you need to get up and get better, so you can see her.”
“He said never. I never get to see her. I asked him.” I rolled away from Nanny and sobbed on the floor.
“Why are you provoking him, child? He just might beat you to death yet.”
“I know.” That was the plan. Maybe next time, he would finally snap and really go at me. I just had to be brave, and then I got to be my baby’s guardian angel.
“Do you think God forgot to give me a guardian angel?” I asked her, as more tears spilled from my eyes. This was a question I had been asking myself all of my life. I might have gotten passed over because I had killed my mother.
Nanny was really crying now too. “Oh Amelia, please just be good. You always were before. You can do it again. Promise Nanny that you will be good from now on. Go on, promise Nanny.” She was willing me to answer her, but we just wanted opposite things.
“But if I die, I could be Sarah’s guardian angel. Then I would get to see her again. It would all work out so nicely.” I smiled at Nanny, hoping she would realize that it was a good thing.
“Child, no. Are you doing this on purpose so he will kill you?” She laid her hand over her mouth. She was shocked at my actions.
“But Nanny, you don’t understand. I have to be with her. She is my daughter. I love her so much; my father didn’t love me. I don’t want to live with her in the same house while she thinks that I don’t care about her. She needs to know how loved she is. She has to have it better than I did. This is the only way I can give my love to her.”
“Yes, child. I understand now. But you still have to get up off the cold floor.”
“Nanny, but I could get pneumonia.” I smiled at her.
“I’m sorry, Amelia, but I have to go get him if you won’t get up.”
I rolled away from her and sobbed. She didn’t understand. She was just pretending. It was all so fake.
She took a blanket from the bed and covered me up. She left to
tattle then.
Chapter 6 – Understanding Can Hurt
Nanny swallowed hard as she knocked on his office door, wondering how he would take this news. Would he beat her precious child? The truth was that she had figured that he would have punished her far more than he had, but perhaps he had noticed that Amelia was no longer right in the head.
“Come in,” he called out.
Nanny opened the door and stepped in and closed it behind her again. She turned to look at him, squaring her shoulders. This would be hard to confess. She didn’t want to say anything bad about her precious child.
Would he accuse her of lying, thinking that she was trying to trick him so he wouldn’t punish her anymore?
As she opened her mouth to speak, she saw that he wasn’t alone. He was in the middle of a business meeting. Amelia’s father was sitting right there. He looked at her surprised. Like he hadn’t expected to see her.
“Sir, I need a private word with you.”
“Nanny, as you can see now isn’t a good time.” He was mad at her, too. The school had been her idea. If Amelia wouldn’t have gone to school, then she never could have escaped.
“I understand. If you would please search me out when you are finished, I would really appreciate it.” She gave a slight bow and turned to leave.
“Tell me, Nanny, how is that daughter of mine?” James’s eyes were twinkling.
“She is causing me a bit of a problem at the moment, but I will try to get her under control.”
Amelia’s father leaned forward in his chair. “That means she is still here?” James looked at Brian surprised.
“Yes, where else would she be?” Brian wasn’t about to confess that he was having problems with her. “Do you want to see your grandchild?” He asked because he assumed that James would say no, and because it made it sound like Brian had everything under control. Like they were a perfect little family.
