Any Man
Page 13
Use your imagination.
EDWARD_DISPATCH: What am I looking at? What am I supposed to be seeing, Maude? Sorry but can you—
What isn’t she?
What space does she hold?
What do you think of her?
To whom does she belong?
What does she deserve?
What has she earned?
EDWARD_DISPATCH: I’m sorry, I don’t . . . I don’t know what you mean? Can I ask you some questions?
Shut the fuck up, I’m talking.
EDWARD_DISPATCH: Okay. Okay I’m listening.
I’m going to tell you some secrets. You like secrets don’t you, Edward?
EDWARD_DISPATCH: . . . Yes. I—I like information pertaining to secrets . . .
I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.
EDWARD_DISPATCH: Yes. Quiet now.
Good boy. I have some questions for you, Edward.
EDWARD_DISPATCH: . . . Should I answer them? . . .
No. You should think about them.
What color is she?
Is she a mirror?
Are you in her?
looking at another figure?
What could be better about her?
Why are her arms shaped like that?
Do her arms remind you of your mother?
Do your mother’s arms remind you of a daughter?
What do you want to do to her?
If you could do anything you wanted to, what would you do?
Play with her? Penalize her?
Hit her? Rape her?
Beat her? Cry on her? Cum on her?
Take her body away from her? Cut off her hair? Give her to your father? Give her to the government? Close her legs? Close her lungs? Burn her in public? Take away her children? Take away her abortion? Give her a miscarriage? Give her life? Would you cut off her clitoris? Cut off the parts of her face that don’t match? Ask her to cut off the parts of her face you don’t like? Cut out her carbohydrates? Inject her with something? Make her listen to something? Explain something to her? Show her how something is done? Indoctrinate her? Teach her? Fuck her? Make her white instead of brown? Make her black instead of yellow? Make her yellow instead of red? Make her eat her own red? Never let her talk about her blood in front of you? Does crying make you uncomfortable? Does talking make you uncomfortable? Does looking into eyes make you uncomfortable? Would you live with her? Share a house with her? Give her your last name? Treat her with respect? Cheat on her? Cheat on her with someone younger? Someone’s daughter? Would that not bother you? Lie to her? Curse at her? Call her good girl? Call her monster? Is she dishonest? Deceitful? Is she violent? Are you surprised? Can you trust her? What if you can’t trust her? How will you feel if you can’t trust her? How will you behave if you can’t trust her? What will you do if you can’t trust her? What does it say about you that she can’t be trusted? Is she awful? Is she awe-filled? Can she do it all? Does she have it all? Is she not good enough? Is she a coward? Is she beautiful? Can you have her? What if you can’t have her? How will you feel if you can’t have her? How will you behave if you can’t have her? What will you do if you can’t have her? What does it say about you that she can’t be had? Will you make her pay? Will there be consequences? Will there be a punishment? Will you let it slide? What if she’s ugly but you need to fuck? What if she smells but you need to fuck? What if she’s gay but you need to fuck? What if she changes her mind but you need to fuck? What if she’s a child but you need to fuck? What if she’s your child but you need to fuck? What if she’s in pain but you need to fuck? What if you’re married but you need to fuck? What if she lets people die? What if she likes war? What if she’s ungrateful and unkind about it? What if she asked for it? What if she runs for president?
How would you feel if she did the same things to you?
What if she wanted to play with you? Penalize you? Hit you? Rape you? Beat you? Cry on you? Cum on you? Take your body away from you? Cut off your hair? Give you to her father? Give you to the government? Close your legs? Close your lungs? Burn you in public? Take away your children? Take away your semen? Give you life? Would she cut off your penis? Cut off the parts of your face that don’t match? Ask you to cut off the parts of your face she doesn’t like? Cut out your carbohydrates? Inject you with something? Make you listen to something? Explain something to you? Show you how something is done? Indoctrinate you? Teach you? Fuck you? Make you white instead of brown? Make you black instead of yellow? Make you yellow instead of red? Make you eat her red? Never let you talk about blood in front of her? Does crying make you uncomfortable? Does talking make you uncomfortable? Does looking into eyes make you uncomfortable? Would she live with you? Share a house with you? Give you her last name? Treat you with respect? Cheat on you? Cheat on you with someone younger? Someone’s son? Would that not bother her? Lie to you? Curse at you? Call you good boy? Call you monster? Are you dishonest? Deceitful? Are you violent? Are you surprised? Can she trust him? What if she can’t trust him? How will she feel if she can’t trust him? How will she behave if she can’t trust him? What will she do if she can’t trust him? What does it say about her that he can’t be trusted? Are you awful? Are you awe-filled? Can you do it all? Do you have it all? Are you not good enough? Are you a coward? Is he beautiful? Can she have him? What if she can’t have him? How will she feel if she can’t have him? How will she behave if she can’t have him? What will she do if she can’t have him? What does it say about you that he can’t be had? Will you make him pay? Will there be consequences? Will there be a punishment? Will you let it slide? What if he’s ugly but you need to fuck? What if he smells but you need to fuck? What if he’s gay but you need to fuck? What if he changes his mind but you need to fuck? What if he’s a child but you need to fuck? What if he’s your child but you need to fuck? What if he’s in pain but you need to fuck? What if he’s married but you need to fuck? What if he lets people die? What if he likes war? What if he’s ungrateful and unkind about it? What if he asked for it? What if he runs for president?
XI
The sky above is disfigured with color as I reach the top of the subway stairs, where a homeless man asks me for change, his dog tied to a pole by a handkerchief. Poor dog. I have money on me, but I’d rather keep it. I don’t mind his suffering. I prefer it. It’s nice to be back after so much traveling abroad. Maybe I’ll walk a while and enjoy the crowded streets near Times Square and the billboards covered in the ghoulish portraits of television’s women. I’m in no hurry. I’ve got nowhere in particular to be. The fall is easing in and everyone’s traded cardigans for coats. This is my favorite time of year. When everything begins to die without choice. When the great mother begins her grand death-sentencing. But I am the greatest mother of all. And while I’m not a murderess, I do love a good ending to a man’s mind, especially if I’ve written it. It’s not revenge. It’s not payback. Nothing was done to me. It’s just something I like to do now and again.
I’ll make my way north up Broadway, toward Central Park. I’ve heard the benches are always filled with curious people. I’ve heard trees don’t cast shadows there anymore because the sun sets first over the buildings that surround them. I think that was in a poem I read once. When I get there, I’ll ask someone if it’s true. Any man will do.
Acknowledgments
I am writing this from the waiting room at a hospital where I’m about to get an MRI to see what I did to my lower back. Writing takes its toll. This book would not have been written without the support, love, and guidance from the following:
My literary agent Anthony Mattero. Thank you for your belief in me as a writer and your continued support.
My editor Laura Brown, for your bull’s-eye notes and your kindest of darts. What a joy it was to work on this with you. This book is ours.
Amy Baker at Harper Perennial, thank you for being this book’s guardian angel.
My finder, Cal
vert Morgan. Thank you for planting the seed.
Thank you Amanda Pelletier and Lily Lopate at Harper Perennial, and Alla Plotkin and ID-PR for their tireless work helping to birth this novel into the world.
Thank you to the eyes and hearts and healers who stayed open throughout the years it took to write this book: Emily Wells, April Jones, Ben Foster, Thomas Sadoski, Gideon Yago, Mish Way, Katie Jacobs, Derrick Brown, Dr. Mary Bayno, Lisa Love, Moussia Krinsky-Raskin, Janet Fitch, America Ferrera, Amy Poehler and Mindy Nettifee.
Thank you, Evan, for your voice over the phone and your eyes in person, when we can.
Thank you to the organizations which supported and aided my research: Jay Wu and the staff at the National Center for Transgender Equality, RAINN, and Professor Michele Dauber.
Thanks to the phenomenal men who voiced these stories for the audiobook: Ben Foster, John Roberts, Glenn Davis, Jason Ritter, Marc Maron, and my papa, Russ Tamblyn. I’m extremely grateful. Thank you, Suzanne Mitchell, for your care in producing this audiobook. Thank you, Barry Crimmins for having lived and having given all that you did.
This book is also dedicated to my mother, Bonnie, my fourth grade English teacher Laurel Schmidt, and my daughter, Marlow.
About the Author
AMBER TAMBLYN, author of the critically acclaimed poetry collection Dark Sparkler, has been nominated for Emmy, Golden Globe, and Independent Spirit awards. She has published two additional books of poetry, Free Stallion, winner of the Borders Book Choice Award for Breakout Writing, and Bang Ditto, an IndieNext bestseller. Tamblyn reviews books of poetry for Bust magazine, is poet in residence at Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls, and is a contributing writer for the New York Times. Her work has appeared in Glamour, Teen Vogue, the San Francisco Chronicle, Iowa Review, Poets & Writers, Pank magazine, and elsewhere. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and daughter.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Also by Amber Tamblyn
Poetry
Dark Sparkler
Bang Ditto
Free Stallion
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. References to real people, events, establishments, organizations, or locales are intended only to provide a sense of authenticity, and are used fictitiously. All other characters, and all incidents and dialogue, are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real.
ANY MAN. Copyright © 2018 by Amber Tamblyn. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
Cover design by Joanne O’Neill
Cover photographs © arborelza/iStock/Getty Images (texture); © Plush Studios/DH Kong/Getty Images (silhouette)
Digital Edition JUNE 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-268893-4
Version 06202018
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-268892-7 (pbk.)
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
Bay Adelaide Centre, East Tower
22 Adelaide Street West, 41st Floor
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
M5H 4E3
www.harpercollins.ca
India
HarperCollins India
A 75, Sector 57
Noida
Uttar Pradesh 201 301
www.harpercollins.co.in
New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers New Zealand
Unit D1, 63 Apollo Drive
Rosedale 0632
Auckland, New Zealand
www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF, UK
www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
195 Broadway
New York, NY 10007
www.harpercollins.com