Sublime Karma

by Peyton Garver

  Jake flashed a grin at Brie then looked back at the monitor in time to see the giggling girl look into the camera and push her silky blond hair out of her wide eyes with her little fingers.

  Leaning next to her at the patio table, her brother laughed. “Blow out the candles, Brie!”

  The girl inhaled deeply and in one breath extinguished all six.

  “All right, Branch, go get the big surprise.”

  When the boy ran off to retrieve her gift, she giggled again. “Daddy, his name is not Branch! It’s Leif!” Her little fingers reached for the camera. “Let me, Daddy. I’ll record you and Mommy.”

  The camera jerked around before focusing on her father. Brie’s mother came up behind her husband, wrapped her arms around him, and then kissed him on his cheek before smiling at their daughter. The little girl captured it all on the camera.

  “Here it is!” came the boy’s voice in the distance.

  The camera swept around toward his voice, panning from patio to sky to grass and back before settling on her brother pushing her gift onto the flagstone patio that surrounded the custom pool. “A big bike!” she squealed, dropping the camera onto the table.

  Seeing only sky now, Jake listened to the end of the recording.

  “Brie, the camera!” her mother gasped.

  “Shh, it’s all right, babe, she’s excited,” Brie’s father said, placating his wife.

  When it was over, Brie looked at Jake who was still grinning, but looked confused. She sighed. “My dad died six months after that, when his private jet crashed. He was on his way home. That was twelve years ago. Before he died, everything was . . . perfect.”

  “Brie . . .”

  Was he going to say he was sorry? She had just told him that very thing. She could see it in his remorseful eyes. He didn’t need to say it.

  She shut her computer and held it on her lap. “Losing him, it was hard.” Her voice trembled. “Everything started falling apart. My mother went back to work, modeling. With the life insurance from my dad, and his investments, she didn’t have to work. She could have stayed home. I guess work was her therapy. She traveled a lot.” Brie put her laptop on the nightstand next to her.

  “I don’t remember a lot of it right after he died. But, I evidently stopped talking for a few months. I was going to a Montessori school, but they said it wasn’t the right placement for me anymore because I wasn’t ‘participating in my learning.’ So, my mom took me out.” She smiled at Jake. “I started my senior year at eighteen, like you. But, I’ll still be eighteen when I graduate—summer birthday.

  Anyway, Leif started getting into trouble at school. He was suspended a couple of times. It wasn’t until I started . . . having other issues that he changed. By then he was in high school. That’s when I started . . . cutting.”

  Pausing, she looked over at him. What was he thinking? His expression hadn’t changed. She looked at her open palm and continued.

  “That’s how I deal with . . . stuff. Cutting, and running. Leif got me into running. Every day after school, we’d go running. He was there for me when our mom wasn’t. She’d leave us alone, sometimes for days. Maria and Carlos took care of us. They’re like family.

  “When my mother went back to work, she met Rick. He’s a fashion photographer. He kind of moved into our house.”

  “What do you mean, kind of?”

  “Okay, not kind of. He actually moved his stuff in, like he lived there, with us. With my mom and me. That was four years ago.”

  “Where was Leif?”

  “He had just started college at MIT.”

  “MIT? Really?” Jake let out a low whistle. “What does he do now?”

  She smiled. “He got a tech job with an international investigation, protection, and security firm in DC. They recruited him.”

  “So, that’s why he doesn’t live with you now? Because of his job?”

  “Huh? No.” Brie leaned her head back on her bed and took a deep breath. “My mother married Rick last year.”

  “Jeez. Were you in her wedding?”

  “Are you kidding? They got married at the courthouse. She didn’t even tell me until they came back from their honeymoon. I would have done anything to stop it. I hate that man.” She shuddered. “He just helps himself to everything like he owns it, even things that used to belong to my dad. And, I can’t stand the way he looks at me. I hate him. Leif hates him. Maria and Carlos don’t say anything, but I know they don’t like him, either.

  “Anyway, Rick told my Mom he wanted to move. He said it was so he wouldn’t have to live in the shadow of my dad. He kept saying it would be a fresh start, a new beginning. I can’t stand living in the same house with him. At least my mom believes me now.”

  “Is that why Leif doesn’t live with you? Because of Rick?”

  “Yeah, kind of. He would have moved back into our old house after he graduated, but he considers the new house Rick’s. Before we moved here, Leif bought Roxy for me. Roxy was all I . . . she made it bearable.” She touched the scars on her palm. “Roxy?” she whispered. “I lied to Leif. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I really tried to stop on my own. I did. Running helped, but I just couldn’t handle everything.” Her forehead creased, and she stopped talking.

  “Brie? Brie, look at me.”

  “He took Roxy,” she whispered.

  “What? Who took Roxy? Leif?”

  “Rick. Rick took Roxy.” She spoke faster, fisting her hands. “When I got home from the dance, Rick was waiting for me. He was drunk. He said disgusting things to me, and he tore my dress.” She drew in another deep breath. “When he hit me, Roxy bit him.” Brie licked her swollen lower lip where it had split.

  “Jeez, Brie. Did he—”

  “I should’ve taken Roxy with me,” she said, rocking. “When she bit him, he kicked her. I had to get away from him, before he . . .” She trembled. “Before he . . . Jake, I left her down there with him.”

  “You did what you had to do.”

  She shook her head. “I found out later he stole her. What if he killed her? It’s my fault. I left her there—with him.”

  “Brie, none of that’s your fault,” Jake said. “You had to get away. How did your mother find out?”

  “I called Leif before I did this, but he didn’t answer, so I texted him.” She touched the bandage. “He’s out of the state. He tried to call me, but when I didn’t answer, he called our mom. Rick’s gone. He knows Leif’s going to come after him.”

  “Rick’s afraid of Leif?” He almost grinned.

  She nodded. “Leif told him if he ever laid a hand on me again, he would wish he was dead.”

  “What do you mean, ‘laid a hand on you, again?’”

  Brie shuddered. “Before we moved here, Rick grabbed me, and he . . . he kept pushing his . . . kept pushing himself against me and wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t get him off. But, Leif was home for spring break, and he saw it. He yanked Rick off and pretty much beat the crap out of him. Carlos had to pull Leif off Rick. My mother didn’t believe us: me, Leif, or even Carlos. She thinks we were trying to sabotage her relationship. Rick hadn’t touched me again, until Saturday. He gives me the creeps the way he watches me. He told my mother he wanted to put together a modeling portfolio for me.”

  She studied her hand, tracing the cut scars on her palm with her fingertips. She looked up at him. “Do you know what it feels like? To cut?”

  Jake hesitated, but shook his head.

  She spoke quietly, looking back at her hand. “When I start, I watch for the blood, and I’m so focused on that cut. It’s all I can think about. There is nothing else. Everything slows down. At first, it’s like I’m not even me. But, I’m watching me,” she said still staring at her hand.

  “I get the urge to cut, when I get numb, o
r when I feel desperate. It’s hard to explain, sometimes it’s an annoying, irritating frustration that I can’t get rid of, but usually it’s like this real heaviness inside that I can’t get over. But, I hold onto this image of blood first beading out, and then the beads blend together into a seeping, dripping line. Before I cut, I anticipate it. I get this quick rush, then I press the blade, and it hurts. I can feel it. It’s all I feel. A searing pain. And, I forget about everything. All that stuff that weighs me down is gone. When I cut, it’s pure relief.”

  She looked at Jake. “I feel so numb, so heavy inside before I cut, and it’s the feeling of letting go that I crave. I want it to hurt, so I can feel—something—anything, so I press harder, because I want it to hurt more. Because that hurt? It replaces the dull, numb, emptiness inside of me.”

  “Brie, I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I don’t get it. How does hurting yourself make you feel better?”

  She looked back at him, confused. “It just does. It works for that short time while I’m cutting and watching. And, I’m released. Then, I’m okay, until it’s too much again, and I can’t deal. And, the only way I can get it together again is to find my release from cutting and feeling the pain, from a fresh cut. I know I shouldn’t do it. But, it’s like I need it. Haven’t you ever gotten so angry or frustrated that you can’t get over it? And, you can’t move on because there is no relief?”

  “I guess. I mean, sure I get angry, but I usually confront whatever pisses me off. You said running helps.”

  Her eyes darted to Jake’s. She nodded. “But, running is more of an escape, a distracter, not really relief. Even then, it has to be a brutal run, or I think too much.”

  “So, even when you run you’re punishing yourself?”

  “Punishing myself? Yeah, I guess I do,” she whispered, looking at him. “No one even knew I was cutting again. This time I cut too deep. I couldn’t stop the bleeding. I didn’t want to die.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to die.” She refocused on Jake. “You think I’m a freak don’t you?”

  “Brie, you’re not a freak. You just have too much shit to deal with. Losing your dad, your mom is MIA most of the time, pedophile Rick, Roxy gone, missing your brother, transferring schools, my ex and her bitchy friends.” He looked back into her intense gray eyes. “God, I am so sorry, Brie. When I acted like an ass to you on the bus, I had no—”

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t apologize. That’s not why I told you all of that. I told you because I trust you. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I just needed to say it—out loud.”

  “That helps you? To talk?” He looked into her eyes.

  She nodded. “I’m glad you found me,” she whispered. “But, the nurses are going to be making rounds soon. I don’t want you to get in trouble for being here.”

  “Brie, I don’t want to leave you here, alone.”

  “So he says before he leaves.” She gave him a rueful smile. “It’s okay. I’ll be out in ten days.”

  “I have an idea.” He took his phone out of his pocket. “Here. Don’t let them know you have it.”

  “I can’t take your phone, Jake.”

  “Yes. You can. It should hold the charge for a couple of days. It has an extended battery. I’ll pick up a prepaid tonight. I’ll text you, okay?”

  She nodded.

  “If you need to get hold of me before I text you, you can reach me by texting Alec. He’s in my contacts. You’ll know it’s me if I text the word trust.”

  “Alec? Who is that? Jake, don’t tell him about all of this. Don’t tell anyone.”

  “Hey, don’t worry. Alec is cool. He’s a buddy from my band. He’s dealt with more than his share of shit. So, believe me, he won’t pry. He drove me here today. And, I promise. Not a word to anyone.” Jake skimmed his finger over her swollen lip. “I wish I could really kiss you.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “You’ll be okay?”

  “I will be now.” She held his phone with both hands. “Don’t get caught.”

  He peered out the door. Looking back over his shoulder, he flashed his eyebrows at her. “Now or never,” he said before he disappeared.

  Chapter 19

  Across the kitchen table from Teagan, Jake fidgeted with his laptop. He googled cutting, which led him to self-harm. He quickly scrolled through the graphic images, panicked by what he saw. That’s not Brie. Not yet. He navigated to the results for the question, “What is it like to cut?” He skimmed through the posts. Exactly how she described it.

  “Jake? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  He glanced up at her. “Huh? Yeah. Just got a lot on my mind. Sorry, Teag.” He sighed. “You might want to finish your homework upstairs. Dad’s gonna be really pissed at me.” Chewing the side of his thumbnail, he glanced back at the pictures on his screen.

  “Why? Something happened at school, didn’t it?”

  “School? No.” He shook his head and looked over the screen at her. “I didn’t go to school today.”

  “What? You ditched?” Her jaw dropped.

  Just as he bit his lower lip and nodded to her question, they heard the garage door. Teagan looked at Jake, but he communicated nothing more. He looked toward the door his father had just opened.

  Here we go, Jake closed his laptop and stood.

  “Teagan, go to your room. I need to talk to Jake.” Their dad turned to Jake, pointing at the chair he had been sitting in. “You, sit back down.”

  The muted sternness in his father’s voice must have frightened Teagan. Pausing, she looked to her brother. With a quick reassuring wink, Jake gave his sister a single nod toward the stairs.

  His father dropped his car keys on the table. “Don’t play games, and don’t you lie to me. We haven’t had to do this before, Jake. I got a message from your school that you were absent. I don’t care how old you are. You’re my son and you still live in my house. You will follow my rules. Where were you and what did you do all day?”

  His father’s quiet, controlled anger flustered Jake as much as it had Teagan. This was not at all what he had predicted. Jake was sure his dad would start yelling and accuse him of screwing up, of being irresponsible. It was textbook.

  But, he knew if he had the chance to repeat the day, he wouldn’t have changed a thing. Trying to think of how to answer without lying, and without breaking his promise to Brie. He felt his jaw tense.

  “I’m waiting.”

  “I was helping someone who was having a crisis.”

  “Who? And, why did you have to play hooky to do it?”

  “Dad, play hooky?” Jake tried, unsuccessfully, to keep the grin off his face.

  It was contagious. Adam cracked a grin himself. “Okay, I don’t know what you call it these days. I’m showing my age, huh?”

  “Ditching, Dad. I ditched.” The mood was lighter, but Jake knew he wasn’t in the clear. “It was this new girl.”

  “The girl you met at the dance last weekend?”

  “Yeah.” Jake nodded. “Her name’s Brie. She’s not fitting in. Some of the girls are giving her a hard time.”

  “Would I know these girls?”

  “Yeah. Who do you think? My ex mostly—and her friends.”

  “Sarah, huh? I can see how that might make it difficult for Brie.”

  “Anyway, she didn’t come to school after the dance, so I decided to . . .” What? “Be there for her.”

  “Well, that’s a catch-22. I don’t approve of your ditching school. But, I wouldn’t want you to turn your back on someone who needed help. Did you talk to the right people to help her, like a counselor or—”

  “Dad, narcing isn’t going to make it easier on her at school,” Jake interrupted. “She’s getting help outside of school. That’s
all I can say. I promised I wouldn’t talk about this to anyone.”

  “So, is this girl special?”

  “What?” He scowled. “Jeez, Dad. Really? Yes. Okay? She’s special. Can we be done with this conversation?”

  “Jake, just be careful. Take it slow. And, remember, smart choices from now on.”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  “Uh, is this a bad time?” Alec asked popping his head into the door.

  Jake looked to his father for an answer. He knew his dad was a private person who wouldn’t air his laundry publicly, so to speak.

  His dad glanced at Alec, then back at Jake. “We are not done with this conversation. We’ll finish this later. And, Jake, remember what I said. Smart choices.”

  “Yes, sir. Uh, Alec’s taking me to Walmart. You need anything?”

  “No. Be back by ten.” Adam said, ascending the stairs.

  “Yes, sir.” Jake turned to Alec. “C’mon let’s get going. I need that TracFone.”

  When Brie woke, she felt nothing. It was that same, lonely, empty, heavy, nothingness she couldn’t bear. The blinds were up, but it was dark outside, and she could see nothing. She let out a panicked giggle. Everything—is nothing.

  She had no idea what time it was or how long she’d been asleep. Her pillow buzzed, distracting her, and she remembered. Jake was here. He came to see me. Reaching into her pillowcase, she turned onto her side. The time on the phone showed eight o’clock.

  She read the one-word text: Hey

  November 17th . . . 1117. She entered his passcode.

  She texted back: Hey

  The response came: Wow your finally texting back? Is your gf gone?

  Huh? What? finally texting back? gf? Girlfriend? I’m his girlfriend? Of course it would’ve shown Alec as the sender—if it was Jake. Instead there was only a number on the screen. She hadn’t thought of that when she answered. Whoever it was, wasn’t in Jake’s contact list. She hadn’t waited for their password, “trust.” It’s got to be Sarah. Brie’s heart pounded in her chest.