Lost and Found

by Chris Van Hakes

  I shook my head and almost started crying at the thought of Oliver seeing me in this dress, being embarrassed by me in this dress. I knew I had to break it off with Oliver formally. Right now I was just hiding from him, avoiding him. I was in love with him and he couldn’t even admit to his friends that he was seeing me. Cliff hadn’t wanted to outright hide our relationship. Not for long, anyway.

  But when I broke up with Oliver, I was pretty sure I was going to shrivel up, and I didn’t want to do that until Ursula was on her honeymoon. She had enough to worry about.

  Until then, I’d simply been ignoring Oliver’s texts and keeping my light off so he never knew if I was home. I even watched movies in the bedroom, on my laptop, with headphones on. I walked Jenny when I knew he was at work, until I’d decided I was just too tired to care for her, and had shipped her off to Emily’s. It was a miserable existence, but it would be over soon enough.

  There was a knock on the door, and I cracked it open to see Rita’s unsmiling face on the other side. “Hi,” I said brightly, slipping out of the dressing room to leave Emily to help Ursula.

  Rita practically spat when she saw me looking through dresses on the floor of the bridal shop this morning, but I’d simply smiled and offered her my hand, which she’d stared at before I dropped it. She didn’t look much happier now when she said, “My son is here. He asked for you.”

  “Me?” I asked in confusion.

  She simply pointed in the direction of Oliver, and I went. He was looking at a rack of wedding dresses, hands shoved in the pockets of his worn jeans, wearing a gray sweater with a giant hole in the elbow, and another at the shoulder, over a blue button-up, shirttails sticking out, his coat tucked under one arm. His hair was messy, there were holes in his jeans, his face was tired and unshaven and he was totally, completely beautiful. He turned and saw me staring at him and his face practically split in two when he smiled at me. “Hey,” he said, making his way to me in three strides. He reached out for me, and as if he remembered himself, left his hands at his sides.

  “Hey,” I said weakly.

  “You’ve been busy, huh? You’re hardly ever home.”

  “Work. Lots of work,” I lied, my voice cracking.

  He reached out for me again, and this time he didn’t stop himself. “I missed you,” he whispered, speaking into my hair as his arms wrapped around me. “I should be angry that you never answer my texts, but work’s been crazy for me, too. Plus, I miss you.”

  “You said that twice.” I tried to hold on to the anger I’d been feeling ever since he’d all but admitted he was ashamed of me, but I couldn’t. I was pathetic.

  He unwrapped himself from me and then pushed away. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he said with a shake of his head. “I know Ursula’s here. That was stupid. She’ll give me hell,” he said, but he was smiling and still holding onto my hand.

  I untangled our fingers and said, “What are you doing here?”

  “I called Ursula. She asked me to take you all to lunch. She said you were going crazy,” he said, still smiling at me.

  “Oliver,” Rita said, sucking all the warmth out of the room. His smile fell. “Hello, Mother.”

  “Ursula is almost ready,” Rita said, looking past me, and Oliver bumped my shoulder. “You up for some falafel?” he asked.

  “Falafel?” Rita said like she would say, “Norovirus?”

  “The Pita Pit!” Ursula said with a squeal from behind us, and I smiled, thankful to not be alone with two Dr. Webbers any longer.

  When we were sitting with our lunches around three tables shoved together, Rita opting for only a bottled water when she saw the tomatoes behind the sneeze guard and muttered something about foodborne illnesses, Oliver said as he kicked my shin under the table, “So, what’s your dress look like?” He took a big bite of his sandwich and leaned forward, tahini dripping onto the wrapper in front of him.

  Emily answered for me, “It’s this emerald green wrap dress. Tight, low-cut, short hem. She looks amazing.”

  “She always looks amazing. Still, can’t wait,” he said, and waggled his eyebrows at me. Everyone stopped eating and looked between Oliver and me, and I shook my head slightly and put down my pita, my appetite completely gone.

  “What do you mean?” Emily asked, narrowing her eyes at Oliver.

  “What do you mean, what do I mean?” he said, completely unconcerned that everyone was looking at him. “Delaney always looks amazing. Do you disagree?”

  “No,” Emily said slowly. “I don’t.”

  Finally, with no one speaking, Oliver put down his pita. “What?”

  “It’s just,” Ursula said, “you sound like, like…”

  “Like Delaney’s boyfriend,” Emily said.

  I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t want to see what Rita was doing. Probably ordering a custom Delaney voodoo doll.

  “Well, I’m not her boyfriend,” he said, and I peeked through my fingers to see annoyance all over his face. “Not even close.”

  I tucked my hands under my butt and said, “Nope. Not even close.” I smiled at Emily and she said, “Uh huh?” and then she looked back at Oliver and asked, “But do you want to be with her?”

  Oliver’s mother cleared her throat when Oliver remained incriminatingly silent. “I’d love to hear the answer to this,” she said, shooting him a withering look.

  He looked at me and I looked away immediately. He didn’t answer, and then left the table to throw out the rest of his lunch.

  On the awkward walk back to the bridal shop, Emily asked, “Do you want to see the bridesmaid dresses, Oliver?”

  “Why would he want to see the dresses?” I said right as Oliver said, “Sure.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  “Great!” Emily said. “Delaney can model it for you.” I shot her a scornful look as I ducked into a dressing room.

  When I emerged, Rita clucked as she glanced down at my bare legs. Oliver stared. Emily clapped and Ursula winked.

  “You look beautiful,” Oliver said, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down with an uncomfortable swallow. Then he added, “And I wouldn’t cover up your legs. It would be a shame for all of us who get to enjoy them during the ceremony.” Then he walked up to me and brushed my bangs back. “And we talked about this already. No one can see your eyes behind this. Emily, do you have a pin or a clip or something?”

  Emily hooted from behind me with a, “God yes,” and handed something to Oliver. His eyes were steely and stormy and fixed on me as he pinned my hair and then stepped back and said, “There. Beautiful, now that we can actually see you.” My hand went reflexively to the patch on my forehead, but then I dropped it as I saw the clear, unadulterated lust in Oliver’s eyes.

  Nora said, “Well, what do you think, Rita?” but Rita didn’t say anything.

  I yanked up the top of the dress, which was traveling dangerously southward and Oliver’s eyes dropped to where my hands were holding up the dress, and then he looked away. “I should get going. My shift starts soon.”

  “Right,” I said, backing up into the dressing room.

  A minute later, the dress half unzipped, there was a knock on the door and Oliver said, “Delaney? Do you have a minute?”

  I quickly zipped up the dress as best I could and opened the door, waving him in. “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey.” His eyes dropped and I looked down to see the top of my lacy strapless bra showing, and I yanked the dress up quickly as my cheeks heated. “Sorry,” I said, staring at the carpet.

  He cleared his throat and said, “Before I go, I thought we could talk. About why you seem to be avoiding me.”

  “I’m not avoiding you.”

  “You are. Please tell me why.” His voice was gravelly and his eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot and his lips were cracked.

  “Are you getting enough sleep?” I said.

  “Pretty much none. I don’t know what I did wrong. Please tell me. I want to fix it.”

  “Nothing,
” I said idly.

  “Sure.” His voice dropped and he stepped closer. “Listen, if I did something that made you uncomfortable, you can tell me.” He looked right into my eyes and I said, “No, it’s not you, it’s…” I wanted to tell him that I had feelings I knew he couldn’t return, but the words died in my throat, and then there was another knock on the door.

  “Lane?” Emily said. “We need your opinion here. Ursula’s mom and Aunt Rita are about to become my homicide victims.”

  “I should get dressed,” I said to Oliver.

  “Tomorrow morning? After I get back from work?” Oliver said.

  “Sure,” I said, trying to hide my panic. “Absolutely.”

  “Great.” He gave me a tight smile and walked past me, and I put my head in my hands as Emily said, “What is going on with you two?”

  “What do you mean? Nothing.”

  “That’s why he was eye fucking you all through lunch?”

  “Jesus, Emily.”

  “Sit down,” she said, pushing me into the stool in the corner. “And tell me everything that’s going on with you two.”

  “I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t,” I said as my voice cracked.

  “You can, and you will. Talk. Now.” She put her hands on her hips and stared me down, and I put my head in my hands, groaned, and started talking.

  Oliver

  I took the stairs two at a time and sniffed my scrub shirt as I got to the third floor landing, hoping I didn’t smell like hospital before knocking on Delaney’s door. I’d been anxiously practicing asking if she wanted to go out on a date, ditching the private relationship, the whole way back from the hospital. I had a feeling she’d been avoiding me because she wanted the same thing. I could tell she wanted more, but didn’t want to be the one to ask first.

  I took a deep breath, told myself, This will be good, and knocked on the door. Except when the door swung open, Delaney wasn’t standing in front of me. Mia was.

  “Hey,” she said, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind her, giving me a tiny smile. There was sleep in the corners of her eyes and her hair was rumpled, and yet she was still a fine-boned beauty, looking up at me with big blue pools for eyes.

  “Hi. Where’s Delaney?”

  “Asleep. We were up pretty late, talking.”

  “Talking?” I swallowed.

  “About you. About you and her. She explained everything, convinced me to stay and talk to you.”

  “Talk to me?”

  “Yeah. We have some talking to do. But first, I need to apologize.” She tucked her head down, threw her arms around me and hugged my middle, hard.

  I held my arms up, completely surprised. “Mia.” But after a minute of her holding me, my arms dropped and I hugged her back, and I buried my head in her hair. My eyes darted up when I heard Delaney’s apartment door creak open again, and saw her tip-toe, fully dressed, out of her apartment. When our eyes met, she gave me a puffy-eyed, watery smile, mouthed, “Bye,” and walked down the stairwell. I didn’t get the chance to say anything to her before she was gone.

  When Mia was wrapped in a blanket on my sofa, knees hugged to her chest and a cup of coffee in her hands, she said, “Delaney explained everything to me last night.”

  “What did she explain?” I sat forward in the recliner.

  “She explained how you feel about me, that it’s not just a phase. She told me about all the other women you’d see, how they weren’t enough, and she told me about you and her.”

  I inched forward. “What did she say about me and her?”

  “That what you had with her wasn’t important, that it didn’t change your feelings for me. That she wasn’t going to ever be me.”

  “She told you all that?” I said, setting my mug down on the coffee table hard.

  She nodded into her knees.

  “Mia, I need to tell you some things.”

  Delaney

  “You’re sure you don’t mind me crashing here?” I said as I tucked a sheet into the sofa cushion, Jenny sitting regally on top of the pillow and licking her paws.

  “Oh honey, I’m sure. You and Jenny can stay here as long as you want,” Emily said with big, sympathetic eyes.

  “Don’t worry. I promise I’ll stay out of the way when Sam comes back.”

  “Sam’s hardly ever back. He’s like a ghost.”

  “Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. It should just be a few days that I’m here. Plus,” I said, trying on a cheery voice, “I have some good news.”

  “Oh?”

  “I have a job interview for a special collections position!”

  “No way!” Emily hugged me tight. “Tell me all about the job.”

  “Well, it doesn’t pay as well, but if I get the job, I’ll be working in the archives, and maybe that will get me a leg up when there’s an opening working with the Jenny Edmonton archives.”

  She patted my knee and beamed at me. “That’s so great! It sounds perfect. But I don’t understand. Does the university have separate special collections departments?”

  I bit my lip and said, “Actually, it’s not at the university. They’re not hiring at PGU right now.”

  “Oh?” She lowered her eyebrows. “I don’t know any other academic libraries around here. Where is it?”

  “San Diego.”

  “I hope that’s a town in Illinois,” Emily said. I shook my head and she exploded. “Laney! You cannot go back to LA!”

  “It’s not LA. It’s an hour south of LA. Completely different.”

  She closed her eyes and buried her head in her lap. “Tell me you’re not doing this because of Oliver.”

  “Okay. I’m not doing this because of Oliver.”

  “Now tell me the truth.”

  “It’s just…it would be easier. Fresh start. That kind of thing.”

  “Sure, like this was a fresh start. Like moving across the country with Cliff was a fresh start in college. Like college was a fresh start. Maybe what you need isn’t a fresh start but an old one.”

  “You don’t understand. I can’t live across the hall from Oliver, knowing he’s happily ever after in love with Mia, getting everything he wants, being perfect,” I said, hiccupping, trying to stop encroaching tears.

  “I do understand.”

  “You don’t. You’ve had Sam forever! You get everything you want!”

  “Not true,” she said.

  “Like?”

  “You, staying in college. Staying here, as one example.”

  “That’s different,” I said through a clogged voice. “But,” I said, and then my voice broke. “Because you’re you. You’re beautiful and loveable. And I’m the opposite.”

  Emily wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled me close as I started to really cry. “Oh honey. No. No. That’s not true.”

  “It is!” I said between sobs. “It is true.”

  “I’m sorry Oliver broke your heart, but if he can’t see what he’s missing, that doesn’t mean someone else won’t. You don’t have to run away and hide all the time. You can find everything you want right here.”

  “I know. In theory. It’s just—I have all these emotions that I don’t want inside of me, that I’m running away from, too.”

  “The bad news is that the emotions will still be there when you stop running.”

  “Annoying of them.”

  “Yes. Is there anything else you’re looking for? Maybe love or happiness or joy?”

  “Myself, I guess,” I said with another sniffle.

  “Well, good news. You’re right there.”

  “Under all these emotions I refuse to feel?”

  “Yep. And just think, after you feel them, they’ll go away.”

  “Personally, I kind of like eating them.”

  “What do they taste like today?”

  “Right now my emotions feel like a Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar,” I said, and Emily squeezed me once
more before letting go. “Good news,” she said. “I happen to have that emotion in my cupboard.”

  Twenty Eight

  Oliver

  “Hey, Urs,” I said, pulling at my tie. My feet were pinched into black wingtips, I couldn’t stretch my arms in my suit jacket, and I was already sweating underneath my shirt collar. I sat down at the dinner table as people filed in for Michael and Ursula’s rehearsal dinner. “When’s Delaney getting here?”

  Ever since I’d talked with Mia and told her that Delaney was absolutely wrong about everything she’d told her, I’d been desperate to talk to Delaney. But Delaney wasn’t answering her door or her phone or her email. And Ursula and Emily weren’t either.

  Michael feigned ignorance on Delaney’s whereabouts, but I was suspicious. I was desperate to straighten everything out with her, but no one would help me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. “You don’t understand,” I told Ursula. “I really care about her.”

  She glared at me and then pressed a finger into my sternum. “I care about her more. And so I’m telling you now. Stay. Away.”

  “I can’t,” I said miserably. That had been days ago, and there was no word from her. I didn’t really sleep, or eat. I didn’t want to work, because I hated getting out of bed, but at least it passed the hours.

  I was pathetic. I filled up her voice mailbox one day with increasingly sad pleas, and still she wouldn’t talk to me. I’d even croaked, “I love you, Laney,” into the phone, but there was no response. The only thing keeping me sane was the wedding. I’d see Delaney tonight at the rehearsal dinner and explain everything.

  “Delaney’s not coming.” Ursula sat across from me at the long table. “You blew it.” She had an angry edge to her voice telling me to stay back, but I didn’t have any other choice.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She’s in California right now, on a job interview.”

  I fisted my hands under the table. “California?” Cliff. Cliff was getting her back? “Where’s Jenny?”