A Soldier's Secret

by Linda Style

  It was the way a family was meant to be.

  “THANK YOU,” MAC SAID, holding her in his arms for as long as possible without seeming as if he was looking for something more. If it was up to him, he’d have stayed like that all night, but if he took it further, he could ruin everything. He ended the hug and leaned against the rail next to her. “So, how come I’ve never heard you mention the nickname before?”

  She turned, as if surprised. “No reason. It never came up.”

  “You know what’s strange?” he said, reaching over to brush off a tiny froth of milk on her upper lip, but then retracting his hand. He pointed to it instead. He kept wanting to touch her. “What’s strange is that I thought I really knew you, and yet these past few weeks I’m learning all kinds of new things.”

  “Hmm. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

  “It’s good,” he said without hesitation. “It gives me some insight into how you think and why.”

  “Whoa,” she said. “Give the guy one cup of cocoa and he’s Dr. Phil.”

  Mac laughed. “No, but I have wondered why you never mention your parents, why you never visit back and forth.”

  Rubbing her hands against her arms, as if she was cold, she said, “Then you should have asked.”

  She turned to face him, her mouth just inches from his. “We weren’t a close family,” she explained. “And they’re very stoic. Life was hard for them in Croatia and all they ever did was work. Even when we moved here, that’s all they did.”

  “Were they always like that?”

  She nodded. “Ever since I can remember. Except when I was little, maybe four or five, my dad was different. That’s when he used to call me Koko. It was short for Kokomo or something. I liked a song with that name and kept playing it on the piano, even though my mother didn’t want me to.” She frowned. “I did a lot of stuff she didn’t like.”

  “I didn’t know you played the piano. That’s something else that’s new. And at age five, no less.” He whistled.

  “I don’t now,” Natalia said quickly, then took another sip. “I stopped playing when my mother decided I wasn’t talented enough to become a concert player. That’s when she decided I was to be a research scientist or a doctor.”

  “And that didn’t happen, either.”

  “No.” Natalia sighed. “I was one disappointment after another. Finally, when I went into the military, she gave up on me.”

  “And your father?”

  “By that time he simply did whatever she said. To be fair, they did give up a lot to give me opportunities they didn’t have. Unfortunately, according to them, I threw it all away.”

  Standing shoulder to shoulder at the rail, he took her hand in his, splaying it out in the palm of his hand. “Such long, slender fingers would be perfect for a concert pianist.” He ran his thumb down each one. “Or flying a Medevac HH-60H.”

  She laughed. “That’s what I thought.”

  “So when was the last time you saw them?”

  “After I was discharged I went home and tried to make amends. I even started back to school. But…” Her skin went cold. She jerked her hand away, looked down. “But there were…other things going on with me. I couldn’t study the way I needed to, and I couldn’t stop thinking about flying. When I saw the job at Mountain Air, I applied and got it. I call my parents every so often, but it’s always a very brief conversation.”

  “Wow.” It was all Mac could think to say. He couldn’t imagine any parents turning away their own children, no matter what they did.

  “Yeah, wow,” she said, setting her empty cup on the ledge. “And that’s way too much information.”

  He set his mug down, too, and turned to face her. “No, it’s not. I’m glad you told me. But I feel badly for you. Growing up like that must’ve been painful.”

  Her muscles tensed and she shrugged. “I’m doing what I love, what I dreamed of doing all my life. Not too many people can say that.”

  Her bottom lip quivered, and the moisture glistening in her eyes said she didn’t feel the conviction of her words. When she reached to rub tears from her eyes, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him, holding her tight so she couldn’t get away. When she tried, he held her tighter. “It’s okay, Nats.”

  “No, it’s not. I failed them, and that’s not okay. They gave up everything for me, and I put my wants ahead of theirs.”

  He raised two fingers over her lips. “Shhh. Stop,” he said. “It’s your life to live, not theirs. You can’t take the blame for them being who they are.”

  Hauling in a deep breath, she dropped her forehead against him. “God, I’m such a mess.”

  He knew she prided herself on being strong, confident and able. It had cost her a lot to admit any kind of weakness.

  Just then he heard a shriek. A shrill, piercing scream. They both ran into the house and up the stairs, and barreled into Joey’s room. The covers were thrown back, the bed empty.

  Natalia saw him first, huddled in a corner. Swift as a cat, she was at his side, holding him, brushing his hair back, rocking him in her arms. “It’s okay, Joey. It’s okay.”

  After a moment, Mac asked, “Did you have a bad dream?”

  Joey nodded.

  “Well, that’s okay,” Natalia said. “Because dreams aren’t real. They can’t hurt us.”

  Joey looked up at her, tears running down his cheeks.

  “We all have bad dreams sometimes,” she murmured. “But they’re only dreams and they go away. It’s like a scary movie that’s only pretend.”

  “Do you have bad dreams, Mommy?”

  It took a moment before Natalia answered, her voice husky. “Yes, I do, Joey. And they’re very frightening, so whenever I have one, I think about the most wonderful thing I can imagine, and I picture it in my head. Then I hum my favorite song, and pretty soon I fall right back to sleep again, and I don’t have any more bad dreams.”

  Her voice quivered with emotion, and she cleared her throat. “Sometimes I even do it before I fall asleep, and it keeps the bad dreams away.” She laid her cheek against the top of his head. “You should try it.”

  “What do you think about?” he asked.

  Mac sensed a heartbeat of hesitation before Natalia said in almost a whisper, “I picture myself flying like a giant eagle, gliding smoothly through the air, soaring high above the clouds where no one can see me.”

  “Can I do that, too?” Joey asked.

  Mac felt a little like a voyeur, intruding on an intimate conversation.

  “Sure. You can imagine anything you want,” she said.

  “But I don’t know a song.”

  She pulled back and smiled at him. “Okay. You imagine something wonderful and I’ll sing for you. Okay?”

  He sniffled and nodded.

  Natalia started singing, her voice soft and small. “‘Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly....’”

  Mac closed his eyes, feeling his own tears as he pictured Natalia as a small girl, alone in her room, singing a song filled with longing and hope.

  How he wished he’d known her then. He would have protected her, made her feel loved and wanted. He wanted to do that now, with every fiber of his being.

  Before she’d finished the song, Joey had fallen asleep, so Mac picked him up and carried him to bed. As they tiptoed out, Mac took Natalia’s hand, led her into his bedroom and shut the door.

  NATALIA AWOKE TO A STREAM of sunlight shining across the large master bedroom and a man’s arm draped across her chest. She turned to see Mac, still asleep, and she wanted to curl up in his arms and go back to sleep herself.

  Then she remembered all the things she’d blurted out last night. Oh, God. She wanted to slide off the bed and crawl under it. She couldn’t even blame it on having too much to drink.

  And then she remembered Joey. She couldn’t help wondering if he’d seen some bad things in Iraq and was having the same kinds of dreams she did.

  He hadn’t said what
his dream was about, but if it was about the war, surely he’d need to get some help. He was a child and would have no coping mechanisms.

  Mac rustled the covers, then flung a leg over hers. He had worn boxers and a T-shirt to bed, and she’d worn one of his big T-shirts, since her nightclothes were in the guest room and she hadn’t made it that far after Joey had gone to sleep. The bed was huge, so she’d figured they wouldn’t even touch during the night, but obviously, that wasn’t the case.

  She gently slid her leg from under his and edged to the side of the bed, intending to get up. Then she saw Joey standing by the footboard, blanket in hand.

  “Joey,” she said softly so as not to wake Mac. “Everything okay?”

  He nodded, but his expression was cautious.

  “You can come over here,” she said, then reached out a hand. She patted the mattress. “C’mon up here.”

  The boy stepped toward her and climbed into bed, sitting with his legs crossed.

  “Well, good morning, kiddo,” Mac said huskily from the other side. He sat up, looked at her and grinned. “How is everyone this morning?”

  She reached to tousle Joey’s hair. “I’m great. And how are you this morning, young man?”

  “I didn’t have any more dreams.”

  “Good,” Mac said. “Because we have another day of fun planned and we have to be bright and cheery for it.”

  Natalia groaned. “Do we have to?”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  DRIVING TO THE COSMIC BEAN for coffee with Serena on Wednesday morning, Natalia couldn’t believe the time had passed so quickly. Between the Wild Animal Kingdom on Sunday, to four rescues and one search for a missing man with Alzheimer’s disease on Monday and Tuesday, they’d filled every waking minute with something.

  Mac came directly home every night after their shift to relieve Mrs. Anderson, and Natalia went for her usual drive to unwind—before going home to one of Mac’s home-cooked meals. His culinary skills had grown from good to amazingly good, but Joey, like most kids, was still picky, and Mac worried that he wasn’t eating enough of the proper foods for good nutrition.

  He worried about a lot of stuff, too.

  Today, since Mrs. Sharpton would be there at 4:00 p.m., he’d called Natalia four times already. It was just a formality, his attorney had said, so the state department could close their files. Joey had been more responsive to both of them, so Natalia was sure everything would go perfectly. And if it did, she’d be going back to her condo very soon.

  The thought made her chest contract. As much as she realized things had to be the way they were, she still felt a tug at her heartstrings when she realized she’d be leaving. It didn’t make sense, because from the minute Mac had asked her to help out, she’d been dying to go home.

  Parking at the Bean, she shook off the thought, got out and opened the back to get the box of favors she’d picked up for Serena and Cole’s wedding. If it was time to go home, then it was time to go home. She’d get her life back. She wouldn’t have to be anywhere at any time. She’d have only herself to worry about. She could read books and listen to music, drive her car and…

  A lump formed in her throat. And she’d be alone.

  “Natalia?”

  She turned. Serena, who’d texted her yesterday that the wedding was still on, stood at the door of the café. “Do you need help with something?”

  Natalia coughed, clearing her throat. She hoisted the box to her hip and shut the door. “Nope. I’m fine. I’ll be right there.” She turned away, checked her mascara in the side mirror, took a breath and headed inside.

  It was early, before the rush, the same time she used to come before work. Only today she had no work, just had to wait around for Mrs. Sharpton.

  “What was going on out there?” Serena asked as Natalia came inside and set the box on the counter.

  “Nothing. Just thinking of what I have to do today.”

  “Well, I have a surprise. Your dress came yesterday.” Serena went behind the counter and held up a large coffee cup.

  Natalia nodded in approval of the cup size. “Great. I hope it looks as good as it did online.”

  “It’s beautiful and it’s very you.”

  Serena seemed back on track and had accepted the idea of eventually trying again to have a baby, only this time it would be after the wedding, which was still on for the upcoming Saturday evening. Since both Natalia and Mac were in the wedding party, they’d made plans for Joey to sit with Tori and Linc during the ceremony.

  But all that could change in an instant, depending on what happened later today.

  Serena came around the counter and motioned Serena to come over to where the bridesmaid dress was laid out on a chair.

  “Nice,” Natalia said. “I like it.” The pale rusty-bronze color was perfect for fall and would go nicely with the soft cream and melon colors Serena had chosen.

  “What’s Mac up to?” Serena asked. “Cole said he’s wound up tighter than a corkscrew.”

  “He is, but he’s going to have to get a grip on it because we have to get on with our normal lives one of these days.”

  “And what is that?”

  Natalia frowned. “Just what it sounds like. We’ll do what we planned.”

  “I’m surprised. The way you two are when you’re together, it looked like there was a lot more going on than pretending. I thought maybe…”

  Natalia had thought maybe a few times herself, but then got real. She scrubbed a hand over her face and plopped down in the easy chair next to the window. “Yeah, maybe, but not like you think. It’s easy to get caught up in it, and sometimes the acting seems all too real.” She looked out the window. “But it’s not.”

  “Does that mean what I think it means?”

  When she didn’t answer right away, Serena came over and slid onto the chair next to her. Her friend’s eyebrows jacked up and a sly grin split her face. “Something happened, didn’t it? Ohhh, I knew it! We all knew it.”

  Natalia drew back. “All?”

  “Cole, me, Tori, Linc. Geez, even Sam mentioned it.”

  Her pulse began to race. “Mentioned what?”

  “That whenever we see you, you guys look like you’re in love.”

  Natalia leaned forward, elbows on her knees. She wanted to tell Serena everything, but what was the point? “Being in love takes two people, and that isn’t the way it is. I’m helping a friend and that’s it.”

  “So, you’re in love with Mac.” It was a statement, not a question.

  She shook her head. “I—I don’t know.”

  “I think you do.”

  “But it doesn’t matter what I feel. We had a deal, and when it’s done, it’s done.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  Not if she was honest with herself. She had thought more than once that if she could get her flashbacks to stop, then maybe… But even if she could, Mac didn’t feel the same. He’d never given her an inkling that he wanted anything more than a surrogate mother for Joey…and sex. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

  Serena rose and, standing over her, said, “Geez, Natalia. I’ve never known you to step back from anything. If you want Mac, then let him know how you feel. From what Cole says, Mac is having the same kinds of doubts about the whole situation.”

  Natalia’s head began to throb. She felt warm. Raising her hands to her temples, she cried, “Stop!”

  Serena jerked back in surprise.

  “Just stop, will you, please? You don’t know what’s going on and neither does Mac. He can’t know, or that’s the end of everything.”

  In a microsecond, Serena was at her side.

  “Remember the flashback I told you about a long time ago?”

  Her friend nodded. “You said they weren’t a problem anymore.”

  “Well, that’s not true. They’re worse. I’m getting flashbacks at all kinds of odd times. If Mac knows about it, he’ll have to report it to the Federal Aviation Administration. I’ll be grounded
. My life will be over.”

  “Oh, God. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

  Natalia stood and went to the window, saw Cole and Sam getting into their vehicles in front of the Purple Jeep Touring Company.

  “You should have said something,” Serena said. “Your friends can’t help if we don’t know.”

  “That’s just it, Serena. No one can know. If they do…” Her voice trailed off. What was the point?

  “If they do, we can support you. Mac would be there for you. He always has been. I know he cares about you, more than either of you wants to admit.”

  Her hands felt numb, as if they weren’t a part of her. “None of that matters if I can’t fly.”

  Serena glared at her. “Doesn’t matter? How can love not matter? So what if you couldn’t fly? You could still buy Mountain Air and teach other people to fly. You could still be a part of the search and rescue team, and teach those training classes you want to.”

  Natalia shook her head. “It’s not the same. It would never be the same.”

  Her friend crossed her arms. “Well, you know what? Things change. Nothing ever stays the same. Cole and I had a child we’ll never see again because of a decision I made years ago. Having another child will never make up for that loss, and I can’t change that. Ever. But I can live the best life I can with the blessings I have. I’m not going to let that one ill-fated part of my life keep me and Cole from having the happiness we deserve. Your life won’t end if you can’t fly. It will just be different, and if it were me, I’d take love any day over everything else.”

  Words didn’t come. Natalia just stood there, then finally managed to say, “I’m happy for you, Serena. Really happy for you. But I spent all my childhood and early adult life not doing what I wanted or what I thought was good for me. I made choices that weren’t easy, and if I quit now, it would have been all for nothing. In the end, I have to do what’s right for me.”

  Serena made a pouty face, then came over and hugged her. “I know. I just want so much for you....” Her voice cracked and she hugged her even harder.