Tarnished

by Erica Chilson

  Those children are being raised by castrated men and beaten women, just as they were raised. The need to provide is ingrained in a man’s DNA, just as the need to nurture is in a woman’s. When the ability is taken away, the structure of humanity falls. Many spout, “Well, don’t have kids if you can’t afford them!” when that is at the very core of human nature.

  If I hadn’t been blessed with blood money, I don’t know where I’d be today. I’d love to think my ideology would have saved me. But you don’t know what you’re capable of until your family is starving, and all the pride you possess is torn away from you because you have no means of providing any of your family’s needs. Whether it be the government or a helping hand from a neighbor or family member, the man will think, “Sorry, Bobby, but Uncle Sam is your daddy now.” It’s no different than castrating a man, and then wondering why he turns to drugs to cope because his family no longer needs him.

  “Just seeing this…” I’m rendered speechless, overcome with a billion emotions at once. I rest my hand over my heart as I speak to my son, but my eyes never leave the sight before me. “I’ve spent my entire life watching this town crumble, hearing the old-timers tell stories of how it used to be a thriving town, and wishing I could go back in time to when Rusty Knob wasn’t just a shell of what it once was. Now–”

  The impressive stone building on the end of the block, with its large entryway carved out of the corner of the building, welcomes members of our community. It was the perfect, historical location, long ago being a bank which relocated to a more central location. A small plaque rests above the keystone.

  “You can paint a building, but you’ve got to teach its owner how to maintain it.” I grab for my son’s hand. “Let’s spread some knowledge, shall we?” Striding up the stone steps, I pull Bren into the welcome center, seeing it with fresh eyes.

  “This is my favorite off all the renovations.” Awe laces Bren’s voice as he pulls away from me to gaze at the walls. “It’s like a time capsule...” His fingertips reverently linger on the Plexiglas protecting the black and white images of our history.

  Rusty Knob from the mid-nineteenth century until present time, with before and after images of the same locations. Our town was built on the backs of the hardworking coal miners and loggers, and out of respect, they are represented on these walls. Along with the hills, showing the trees in every season, and the progress and passage of time on not only our town but its citizens too.

  “I thought it wise to remind everyone why we’re doing this– that protecting something built to last hundreds of years is more important than the next, big new fad that will die out in a year or two.”

  “I get it…” Bren’s turned away from me, fingertip following the railroad line. “You always said that I needed to listen when the old-timers spoke, because if I didn’t hear them, important knowledge would be lost.” Bren looks at me over his shoulder, grinning. “I just pretended they were telling me bedtime stories so I wouldn’t get bored.”

  “And rolling your eyes the entire time…” I grin back. “I know. Me too. Most of the stories were told on repeat, sometimes in the same conversation.” Commiserating, Bren and I share a groan. “C’mon, let’s wander through, making sure it’s how we want it.”

  I know Willa wishes for Bren and me to ‘have words’ but I’m waiting my son out. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready. I’m hoping the final walk-through of the center will put him in the right frame of mind.

  The bank was turned into a welcome center, with images on the greeting room’s walls and a few chairs by the front desk. The only rooms not closed off to the public consist of the bathrooms and a small sitting room playing historical videos of West Virginia on a constant loop.

  One of the hardest parts of the renovations was connecting the inside of the buildings to walk freely from one to the next without having to go outside. The bank connects directly to the pharmacy, with the entry behind the front desk for ease of flow. All visitors have to enter the bank to proceed to the other spaces.

  Warren is hard at work, making sure the automotive work stations are set up correctly, after apprenticing beneath his father-in-law for the past few months. The pharmacy was the largest of the buildings, also housing a loading dock in the rear that was perfect for working on cars and bringing in oversized furniture for repair. We turned the pharmacy into the hands-on areas, where repairs of all kinds will be taught as well as put into practical use. Wynn oversaw everything dealing with carpentry, and Warren’s finishing up the automotive.

  Penny’s father will be teaching mechanics classes one night a week. On the other nights, we have a contractor teaching home repairs, an electrician for the simple things, and a plumber to teach all the things that don’t require a professional.

  Nodding to Warren, I quicken my step to catch up to Bren. My boy hates anything where his hands would get dirty. I’m not going to lie– I’m the same way.

  The insurance office is next, and Bren slows, simply because he likes the looks of the place. The narrow building still has its original wallpaper and the tin ceiling, completely contrasting with the computer desks with their shiny laptops, the printer station, and the large desks and sofas for studying.

  Wynn, Bren, and Kade set this building up to suit the requirements of those who needed a comfortable place to study for their GEDs or gain knowledge in specific areas to get a higher-paying job. The Jacobs sisters will be teaching specific computer programs to pad a résumé, as well as hosting workshops for household budgeting and balancing checkbooks. Willa and Penny’s coupon clipping will take place in this same space.

  “God, I’m waiting for him to start making out with them.” Bren’s lips curl into a genuine smile, the first in a long time, while he watches Wynn buff the laptop screens.

  “The boy sure does have a hard-on for technology,” I mutter in wry amusement as we walk by. Tall, lithe body curled protectively around a laptop, Wynn doesn’t even notice us because he’s so absorbed in his task.

  “Color me shocked that you agreed with Kade, Mr. Technophobe,” Bren teases me, giving me a glimpse into the facets of his personality I’ve missed so much over the past few months of angst. “Thought for sure you’d have us in here carving wheels from stone and making paint out of horseshit for hieroglyphics.”

  “Ahahahaha,” I mock laugh in my son’s face while curling my arm around his shoulders to shove him out of the space. “It’s about balance, dumbass. We need both skill sets. I’m all for higher education and technology, but even a doctor needs to know how to change a flat or how to wash his dirty undershorts.”

  Dragging my son, “Well, what do we have here?” I drawl, eyes instantly lighting on Willa when we enter the kitchen.

  “Git off me,” Bren struggles to toss my arm off his shoulder. “I can feel your heartbeat speed up. Eww…”

  I swallow my laughter, not bothering to hide how Willa affects me. “You should see your face around certain individuals– that ain’t something a father ought to ever see,” I taunt Bren back.”

  Obviously the diner was turned into a large kitchen that is Willa and Penny’s domain, much to Willa’s annoyance. Beautiful face twisted with impatience, she’s yanking a large glass jar from Penny’s grasp.

  “Penny!” Willa’s exasperated tone causes both Bren and me to snort. “You will not be teaching any classes until you get the basics down. You just refilled the sugar canister with salt.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal,” Penny whines better than her son does, who’s hanging out in a playpen in the center of the space. I make a beeline for the cute, little feller.

  The baby is reaching out for me before I can get to him, squawking and babbling in delight. The girls know we’re in here, but keep on bitching at each other just the same. Oil and water, Penny and Willa, with poor Warren stuck in the middle.

  Copper settles in my arms easy enough, happy to be liberated from baby jail. “You don’t go listening to them none.” I nuzzle the top o
f his head, pleased to see his red curls have lightened a bit– now copper like his name, instead of the bright red hair he was born with. “Oh, do you want Bren to give you attention? Do you?”

  “There is too a difference between corn starch, baking powder, and baking soda,” Willa’s gearing up. “You’re the one who graduated. Didn’t they teach you this shit in chemistry class?”

  “I didn’t take chemistry!” Penny shouts back.

  “We’re gonna kidnap you while your momma and aunt get their disagreement settled,” I murmur to Copper as I stride through the kitchen area with Bren laughing loudly behind me.

  “Maybe you should have. Just like earlier when you put the wrong fertilizer on the garden plants. Tomatoes need acid– cucumbers need alkaline.”

  “I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying,” Penny’s nearing tears.

  “I’m trying to teach you. Stop being a blockhead!”

  “Well, if you weren’t so goddamned pushy!” Penny strikes hard. “I liked zombie Willa better.”

  “Well, aren’t you a little cunt?” Willa’s irate voice follows me. “It’s no wonder Warren picked you– you act just like my momma. Stupid on purpose ‘cuz she’s too lazy to learn. Your momma needs her ass kicked for not teaching you a goddamned thing about being a woman.”

  “Well, how the fuck did you learn anything with Cora’s lazy, fat ass raising ya? Explain why you knows better than me?”

  “Easy,” Willa says low and slow in a cold, calculating voice that is the Gillette in her erupting. “I did the complete opposite of anything my momma would have done. That’s how. Now open your ears and follow directions, and you and I won’t be having any more problems from here on out.”

  Walking back into the printers, the last building on our route, I pause in the area used for group therapy sessions. “If we could choose…” I whisper against Copper’s wispy hair. “I’d be rethinking wanting a lady in my life. They seem more work than they should, especially when they travel in packs. I could see how being gay would be nice. Hanging around the bonfire, watching sports together, never being nagged. Sex and sleeping… I’d miss a lady then, though.”

  “Being bi means I can choose,” Bren reminds me, slipping into one of the chairs set in a circle in the center of the room. “It ain’t no easier, because you have no choice in who you fall in love with.”

  Taking my son’s words as his way of opening up to me, I slide into a chair opposite him so we can look one another in the eye. I hold Copper underneath the armpits with his tiny sneakers on my thighs, and play bouncy bounce to occupy him.

  The old printer building is Kade’s domain, with a meeting room, our shared office, and space for group therapy and refreshments. I glance up, baby babbling to me in my lap, to meet Kade’s eyes across the expanse as he sits behind his desk in the office. He gets up silently, deciding it’s high-time the three of us have words.

  “Willa’d probably stop biting Penny’s head off if you’d diddle her already,” Bren taunts me just as Kade settles down several seats away from me. “I mean, when was the last time either one of you got laid?”

  “You know?” I gasp, shocked.

  Brennan rolls his eyes, but it’s Kade who looks furious. “Of course he knows. Bren’s not a moron. We were both home that one time Willa snuck in in the middle of the night, and we woke to Corbin dragging her crying ass out of our house at breakfast.”

  Wincing, “I was under the impression we were here for Bren…” I trail off, not looking forward to this impromptu therapy/intervention session. “Dr. Cassidy has everything well in hand when it comes to Willa and me.”

  “Dad!” Bren loses his patience with me.

  “Fine,” I mutter begrudgingly. I flip Copper around so his back rests on my belly and his hiney is on my thighs with his little legs kicking me in the knees. He goes to work gnawing on his thumb, looking at Bren and Kade like they are interesting. “A year and a half ago was the last time– approximately three months before I sent Willa and Warren to rehab. Dr. Cassidy said to wait on sexual intimacy until after we’ve exorcised our history.”

  “At least you were honest for once,” Bren mutters to himself. “I don’t want details or anything. But it hurts when you lie to cover up the truth.”

  I shift around, suddenly uncomfortable. “About exorcising our history. It’s already penciled in– the truth. Prepare yourselves, because it’s happening just before Wynn goes off to school in a few weeks.”

  “Shit!” Kade scrubs at his face with the back of his hands. “So much shit is going down, I can’t keep track anymore. You know it’s bad when I’m not the cause.”

  “I’m sorry.” I squeeze Copper in my arms, needing the comfort. “I can’t give details– I refuse. But I won’t lie anymore. You’re grown men now, and I can’t expect you to clean up your own messes if I don’t fix mine first. I’m trying to help this town, but as Willa keeps saying… help starts at home. I’ve got to help myself first.” I take a deep breath. “So I am.”

  Little blue sneakers hold my undivided attention as I pretend two sets of eyes aren’t boring into my face. I can’t look at my sons, but I can put them at ease. “Kade, I think you get why I was keeping you and Wynn apart. The first time I was with Willa, she was only fifteen and I regret that that’s how it went down. Yeah, she stalked me, pretty much assaulted the willing, but it doesn’t make it right. I was only trying to keep you from a lifetime of regret.”

  “Thank you.” Kade’s voice breaks, and I chance a glance at him. His manly features are twisted in indecision. “I knew that already– I was just waiting for you to actually say it out loud. When I was younger, I didn’t understand. You made me feel like a pervert. But when I found out the truth from Warren, I figured you were trying to help me and Wynn.”

  “I was,” I breathe. “I knew you could handle the guilt and shame. Wynn can’t handle stuff like that, but he’s old enough to decide what he wants to do now…” I trail off, unable to voice giving my foster son permission to screw my adopted son. I just can’t say those words out loud.

  “I’m waiting,” Kade admits, shocking me. “If Wynn can’t wait with me, then that proves he wasn’t ready in the first place. I can’t… I can’t do that with someone unless I know they’re with me forever. I just can’t.”

  “Sons,” I start hesitantly. “I’m sorry my past has colored my feeling on men being with men. I know you know what I mean. Deep down, I realize it’s no different than me being with a woman. How you won’t hurt each other. I know this, but my terror feels very real to me when I think about it. So leave my issues out of your bedrooms.”

  “Wynn just graduated from high school,” Kade reminds me. “I want him to experience college without our relationship holding him back. Trust me when I say your issues are not in my bedroom.”

  “Good,” spills from my lips in relief. “I’m happy to see you have a good head on your shoulders.” My eyes flick up to connect with my first born. Bren looks terrified and lost. “Forget about me, son. If you want to be with Jack, be with Jack.”

  Vulnerable, “I can’t,” Bren whispers, but then his resolve hardens. “I’m not gay. I’m not in denial. I totally get off on girls, and I’m not gay-for-Jack. Yeah, I ain’t gonna lie… I have nightmares I wish I didn’t have, and they affect me when I think about being with a guy. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never denied wanting to be with one. And I agree with how carefree being in a relationship with a guy versus a girl would be. But I know until I fall in love with someone and make a commitment, part of me is always going to be roaming around, craving whatever I’m not getting. It’s something a bi person has to deal with.”

  “Do you need to talk to someone? I’m sure Dr. Cassidy could find a colleague so you didn’t feel uncomfortable speaking with her.”

  “I know who I am,” Bren says firmly. “I love Jack. I might even be in love with him a little bit. But just as Kade feels about Wynn, Jack isn’t ready for that. I want Jack
and Wynn to go off to school and experience everything, and I won’t hold either one of them back.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you can’t too.” My voice warps, nearly whining. “I want you to be a kid, Bren. We still have time to find you a spot in the dorms–”

  “I don’t want that,” my son cuts me off. “I’m not great at anything in particular. I can’t even tell you what I want to major in. But I do know that way of life isn’t for me. I want to live on my own. I’ve already found a job near campus at a health club. Soccer moms will be paying me to push them to exercise harder.” A pained expression crosses Bren’s face. “God, Franny would get a kick out of that.”

  “If you’re in love with Franny–”

  “Royce,” Kade is groaning at the same time Bren is calling out, “Dad, no. Franny’s my best friend, and I miss him. He’d totally go nuts to hear torrid tales from the gym, and that makes me sad. But that’s not what’s going on. Okay?”

  “Okay, I won’t push,” I promise.

  Bren looks relieved, but then terror washes over his features. “I found out you can be in love with one person, but love someone else so much more that you’ll do anything to keep them– no matter what.”

  “Like the shit I pulled with Willa?” I admit for the first time. “That wasn’t just for Donny, no matter how much I try to tell myself it was.”

  “Kinda…” Bren looks decidedly uncomfortable all of the sudden. “More like in spite of how much you were in love with Willa, I would have come first. Like how it took you seven years to adopt Hayden and Hayley. Nothing and no one was going to get in your way.”

  “I-I-I… what?” I gasp, confused.

  “Don’t demand any answers until I’m ready to give them,” Bren reprimands me, sounding like a grown man. “I’m going to be working, using my wages and tips for my living expenses. But I need enough to get started. Deposits for the apartment and utilities. Furniture. That sort of thing. After a few months, I should be on my feet.”