Tarnished

by Erica Chilson

  My fingers wrap around Willa’s slender thighs, widening them. Eyes on the prize, I notice how damp her girly curls are, and it strikes terror throughout my body. “There’s no way…” Involuntary, my fingertips dip into her pink snatch, sliding easily inside. Silky, hot, and pillowy, her flesh sucks at mine. “Fuck,” I snarl as the scent of my seed wafts up.

  Leaving my fingers inside Willa, I reach with my other hand to grab a washcloth to clean her inside and out. The intense waves rolling against my fingers are undeniable, followed by Willa convulsing around on the vanity top like she’s having a seizure.

  “You cunt!” My words are harsh, but they’re filled with awe as this wild young woman breaks apart against my hand.

  “It’s mine,” Willa mutters belligerently, tearing my hand away from her pussy. Then snapping her thighs shut like the bars on a prison cell– or the gates to Hell. “I worked for it. I’m keeping it.”

  “You are seriously psychotic!” I step away, walking in a tight circle while yanking at my own hair. “Knowing you, it’s your fertile time, you hillbilly bitch.” I stop, stepping right up into her face. Pointing toward the living room, “That’s my goddamned brother, you cunt! Do you have any idea how violated I feel right now? Do you?”

  Hands folded protectively over her lap, “I reckon I might understand,” Willa says all prim and proper, voice filled with false innocence.

  “Why didn’t you just get it from my brother?” I bellow into her face, not giving a shit if Donny hears me or not. “Your HUSBAND?”

  “You want me,” Willa challenges. “Don’t deny it.”

  “I haven’t denied that… but this?!?” I throw my hands up in the air, completely at a loss of what to do.

  “Donny shoots blanks,” Willa interrupts my freak-out. “His previous wives left because they wanted children. I’ve had five monthlies,” she reminds me, looking at me like I’m the one who betrayed her. “You tucked tail and ran away after you saw me last, and you never finished yer end of the bargain.”

  Head cocked sideways, eyes narrowed, “What are you talking about?”

  “Sean. You promised to take care of Sean. But Donny wouldn’t tell you, would he?” she accuses. “I held up my end, using the knowledge you gave me. But two seconds after I started touching myself, Donny yanked out and hasn’t touched me since. I keep getting beat because I’m not pregnant, and Donny keeps getting beat because he won’t touch me.”

  “I-I-I-I…”

  “Momma said if Donny couldn’t get me with child, and if I wanted to protect myself and my husband at the same time, I best find somebody that no one would question once the kid popped out.”

  “I get why me.” I raise my arms, shaking my head left and right in exasperation. “I’m the schmuck who obviously has a hard-on for you and looks almost identical to your husband.”

  “Yer manlier than Donny.” Willa’s tone screams how much she likes that fact, and I ignore the effect it has on me.

  I mutter underneath my breath, “Why do the women in my life always drag me around by my balls?” My mind clears, and I get to the heart of the issue. “Why the fuck are either one of you allowing Sean to control you like this?”

  “Ask yer brother,” Willa mutters defiantly. “I don’t know. No matter how snoopy I am, I can’t figure it out.” Silently crying, she stares down at her hands clasped in her lap. “I’m sorry.” Her voice breaks, and it kills me. “I do like you, Royce. I want you bad for some reason. I have no control over what’s going on in my life, but this I had control over. Choosing you.”

  “Christ, girl.” My hand seeks the back of Willa’s neck. I slowly draw her closer to me until her forehead is resting against my chest. “I’m the one who’s insane. Somehow you managed to make me feel sorry for you, even after you stole from me.”

  Sounding pitiful, Willa whimpers as she pulls away. Arm reaching backward, she pulls her frothy blonde hair to the side, and then dips the back of her dress down, exposing her back.

  Faint lash marks have me seeing red. Violent rage comes to a boil in my blood. My fists clench at my sides. “Why?” I cry out, voice breaking.

  “Yer brother’s back looks worse. But Donny promises Sean will leave me alone as soon as I get pregnant. So that’s the only why I give a shit about, Royce.”

  Seething, I stomp from the bathroom, leaving Willa behind. The first thing I see is my brother’s face wearing a goddamned satisfied smirk. I tear the remote out of his hand, silencing the deafening game, and then I toss it to the coffee table with a clack.

  “Why?” I demand, pulling no punches. “You set me up. You called me up here to fuck your wife. Why?” I demand again while leaning over his recliner.

  “Don’t ask why; just do it,” Donny challenges me back. “Do it for Willa and me and you. Do it because you want to fuck her. Do it because you didn’t see the look on your face when you met her. Do it because you’d get off on knowing you put a kid in her gut. I don’t give a fuck why you do it, but you have to,” he pleads.

  “I’m not a prostitute!” I bellow. “I’m not your wife’s studhorse. I’m not going to bring a kid into this world and allow you to raise it.”

  “Your kid,” Donny promises. “Sean just has to think it’s mine. That’s it.”

  “WHY?” I scream so loudly the vein in my forehead threatens to burst. “Goddammit, why?”

  Lunging from his recliner, Donny pushes me backward out of his space. Hands tearing at his t-shirt, my brother strips himself from the waist up. “This good enough of a reason for ya?” he demands, facing away from me. “There’s your why. I’m protecting you, you fucking idiot!”

  “Donny… no…” My fingertips reach out to light on the lash marks marring my brother’s back. Raw, puckered, and angry looking, he has to be in immeasurable pain.

  My brother is one of the softest people I’ve ever met. So small and harmless– helpless. Why would anyone ever want to injure him?

  “Get Sean out of our lives,” I demand, voice hoarse and raspy. “Corbin would gladly do it, I bet. What hold does he have over you?”

  Ignoring my questions and the pain in my eyes, my brother pulls his t-shirt back over his head, covering up the evidence. “Make a kid, say it’s mine, but it being yours protects us all. Just do it, and enjoy it.” Suddenly chipper, yawning widely while stretching, “I think I better hit the hay, brother. Don’t go driving home– you’ve had too much to drink. Stay up, watch the game. Willa will keep you company.”

  Playing pretend, my brother acts like he didn’t just order me to spend the night because I had one beer over an hour ago, all because he wants me to impregnate his wife for him.

  I drop onto the adultery couch. Head in my hands, my mind mulls over the biggest decision of my entire life.

  Present

  “I gather you decided to do as your brother bid,” Dr. Cassidy states the obvious. “Did you ever regret it?”

  Mind and body experiencing the same conflicting, disorienting emotions as I did way back then, “No– never,” I answer honestly. “Only now have I realized why Sean wanted Donny to procreate so badly, yet I still don’t know why Donny went along with it.”

  “But you did it for your brother, no questions answered?” the doctor fishes for answers of her own.

  “Donny’s my brother. I wasn’t the same man I am today. I was lonely. A bit lost without Annie tugging me around by the balls. It was the blind leading the blind. I did it for a million reasons that don’t matter.”

  “Did you ever blame Willa for essentially raping you?” Dr. Cassidy crosses a line.

  “Don’t!” I threaten, causing Willa to grab a pillow and clutch it for dear life. “Don’t ever categorize what happened in that bathroom to rape. I wanted Willa; she wanted me. If I didn’t want her hands on my spunk, then I shouldn’t have allowed her to milk it out of me. I know rape,” I fiercely bit out. “And that wasn’t it.”

  Trying to calm myself while reassuring Willa, I reach over to take
her hand in mine. Dr. Cassidy misses nothing. “There was never a kernel of blame you felt for Willa? None at all? Even when you were calling her a thieving hillbilly bitch?”

  “Truth be told, I was furious with her. But more so with Donny. I was frustrated. Lost. Helpless. Feeling out of control. All of it made me hate Sean. But I never blamed Willa, not one iota. She was a young woman in an impossible position. No one should be beaten. Ever.” I squeeze her hand. “Willa did what she had to do in order to survive.”

  “Are you saying neither one of you enjoyed it?” Dr. Cassidy sounds incredulous as all get out. “That it didn’t take more than once to create the twins? That some part of you didn’t get high off the thrill of something so… what was the word Willa used? Depraved?”

  9 years ago

  “We don’t have to,” Willa’s voice is solid, resolved– more mature than her few years. She settles in Donny’s recliner. “I don’t want to do to you what everyone has been doing to me. I’m not a monster.”

  Leaning forward on the couch cushion, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, my eyes peer up to connect with Willa’s. Swallowing thickly, I can’t get my tongue to release the words I haven’t thought yet… I just…

  “Sean was here a few minutes before you showed up, that’s what had Donny and me acting like we were losing our minds. I was wrong, and I’ll admit it.”

  Whispering, unable to speak with any volume at all, “I’m terrified you’ll go find some man and he’ll hurt you, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  “I won’t– I promise.” Willa wrings her hands together in her lap, skin turning white from blood loss. “It was you or no one for me. Even if Donny had demanded someone else, I would’ve kick him in the nuts and ran back to Gillette Holler.”

  Head cocked to the side, I try to reason that out. “Why haven’t you, then?”

  “Daddy’s loyal to Donny,” Willa explains color to the blind. “I’m guessing they’re close like brothers. So I can’t do that to Donny, ‘cuz Daddy wouldn’t let me live it down.” She gazes up, staring me dead-on. “I care about Donny, Royce. He’s a real sweet man, and I don’t want to see him get hurt, either. I know I’m strong enough to take it– he ain’t.”

  Leaning forward, my palm glides across my neck to rub at my hair. “Shit,” I hiss. “I don’t know what to do here, Willa. If we were just talking sex… If I’d met you under different circumstances, I doubt I could have stopped myself from being with you. But you’re my brother’s wife– his buddy’s daughter. But even with all that, I could survive the guilt of sex… but kids? Kids are a whole ‘nother ballgame, and I don’t think I can handle that shit.”

  Willa releases a bizarre laugh– sardonic, dark, and filled with agony. “I don’t think I’m capable of making a decision here, Royce. My instincts are telling me to take you on the sofa. Just hold you down and ride you until you give me what I want. But then I think of what might come next… and I’m terrified.”

  “Forget the sex… that’s the easy part.” I get down to the real matter at hand. “Why kids? Do you even like kids?”

  “I always wanted kids,” Willa says without a lick of hesitation. “I guess now’s as good a time as any.”

  “You’ve met my son… Christ!” My hands have a mind of their own, almost rubbing the hair off the top of my skull in a mix of indecision and frustration. “Does Donny even get what he’s asking of me? To make a kid with you, and pass it off as his? To not raise it myself? To not allow my son to have his brother or sister? I don’t think I can do that, Willa. I just can’t.”

  Back straightening, looking like she doesn’t need anyone to protect her, and it’s so far from the truth. “Okay,” Willa relents in a voice filled with strength and resolve. “I get it, and I respect it.”

  “What does Sean want with Donny’s kid? I mean… if I do this, I can’t have some man who’s whipping my brother and sister-in-law getting his hands on my child. I would kill a man over that shit. The thought…” Bile rises in my throat. “The thought of some asshole touching Bren the way my uncle touched me and Donny, or the violent way your daddy touched you.”

  “I know why Sean wants the kid, and I know what hold he has over Donny,” Willa finally admits. “And you best not try to get your brother to tell ya, ‘cuz he’s incapable right now. It’s why it’s me talking with ya and not him. But I can assure you, Sean won’t ever touch the baby once it’s born. It’s just the fact that it exists.”

  “Tell me,” I beg, practically beseeching. “Tell me why so I can fix it.”

  “There’s no fixing it,” Willa utters, sounding as if she wishes it wasn’t the case. “It’s something Donny has to work through himself. So we’re gonna let him while we try to protect him from himself, while he protects us from Sean.”

  My head darts up, baffled. “A kid, though?”

  “I might be a hillbilly bitch, but I knows me some things.” The hurt in Willa’s voice has me flinching in shame for ever calling her that. “I ain’t ignorant. I learn quick. How I grew up taught me shit most will never learn. So if you consider this, we’re gonna iron out the details now, and Donny will stick with ‘em.”

  Smirking in the face of what’s going down, I feel ridiculous. “You have my brother by the balls, dontcha?

  “No, not me.” Willa shakes her head back and forth, left to right, muttering no underneath her breath. “Donny’s prey, and I ain’t. So I’m taking care of some things for him because I’m his wife.”

  “I have the oddest urge to thank you for that… insanity. I feel jealous, too.” Gulping for air, I finally realize I’m going to go through with this, no matter what Willa proposes, and it’s not entirely for altruistic reasons. I love my brother, but not that much. “This gives a whole new meaning to the word unconditional. Hit me with these details, Willa.”

  “You sure?” Willa’s being cautious, and it comforts me some. “You seem like the uptight, holier than thou citizen. I just don’t see you handling this well.” I nod my head quickly, before I can back out. “The kid’ll be yers. I’ll know it. You’ll know it. Donny’ll know it. We’ll do some type of bullshit that those rich yuppie folks use when they get a divorce. After it’s no longer on my teat, we’ll split its time equally.”

  “What about Brennan? What about the kid? Am I supposed to be Uncle Royce for life? I can’t handle that.” High wearing off, my voice breaks. “I can’t suffer with that.”

  “Once the threat passes…” Willa looks away from me, but before she turned, I saw her wheels spinning. If Donny doesn’t fix his shit, Willa will make sure somebody does. “I don’t know what’ll happen in the future, Royce. But I know if you want something, you have the brains and the means to get it. So don’t worry about a little, ignorant hillbilly bitch. I know in the end, if the shit splatters, I’ma be the mother without a kid.”

  “Willa,” I whisper softly. “Willa, don’t cry. Please,” I beg, voice dipping low. “We won’t do this.”

  “We have to,” Willa pleads, leaning forward, voice reaching out to me. “We have to. Donny’s my husband– my daddy’s buddy. He’s yer brother. And right now some asshole is controlling him, and controlling us through him. So if Donny wants something, we’ve got to do it. Because just like you, he’s smart and he’s got a lot of money, but he’s older and easily misled. I ain’t got no power here, and you’ve got a lot to lose. Trust me on that, Royce. You have the most to lose.”

  Willa’s cryptic words trickle into my mind, confusing me yet giving me the courage to do what I do next. I lean back on the couch, shuffling down until my ass is at the edge of the cushion. Comfortable with my lap exposed, I open my arms in invitation.

  When she hesitates, with my eyebrow raised, I mutter wryly, “Thought you said something about holding me down on this here adultery couch and riding me.”

  “Adultery couch?” Willa’s snort is feminine and cute, and it makes me laugh at how fucked up we both are. “That’ll work. I’ve been imagi
ning this moment since I met ya.”

  Sashaying toward me, Willa makes the ten foot span feel like a mile. Nervous, I lean back, rubbing sweaty palms on my jeans. Until the day I die, maybe even from the grave, nothing will ever be sexier yet more terrifying than Willa Kennedy in a virginal white dress. Nothing.

  Moving quickly, Willa straddles me on the couch, sitting astride my thighs. In thickening silence, we stare at one another in challenge. My heart is beating in my throat, deafening me to everything but the steady rhythm of my blood gushing through my veins.

  Light-headed, feeling foggy, I experience a high like no other. In the face of making the worst mistake in my life, I feel invigorated and alive.

  Eyes locked, neither one of us moving, we’re competing in a standoff. Who will make the first move? Who wants it more? Who is terrified but not a coward? Who will flinch?

  Blue eyes wide and wild, I can practically hear Willa’s blood rushing through her body, eclipsing the sound of my own.

  Time has reached a standstill. We lick our lips in mirrored unison, and it’s almost laughable. Holding our breath…

  There’s no going back.

  We collide like two forceful storm clouds creating a thunderhead, with violence and darkness, and bright flashes of angry electricity that will raze the land to the ground. But when the fire dies out, the land will be reborn.

  Attacking me with ferocity, Willa tears my t-shirt from my back, fingernails scoring my skin with the painful bite of passion. There’s no denying we both want this more for ourselves than to get Donny out of trouble.

  Gasping for air, I grip Willa’s hands before she can remove that white dress. “No, I want this on you,” rasps from my throat in a voice I don’t recognize. “This goddamned dress is a fantasy I didn’t know I even had.”

  Naughty, Willa’s lips curl into a smirk, like she caught on to that fact before I did. “Depraved,” I drawl, leaning forward.

  Wrapping my palm around the nape of Willa’s neck, my fingers trailing around her throat, I yank her lips to mine. Mouths open, tongues fighting, I kiss her like I’ve kissed no other, cementing how she’s just as much mine as I’m now hers.