“We’re going to put the stitches in and you’re going to heal. That’s what I want for you.”
“I want that too.” She steps closer to me, and I find myself holding my breath. “I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”
“You already aren’t, Kaia.”
“You used my first name again.”
I smile. “It isn’t the time for formalities.”
She smiles back, and I have to fight the urge to touch her face. I think she’s more beautiful than she even knows. She finally looks away, and I exhale slowly and quietly, watching her pick up her handbag.
“I’ll call the car for you,” I say. “It’ll just be a few minutes.”
She nods, saying nothing.
“Do you need some water?”
“No. I just need to lie down. That was exhausting.”
“I’m sure.”
“But I feel like, I don’t know, like something changed for me. Inside, you know?”
“I do know. That’s why I want you to have time to yourself. So you can process that.”
“I understand.” She turns to walk away, but then pauses, looking back at me. “I know that you said you don’t think touching is good between you and your clients.”
I nod.
“I just want to say, uh,” I watch her swallow hard. “That I know you did that for me because I needed you to. Just like last night. I really appreciate it.”
“Sometimes it’s necessary to bend the rules.”
She smiles and nods. “I’ll see you later, I guess.”
“Not tonight. You need your rest, but I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
She leaves my office, and I close my eyes, leaning on my desk. I can’t see her tonight. I need the space to remind myself of my role in her life. I can’t desire her like I do and still be the one to help her heal. I must remember that. No matter how she looks at me with those beautiful, haunting eyes. No matter how palpable the desire between us. No matter how badly I want to hold her again. I won’t give in. I can’t.
I STAND OUTSIDE ON THE SIDEWALK deeply inhaling the air. That was the most intense thing that’s ever happened to me. How does he pull it out of me like this? The car pulls up, and I slip inside. I’m thankful for the few days off. It would be impossible for me to continue with this chaos of emotions running through me right now.
I stare out the window during the short drive home. He knows exactly the right thing to say in the right moment. I close my eyes briefly. This is just week one. What will the rest of the time hold for me?
Arriving at the apartment, I step out of the car and walk inside, tapping on the front door when I reach it. Lina opens it and immediately, her face falls into concern for me.
“You poor dear, what happened to you?”
I smile. “It shows, huh?”
“You’ve been crying.”
“I’m okay. Just a productive session with the doctor.”
“Oh.” She smiles. “Are you hungry?”
“No.” I shake my head. “But I’ll eat.”
“Good. That will make the doctor happy.”
I nod as the thought comes over me how much I want that. “May I go to my room?”
“Yes, of course.” She leads me down the hall and opens the door for me.
As I sit on the couch, I replay today’s discussion in my mind. A thousand emotions run through me from anger to deep, painful sadness. All this time, I thought I was just the kind of woman that liked sex. I thought I wanted those interactions with Jim. I never realized he was feeding my loneliness. He brought warmth where there was only coldness in my life. He gave affection that my parents withheld. He encouraged the woman still trapped in a child. He created the monster I became. And my parents didn’t do a damn thing to help me.
I wipe the tears away that fall down my cheeks, surprised I have any left. I didn’t know I needed help. I didn’t know I was hurt. I’ve been nursing an infected wound for years, but the infection spread everywhere, landing in my heart, eating it away. I give in to the pain once more, sobbing loudly, knowing no one can hear me. I hope Dr. Scott can pull me back. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.
I WATCH HER, FEELING MY HEART TUG, as she sobs on the couch. I can’t hear her, thankfully. If I could, I know I would go to her. I wouldn’t be able to let her go. I exhale slowly. What is it about her that makes me want to protect her? Is it because she’s so big in attitude and so tiny in stature? Is it because I know that deep down inside, she’s been wounded so deeply and for so long, she doesn’t even remember what she felt like before? I shake my head. Or is it because I see myself in her?
She’s a work of art, that woman. The kind of art that breaks your heart to look at it, wondering what darkness was inside the artist that created her. She’s stunning and tragic and breathtaking and lost all at the same time. Someone took that beautiful sculpture and dropped her, shattering all her pieces on the floor, leaving the mess behind with no regard to clean it up. I want to take every tiny broken piece of her and hold them in my hands, patiently finding how each one fits back together again. I’ll smooth my fingers over her cracks, creating a new and even more beautiful image of what was there before. I won’t rest until she’s whole.
My phone rings invading my thoughts of the woman on the screen.
“Hi Karen,” I answer.
“Dr. Loren is here to see you.”
“Ah, send her in. Thank you.” I minimize my screen and wait for my colleague to enter the office. When she does, I stand, smiling. “Elizabeth, good to see you.”
“Oliver,” she says smiling. “Got a few minutes?”
“Absolutely. What’s going on?”
“Ah,” she rolls her eyes, smiling. “I got a doozy and thought I’d get some advice from you.”
I rub my hands together. “You know I like to crack the tough ones.”
She laughs. “That’s why I’m here.”
We sit in the armchairs as she tells me about her client that can only get it up if his wife humiliates him.
“So, is the problem that the wife doesn’t want to?” I ask.
“Well, she was okay with it on occasion, but he literally can’t get going if she doesn’t call him terrible things.”
“Is that what pushed him to therapy?”
“No. He presented her with a new idea and she declined, telling him he-needed-help-or-else, kind of thing.”
“A new idea?”
“Yeah, he wanted her to bring another man home and watch them while he received humiliation.”
“Ah, classic escalation, really.”
“Indeed. Needless to say, she’s not interested.”
“So, what’s your challenge? You can handle this.”
“Well, I thought I could, but,” she pauses, shaking her head. “He’s just not responding to anything.”
“Has the wife joined any sessions?”
“Yes, she’s angry, disgusted. She’s not aroused by seeing her husband like that. She doesn’t know what to do.”
“Well, perhaps it’s time for extreme tactics.”
“I was wondering what you thought about that. Do I go all out now and send him to camp?”
“I think so. He needs complete saturation.”
“Too much of a good thing.”
“Exactly. A week of intense immersion should do it.”
She nods. “I’ve only had to do this once before. It took the guy five days to crack.”
“Sometimes they can take a lot.”
“It’s amazing when you see it.”
“I agree,” I say, thinking back on Kaia’s strength.
“Okay, well, I guess that’s what we’ll try next. I’ll have to get the wife on board. Convincing her to send him to a dominatrix that breaks submissive should be fun.”
I laugh. “Be prepared to give her facts and ensure her it has nothing to do with sex. He won’t even want to look at his own penis when gets home.”
Elizabeth laughs. “So true.
”
“Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.” She pats my leg. “Got any meaty situations right now?”
“No,” I lie, not wanting to talk about Kaia. I’m afraid how I feel about her would show. “Just the usual stuff. I’m keeping a light schedule right now. I have another talk show appearance coming up, and I always get inundated afterwards.”
“Nothing bad about that. I envy your position. Use it for good.”
I chuckle. “I do my best. I went to Queens this week and did some free work at one of the group clinics. It’s exhausting work, but it always feels great to feel like you did some good for someone who could never afford traditional therapy.”
“I agree. I bet it’s also nice to work with some real people instead of some of the celebrities you get.”
“Yeah, it is. Lately it feels like all I get are fakers. They don’t really need me, they just want to look like they do.”
She nods. “And how are you? Needing any support?”
I smile. “No, I’m doing well.”
“Okay. You know I’m here if you need me. The work we do can take a lot out of us. You know that as much as anyone.”
I study the woman in front of me for moment. It’s nice to know she cares, like a mother looking out for her child. “I do. I’ve got it under control right now.”
“Good.”
“How’s Steve doing?”
“Oh, good. Just working a lot. Our twentieth anniversary is next week.” She grins. “Twenty great years.”
“Congrats. Quite an achievement.”
“It is. Lunch next month?”
“Definitely.”
“Okay. I’ll call.”
“Sounds good.” We stand and I hug my friend before showing her out.
I immediately look back at my computer. Taking a deep breath, I walk slowly to my desk, sit, and click the mouse. Kaia’s lying on the couch, staring outside. I can tell she isn’t crying anymore and I’m glad. Lina enters the picture, carrying a tray, and Kaia follows her to the table to eat. That makes me happy. I close it out and try to focus on the rest of my day.
“THANK YOU,” I SAY to Lina as she puts down a large meal in front of me. I survey the options of fruit, chicken salad, bread rolls, and a bowl of raw veggies. “Looks good.”
“It’s the doctor’s favorite lunch. A perfect meal he says.”
“It is perfect.”
Lina smiles, lingering as I fix my plate. I can tell she’s worried about me. So sweet since she doesn’t really know me.
“I’m okay,” I say, assuring her. “Therapy brings things to the surface that have to be dealt with.” I look up at her. “But Dr. Scott is helping me through it.”
“He will be here for you through all of it.”
I nod. “How long have you worked for him?”
“Oh, let’s see,” she says, staring at the ceiling for a moment. “Five years almost.”
“It must be a good job?”
“Oh yes. He’s a very good boss. He’s particular, but once you know what he wants, it’s easy to make him happy.”
“Happy,” I repeat. “Is he?”
“Happy?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know. He’s private. I don’t know what his personal life is like.”
“But you’re here most of the time.”
“Yes.” She nods. “I probably shouldn’t talk to you about him. I don’t think he would like it.”
I smile. “I was just curious what he’s like outside of his work.”
She looks around as if she’s worried he can hear her. “I don’t think he has anything outside of his work, Miss Kaia.” Her voice is quiet. “I’ve never seen him go on a date or anything. He has friends, but I don’t think he’s close to any one in particular. I’ve always wondered why such a kind, handsome man doesn’t have a nice lady in his life.”
“I see.”
“I think his work fulfills him and that’s why he throws himself into it. I don’t know about the rest.”
I nod. “He’s very good at what he does.”
“I’ve heard,” she says smiling. “Please don’t tell him we talked about him.”
“I won’t. I appreciate it though.”
“Enjoy your lunch, Miss Kaia. I’m in the kitchen if you need anything else.”
“Don’t you wonder why he locks me in here? Isn’t that weird to you?”
“I don’t concern myself with his methods. If he thinks it’s the right thing to do, then it is. You aren’t being held against your will.”
“No, not at all. It’s for my safety.”
Lina sits and takes my hand in hers. “I know what kind of work Dr. Scott specializes in. Everyone does.” She smiles. “But I don’t think about the details. It’s none of my business. I don’t judge you or think about what got you here. I’m just glad that if you needed help that you found Dr. Scott.”
“Me too.”
“Finish eating and then rest.”
“I will. Thanks again.”
I eat my meal, feeling better with each bite. After I finish, I decide to go up to the gym and run. I haven’t done it in ages, but I remember it was always a good way to clear my mind when things got to be too much.
After changing clothes, I walk up the stairs, past the pool, and into the gym. Turning on the treadmill, I start my run overlooking the New York city skyline. If I can’t get better in this environment, I don’t know where else I could.
AFTER MY SHOWER, I lay in bed, cooling myself under the fan. I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him in some sort of strange way. He makes me feel calm and the way he seems to know what I’m thinking all the time somehow normalizes the messy landscape of my mind. I don’t feel so broken when he’s near, like he’s putting me back together, piece by piece. I laugh softly. I guess you have to completely deconstruct the old before you can rebuild the new.
I look at the clock on my nightstand and laugh. Seven o’clock and I’m in bed. Oh well, I need the rest. I close my eyes, ready for sleep.
THE NEXT MORNING, I knock softly on the door before entering. I find her sound asleep still, the morning light not stirring her yet. I watch her for several minutes, breathing softly, her hair a tangled mess on the pillow. The blankets don’t cover her completely and I want to touch her, run my hands over her exposed flesh. I swallow hard. I want to do so much to her. She trusts me, believing I could never hurt her, but I could. I would if given the chance. If I forgot what I was here for and gave in, I would do terrible things to her. I would break her trust and her belief that not every man wants to have sex with her.
I take a deep breath, regaining my composure. I won’t forget who I am. I will prove to her, and myself, that she came to the right place.
I walk around the other side of the bed and gaze at her face. God, she’s gorgeous. She doesn’t need a stitch of makeup. Doesn’t need expensive clothes or fancy hairstyles. She’s perfect stripped completely bare. Looking at her right now, no one would ever know what she’s been through or how much pain courses through her veins. She looks like a raven haired angel.
I sit on the edge of the bed, unable to stop myself from touching her hair, her shoulder, her cheek. Her eyes flutter open, and she smiles at me.
“Morning,” she whispers.
“Did you sleep well?”
She nods. “I did.” She rolls over, not covering herself when the blanket falls away from her naked form. She stretches her arms above her head.
“You’re very comfortable with me, aren’t you? You don’t care that I can see your body?”
“You’ve seen it before.”
“I have.”
“Nudity doesn’t faze me. I think it’s natural and that society has made it bad.”
“True, but it can lead to things we wish to avoid.”
“Like desire?”
“Yes.”
“I know, but you know how to handle me if I get out of control.”
“I do.”
I hold her gaze, wondering why she isn’t intimidated by me. She’s doesn’t even question why I’m sitting next to her in her bed. “I came to have breakfast with you.”
She smiles. “I’ll get up and dress.” She sits up. “Unless you don’t want me to.”
“Dress?”
“I could stay like this.”
I smile softly. “As nice as that sounds, I think it would be best if you put clothes on. What would Lina think?”
She laughs. “Ah, yes, that could be awkward.”
I take her hand and help her out of bed, watching her walk into the bathroom and close the door. Taking a deep breath, I move to the table. A few minutes later, Lina arrives with breakfast.
The bathroom door opens and Kaia emerges, her hair braided and her body clothed in a t-shirt and yoga pants. She smiles as she joins me at the table.
“Looks good,” she says, smiling at Lina.
“Eat up,” she says and then excuses herself.
“I’m glad you’ve been eating well,” I say.
“It’s easy when it’s given to me.” She takes a bite of toast. “What do you have planned for today?”
“I’m going to work. I need to prepare for a television interview coming up soon.”
“What’s it about?”
“They want me to be a guest where they have self diagnosed addicts on. I’m reading up on the background of each person so I can understand that situation.”
“Makes sense.” She nods and then touches my hand lightly. “I’m curious about something. Are you happy?”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
“It’s a simple question. I’m sure your work does a lot for you, but what about the rest of your life?”
I smile. “We’re not going to talk about my life. Not today at least.”
“Did it make you happy to watch me sleep?”
I hold back a grin. “It did. You looked peaceful, and I hope I’ve been a part of that.”
“You are all of that.”
“Be careful not to give me all the credit. You’re doing the hard work. I’m just here to bring it to the surface.”
She nods. “I know.” I watch her pop a piece of melon in her mouth and chew. “It’s just that I wouldn’t be able to do it if you weren’t pushing me.”
Break Me Down Page 8
