“That’s what I’m here for.” I sip my coffee. “We need to talk about meeting with your parents soon.”
“I know.”
“I was thinking, perhaps, we could invite them to the office in a safe environment.”
Kaia’s smile quickly dissolves. “I like it here without them. Especially him.”
“I would have rules. They can’t come here to the guest suite. They can’t contact you outside of therapy hours.” I reach out and touch her hand. “You can’t get better unless it’s addressed.”
“I’m not ready.”
“I know. I want you to start thinking about it.” I squeeze her hand and release it. “Then we’ll discuss it when you’re ready.”
She nods. “I have a question.”
“Sure.”
“How will I know when I’m cured?”
“Cured is a strange word. I prefer to think of it as recovery.”
“Like once you’re an alcoholic, you always will be?”
“Different. Alcoholics can never have liquor again.” I smile. “We’ll just be working on having and viewing sex in a healthy light, but certainly not abstaining for the rest of your life.”
“That’s good. I might have to leave right now if that was the goal.” She smiles. “I’m kidding.”
“I know.”
“Okay, so how will I know I’m in recovery?”
“You’ll know when you’re able to handle situations you previously couldn’t. For example, Kyle on the plane. I sense there was a part of you that knew you shouldn’t give in, but the opportunity was too exciting to you to let go.”
“Yes.”
“When you’re better, you would be able to decline an offer like that, knowing it’s not in your best interest.”
“So, am I gonna be like boring and normal? No excitement, no spontaneity?”
“How long did the excitement of what you were doing with him last?”
Her lips tug into a smirk. “Good point.”
“How long?”
“Minutes, maybe.” She stirs her yogurt. “But when it was over, I felt so much better.”
“Physically, perhaps.”
“Yeah.”
“Wouldn’t you like to feel good knowing you didn’t need any superficial interaction with a stranger to get it? Wouldn’t you like a real connection with someone?”
“Yes. That’s why I’m here.”
I watch her slowly pull the spoon from her lips. She looks up at me, flashing those stunning green eyes through long, luscious lashes.
“What?” she asks.
“Nothing.”
“Are you sure?”
“You are…” I pause, considering my words. “You are really spectacular. Seriously, so beautiful. I find it hard not to stare at you.”
She smiles softly, looking away from me.
“Did I upset you? I only meant to compliment you.”
“No,” she says, looking up again. “It’s just that…” She chuckles. “I’ve been told I’m beautiful thousands of times in my life. When I was a little girl, strangers would stop my parents and comment on my eyes, my skin, my hair. I’ve always known that I was physically striking.”
“So it doesn’t mean anything to you to hear it.”
“Just now, it felt like the most genuine thing I’ve ever heard, like it was the first time anyone has ever told me. Maybe because I know you wouldn’t say it unless you meant it. You had to put your guard down to tell me, and I know you’re not trying to get in my bed. You just wanted me to know that you think that.”
I nod. “I wanted you to understand why I can never take my eyes off of you.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Truly, thank you for telling me.”
“You’re welcome.” My eyes search hers, and I have an undeniable urge to kiss her. “I have to go.”
“I know.”
I stand, placing my napkin on the table. I want to walk away, but I find it hard to leave her. She looks up at me and reaches out, taking my hand in hers, and I allow it.
“If you have something to tell me, you can, Dr. Scott. I’m a good listener.”
“I don’t.”
She stands and steps close to me. Reaching up, she just barely brushes her fingers against my cheek, causing me to close my eyes for a moment.
“If you want to hold me or kiss me, you can.”
“I can’t, Kaia.”
“You won’t, I know. You won’t give yourself permission to cross the line. I just wanted you to know that if you did want to, I want to. I wouldn’t say no.”
I clear my throat. “There’s a thing that happens sometimes in therapy. It’s called transference. It’s easy to mistake your feelings for affection because of the intimate nature of our sessions. It commonly happens to patients.”
“Does it commonly happen to doctors?”
“I don’t want to kiss you.”
“No?” She tilts her head. “I guess I was wrong.” She lets my hand go and sits back at the table.
I shake my head, clearing my mind. “I’ll stop by later to check on you.”
“I’ll be here.” She smiles. “I wouldn’t leave even if I could.”
“No?”
“I like it here.”
“Good to know.”
“See you later, Doctor.”
“You will.”
I walk towards the door, but look back at her, knowing she hasn’t taken her eyes off of me. She smiles and lifts her glass of orange juice to me as I exit. She’s getting under my skin and what’s worse, she fucking knows it.
ONCE HE’S GONE, I exhale, rubbing my forehead. How would I know the difference between real feelings and the ones I might be feeling because of our sessions? I can’t imagine that all his interactions with his clients are as intimate as ours are. I smile recalling how he watched me sleep, the warmth in his eyes when I woke up, the hunger when he looks at my body. There’s no way I’m imagining all of this. He wants me. I know it.
I stand and walk to the windows, looking out into the early morning. He’ll never give in while I’m in therapy. Never. Even if he is attracted to me, he won’t cross the line. All I can hope for is once the program is over, he might see me as an option, not just a patient.
I catch him walking outside and getting into the limo, but just before he does, he looks up at the window. Can he see me all the way up here? Does he know I’m watching him? I sigh and look back at the notebook sitting on the coffee table. Maybe it would help to journal about him. About all of it. It could help make sense of my jumbled emotions. Maybe then I could stop thinking about the gorgeous man slowly saving my life.
I walk to the couch and sit down, picking up the notebook, and staring at the blank page. Taking a deep breath and start writing.
HOURS LATER, MY HAND is cramping, my eyes are blurry from tears, and my head hurts from too many painful memories. When I stop and really think about how I’ve lived my life, it breaks what’s left of my heart. So many faces I don’t remember. Just men who saw me as an easy lay. And I was. Confusing my behavior for power, for confidence, believing I was in charge, when in reality, I just made it easy for men to use me. I made it convenient for them. They didn’t have to try. They didn’t have to work for it. No dinner, no need to buy my drinks, or romance me. Hell, most of the time, I didn’t even bother to get their name or at least remember it.
I sob as more words come. I’ve never been on a romantic date. Never had flowers given to me or a card filled with sweet words. No one’s ever held me and told me it was going to be okay. I wouldn’t allow it. I’m the girl that leaves before the sun comes up. No awkward mornings for me.
I wonder what it would feel like to go on a date, eat dinner, and talk about things that have nothing to do with sex. What would it be like to be dropped off at my door with a goodnight kiss on the cheek and no expectation for more? How would it feel for a man to call me just to tell me he missed the sound of my voice? To get a text saying he cou
ldn’t wait to see me again.
I wipe my face and lower my head. Oh my God. I get it now. I want to be in love and loved back, but I’m so damn scared of it, I make sure no man could ever see me as anything other than the slut I acted like. I look around my large bedroom wishing Dr. Scott was here. I need him.
SITTING AT MY DESK, I can’t take my eyes off of her. I can only imagine what she’s going through right now as she writes and writes in her journal, clearly distraught. I want to go to her. I need to.
I lift the handset of my phone and dial my driver, instructing him to pick me up. I’ll have lunch with her and see if she wants to talk about it. It’s a lot to process for her I’m sure.
A few minutes later, I’m sitting in the backseat, anxiously waiting to arrive home. When we arrive, I walk inside and ride the elevator to my floor. I have to remember to guard how I know she’s struggling. I can’t let on that I watch her. All goddamn day.
I open the door to a surprised Lina sitting on the couch. She jumps up, grabbing her iPad.
“Dr. Scott! I wasn’t expecting you.”
“What were you doing?”
“Oh, um.” She holds the iPad close. “I was just taking a break.”
I smile. “What were you watching?”
“Oh, you don’t want to know that.”
“I do.” I walk towards her and take the object in her hand, laughing when I see what’s playing. “Spanish soap operas?”
She grins, sheepishly. “That’s my favorite one. I’ve watched since I was a little girl.”
“Well, don’t miss it on my behalf. I came to check on Miss London.”
“She’s very quiet today.”
I nod. “I expected that.”
“She seems to be such a sweet girl, but…” Lina pauses, shaking her head.
“But?”
“It makes me sad when I see her. I can tell she’s so hurt. I hope you’ll make her better.” She smiles. “I want to see what she looks like when she’s happy.”
“So do I.” I glance down the hallway. “I’m doing what I can to help.”
“I know. She came to the right place. If anyone can heal her broken heart, it’s you.”
“I hope so. I’m going to check on her now. We’ll have lunch in her room.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
I walk down the hallway to her wing and then tap softly on her door. There’s no answer, so I open it, approaching her quietly. She stares out the windows, pain etched all over her face.
“Kaia?”
“I get it now,” she says, softly. “All of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I consider myself an intelligent woman,” she says, still staring straight ahead. “I don’t know how I couldn’t see it sooner.”
“See what?” I walk around the couch so that I’m facing her. “Tell me.”
She looks up and her eyes are filled with so much sadness it’s hard not to look away.
“It’s always been about love,” she begins, quietly. “I’ve never had enough of it. So when Jim gave me affection, I mistook it for love. At a young age, I decided that’s how men showed their love. I needed someone to love me, so I just kept finding men who would give it to me. Or at least what I thought it was.” She wipes the tears that slide down her cheek as I sit next to her.
“It’s ironic that the one thing I’ve been trying to find my whole life will never come to me because I don’t let it. I don’t let people get close to me. I don’t go on dates. I never see the same guy twice, no matter how good my experience with him was. I know why now.” Her voice cracks, and I take her hand in mine.
“Tell me,” I say again.
“I’m damaged goods, Doctor. I created this image of an independent, sexually aggressive woman because then I could hide behind her. I could pretend that I didn’t need love or affection, that all I wanted was to get off.”
I nod, rubbing her hand to encourage her.
“I don’t let anyone close so they never find out it’s all a lie. So that they don’t know that I believe all I have to offer is what’s between my legs. So they don’t see that I’m just a little girl inside who has no idea how to feel better. I’m afraid that if someone got to know me, there’s no way he could love me. So I don’t even give them the chance.”
Her breath catches on her sobs. “I can't believe I couldn’t see it sooner. It’s never been about sex. It’s always been about love.”
I pull her into my arms, holding her close as she cries. It’s always about love. I rub her back, her hair, her arms, shushing her and telling her it’s okay. Finally she looks up at me with tear stained eyes.
“Will anyone ever be able to love someone like me?”
I cup her face, gazing into her eyes. “Of course, Kaia. You’re not a bad person just because you got lost on the way. You’re worthy of love.”
“Am I? Then why…” her bottom lip quivers as she tries to get the words out. “Why can’t my own parents love me?”
She buries her face in my chest again as more sobs take over. She’s falling apart in my arms, and I’m just glad I came home to be here for her so she didn’t have to go through this alone.
“I’ve got you now, Kaia,” I whisper into her hair, holding her close. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get you better. You’re going to be fine.” I kiss the top of her head, unable to fight the urge to comfort her. “I’ve got you.”
She wraps her arms around my waist and squeezes me. I can feel her breathing calm, but I can’t let her go. It feels so good to hold her. She’s warm and smells incredible. I close my eyes, trying to remember the last time I held a woman in my arms before Kaia entered my life. When was the last time I wanted to? I don’t want to stop. I lean back against the cool, white leather of the sofa and just hold her.
I OPEN MY EYES and look around, realizing I’m still in Kaia’s room. Looking down, I see her curled up in my lap sound asleep. I must have drifted off too. I stroke her hair, removing it from her face. Her face is so innocent when she sleeps, all the swagger of the confident girl facade hidden away behind the sweet girl she really is. The girl she was before that bastard took it away from her. Before her parents shamed her for something that wasn’t her fault. Right now, she’s just Kaia. I glance behind me, noticing our lunch on the table. Lina was here and saw this. I smile. She knows Kaia’s different, just like I know.
I carefully lift her from my lap, but she grips my waist, pulling close again.
“Kaia,” I whisper. “Wake up, sweet girl.”
She blinks several times, adjusting to the afternoon light in the room. She twists around, looking up at me. She doesn’t smile, and I find myself missing that. Craving it. She’s breathtaking when she smiles.
“Don’t leave me,” she says.
“I’m not going to.”
She nods and slowly sits up, running her fingers through her hair. Staring out over the city, she takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to cry anymore.”
“There’s nothing wrong with crying.”
“I know.” She turns and looks at me. “But I’m done mourning the past. I cried for the little girl I was, for how things should’ve been. I just want to work on now. I want to be better and I want control of my life. Real control.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“I’m glad. Thank you.”
“It’s my pleasure.” I release her hand. “Why don’t you take a shower and then we’ll eat lunch?”
“You won’t leave?”
“Not if you don't want me to.”
“I definitely don’t want you to. I feel calm when you’re near me, grounded, and I need that right now.”
I nod. “I’ll be here.”
“Thank you.” She stands and disappears into the bathroom. I take a deep breath. If I don’t watch myself, I’m going to cross a major line with her.
I SPLASH MY FACE with cool water while the shower heats up. I look pale and drawn. I feel like a bus
hit me, but also lighter, like I lost 100 pounds in a week. I step into the shower and let the hot water surround me. Tilting my head up, I close my eyes, realizing how comfortable I was sleeping in his arms.
I finish my shower and wrap myself in a robe, stepping out into the main room again. Dr. Scott is sitting at the table, looking at his phone.
“Am I keeping you from work?” I ask as I approach.
He looks up, taking me in with his eyes, before responding. “No.” He sets the phone down. “Feel better?”
“I do.” I sit and take a huge gulp of water. “It’s a lot of work going through all of this. I must’ve written fifty pages over there.”
He nods. “I told you this would be a painful process, but I promise once the hurt diminishes, all that will be left is joy and happiness. It’ll be the best feeling in the world.”
I smile, slightly. “That would be new and different for me.”
“I’d love to see you happy, Kaia. It would make my day to see a truly joyful smile across your lips. It would make everything I do worth it to know your heart was healed. I want to see you in love, real love, with someone who takes you exactly as you are.”
I close my eyes, briefly, exhaling slowly.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I am. I was just wondering what that would feel like.” I look down at my hands. “Being in love. Do you know?” I ask, looking into his eyes.
“I think it’s different for everyone.”
“Yeah, that’s probably right.” I pop a grape in my mouth, chewing slowly. “You know how you told me I was beautiful?”
He nods.
“Has anyone ever told you that?”
He laughs softly. “That I’m beautiful? No, men aren’t beautiful, Kaia.”
“Some men are. A man can be perfectly masculine and still incredibly beautiful at the same time. You’re proof of that.”
“Thank you.” I notice as he swallows hard. “That’s a first for me.”
I smile. “It’s a first for me to think it. I’ve already had a lot of those since I came here.”
Break Me Down Page 9
