“Is everything going alright?”
“It’s fine. You need to call Dr. Scott when you can come since my phone is off.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.” I hang up and look at Oliver. “He’ll look at his calendar and call when he can come.”
He smiles. “Good.” He leans against the desk, still holding my hand. “I really believe it will be a major turning point for you. You’ve done so well in such a short time.”
“Maybe I’ll be better before the thirty days is up.”
His forehead furrows. “You’re free to go whenever you wish.”
“That's not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“I just meant…” I sigh. “Is that what you want? You want me to go?”
“Not at all.”
I nod. “I don’t either. I like it here.”
He smiles. “What am I gonna do with you?”
“Whatever you think is best, Doctor.”
He pats my hand, and then lets it go. “I think you should go home and think about what we discussed today.”
“Okay.”
“Have you thought about telling them that you’re an addict?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to. Is that necessary?”
“No. It’s not the same as substance abuse where people in your life should know. This can stay private.”
“I mean, it’s sort of implied, isn’t it? That’s what you do.”
“Yes, but,” he pauses, smiling. “Let’s just say that not all of my high profile cases are based in reality.”
“I see.”
“You’re really strong, Kaia. I know you’re gonna feel so much better once you get this off of you.”
I smile. “Get the tissues ready, Doc. It’s gonna be a tear jerker.”
“I’ll be here for you every moment. Just to be clear, they won’t be allowed to you take you away, not even for dinner. You’re still under my care.”
“I know.”
“You’re good?”
“I am. I’ll just rest and write in my journal.”
“Maybe you can take a swim later to relax.”
“Will I see you there?”
“Do you want to?”
I tilt my head. “I think you already know the answer to that.”
Oliver nods. “See you soon.”
I walk out and get in the car for the short drive home. This is not going to be easy, what I have to do, but I’ll never be completely healed if I don’t confront them. I just have to prepare myself for whatever his reaction might be.
“GOING FOR A SWIM?” Lina asks, clearing my dinner plate away.
“Yes, for a bit. Do you know if Dr. Scott is up there?”
“I don’t. He’s been in his study tonight.”
“Oh. Okay. I still don’t have a suit.”
Lina smiles. “I’m sure you’ll have your privacy.”
I nod. “Thank you. See you tomorrow.”
“Yes.” She turns to leave. “May I say something, Miss Kaia?”
“Sure.”
“I just want to say that it’s really nice having you here. For him.”
“What do you mean?”
“He comes out more. He spends time in different parts of the house. It’s good for him. It’s because of you.”
I smile. “Well, I guess that’s a good benefit then.”
“Yes, good night.”
“Bye.”
I smile and climb up the stairs to the pool. I hang my towel and jump in, swimming laps up and down the length. When I reach the edge, Oliver is standing over me, and I gasp in surprise.
“I’m so sorry I scared you.”
I laugh. “It’s okay.”
“Mind if I join you?”
“Not at all.”
He dives in the water and swims past me. I sit on the edge of the pool watching him, taking in how his muscles ripple through the water. God, he’s amazing. I wish he was mine. I wish so much I could wrap myself in his arms. I smile at the thought. I’d rather be cuddled than fucked? That’s a new one. He swims up to me and rests his arms on my knees.
“How was the rest of your day?” he asks.
“Good. I wrote.”
“So you’re ready?”
“As much as I’m gonna be.”
“You understand why this needs to happen, right?”
“Completely.”
“Good. I don’t want you to think the suffering is for no reason.”
“I don’t. I guess I just don’t want reality invading my life here. My little safe fantasy world where I get to go on dates with a handsome doctor.” I laugh softly. “I know it’s not real though, and eventually, I’ll have to face how things really are.”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
I look down at him and notice how he stares at my body. How desirous he looks.
“Oliver?” I ask, softly.
His eyes shoot up to meet mine. “I’m sorry. It’s hard not to stare at you.”
“It’s okay.” I smile. “It doesn’t bother me.”
“It’s wrong of me.”
“I’m naked. What else are you supposed to do?”
“You make a good point.”
“Do you want to touch me?” I part my legs slightly. “You can.”
“No, I won’t do that.”
“But do you want to?” I slide into the water and press against him. “Do you?”
“You should go back to your room now.”
“I know I should, but I don’t want to.” I reach down and lightly touch the bulge between his legs. “I want to see you.”
“I can’t, Kaia.”
“I want to touch you and taste you.”
He sighs and lifts my chin. “Please stop tempting me.”
“We can just pretend we’re normal people for a minute. You could just touch me once.”
I watch as his jaw twitches and suddenly his arms are around me, pushing me against the side of the pool. His mouth comes down hard on mine, and I quickly wrap around him in response. His lips move over my skin until he lifts me, sitting me down on the edge of the pool. I open my legs for him and he moves closer, so close. His fingers trace the outline of my sex, and I close my eyes, sighing. Suddenly, he stops and looks up at me.
“Is this what you want? You want me to go down on you? Fuck you on the edge of the pool?”
I nod. “I do want that. Very much.”
“Dammit, Kaia.” He shakes his head. “You’re making me want it too, but I can’t. It’ll fuck everything up if we go there. Can’t you see that? It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s that I can’t have you. Not even if you say I can.”
I slide into the water with him. “But if we both want it—”
“Kaia,” he says, cupping my face. “You beautiful, sexy, woman. You’re pushing me to my breaking point. Already my judgment has been compromised. I’ve crossed the line, touching you, kissing you.” He pulls me closer. “You can feel my desire right now.”
“But?”
“We can move past this. Yes, the desire between us is strong, but it's okay to feel it and not do anything about it. In fact, we have to. I want you to be well, healthy, and strong. I can’t help you get there during the day and fuck you at night. Can you understand that?”
I nod, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.”
He reaches under my arms and effortlessly lifts me from the water, sitting me on the edge before he climbs out. I smile at his strength.
“So did I.” He stands and helps me up before handing me my towel. “Go get some sleep.”
“Okay.” I turn to walk away, but he grabs my wrist and pulls me close.
“Under different circumstances, you couldn’t keep me off of you.”
I smile. “Thank you.”
I walk away, waving before going down the stairs. Back in my room, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling fan. Ah, if only those circumstances were different.
I SIT AT MY DESK, trying to will myself not to turn on the monitor, not to watch her, not to hope she breaks the rules. I sigh, knowing I’ll give in. I click and watch her lying in bed. She stares at the twirling ceiling fan. A few moments later, she pulls the blanket down and runs her hand over her breast, fiddling with her piercing. I swallow hard, wishing I could do that. Her hands move down her stomach and I wonder if she’s going to touch herself. Do it. Please do it.
Suddenly she stops and pulls the blanket up around her neck. She puts her arms on either side of her body and I can’t help but chuckle. She’s an obedient one. I can’t decide if that or her defiance is sexier to me.
I turn off the monitor and exhale. I know a lot about obsession. I know all the signs. I know how to help someone through it, but I can’t seem to stop myself from tumbling over the edge. At least I have a name for what’s wrong with me. Her name is Kaia.
THE NEXT MORNING, I’m running on the treadmill trying to get my thoughts in order. It’s hard knowing she’s just downstairs, likely naked, and that I could easily make her mine. I don’t know what the protocol is for this. I don’t know what to do.
A few minutes later, the door opens and Lina walks in. “Dr. Scott? Sorry to bother you.”
“What’s up?” I ask, stepping off the treadmill, and blotting my forehead with a towel.
“The phone in your office keeps ringing. I just thought it might be important.”
“Oh. I’ll go take a look. Thank you.” I follow her back downstairs wondering if it’s Kaia’s father.
Once back in my office, I check the voicemail and then shake my head. I return the call waiting for a moment while the producer answers.
“Sanders, speaking,” he answers.
“Sanders, Dr. Scott. I got your message about rescheduling my appearance on the show.”
“Oh, great. Sorry for the short notice. Could you be here tomorrow? We’ll take care of updating all the travel arrangements.”
“Great. I can make it work.”
“Thanks, man. We really appreciate it.”
“See you then.”
I hang up and lean back in the chair. Now I have to spend three days taping in Chicago when I thought it was going to be three weeks from now and I’d be through with Kaia’s treatment. This could be good for us though. We’re definitely bordering on something here. A separation, however brief, will allow us both a chance to clear our minds.
I decide to go see her and let her know my plans. Knocking softly on the door, I let myself in when she doesn’t answer. The room is empty, but I hear the sound of the shower. I want to walk in there and watch her. I love it when she doesn’t know my eyes are on her.
Instead, I sit on the couch. It would be wrong of me to go in her bathroom without her permission. Worse, that she likely wouldn’t mind. She might even invite me to join her and then I might say yes. I close my eyes. Then I might bend her over and fuck the shit out of her like I so desperately want to.
I wonder if she knew about me, what I’m really like, if she would still be attracted. Would she still trust so wholly. Instead of desire and longing in her eyes, would I see fear and disgust? Part of me wishes I could tell her, but the other part knows I can’t. I’d rather she fantasize about her ideal of me, then know how fucked up I truly am.
The bathroom door opens and she enters the room, completely naked. She smiles when she sees me, making no attempt to hide her body. I really love that about her.
“Morning,” she says.
“Hi.” I shift my eyes away. “Sorry to come in unannounced.”
“You’re always welcome. You know that.”
“Thank you. Would you like to have breakfast with me?”
“Of course.”
“I’ll let Lina know.”
“I’ll put clothes on.”
I smile. “That’s a good idea. As much as I enjoy looking at you.”
“I wish I could say the same.”
My eyes meet hers and, fuck, how I want to kiss her again. “Maybe someday,” I mumble, not meaning to aloud.
“A girl can hope.” She saunters back into the bathroom, leaving me barely able to breath.
I adjust the ubiquitous hard on that appears every time I’m around her. If I didn’t think she would catch me, I’d pull it out and take care of it again. Kaia appears moments later, wearing a tank top and shorts.
I walk to the nightstand and dial Lina letting her know where to bring breakfast, then we sit at the dining table.
“I have to go out of town for three days,” I say, watching her expression fall.
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry it’s such bad timing, but it was a reschedule.”
“I understand.”
“It’s for a show,” I explain.
She nods, and offers a slight smile.
“You seem sad about it.”
“I am sad, Oliver.”
“I’ll be back.”
“I know.”
“Tell you what.” I smile. “While I’m gone, you can use the movie room. Do you like movies?”
“I do.”
“Lina can get anything set up that you want.”
“Okay.”
“Are you afraid to be alone here at night?”
“No.”
The door opens and Lina comes in carrying a tray with breakfast on it. She smiles as she sets everything on the table, before excusing herself.
I watch Kaia stir granola into her yogurt, looking like I just stole her puppy.
“Kaia, please, you look so sad.”
She laughs softly. “I don’t mean to. I guess I just really like being around you.”
“Same here.” I take her hand in mine. “Too much, in fact. It’ll be good for us, for me, to have a break. I need to keep a clear mind, and I’m not able to do that always when you’re near.”
“I understand.”
“I hope you do. I would do anything not to hurt you. Ever.”
“I know that. I think it’s the main reason I feel so…” she pauses, looking away from me.
“Feel so what?”
She looks back and smiles. “Nothing. It’s probably best I don’t say it.”
I nod, and squeeze her hand. Drinking my coffee, I watch her eat, unable to take my eyes off of her. After several minutes of silence, she glances at me.
“Can I ask where you’re going?”
“Chicago. The episode is in three segments so we’re taping for several days.”
“That’s neat.”
“Yeah.”
“On the bright side, I get a few more days off from dealing with Daddy Dearest.”
I smile. “But you can handle him. I know you can.”
She nods. “Yeah,” she says, quietly.
I can’t pull my eyes off her, not even for a moment. She’s so fucking beautiful. I’ve never seen a woman more so.
“What?” she asks, smiling.
“It’s probably best I don’t say it,” I reply, using her words from earlier.
“You can tell me anything you want.”
“Can I?”
“Anything. I would love to hear what’s on your mind. In fact, I crave it.”
I cup her cheek. “Maybe someday,” I repeat.
She smiles. “A girl can hope.”
AFTER OLIVER LEAVES for the day, I lie on the couch, thinking about how I’ll spend the next three days. No therapy, but no Oliver. Maybe he’s right. The break from him could be good, and give me time to think clearly. When he’s near all I can think about is how much I want him, how I long to feel his lips on mine again, what he looks like under those sexy clothes he wears.
I think back to what he told me about feelings for a therapist. Transference, I think he called it. How would someone know the difference? I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel with him, but it freaks me out to think it could be false. Or based only on his professional ability. I shake my head. No way. It’s what he’s like outside of the office that I’m drawn
to. It’s his soul peeking out from behind the wall he built. There’s something incredible in that man, I just know it. If only he would let me see it.
Hours later, I turn when I hear a knock on my door. Oliver walks in, with Lina by his side. I sit up from my position on the couch.
“Hi,” I say. “I was just reading this great book by a brilliant doctor.”
Oliver chuckles while Lina smiles. “Glad you’re enjoying it,” he says. “I told Lina that you’re free to use the movie room anytime, and I’ll leave your bedroom door unlocked just in case you need to get out for any reason.”
“Oh, okay.”
“I’m trusting that you won’t use the front door.”
I smile. “I already told you I wouldn’t leave if I could.”
“I believe you.” He glances at Lina and nods.
“I’m going to make dinner for you every day,” she says. “No need to worry about food.”
“Thank you.”
“And if you ever need me to stay later, I’m happy to.”
“That’s sweet. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I live alone in LA.”
“I’ve just never left anyone here alone,” Oliver says.
“I’m alone most of the day even when you’re here. I’ll be fine, Dr. Scott. Please don’t worry.”
“I’ll work on that.”
“I’ll bring in dinner now,” Lina says, excusing herself.
“You don’t mind if I join you, I hope?” Oliver says.
“Of course not.”
I stand and walk to the dining table, joining him.
“I’m going to do the same things I do any other day,” I say. “I’ll swim, run, maybe I’ll even watch a movie or two.”
He nods. “Okay.” He pats my hand. “I called your father and told him I’d be out of town a few days. After I calmed his concerns about your safety, he informed me he plans to be here Monday.”
“Concerns?”
“Where you were, were you okay, is there anything he should know before you got here, those types of things.”
“And you told him?”
“Here, fine, no.” He smiles. “In that order.”
I laugh, softly. “Before you go, something’s on my mind.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about transference before.” Oliver nods as I continue. “How would I know the difference between that and actual feelings?”
Break Me Down Page 13
