I roll over and close my eyes, fighting the urge to walk into her bedroom and take her into my arms. Again.
I FINISH RUNNING on the treadmill, wiping my face with the towel. The door opens and Kaia walks in, wearing a tiny sports bra and shorts. Jesus Christ, really?
“Oh, morning,” she says.
“Hey.”
“You don’t mind if I run, do you?”
“No, of course not.”
She pats her butt, crinkling her nose. “Cupcakes.”
I laugh. “I think you’re doing okay.”
“Well, that’s how it happens. You can’t take it for granted.”
“Very true. I’m gonna go out for a few hours. You’ll be okay alone?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Okay.” I start to walk away, but linger behind her as she starts the treadmill. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, great actually. You?”
“It was good.” I have to fight the urge not to kiss her again. “Well, have a good day.”
“You too.”
I leave and take a deep breath.
HOURS LATER, I knock on her door and enter when she responds. She turns around from her position on the couch, holding the journal.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hi,” she says, closing the book. “I was just going over it again.”
“How does it feel today?”
“Honestly? Like a distant memory.”
“That’s a good start. Tomorrow we need to talk about your parents. The meeting we discussed.”
“I know. I’ve been thinking about what I’m gonna say.”
“We can talk through that together.”
“Okay.”
“Are you hungry?”
“A little.”
“I bought some salads if you want one. I can bring it here if you like.”
“Or I could eat it with you out there.”
“Your choice.”
“I’ll come out there.”
“Great.”
She follows me to the dining room and takes a seat. “This is such a big house for one person.”
“It is.”
“Don’t you get lonely?”
“I keep myself busy.”
She nods. “Well, it’s beautiful here. It fits you so perfectly.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s masculine and sexy. Powerful, yet comforting.”
“That’s a very nice definition.”
“It’s what you are.” She takes a huge bite of salad. “And now I know you’re romantic if you want to be.”
“It’s good to know it’s in me.”
“You didn’t know it was?”
“I haven’t had a use for it in a long time.”
We finish eating and she stands. “I guess I’ll go back to my room and give you your space.”
“I don’t need space. I like it that you’re out here with me.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“I do. Maybe you could read a book while I work on some research.”
“Okay.” She smiles. “Got any good books?”
I laugh softly. “I do.” I lead her to the library. “Oh, we forgot the tour.” I open my arms. “My office and study.”
She walks forward touching the shelves and pulls my own book off the shelf. “Hmm, this one looks good.”
I grin. “It’s alright.”
“Want to show me the rest of the house?”
“Yeah.”
I lead her down the hall showing her the other bathroom, the movie room, and then I put my hand on the handle of the door leading to my room. I’m a little nervous letting her in, knowing I want her to stay.
OLIVER OPENS THE DOOR to his bedroom, and I walk through, taking it all in. It’s just like my room with floor to ceiling windows, a small couch in front of them, and a huge bed in the middle of the room. The only difference is the dark, masculine color of everything. Deep browns and grays fill the space. He has a TV on the wall and a gas fireplace. In the corner near the bathroom is a small glass desk with a computer sitting on it.
I walk to his bed, running my hands over the wrought iron footboard. I touch his bedding, noting the quality of it.
“What do you think?” he asks, as he walks closer.
“It’s a lot like my room. Only more manly and slightly more luxurious.”
“We could make yours more luxurious.”
“I don’t need that.” I smile. “After all, it’s only temporary.”
He smiles back. “Well, that’s it. Other than the kitchen, you’ve seen it all. Upstairs is the pool and gym.”
“It’s a really nice home.” I sit on the edge of his bed, bouncing on it. “It feels like the same mattress.”
“It was easier just to duplicate everything.”
I grin. “I bet you don’t really like this. Me sitting on your bed.”
“It’s slightly uncomfortable for me.”
“Because I’m messing it up?”
His eyes fill with laughter he doesn’t make. “Something like that.”
“So I know everything about you now, right?”
“You know nothing about me.”
“I know.” I stand and walk over to him. “Will you ever tell me?”
“No.”
“Why not? You can trust me.”
“It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the nature of our relationship.”
“Oh, right. I almost forgot.” I smile. “Again.”
“We should go now.”
“Yes, we should.”
Entering the study, I sit in the armchair with my book as Oliver sits at the desk. I notice how he glances at me periodically, and I smile, reading his words. It’s all about the psychological effects of premature ejaculation. It has absolutely no meaning in my life, but I read it anyway, enjoying Oliver’s writing style. I can hear his deep, sexy voice as I read each word. I could do this every day, sitting in his presence. Even without saying a word, he seeps deeper into my soul.
I STEAL A GLANCE at Kaia as she reads, wondering what she thinks of my work. After sitting quietly for over an hour, I realize I’ve been trying to write the same paragraph over and over. She’s distracting me and I love it.
I could get used to this, her presence in my life, in my home. She soothes me without knowing it. Even without saying a word she’s becoming a part of me.
“Kaia?”
She looks up, flashing those pretty green eyes on me. “Hmm?”
“What do you think?”
“I find it interesting. I guess I never thought about it, but I can see how damaging it could be to a male psyche if he couldn’t perform well in the bedroom.” She half closes the book, keeping her hand in the spot where she is. “I think as a partner to someone with this problem, it would be a real challenge to help him through it.”
I smile. “How would you tackle the issue?”
Her eyes flutter to the ceiling for a moment as she thinks. “I guess it would depend on how deep the relationship was. If it was casual, honestly, I’d probably just not see him again. If I was in love with him, I would take him to see you for help.”
I laugh at her comment. “Smart. I would help him.”
“I know.” She opens the book up and reads. “First, by exploring the mental obstacles that are creating the physical one.”
“Exactly.”
“Are all physical problems caused by something in the mind?”
“Not always. Sometimes, it’s a health condition or medication causing the issue. I always recommend a medical evaluation first.”
“Makes sense.”
I tilt my hand. “Do you really find this stuff interesting or are you just making conversation with me?”
She smiles. “Both. I find you fascinating so reading about your work has the same effect.”
“Well,” I fold my hands. “As much as I’m enjoying your presence, I admit, I’m not able to concentrate on my work.�
�
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s been very nice for me.”
She stands. “Can I take this with me?”
I stand and walk across the room to the bookshelf and pull out a different book. “Why don’t you read this one instead?”
She glances at the title. “Fetish?”
“Yes. I think you’ll find it more riveting.”
She looks back up at me. “Do you have one?”
“A fetish?” She nods and I smile. “That’s for me to know.”
“And me to find out?”
“I’ll walk you back to your room.”
She grins. “Okay.”
I lead her back down the hall and stop in front of her door. “I’m ordering in Thai tonight. I’ll bring it to you.”
“Will you eat with me tonight?”
“I don’t think so. We’ve had enough togetherness for the weekend. We both need to get back in a therapy state of mind. We have a lot to cover tomorrow.”
“True.”
“I’ll see you later.”
She nods, but I linger unable to make myself leave.
“You can stay if you want,” she says.
I smile. “I know.”
I walk away and when I turn back, she’s watching me with a huge grin on her face.
“GOOD MORNING, MISS LONDON,” Karen says. “Dr. Scott is expecting you.”
“Thank you.”
I walk down the hall and enter his office. “Good morning.”
He smiles at me. “Kaia. Please sit.”
I nod and walk over to the arm chairs, placing my bag down. Oliver joins me, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands in his lap. Same thing every time. I close my eyes for a moment, remembering he’s my therapist, not my lover.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
“I think so.”
“So, let’s start with imagining your father is sitting here. What’s the first thing you want to say to him?”
I search my mind. “I want to tell him—”
Oliver raises his hand to stop me. “Just say it like he’s here. Like I’m him.”
I bow my head, channeling the anger I’ve felt towards him most of my life. “I’m not a whore. You put that label on me when I was just a child and didn’t know how to protect myself from your judgment. You made me feel like it was my fault. You made me think I liked it.” I look up as tears start to cloud my eyes. “Why couldn’t you just hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault? Why couldn’t you just say you were sorry and didn’t know? Why couldn’t you just tell me you loved me, and you weren’t going to ever let someone hurt me again? Why couldn’t you?”
Oliver looks at me with compassionate eyes. “What do you think he’ll say?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. I think he’ll be mad I’m confronting him. We’ve literally not spoken of this since I was thirteen.”
“Okay. Let’s try this scenario. Let’s say he’s angry and not being reasonable. How will you react?”
“I’ll probably tell him I hate him and run out of the room.” I smile. “That’s kind of my thing.”
Oliver tilts his head and smiles. “How about we try handling it in a healthier way?”
“Okay.”
“No matter what he says, you stick to telling him how you feel, how his actions impacted you, and what you expect from him going forward.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Do you want a relationship with him?”
“I guess so.”
“Do you want it if he can’t change? If he can’t let the past go? If he can’t apologize?”
“No. I’m clear about that.”
“Then you need to be able to tell him. Can you do that?”
“I think so. Everyone in the world is scared of my Dad. Just his name is enough. I’m not afraid of him though. I never have been. I’m not afraid to stand up to him.”
“Is your mother?”
“Yeah, I think so. She knows if he divorced her, she would be left penniless. Pennies matter to her.”
“They matter to a lot of people.”
“Yeah. I’ve put up with him for years because he pays for everything. I don’t have a job. I don’t pay my own rent. I get a huge allowance.” I look down at my hands and shake my head. “I feel like such a loser now that I’m saying it out loud, but honestly, it’s why I agreed to come here and meet with you. If he cut me off, I would be in the same situation as my mother.”
Oliver smiles. “If you had to survive on your own, could you?”
“I don’t know how.”
“Could you get a job and take care of yourself?”
“I guess I could.”
“This is important for you to know that you could be self reliant. You’re not dependent on your father. If it came down to leaving his life, you have to believe you would be okay.”
I nod, taking a deep breath. “I would figure it out.”
“I believe you would. I think you’re stronger than you know.”
“Let’s role play this out a little. I’m going to be worse case scenario, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Kaia,” he says, with a cold voice I’m not used to. “You’re a whore. Look how you live your life.”
His words sting for a moment before I remember it’s role play.
“If you didn’t like what Jim did, why didn’t you tell him to stop?”
I clear my throat remembering to stick to what I have to say. “I was a child when Jim did what he did. Not an adult. I have an excuse for my behavior, but what’s yours?”
Oliver smiles subtly, but continues. “I don’t owe you an explanation. It is what it is.”
“You’re right about half of that. It is what it is, but you do owe me an apology and if you can’t give it to me, if you can’t look into your heart, look into the eyes of the monster you helped create, and recognize where you failed, then I’m gone.”
“Gone? What do you mean by that?”
“I mean I’m out. I won’t be part of a toxic family anymore. I have to do what’s right for me and keeping someone in my life that causes me nothing but pain isn’t healthy.”
“I’ll take all your money. I’ll ruin you socially.”
I close my eyes and let that settle for a moment. “It will be hard for me to learn to live differently, but I can do it. I don’t need you.”
Oliver smiles. “Very good, Kaia,” he says, softly. “Really good. Do you think you can say it to his face?”
“I think so. Your words felt like his. I think it’s how he really feels about me.”
“I hope you’re wrong.”
“So do I, but he’s a real ass sometimes.”
“One thing you need to think about is forgiving them regardless of their response.”
“Forgiving?”
He nods. “Yes. Jim, your parents, even yourself, Kaia. The path to healing is forgiving all the wrongs.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“It’s not an act of condoning what’s happened. It’s not for the person who did the wrong. It’s for you. As soon as you can say ‘I forgive you’ then you can let go of the pain.”
“You’re sure?”
“Very. It starts with you. Forgive yourself first.”
I take a deep breath as I feel the lump forming in my throat. I shake my head, unable to find words.
“Kaia, I know it’s hard. You’re not sure if you can, but I just want you to think about it. Trust me on this.”
“I do, but how do I just suddenly feel good about who I am and what I’ve been? How do I get over all the wrong I’ve done and the people I’ve hurt?”
“Remember what I said, hurt people, hurt people. You didn’t intentionally go out to cause harm, right?”
“Right.”
“You just did what you needed to do to get through. You have to look in the mirror and find that little girl inside of you and tell her that you’re sorry she
was hurt, but it’s gonna be okay now.”
He smiles at me, and I wish I could crawl into his arms again. I nod and offer a slight smile. “I’ll try.”
“Good. Once you do that, forgiving everyone else will be a breeze.” He taps the phone with his finger. “So, are you ready to call?”
My eyes open wide. “Right now?”
“The sooner the better, no?”
I glance at the floor. “I’m not sure I’m ready yet.”
“Kaia, look at me.” I pull my eyes up. “You’re doing very well working through this stuff. Tackling this issue with your parents is a big piece of that.”
“I guess so.”
“I’ll be right here if you need me.”
“Okay.” I stand and walk to his desk, pick up the receiver, and then realize my hand is shaking. “We’ve never talked about it since I was a kid,” I repeat.
“I know.”
“Should I tell him that’s why he’s coming?”
“I think it would be best so he’s mentally prepared for it.”
“Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”
Oliver reaches across the desk and holds my hand. “These people are your parents. You can handle this.”
“Right. Okay.” I dial my father’s office number and wait.
“Christopher London’s office. How may I help you?”
“Helen, it’s Kaia. Can I talk to my dad, please?”
“He’s in a meeting.”
“Can you interrupt him? It’s important.”
“One moment.” She puts me on hold, and I wait for several minutes until I hear his voice.
“Kaia?” His voice is stern as usual.
“Hi, Dad.”
“What do you need? You’re interrupting a meeting.”
I roll my eyes. “Good to hear from you too, Dad,” I say, sarcastically.
He sighs. “I’m serious, Kaia.”
“I’ll just get to the point. You and mom need to come out here and meet with me and Dr. Scott.”
“What about?”
“You know what about.”
He sighs. “I guess I should have seen this coming.”
“You think?”
“When?”
“The sooner the better.”
“I’ll look at my calendar and call when we can be there.”
“Fine.”
Break Me Down Page 12
