Break Me Down

by Jennifer Domenico

  “That’s a great question and one that would be great to discuss during a session.”

  “Why not now?”

  Oliver searches my eyes for a moment and opens his mouth to speak just as Lina comes back in the room. He smiles, waiting for her to set everything up.

  “I’ll see you in the morning, Miss Kaia,” she says.

  “Yes, see you.”

  Lina leaves and Oliver takes my hand in his. “I don’t want to talk about it now, because I have to sort through my own questions about it. When you asked before if it happens to doctors, the answer is yes, but it’s never happened to me.” He lowers his head for a moment, before looking up again. “Typically, it’s an idealized perception of a person that we fall for in therapy with no knowledge of what they’re actually like.”

  “But it’s not like that for us.”

  “No, it’s not like that, to a certain extent. We think we know a lot about each other, but do we? I know for certain that you don’t know many things about me.”

  “Because you won’t tell me.”

  “Because you’re a client.”

  “Right.” I smile. “Darn, memory. I keep forgetting.”

  Oliver smiles. “So do I and that’s dangerous.”

  “Okay, so what you’re saying is that the feelings I have are based on my perception of you?”

  “Correct.”

  “But isn’t that what everyone’s feelings are based on? At least at first. In every relationship, you’re attracted to something initially, but you have to get to know the person more to discover everything there is.”

  “That’s true, but this is different.”

  “I don’t understand how.”

  Oliver rubs his forehead. “I don’t either completely, to be honest. That’s why I said I need more time to think it over. This trip is good timing.”

  I lift my fork and stir my mashed potatoes around. “If it is transference, how does someone get over it?”

  Oliver smiles. “Talking about it is the usual manner. Usually it’s one sided.”

  “But it’s not in this case?”

  “You know that. How many times have I touched you or kissed or looked at you with desire in my eyes?”

  “Maybe you’re just physically attracted to me. That happens a lot. Men always want to…” I pause, biting my bottom lip and looking down at my plate.

  “Look at me.”

  I glance at him, but look down again. Oliver lifts my chin so that I have to look at him.

  “I’m not that guy, Kaia. I won’t use you for sex. No way. You’re way too good for that.”

  I turn away again. “Too good.” I guffaw. “I wish.”

  “You are. To me, you are.” I look back at him, gazing into his eyes, wishing I could believe him. “I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true.”

  “Okay.”

  “Do you believe me?”

  “I’m working on it.” I take a bite of my dinner. “The only method I use to get a man is sex. I don’t have any other tools. If you won’t sleep with me, I don’t know how else to seduce you.”

  Oliver brushes his fingers over my cheek. “Yes, you do. You have lots of tools, Kaia. You’re just not aware of them. Everything about you…” he stops, shaking his head. “I’ve said too much.”

  “Please finish.”

  He bows his head for a moment, silent, before looking up at me. “Everything about you seduces me. It has nothing to do with sex. Do I find you physically attractive? Incredibly so, but it’s more than that. It’s your voice. And your eyes. And your goddamn mouth.”

  My eyes open wide as he continues.

  “It’s your laugh and your freedom with your body and with your words. You don’t hold back anything. It’s everything, Kaia. That’s why I’m struggling. That’s why I need this trip.”

  I nod, trying to absorb his words. “Thank you for telling me.”

  “Do something for me while I’m gone.”

  “Anything.”

  “Try to see yourself the way I see you. Try to look beyond the obvious breathtaking beauty and notice the breathtaking beauty inside of you. Can you try?”

  “I will try. I would love to see that.” I sip my water and smile. “It sounds dumb to say, but being what men consider beautiful has been almost as much of a curse as a gift. I’ve built my entire self perception on what I look like. If it was gone tomorrow, I wouldn’t even know who I was.”

  “That’s why you’re here. That’s the work we need to do. That’s why I try so hard to put aside my thoughts and feelings about you to try and help. I want it so bad, Kaia. So bad for you to be living your true potential. You’re so close to breaking through. I know when you leave here, less than three weeks from now, your whole life will be changed.”

  “You’re awesome, you know that?” I smile, and pat his hand. “I went from feeling sad to feeling hopeful just in one conversation with you. You’re a good doctor.”

  “I’m a flawed one, though. Believe me. I’m not the man you may think I am.”

  “You have no idea what I think of you.”

  He slowly exhales. “I’m gonna go now.”

  “You didn’t finish dinner.”

  “I’ll eat a little later. I need to pack.”

  “You need to get away from me. Is that it?”

  “Yes, but only because…” he pauses again, running his fingers through his hair. “Because I don’t want to kiss you again. I shouldn’t.”

  “And you’re going to?”

  He nods.

  I smile, twirling my fork in my hand. “Do something for me while you’re gone,” I say.

  “What?”

  “Be proud of what you’ve done for me. Recognize what a gifted doctor you are and how regardless of any transference or whatever the hell you want to call it that’s gone on between us, you pulled me back from hell, just as I was about to dive in head first. Can you do that?”

  He smiles. “I’ll try.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’ll be leaving really early so I won’t see you until I get back. If you need anything urgent, Lina knows how to contact me.”

  “Okay, but I’ll be fine.”

  He holds my gaze and I wish he would kiss me, but I know it’s better if he doesn’t. He has to leave feeling like he’s strong. Knowing that he helped me.

  “You should go now,” I say, softly.

  “Yes.” He stands, lifting his dinner plate from the table. After a silent moment of gazing at me, he sighs and leaves the bedroom.

  I don’t care what it’s called, I know I’m falling in love with him.

  SITTING ON THE PLANE, I read over my notes for the show, trying to keep my mind on my work and off the woman back at my place. If I can’t sort through my feelings for her soon, I may have to seek out my own therapy. All I know at this point is I want to be around her all the time. I want to touch every part of her. I want to keep her all to myself.

  The strange thing though is that my normal urges aren’t there. The urges that my demons carry, deep in my soul, waiting to be unleashed. I haven’t been able to figure out why. I tap my pen on the tray table, lost in thought. Maybe because I know she wouldn’t go for it. She’s too tough. Or maybe there’s still a tiny piece of me that wants something different. Something… I look out the window, searching my mind for the word. Real. Yes, something real. An actual connection, not just a release of sexual aggression.

  I shake my head as I look back at my computer and stare at the screen. Kaia makes me want things I’ve never wanted. Dates and romance. Talking for hours while gripping her sweet hand in mine. Gazing into the stunning pool of her eyes while she speaks. It couldn’t possibly be transference. There’s no fucking way this is fake.

  Even if somehow we could be together, I already know her father’s going to be an issue. The twenty questions he nailed me with when I called were proof of that. He’s suspicious and skeptical. I could hear it in his voice and the accusatory tone of his questions.
He is an attorney though. Maybe that’s how he always is.

  As the plane begins its descent, I pack up my things. In an hour, I need to be on point and take on some of the most interesting cases I’ve heard so far. I crack my neck reminding myself that Kaia will be fine these next three days we’re apart. I hope I will be, too.

  AFTER TAKING A SWIM, I ring for Lina.

  “Hello, Miss Kaia,” she says, when she enters. “What can I do for you?”

  “I was wondering if you could show me how to use the movie room in case I want to watch something when you’re not here.”

  “Oh, of course. Come on.”

  I follow her down the hallway and into the designated room. It has a comfy couch in the front along with two rows of stadium seating behind that. It’s completely windowless, perfect for a movie room.

  “I can make popcorn too,” Lina says.

  “Oh, that’s okay. I don’t need that.”

  Lina shows me how to turn on all the equipment and put the movie in. His collection is dark and intense, not at all surprising, but at the bottom of the stack, I see a few romantic comedies. Selecting one, I smile.

  “This is my favorite movie,” I say to Lina, handing her the movie.

  “Love, Actually,” she reads. “I’ve never seen it.”

  “It’s a great romantic story. I wonder why he has it.”

  “Well,” Lina says, grinning. “Maybe there’s a true romantic buried in him somewhere.”

  I smile and nod, knowing there is. “Yes, that must be it.”

  “Are you gonna watch it now?”

  “No, I think I’ll just save it in case I get bored.”

  “Good idea.” She pats my arm. “I’ll bring lunch soon.”

  “Great. Thank you.”

  I walk back to my room, looking at each piece of art hanging on the wall as I do. Like his office, everything here is steel and marble and glass. It’s like a gallery full of fine and precious objects, but the most precious of them all isn’t even aware of it.

  I want to know what hurt him, because something obviously did. A man like him should be brimming with confidence. He should have so much self-esteem, he borders on cocky, but no. Dr. Scott knows his worth as a therapist, but clearly he doesn’t as a man.

  I want that for him.

  ON THE FINAL DAY OF TAPING, I arrive at the studio ready to finish my part and get back at home. Talking to Lina this morning calmed my nerves that Kaia’s fine. I wondered if she’d be stir crazy, and push Lina to let her break rules, but no, she was obedient as ever. I can’t help but smile.

  As I sit in my chair, waiting for my cue, I wonder about the meeting with her parents and what that might do to her progress. She needs it. They all do. Even more than she knows. She’s living in this cocoon right now, away from the things that hurt her, but no healing can take place until this matter is handled. I just hope her father isn’t the ass she thinks he is.

  “Dr. Scott?” I hear my name called and look up. Showtime.

  HOURS LATER, AS I SIT on the plane heading home, I realize with some amount of concern, that I’m excited to see her again. My three day break did nothing to sedate my feelings for her. This is not good. I can’t let myself get involved with her. More than I already have. All I can hope for at this point, is that she realizes she doesn’t want me.

  I already know that’s not going to be the case.

  Back at La Guardia, I look at my watch as I walk towards baggage claim and decide to call Elizabeth for a little professional support. I dig my phone out of my wallet and dial, waiting a moment as it rings.

  “Oliver,” she answers, with a smile in her voice. “How are you?”

  “Uh, not bad, but do you have a minute?”

  “Always for you. What’s going on?”

  “Have you ever dealt with erotic transference?”

  “Oh, yes, once at the beginning of my practice when I was much younger.”

  “So your client thought he was falling for you?”

  “Yes, he was sure of it. He tried to convince me we were soul mates.” She chuckles. “I was flattered.”

  “Did you find yourself entertaining the idea at all? Even momentarily?”

  “Honestly? Yes, but only momentarily and only once his treatment was over. He was a very handsome man, and I was a young woman at that point and still unmarried.”

  “How did you handle it?”

  “I explained what transference was and we talked about it. I talked with a friend I could trust who helped me see that I wasn’t looking at it objectively. I was able to redirect my feelings until we could complete his sessions.”

  “I see.” I take the escalator down as I think of my next question. “How was it resolved?”

  “I’m assuming you’re asking these questions for a specific reason?”

  “Yes, something I’m dealing with.”

  “Okay. I’ve never told anyone this before so I’m trusting you.”

  “As you should.”

  I hear her take a deep breath. “Oliver, I married him.”

  “What?” I nearly stumble down the final steps in front of me in shock. “Steve?”

  “Yes. After his therapy was over, many months later, he called and asked if we could just have dinner as two people, just to explore if there was anything there. He said he hadn’t stopped thinking about me and wondered if I was feeling the same things.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah, I know. I agreed to dinner because honestly I hadn’t stopped thinking about him either. From that first date, as soon as our professional constraints were removed, I knew he was the one. We took it slow, and I never told anyone in my life, not even friends, that he was a former client.”

  “I’m blown away.”

  “I know. It’s shocking.”

  “On many levels.”

  “You must see me differently now.”

  “Yes, but not in a bad way. It helps me a lot that you told me this.” I lean against a column waiting for my luggage to drop. “It really does.”

  “Are you having this problem?”

  “Yes,” I admit. “Not only on her end, but on my mine.”

  “Oh. I understand firsthand how difficult it is and how conflicted you must feel.”

  “Conflicted is a good word. Honestly, I’m afraid that I’m bad for her. That if we were to pursue something, you know down the road, that I’d be part of her problem.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  I glance down at the floor. There’s only one person in this world that knows my story and for now, it has to stay that way.

  “Let’s just say I’ve got some demons I haven’t quite tamed.”

  “Want to talk about those?”

  “No.”

  Elizabeth laughs softly. “Got it. So, what are you thinking of doing?”

  “I don’t know yet, but it helps to know someone else has been in this situation and that it was real. It wasn’t just therapy based.”

  “Right and the only way you’ll know that is to see her outside of therapy.”

  I nod. “Does it come up between you and Steve how you met?”

  “It used to in the beginning as we worked towards a sexual relationship.”

  “Hmm mmm. Makes sense. But you were able to separate it from your personal relationship?”

  “Yes, definitely. He credits me with normalizing him, helping him see he wasn’t broken, and that it would just take him time to find the right partner.”

  “You.”

  “Apparently, yes.”

  “Twenty years and three kids later, it was meant to be.”

  “That’s how I see it. Yes, we met under unusual circumstances, but in the long run, it doesn’t matter.”

  “One more question?”

  “Sure.”

  I feel my heartbeat speed up as I even think it. “Was there ever a time…” I pause and take a deep breath.

  “What, Oliver?”

  “A time when you, uh, maybe crossed
the line during therapy?”

  Elizabeth is silent for a moment as anxiety washes over me. “Once,” she says, softly. “Towards the end. I hugged him goodbye at the end of his session and suddenly we were kissing, and I didn’t stop him. I felt terrible about it for days, but mostly because I hoped it happened again. The next time I saw him, we talked about it and agreed that it couldn’t happen again, but from that point on the sexual tension between us was nearly unbearable.”

  “Did you end his therapy early?”

  “No. He’d been to several before me with no results so he wanted to continue. It was a few months maybe. You must think I’m awful.”

  “No, Elizabeth. I think you’re human. Maybe I am too.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sex?”

  “No, nothing like that, but there was a kiss.” Or two. Maybe five. I don’t fucking know anymore. “Every time I see her the urge is there, but I’ve been able to control myself.”

  “I see.”

  “We’ve spent some time talking outside of therapy.”

  “Do you feel like you’re falling for her?”

  “I don’t know how to define it yet, but it’s different for sure.”

  “And she’s expressed feelings for you?”

  “Yes.”

  “When is her therapy over?”

  “Two weeks.”

  “That’s not very long.”

  “No.” I rub my forehead. “So do I suggest we go on a date when her treatment is over?”

  “You can do that,” she says. “Or you can talk it over and decide together how you want to handle things. That’s what Steve and I did.”

  “Right.” I exhale slowly. “This has never happened to me.”

  “It didn’t to me either. Only Steve. Now I’ve had a couple of clients kind of go there a few times, but it wasn’t anything like it was between me and Steve. I knew it was different.”

  “Yeah, she’s definitely different.”

  “My advice is just do your best for the next two weeks and then talk it over with her. You never know, Oliver, she could be the one.”

  “I’ve never even looked for that.”

  “Sometimes that’s exactly how it happens.”