Instead of You

by Anie Michaels

  “So, you share this apartment with David?”

  “Yeah. We moved here last year after a horrible apartment on the other side of town the year before. This place is cool, though. A little far from campus, but that also means there’s less loud college students out here.”

  “And you guys aren’t loud college students?” I asked, bumping my shoulder against his.

  “Not really anymore. I mean, sure, freshman and sophomore year we might have been a little reckless and rowdy, but that gets old after a while. David calmed down a lot when he and Kristen got together, and I was happy to leave the party life behind.” I thought immediately about how he was a whole year ahead in his schooling, how he was focused and driven, which probably left little time for cutting loose and getting loud.

  He led me up a staircase to the second floor and stopped at a door toward the back of the building. He let go of my hand to unlock his door, then when it opened he motioned for me to enter first. I dropped my overnight bag inside the door and when he flipped on the light I was instantly transported into a weird alternate reality where Hayes Wallace was an actual adult, with couches and dining room tables and big-screen TVs. I’d never really tried to imagine where he lived because, in truth, I tried not to think much about him at all for self-preservation purposes, but the living space I was looking at in that moment was not how I would have pictured his apartment.

  The living room, dining room, and kitchen could all be seen from the doorway, and all three rooms were tidy and clean. The furniture was used but nice looking, it all matched, and there was that same feeling of adultness. I turned to him.

  “You’re like a real-life grown-up.”

  He shrugged and gave a shy smile, shutting the door behind him, and turning the lock. He took my hand again as he walked past me, taking me on a grand tour.

  “This is the living room, dining room, and kitchen, although I’m not sure how stocked the fridge is, so don’t yell at me if I’m out of everything. We’ll probably have to go out for breakfast tomorrow.” He led me down the short hallway, motioning to the first door on the right. “This is David’s room. He’s staying with Kristen tonight, so we probably won’t see him again before we go back.”

  He let the words hang in the air and I immediately grabbed hold of them, turning them around in my mind and realizing what he was saying: we were alone for the night.

  “Oh,” was my incredibly adult response.

  His hand squeezed mine, but then he tugged gently and led me to the next door, opening it, and again motioning me in before him. When I walked through the door I knew I was entering Hayes’s room immediately because the smell of him moved over me. It was his own scent, nothing I’d ever smelled before, something dark and spicy, but not heavy. Just Hayes. The light came on and I took my time looking around, taking in this new Hayes’s room.

  There was a desk in the corner that looked a little cluttered, but only because it appeared to be frequently used. There was a bookshelf that held what looked like a mix of textbooks and also books he might read for pleasure in his spare time. There was a closet I imagined you could just barely walk into and turn in a circle, and another door that I could see led to a bathroom.

  And then there was his bed.

  His headboard was made of wooden slats and they stretched horizontally along the entire king-sized frame. It was a dark mahogany color with a solid footboard that matched. He had a dark gray blanket with the fluffiest pillows I’d ever seen. It looked manly and comfortable all at the same time. I wanted to climb atop it and snuggle down, but I also knew I would have a hard time sleeping a wink in Hayes’s bed.

  He pressed his body into mine—his front against my back—and rested his chin on my shoulder, his hands on my waist. His words were whispered next to my ear, the breath of them caressing me and making the hairs on my arm stand on end and the swallows in my stomach take flight.

  “We don’t have to both sleep in my bed, Kenz. I can sleep in David’s room if you’re uncomfortable. There’s no rush or expectation here.”

  His offer, to sleep away from me, made my heart hurt. The very last thing I wanted was to be apart from him, especially during this one night where we had, what seemed like, a finite amount of time to pretend like we were carefree, like we were normal. I was definitely some messed-up version of Cinderella, and sooner or later, my coach was going to turn back into a pumpkin.

  I turned slowly in his arms, my hands automatically coming to his chest, and I looked up at him.

  “I would be uncomfortable if you were anywhere but next to me.”

  He leaned down and I was expecting a kiss, but his mouth went directly to where my neck met my shoulder and he breathed me in. It was a tender moment, a moment in which I felt as though he was treasuring me, committing the two of us together in his room to memory. A moment in which, possibly, he was memorizing what it was like to hold me because he was afraid one day he wouldn’t be able to. Or maybe it was me who was doing that.

  He walked me backward slowly until the back of my thighs ran into the mattress. He pulled his mouth from me, only to bring his hands to my face, eyes peering into mine.

  “You’re in charge, Kenzie. We’ll take this as far as you want to go. You tell me if you want me to stop.”

  “I won’t want you to stop,” I whispered, pressing up on my toes to capture his mouth. He groaned against my lips as soon as our mouths met, and I reached down to pull his shirt over his head. I didn’t necessarily want the experience to happen quickly, but I did want to feel his skin pressed against mine as soon as possible. He apparently shared my view on the matter because my shirt was being lifted over my head next. My skirt was pulled down my legs, his pants were kicked off his feet, and we were tumbling together onto his monstrous bed. He was kissing me and I was scooting back, trying to reach the head of the bed, when I suddenly started laughing.

  “Your bed is enormous.” I finally gave up and flopped down right where I lay. He was leaning over me, hands on either side of my head, holding himself up, gazing down at me. And he was smiling at me as if I were his whole world.

  “I love you,” I blurted out, the words rising up in me like lava, spilling out, sprouting wings and flying away. “I love you more than anything.”

  His smile softened, almost disappeared, only to be replaced with the most intense expression of love. I knew how much I loved him, could feel it in every cell of my body, but I also realized his love for me went even deeper. No matter how hard I tried, I’d never be able to love him as much as he loved me.

  His elbows bent slightly, and his forehead rested against mine as he let out a soft sigh. “I’ve always loved you,” he said, then pressed a kiss to my throat right below my ear. “I love you now.” His next kiss landed just below my other ear. My body arched up into his, just the sensation of his lips on me making all my synapses fire. “And I’ll love you forever,” he said just before his lips met mine.

  Oh, God. He was so much better at love than I was.

  He kissed me just as his arm wrapped around my waist, picked me up, and pulled me until my head rested against his fluffy pillows. My knees parted and he settled between them, one hand holding him above me, while the other took its time grazing over my bare skin.

  I reached around him, my hands splayed wide over his shoulder blades, moving down, my fingers trailing through the valley of his spine, feeling all the contour of the muscles, the map of his body, until I came to his narrow waist. The elastic band of his boxer briefs slipped easily over my fingers as I explored lower. Both of my hands gripped his rear and he reacted by grinding into me.

  “Hayes,” I panted between kisses. I’d gone from nervous to completely lovesick to downright needy in the span of minutes. I was reeling from all the emotions. He pressed his hardness into me again, the ridge of him grinding into the most sensitive part of me, and I nearly lost my composure at that very moment.

  His mouth moved from mine, down my throat, over my collarbone to the sw
ell of my breast. I lifted up, unhooked my bra, and threw it across the room faster than I ever had before. He didn’t waste any time either, as his mouth immediately found my breast. I gasped, lost in the sensation, only spurred on when his hand palmed the other. Everything I was feeling I was familiar with, it was just more intense than ever before. The pulsing, the hot and constant throbbing between my legs, the feeling of stretched-tight rubber bands from my nipples to my core, the way my breasts felt hot and heavy. It was the perfect storm of lust.

  His mouth moved from my nipple, kissing down the center of my stomach, looking to me for permission when his lips met the top of my underwear. I nodded and rolled my hips toward him, catching a glimpse of a smile as he pulled my underwear down my thighs.

  Hayes pulled the last article of clothing off me and I resisted the urge to cover myself, to hide the parts of me no one had seen before, the parts I was most self-conscious about, but the expression on his face was one of awe and adoration. I realized then, Hayes was the very first person to see me that way; laid bare and completely naked in every way.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered, his eyes moving slowly over the expanse of my pale skin that never got any sunlight, a drastic contrast to the parts of me that were tanned from days on the beach. When his mouth landed just below my belly button, my breath caught in my throat and my whole body shuddered. “I want to do so many things to you, McKenzie. But this has to be slow and gentle. I don’t want to hurt you any more than necessary.” He moved north a smidge and kissed me again, repeating the pattern until his mouth was back to mine.

  When his face was back up to mine, my hand reached out for him.

  “You’re shaking,” he observed, taking my hand in his own and bringing it to his mouth, kissing my fingers. “We don’t have to do this.”

  “I’m not shaking because I don’t want to, I’m shaking because I do. So badly. I’m just nervous.”

  “What are you nervous about?” His question was sincere and soft, his eyes still looking into mine.

  “I’m nervous that it will hurt. I’m nervous I won’t do it right. I’m nervous you won’t like it.” The truths were spilling from me, and it felt good to speak them, as though some of the tension was released from my chest and I could breathe a little easier for saying them. “I’m worried we’ll do it, and then everything will change between us.”

  He ran the back of his hand down my cheek, a small smile playing on his face.

  “Everything will change, but it will only be good. It’s hard to explain, but once you’ve shared your body with someone, it makes everything better.”

  I tried not to let the jealousy take over knowing he’d shared his body with someone else. I was both angry and happy he’d been with someone before me. At least one of us knew what we were doing.

  “I can’t tell you if it will hurt or not. But I can tell you if it does, it won’t last too long or be too uncomfortable. But,” he continued, bringing his hand to cup the back of my neck and lowering his face to mine, our mouths just inches apart. “There’s no wrong way to do it, and there’s not a chance in hell I won’t like it.” He kissed me then, softly, one hand still gripping the back of my neck. It was a slow, lingering kiss, and when he pulled away I wasn’t ready for it. “This will be a first for me too,” he said, resting his forehead against mine. He must have felt my eyebrows bunch together in confusion. “I’ve never been with someone I was in love with.”

  His words melted me, absolutely dissolved the worries and fears that had been building up inside me. When he kissed me next, I wasn’t the bumbling virgin. I was the McKenzie who’d been in love with Hayes from afar for years, who was finally going to be able to give herself over to him in every way. He kissed me and I pushed his pants down his legs, needing us both to be completely bare. I got them as far as I could and then he finished the job, his mouth never leaving mine.

  When it was finally just us, no barriers between our bodies, I pulled away. I let my eyes drift down between us, taking in the sight of him, worried about the logistics and how in the whole wide world that was supposed to fit inside of me.

  “Hey, look at me,” he said, using his fingers to pull my face back up to him. “I promise it’ll be all right.” He pressed one more kiss to my lips just as gentle fingers grazed my nipple. I gasped, the feather-soft touch causing every nerve ending to come to attention. His hand smoothed over the skin of my stomach and continued until it was between my legs.

  He trailed one finger down, parting me, pressing gently in just as his mouth covered the same nipple he’d just teased. With his tongue swirling around me and his finger circling, my eyes fluttered closed and tried to let myself just feel. The way his tongue mirrored his finger, the way his small sounds vibrated against my breast, the way his hand gripped the hair at my nape.

  Suddenly his teeth nipped me as he pressed two fingers deep. My back arched, fingers reaching out, trying to find something to hold on to, while a moan ripped out of me. One hand found the sheet at my side and the other threaded through his hair.

  His fingers pumped in and out while his palm ground against my clit. His speed built and the tension between my legs was overwhelming. Hot and slick, I was unable to keep still and found my hips moving to his rhythm. He let my breast fall from his mouth and dragged his lips up my chest and throat, breathing heavily against my damp skin.

  “Oh, God,” I moaned as his mouth landed on my neck, sucking and licking in time with the movements of his hand. “Hayes,” I breathed. Each movement between my legs was like an archer pulling the string back on his bow. The tension built. Inch by inch, stroke by stroke, until it was just his fingers that were holding me back from flying.

  I came. I soared. I flew.

  All while Hayes’s forehead pressed to mine and his arm pulled me closer to him. I shuddered, I quaked, but I was never unaware of him or his skin touching mine. He was so close, and I couldn’t wait to be closer.

  As I floated back down, tremors still making my hands and legs shake slightly, his mouth hit mine. It was a deep kiss, but quick, and then he was gone. I watched as he leaned over to his nightstand and pulled a condom out of the top drawer. My heart, still trying to recover from my orgasm, tripped and then sped forward as my mind processed that this was all really going to happen.

  I watched with curiosity and fascination as he knelt between my spread legs, opened the foil wrapper, and rolled the condom down his shaft. It was strange, but watching him handle himself with his strong hands was more erotic than I would have ever imagined. I was still staring at his cock when his mouth met mine again. I blushed, a little embarrassed at my level of fascination but then I remembered what we were doing, why he’d put a condom on to begin with, and a wave of anxiety rolled through me.

  His mouth was on mine, one of his hands on the mattress next to my head, his other palming my breast, all the while I could feel him hard, hot, and thick resting against me. I broke the kiss, pulling my face away, simply trying to breathe.

  “Tell me you still want this,” he whispered, his mouth right next to my ear.

  It took a moment, but eventually I nodded, the nerves starting to take over.

  “Kenz,” he said as his hand cupped my cheek, his face appearing before mine. “You need to say the words, baby. I need to hear you tell me you want this.”

  His sincerity and gentleness crashed over me and I suddenly remembered why I loved him so much, and why being with him was exactly what I wanted.

  “I want this,” I said on a breath. “I want you.”

  He smiled, not the big happy smile, but the soft one that was all too sexy. Then he kissed me. While our lips touched, I felt him position right at my entrance. My heart pounded and I pulled my lips from his, unable to concentrate on kissing him at that particularly life-altering moment. He pushed in a little and I instinctively braced myself for the pain I knew was coming, making every muscle tense.

  “Kenzie, try to relax, baby.”

  “I’
m trying,” I lied.

  He pushed in a little further and I took in a deep breath. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the room to fill my lungs.

  “Are you all right?” he asked, concern written across his face.

  “I’m not trying to be rude, but I just want this part over with.” Not only did I want the painful part behind me, I wanted to finally have that connection with him, that bond I’d never forged with anyone else. “I’ll be okay,” I whispered.

  His eyes stayed on mine for a moment longer, but then he pushed in slowly. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him down, burying my face in his neck, not wanting him to look at me.

  “Breathe, baby,” he whispered, and when I took in a deep breath, he pushed the rest of the way in.

  There was a stinging sensation at first, and Hayes didn’t move even a little, letting me adjust to everything. After a few moments, the most painful part eased, leaving me with only a feeling of being uncomfortably stretched. Finally, after a few deep breaths, I found my voice.

  “Hayes?”

  He lifted his head and his eyes found mine. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I said, unable to keep a small laugh from escaping. Here we were, in a monumental moment, and he was making jokes. But I knew it was for my benefit and so the laughter bubbled out of me.

  “Are you all right?” he asked, brushing a strand of hair off my face.

  “I’ll be fine, but I think I need you to move.”

  “Your wish,” he said before kissing me just under my jaw. “Is my command.” He followed the words by pressing his face into my neck and then slowly pulling out of me. I gasped, unfamiliar with the sensation, but then he pushed back in, and a different sound broke free from me. A guttural moan, one I hadn’t anticipated. It was still slightly uncomfortable—I was very aware it was my first time—but there was pleasure too.

  Everything started soft and gentle. He spoiled me with kisses, his hands running tenderly over my body, but slowly the intensity picked up. He was holding back, trying to be gentle, and I both loved and hated it. I wanted, more than anything, for him to enjoy being with me. Before I could voice my concerns, or try to figure out a way to make him come apart just as I had, his voice pulled me out of my head.